Happy 10th Birthday, Jacob!

Jacob! You're 10! TEN!! One. Zero. Double Digits! I can't believe it. 

10 years ago you came into this world and we instantly fell in love with you. A whole decade of loving you and watching your grow into this amazing person you are today! Wow. 

I'm sure I write this every year, but I continue to be amazed by you and who you are. You are an incredible boy and I am so lucky to get to be your mom. Every single day, I am reminded why you are my most favorite person.

You had an incredible year at school, completely rocking 3rd grade! As much as you say you don't like school, you continue to excel. Mr. Malay was your teacher and in your card to him at the end of the year, you wrote "You were one of the greatest teachers I've ever had!" I couldn't agree more. In fact, I wrote Mr. Malay a separate note myself to let him know how much I appreciated the fact that he was your teacher. Mr. Malay's personality and teaching style reminds me so much of your dad. And I am so grateful that you were able to experience having a teacher like that. Watching you interact with Mr. Malay, I can imagine what it might have been like if you ever would have had your dad as a teacher. 

You also have a strong group of friends. The nice thing about Jefferson is that it's a very small school, just two classes per grade. And you have the type of personality that can become friends with everyone. And you do. In fact, you invited 9 kids to your birthday party this year! And six of them were able to make it! That was a crazy time (mostly for me)! It's so fun to watch you with your friends and when you meet new kids as well. And it makes me so happy to see how kind you are to everyone.

You are still an amazing reader and I love that you love books, even when you don't admit it. But recently, you discovered the 'Diary of a Wimpy Kid' series and you have devoured the books. I just love to see it. :) You are also still obsessed with wanting to be the one in charge, the boss, the CEO. You love to talk about business organizational structures - boards, shareholders, founders, manager, etc. You have your own company, Jacob, Inc. which is very successful. :) You still love space but you have also become very interested in nations. You know where nations are on the map, you can identify flags. You watch videos on YouTube that show you lists of countries by size, GDP, population, military size, etc. You know the craziest things. You also enjoy watching YouTube videos where you watch other people play video games. I'm not sure I understand it, but you love it. And of course you love to play videos games. And sometimes, pretend you're creating your own YouTube video. Your newest game is Ages of Conflict (I think?), which is a war simulator where the countries fight to conquer each other. You also still love playing TABS, Roblox, Minecraft and different Mario games on the switch. 

You are also a very good thespian and you add a dramatic flair to almost everything you do - which is extremely funny when you're in a good mood but not all that fun if you're in a bad mood! ;-) You are still witty as ever, quick thinking, goofy and funny. You are so much like your dad in that sense. You love being the center of attention as long as it's on your own terms and not so much if you're being forced to like a church performance or school music performance. You have this thing where you are against music - not wanting to like music or learn how to sing. Probably because you've grown up hearing how musical your dad was and I am. And so, probably to spite me, you dig your heels into the ground when it comes to anything musical. :) Whenever we have people over for dinner, you are always the last one to finish eating because you talk so much and want to drive the conversation. 

As much as you pretend to love all things bad and claim you want to be ruler of the world, you are a very kind boy. You are so good, so intuitive to those around you, so empathetic, so loving. Even now, you love to cuddle. And I LOVE that you will still cuddle with me. You don't like to see other people hurt and you either want to help fix it or you try to make people feel better by getting them to laugh. I am so proud of the person you are, Jacob. 

I love the person you are. I love listening to everything you have to say and I love learning new things that you teach me. I love watching you grow and learn and discover who you are and where you fit in in this world. I love watching your personality grow, even when you're butting heads with me and we both get frustrated. I still love to watch you sleep, no matter how creepy you think that might be. In fact, I just love watching you do whatever it is you're doing! You truly are the very best thing I've ever done. And I love you more than words could ever describe. 

As you enter your double digits, I wish I could say that I hope for only good things for you. And while I do very much hope for many good things for you, I know that life is not only full of good things. And unfortunately, you already know that too. But it is the combination of the good things in our lives and the bad, the hard, the struggles, that help make us into the people we are. And so I hope that you are able to take everything that happens in your life and let it make you into an incredible, wonderful human. 

I hope that your 10th year here on Earth is filled with love, family, happiness, friends, memories, laughs and whatever else you hope for. I am so excited to be with you every step of the way and continue to watch you as you learn new things and continue to grow. I love you.

Happy Birthday, Jacob! 

Bittersweet Symphony

Today is one of those bittersweet days. Today is Wartburg College's annual day of giving UKnight Day. It's a day to give back to a place that is so important for many people. A day to reflect about why Wartburg is such a special place for people. 

Since AJ passed five years ago, I've used UKnight Day to give back to the place that brought us together in his memory. UKnight Day always falls right around AJ's birthday, so each year I give the amount of how old AJ should be turning that year. It's bittersweet. 

AJ and I met at Wartburg. We both sang in the Warburg Choir. It was on a choir tour trip to Prague where we first got to know each other but nine months later before we started dating, shortly after some choir bonding. We got engaged in Venice while on another choir tour trip. Music was the thing that connected AJ and I. 

AJ was studying to become a music teacher. Music was his passion. Teaching was his passion. And he was so damn good at it. He just had that spark that drew people close to him. We often joked that he was so good at teaching to kids because really he was just a "big kid" himself. But he found ways to connect with his students. He made them fall in love with music the way he once had. I 100% believe that AJ's purpose in life was to teach music. 

So when the mental health struggles, the addiction and eventually the decision to end his own life happened, a part of what I mourned was the lost of AJ's purpose. I mourned the lost of his potential. Because AJ had it. He had what one needed to become great. And he would have been - he would have been so great. He would have done so much. I was always able to see more about AJ's future career path than even my own. And so I mourn for the career AJ should have had. Even during his short time teaching, he touched so many lives. I mourn for the lives that he should have touched, the lives he should have changed. 

I follow the Wartburg College Choirs Facebook page. I like staying connected to this amazing group that brought me to AJ. I love to see the new adventures they get to embark on, while fondly remembering my own choir adventures. But sometimes, seeing certain posts also makes me feel resentful. I see posts celebrating collaboration between the Wartburg Choir and various high school choirs from around the state of Iowa and I can't help but think, AJ should be here doing that. He should be bringing kids to visit Wartburg, to hear the Wartburg Choir, to learn from them. It makes me think about all the amazing things that AJ should have gotten to do during his music career but now will never do. 

When AJ died, former members of the Wartburg Choir came to his funeral service and sang. They sang Amazing Grace and Give Me Jesus. I will never be able to fully articulate just how much that moment meant for me and what I felt during those songs. It was bittersweet. 

After AJ died, his high school classmates raised money to commission a choral musical piece in AJ's memory. The song is called Love Is. The words were written by Brian Newhouse and the music was composed by Connor Koppin. Click here if you want to read a blog post about the piece specifically. 

I am so grateful for this gift because I thought there was no better way to remember AJ than with the gift of music. 

Sometimes I struggle when I think about AJ's legacy. How do I make sure to honor his memory in a way that's worthwhile? How do I help people remember the bright soul and passion AJ had for music and for teaching? How can I help inspire that type of passion in others? How can I share AJ's story to others who are struggling and help them realize that they are loved and they are wanted? 

Selfishly, I want this song to be AJ's legacy. I want this song to reach choirs and audiences across the country, maybe even the world. I want AJ's story inside the front cover as reminder to those who are also struggling that they are loved and ask them to stay. I want it to be a piece that touches the lives of those who hear it. I want it to be a piece that is applauded and recognized for the message it sends to those who are hurting. I want to believe that even after his death, AJ will have an impact in this world. But I have no idea how to make something like that happen. 

So on this UKnight Day, I will hold up my alma mater as this incredibly special place that I still call home. I will remember the lessons I learned, the adventures I took part of and my infinite love of the color orange. I will recognize how this place helped shape me into the person I am today. I will forever treasure the people that I met at Wartburg, some of my most favorite people in this world. And I will be forever grateful for Wartburg and the music that brought AJ and I together. 

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, that's life. 

The Burden of Questions

Trigger Warning: Suicide 

During Lent, our pastor is doing a sermon series around the theme of "Ask". This week's gospel came from John 9:1-41. Jesus heals the sight of a blind man and the reading is filled with a variety of questions and people wanting answers.

Tonight's reflection got me thinking about the burden of questions. 

I am no stranger to questions. I'm very familiar with questions. In fact, I think I've become even more familiar with questions since Jacob was old enough to talk. Because since he was old enough to talk, he's been asking questions. Questions about everything, non-stop questioning, questions that I definitely don't have the answers for. In truth, there is something amazing about the innocence of a child asking questions. 

But aside from Jacob, I often find that I have my own questions. I'll let you in on a little secret... I'm a bit* of an overthinker. (*I will not be defining 'bit') :) When I start to overthink things, I start to question things. I will question everything. 

Was it the right choice to buy a new car right now? Why does my back hurt today? Why did I not wear my winter boots today? Should I pull my money from the banks before they all fail? What should I say to Jacob if he asks me about where babies come from? How did my life end up in the place it is now? Why are people so cruel and hateful? Should I volunteer to chaperone Jacob's class field trip? What would happen if push this project back until tomorrow? How on earth can people possibly vote republican? ;-) You get the idea. 

Questioning so many things becomes exhausting. And because I like to have a certain amount of control over my life, I really appreciate questions where I also get the answers. Even better when they're the answers that I want! 

But life is full of questions and not often any definite answers. And I struggle with that. 

A blog post from six years ago showed up in my Facebook memories today. The Struggles of Addiction in the Family

It's an interesting thing to go back and read old blog posts. But reading this one hit me in an entirely different way. In it, I talked about feelings of wanting to give up. Now, when I read it, I know that it was less than one year from that post that Austin did decide to give up. And there has been no other event in my life that has created so many questions. 

When someone you love dies by suicide, you are left with so many questions. I'm not sure if it makes a difference if that someone leaves a note behind or not. In Austin's case, he left no note, no email, no voicemail. I felt lost in the questions. I struggled with questions I thought I had always known the answers to. 

Why did he give up? What was going on in his mind at that moment? Was there something that happened that made him do this? Was he using? Was he in trouble? What was the amount of pain he must have been feeling? Was he thinking about me and Jacob? Did he think about how his action would affect Jacob and I? Did he think we stopped loving him? Did he know I still loved him? Did he know how many people loved him? Did he understand how much we would miss him? Why did he think it was okay to end his life? Why didn't he ask anyone for help? Why didn't he leave us a note? Why did he leave us? 

The hardest part of these questions is that I will never have an answer. I will never have any sort of answer to the endless questions I have. That leaves a hole inside of you that I don't know how to explain. It makes my grief feel impossible at times. It feels like I will never find true closure. 

But it gets even worse. Because beside my own questions, there are Jacob's questions. Jacob's questions about his dad and why his dad isn't around anymore. And has he gets older, there will only be more questions. 

I am often left questioning how I'm going to answer all of Jacob's questions. I am struggling with the question, "How am I going to tell Jacob about his dad's death?" When is the right time to have that conversation? When is he old enough to understand what suicide means? How much information do I give him? Do I wait for him to ask me questions? Or do I bring it up before he overhears someone talking about it? What do you say to a kid who's dad decided to leave? How do I help him understand the complexity of a situation when I don't even understand it? What are the words I should use? 

I have literally struggled with these questions since Austin's death. I dread the moment the conversation will finally come. And it's coming. It's getting close. I do not feel prepared. I do not know the right way to have this conversation. And I am terrified that I will handle the entire conversation badly and screw up Jacob. If I'm being honest, it's in these moments that I feel my strongest anger towards Austin. For leaving me to deal with this crap. 

I know that for many of life's questions, there is the opportunity to have faith. Faith in God, faith in His plan, faith for His comfort and His love. And most of the time, that is enough. 

But sometimes, like in the case of Austin's suicide, I struggle with faith being enough. There is a heavy burden of questions that I carry about Austin's death. Endless questions. And never an answer.

Happy 9th Birthday, Jacob!

Happy Birthday Jacob! 

Today you are 9 years old. Nine years you've been on this earth, bringing me joy and love and laughter every single day. 

I continue to be amazed by you as you grow and learn new things. You are extremely clever, witty, goofy, smart, kind, caring, lovable, silly, curious, bright and so much more! You constantly remind me of your father while at the same time continue to flourish into your own person. 

---

I started that letter above to you right before you turned 9. But I never finished it. I'm not sure why. But I remember feeling like the right words weren't coming. And soon it was long past your birthday. 

But now, you are 9 and a half years old. Actually, 9 years and 7 months tomorrow. And I find myself unable to sleep and instead thinking about just how awesome you are. 

You brought home a reading/writing assessment from school this week. At the end of it, you were told to continue to story using one of the prompts. I'll post a picture of the story below (I told you I was going to save this forever!!). 

I read your story and it took away my breath. I sat in awe at the kitchen table thinking, "wow". And yes, all moms are going to think that their kid is amazing and best. And I do think that about you. I was amazed by your imagination, I was impressed by your talent but I also felt this deep admiration for the story itself that you told. A story with such beauty. From my own little boy. 

I think the story caught me by surprise. When I started to read it, I thought it would end somewhere with world destruction and evil wins all - things you love to talk about. But instead, your story reminded me of who you really are.

Yes, you still talk about how you want evil to win, how you wish you were a god who could control the world, how the bad guys are always better. But truly you are the most sweetest, kindest, caring, and loving boy. You just don't like to show those things to the rest of the world. :) 

But I am convinced that you have a truly good soul inside of you. You have a very big heart inside of you. You are a very special kid.

In the back of my mind I can see you rolling your eyes at me, trying to hide or even getting upset with me because you dislike it when you are praised or to hear anyone say good things about you. But luckily for me, you likely won't read this for many years down the road so hopefully this is something you've outgrown!

Jacob, you are, so very truly, the most spectacular kid. You are smart. You are insightful. You are curious. You are full of wit. You are funny. You are dramatic. You are the biggest cuddler, even at age 9. You are kind and caring. You are goofy and silly. You are my most favorite person in the whole world. 

We talk a lot about how much you're like your dad. And that's true. In so many ways, I see your dad in you. How much you love to talk, how you have to 'regenerate' before you can finish eating, your love of farts, your dramatic tendencies. But as much as you are like your dad, you are also your own amazing self. 

I have loved watching you grow over the past 9 years. I feel so privileged to have a front row seat to watch you grow into the person you are today and will become. I am constantly amazed by what you do or what you say. My heart feels like it's constantly bursting at the seams with my love for you. I am so lucky to be your mom. 

I think the first half of year 9 has been good for you. You've got a great teacher, Mr. Malay, at Jefferson and a great group of friends you play Monkey King with at recess. You're taking swim lessons at the Y and continue to improve every time you get in the pool. You're still an avid reader even though you say you don't like to read. But I often catch you reading books when you haven't been told to do some reading. You're astonishingly good at spelling - unlike me, which Nana and Papa like to remind us all of... You still enjoy science and space and a thirst for knowledge of the most random things. You're constantly wanting to google something on my phone for a question you've come up with. 

You've also wanted to learn all that you can about how companies work, who are the managers, the bosses, the CEOs, the board of directors, the shareholders... You want to know it all. And you have your own (imaginary at the moment) company called Jacob, Inc. And while you're the boss and board chair and whatever title you come up with, you're also a very generous boss who pays his employees very generously. :) 

You still really love playing Roblox, TABS, Minecraft and Mario Builder and Mario Party. You went through a time where all you wanted to play though was Monopoly. You finally got the hang of riding your bike and started doing some longer rides with Nana. The one thing I haven't been able to get you interested in yet is music. Either singing or playing piano. Much to my (and probably your father's) chagrin. ;-)   

In just a few short months, you will be 10. Double digits. The rate at which you grow before my eyes never fails to amaze me. You are the best thing I've ever done. 

I love you buddy. So much. And I'm so incredibly proud of the boy you are. Even if you won't let me tell you. 

Remember to use your PTO

It's been a long time since I've done an end of the year post. But recently, Snapchat showed me my "year in review" and it got me thinking about everything I've done in just the past year. 

I recently came across this post on social media and immediately saved it. I also sent it to a few people - some who would understand my desire to be able to do all the things and some who needed a reminder to take that time for themselves! :) 

I have always loved to travel. Thanks to my parents, I grew up traveling the United States. Every summer we would take a family vacation and drive (yes - drive!) somewhere across the country. We did take the occasional flight for some trips... Because of these vacations and some of my own, I have visited 48 states. I am only missing Alaska and Oregon. 

I've also traveled internationally. I've been to Guatemala for a Church Service Trip in high school, a cruise to the Bahamas for a High School Band trip and Spain, again in high school, for my Spanish class. In college I traveled to Germany, South Africa and Namibia my sophomore year, Prague and Germany my junior year and in my senior year a May Term trip to Italy, Slovenia, Austria, Germany, Luxembourg and South Africa. 

I've always considered myself lucky and grateful to have had these experiences. And I have always wanted to make sure that Jacob grows up having the same sort of experiences. 

After 2017, I knew I had to follow through with that promise to Jacob. In February 2017, Jacob lost his father and I lost a man that I had loved very much. The idea that tomorrow is not promised became a reality.

A year or so after AJ passed, I had a meeting with my financial advisor who suggested that Jacob and I take a trip every February together: to honor AJ's memory; to never forget to live life; to try and escape the cold! I instantly loved the idea and now, every February, Jacob and I take a short trip together, just an extended weekend somewhere fun. 

But we certainly don't limit ourselves just to February. We've also managed to take vacations with both the Reedstrom family and Zaruba family! In fact, we currently have it worked out to travel with one family for one year and then the next family the next year. We've been to Hawaii, Florida and Lake of the Ozarks in previous years. I've also managed some vacations without Jacob, like a trip to Seattle in 2021. 

But 2022 turned out to be a year of all the places! Maybe it was the shrinking pandemic, maybe it was to make up for lost time, or maybe it just worked out that way. In 2022 I traveled to a number of locations, spent a few weekends away but still close by, reconnected with old friends, spent some amazing quality time with other friends, traveled to see family we hadn't seen in a year, enjoyed some short day trips and even took a trip across the Atlantic Ocean. But most importantly, I created memories. I spent time with people I love. I used my PTO. 

Actually, all of it. I used all of my PTO. And then some unpaid days. LOL But I don't regret it. (Well, my bank account might....) I'll never regret the memories I've made, the experiences I've had, the places I've seen. I know all too well that tomorrow is not promised and so I will jump at any opportunity I have to travel, to see someplace new, to experience something new or even something old, to spend time with my loved ones. 

And now, some pictures of just a few of the many memories I've made this year. 

Las Vegas, January 2022

Las Vegas, New Year's Eve

Met up with Vale in Las Vegas after way too many years of not seeing each other! 

Universal Studios Orlando, Florida, February 2022

NASA, Cocoa Beach, FL, February 2022

Jacob & Papa in Florida on 2/22/22 at 2:22pm 

Mall of America to see 'The Bad Guys' movie, April 2022 

Twin Cities Weekend with the Cousins, April 2022 

Twin Cities Weekend Getaway to celebrate 6 months, May 2022

Zaruba Family Farm to celebrate Jacob's Birthday, June 2022

High School Girls Weekend, Spicer, MN, July 2022

When Girls Weekend becomes Family Weekend, Spicer, MN, July 2022

Girls Weekend in Sioux Falls, SD, July 2022

Fully Focused on Mental Health 5K with the Cousins, Iowa, August 2022

Reedstrom Family Vacation, Rhode Island, August 2022

Rhode Island, August 2022

Minnesota State Fair, August 2022

Galway, Ireland, October 2022

Cloghan Castle, Ireland for Brandon's Sister's Wedding, October 2022

Living my best life. 

With Brandon's Family in Galway, Ireland, October 2022

Some of my favorite people at Wartburg Homecoming, Waverly, Iowa, October 2022

Christmas with Wartburg Concert, Des Moines, Iowa, December 2022

So I'll end this post with a not-so-gentle nudge to you all. Tomorrow is not promised. Take the trip. Make the memories. Spend time with those you love. Experience something new or even something old. Use your PTO. 

Me, already planning vacations for 2023... and beyond. 

Be Orange!

IYKYK.

I spent this last weekend back at Warburg College for Homecoming/Family Weekend. Every year I say I want to go back for Homecoming but since I've moved out of the Cedar Valley, it hasn't happened. 

But luck on was on my side this year! My BFF (and college roomie) won the title of Ultimate Knight (her name was drawn on the UKnight Day of giving) and she got a free hotel room and free registration to the event. I immediately invited myself along on her trip. :) 

So we both made it back to Wartburg after far too many years away. Even better, another dear friend was temporarily back in town and able to spend a majority of the weekend with us. Plus I got to see another good friend on Saturday morning for a while. 

(Side note: I'm really hoping that I'll get to see even more amazing people next year because we'll be celebrating our 15 year reunion!!!) 

Being back at Wartburg was... magical. That place holds so many memories. It is the place where I learned, not only academically, but learned about the world, about others, about myself. It's a place where I started to grow into the person I am today. It's a place where I met people who would impact the course of my life. It's the place that gave me experiences I never imagined possible. It is a place that challenged me and pushed me. It is a place that comforted me and made me feel safe. 

As we sat at the bar on Saturday night, someone placed Lady Gaga's 'You and I' song. And I couldn't help but think, there really was "something about this place." 

We were walking around the Ren Faire and a business owner who had a table set up asked if we were alumni and if we were from the area. When we said that we were alumni from out of town he asked us, "What is it about Wartburg that bring so many of their alumni back year after year?" And I thought, it's just... home. Even when I first stepped onto Wartburg's campus as a senior in High School, I felt at home. 

It's a place where everyone is family. Where you can excitedly say hi when you see a familiar face even if you can't place their name. Where you can sit down with people you knew from your time in college, even if you didn't spend much time together then and spend hours chatting away in the Den. It's a place where you make forever-favorite friends with the most amazing people.  

And so the weekend was magically awesome. It was soul-filling in a way I didn't know I needed. It was reconnecting with people I should have never let drift away. It was being able to have these deep conversations and asking the types of questions that require reflecting. It was laughing loudly and creating new memories. 

But the weekend was not without some bittersweet feelings and memories as well. Because it was at Wartburg that I met AJ. It was at Wartburg I fell in love, got engaged and got married. For many years when I thought about Wartburg or talked about Wartburg, it involved AJ. Everything that I went through with AJ has changed me into the person I am today - for better or worse. And all that started with Wartburg. Those feelings are some of the most complicated and poignant ones. Because I can't regret what happened. Because I am thankful for so much.

All of that - the memories (the good and the bad), the people I've met, the reasons I am who I am today, my journey up until this point, the jobs I've held that have led me to my current role - so much of that started at Wartburg. It is forever a piece of me. 

And so, in deciding to "recreate" some of our college days and partake in a favorite Outfly tradition, two of my BFFs and I decided to get coordinating tattoos. Because once you go to Wartburg, you will always Be Orange. 

The Timeline of Grief

 I wrote the post below on March 27th, AJ's birthday. Actually I wrote in my journal. But it was one of those entries that I thought about sharing on here. And then I just didn't. But I went back and reread it again recently. And once again, I considered if this was one of those entries I should share. And now it's after 11pm on a Tuesday night and I just got off a phone call with some amazing friends.

And during our conversation, we talked about grief. We talked about the importance of grief. The importance of recognizing and owning your own grief. We talked about how grief has no timeline and no rules but your own. And we talked about how our society's view of grief is just generally f-ed up. And once again, my thoughts were back to this journal entry.

And so I'm going to share it with you now. Because maybe it's something that you need to hear too. Maybe it's something you need to work through some of your own feelings. And if not, writing it down was something that I needed. 

March 27, 2022

Generally when/if I don't journal for a while, it means life is good - no big events, no big struggles, no big emotions. And that's been the case. Things have been good. Really good. 

Brandon and I enjoyed a trip to Las Vegas over the New Year and then another trip to Florida in February with Jacob. 

I was happy. I was good. So much so in fact that I had a therapy appointment in January and after discussing my general happiness with my current life, my therapist asked me "Have you thought about how you're going to prepare for February this year?" 

I kid you not, I had to pause and think - what happens in February?

February. This month that I had come to hate, to loath, to dread with every fiber of my being over the past four years. And yet this year, it had basically skipped my mind. What?! I hadn't even been thinking about February, that's how good of a place I was in. 

And you know what, I was feeling really good about that. I was feeling proud of myself. Over the past year I have put in a lot of hard work on myself. I spent some time examining my relationship with AJ, the end of that relationship and his death. I had some hard but necessary conversations with AJ's family. I had put in this extremely hard work and here was my reward. I didn't have to fear the dread of February. It was amazing! 

Until it wasn't. 

Until I started feeling... guilty? Maybe? People would tell me they were thinking of me, knowing that February was a tough month for me. But I'd shrug and say, "I'm doing good actually!" It made me start wondering what kind of person did this make me? Is it okay for the grief to feel so absent in just four years? Was I a bad person for "moving on" that quickly? 

I started thinking back to a conversation I had with my mom. It was this conversation that really had me examining myself. She asked me, "Do you think you deserve to be happy?"

When she asked me this question, I immediately thought NO. Why should I get to be happy when the life that I thought I was going to have was taken from me? Why should I get to be happy when AJ is gone? That didn't seem fair. But really, I wasn't being fair to myself. 

I finally started to accept that. It was that realization that finally made me move to make things official with Brandon. I deserved to be happy. I wanted to be happen. And then I was! 

But now, I find myself questioning it all again. Not necessarily whether or not I deserve to be happy. But maybe if I deserve to be happy right now. 

I started to think that the absence of grief meant that I was losing that last connection to AJ. Like he was starting to disappear. And I'll admit, that scared me. How is it possible to keep someone you've lost close if you aren't grieving for them?

Today's is AJ's birthday. What should have been his 35th birthday. And honestly, I wasn't expecting to feel much emotion, I wasn't expecting to have any real sadness or grief because of the day. I thought I was losing that. 

Jacob and I spent the weekend in Iowa with AJ's family, eating his favorite foods and just enjoying our time together. We had such a fun time and I never get tired of watching Jacob play with his cousins. And I'm so grateful to still feel a part of this family; to be loved by them. 

When I woke up this morning and started getting ready for church, there was something... shadowing me, lurking close by. It felt foreign. Strange. I couldn't put my finger on what it was or why I was feeling it. 

And then I was reviewing my Facebook memories from this day. Two years ago on AJ's birthday, I posted a picture from a page in a book my mom had shared with me. I'll be honest, when she first shared this message with me, I didn't connect to it. I recognized it was a good message regarding grief, but it didn't really hit home for me. 

But when I read it this morning, it was like the lightbulb turned on in my head. 

Yes. This is what I had been doing. Clinging to my grief so I wouldn't lose my love of AJ. This is why I was keeping myself from being happen. In a way, clinging to the grief was easier. It was what I knew, what I expected. Letting it go meant navigating a new path forward. And what if the love I have for AJ doesn't stretch that far? 

It was also reading this passage today that made me realize it was grief that I was feeling today. Grief over AJ and the fact he had missed another birthday. Grief that AJ is gone and missing out on so much. Grief over the relationship Jacob and his dad will never have. Grief of missing the person AJ was before the mental health problems and addiction. Grief over this fear that I was forgetting who AJ was. 

And yet, at the exact same time, wrapped up in all that grief, was just a bit of relief as well. Relief that I was able to feel this grief so intensely again. Relief that my connection to AJ is still there. Relief that my love of AJ is still there. 

I hate that he is gone. I hate what was taken from him, from Jacob, from me. I hate that it's easier to remember the person AJ was towards the end of his life instead of the person I fell in love with and who he really was - this goofy, loving, kind, talented, caring, smiling, amazing man. 

And at the same time, I'm back to wondering how to live with this tether to my grief over AJ and being happy in my life, with my life now. Will it always be a struggle? Will it get easier in time?

I don't have the answers right now. But that's okay.