Remember to use your PTO

It's been a long time since I've done an end of the year post. But recently, Snapchat showed me my "year in review" and it got me thinking about everything I've done in just the past year. 

I recently came across this post on social media and immediately saved it. I also sent it to a few people - some who would understand my desire to be able to do all the things and some who needed a reminder to take that time for themselves! :) 

I have always loved to travel. Thanks to my parents, I grew up traveling the United States. Every summer we would take a family vacation and drive (yes - drive!) somewhere across the country. We did take the occasional flight for some trips... Because of these vacations and some of my own, I have visited 48 states. I am only missing Alaska and Oregon. 

I've also traveled internationally. I've been to Guatemala for a Church Service Trip in high school, a cruise to the Bahamas for a High School Band trip and Spain, again in high school, for my Spanish class. In college I traveled to Germany, South Africa and Namibia my sophomore year, Prague and Germany my junior year and in my senior year a May Term trip to Italy, Slovenia, Austria, Germany, Luxembourg and South Africa. 

I've always considered myself lucky and grateful to have had these experiences. And I have always wanted to make sure that Jacob grows up having the same sort of experiences. 

After 2017, I knew I had to follow through with that promise to Jacob. In February 2017, Jacob lost his father and I lost a man that I had loved very much. The idea that tomorrow is not promised became a reality.

A year or so after AJ passed, I had a meeting with my financial advisor who suggested that Jacob and I take a trip every February together: to honor AJ's memory; to never forget to live life; to try and escape the cold! I instantly loved the idea and now, every February, Jacob and I take a short trip together, just an extended weekend somewhere fun. 

But we certainly don't limit ourselves just to February. We've also managed to take vacations with both the Reedstrom family and Zaruba family! In fact, we currently have it worked out to travel with one family for one year and then the next family the next year. We've been to Hawaii, Florida and Lake of the Ozarks in previous years. I've also managed some vacations without Jacob, like a trip to Seattle in 2021. 

But 2022 turned out to be a year of all the places! Maybe it was the shrinking pandemic, maybe it was to make up for lost time, or maybe it just worked out that way. In 2022 I traveled to a number of locations, spent a few weekends away but still close by, reconnected with old friends, spent some amazing quality time with other friends, traveled to see family we hadn't seen in a year, enjoyed some short day trips and even took a trip across the Atlantic Ocean. But most importantly, I created memories. I spent time with people I love. I used my PTO. 

Actually, all of it. I used all of my PTO. And then some unpaid days. LOL But I don't regret it. (Well, my bank account might....) I'll never regret the memories I've made, the experiences I've had, the places I've seen. I know all too well that tomorrow is not promised and so I will jump at any opportunity I have to travel, to see someplace new, to experience something new or even something old, to spend time with my loved ones. 

And now, some pictures of just a few of the many memories I've made this year. 

Las Vegas, January 2022

Las Vegas, New Year's Eve

Met up with Vale in Las Vegas after way too many years of not seeing each other! 

Universal Studios Orlando, Florida, February 2022

NASA, Cocoa Beach, FL, February 2022

Jacob & Papa in Florida on 2/22/22 at 2:22pm 

Mall of America to see 'The Bad Guys' movie, April 2022 

Twin Cities Weekend with the Cousins, April 2022 

Twin Cities Weekend Getaway to celebrate 6 months, May 2022

Zaruba Family Farm to celebrate Jacob's Birthday, June 2022

High School Girls Weekend, Spicer, MN, July 2022

When Girls Weekend becomes Family Weekend, Spicer, MN, July 2022

Girls Weekend in Sioux Falls, SD, July 2022

Fully Focused on Mental Health 5K with the Cousins, Iowa, August 2022

Reedstrom Family Vacation, Rhode Island, August 2022

Rhode Island, August 2022

Minnesota State Fair, August 2022

Galway, Ireland, October 2022

Cloghan Castle, Ireland for Brandon's Sister's Wedding, October 2022

Living my best life. 

With Brandon's Family in Galway, Ireland, October 2022

Some of my favorite people at Wartburg Homecoming, Waverly, Iowa, October 2022

Christmas with Wartburg Concert, Des Moines, Iowa, December 2022

So I'll end this post with a not-so-gentle nudge to you all. Tomorrow is not promised. Take the trip. Make the memories. Spend time with those you love. Experience something new or even something old. Use your PTO. 

Me, already planning vacations for 2023... and beyond. 

Be Orange!

IYKYK.

I spent this last weekend back at Warburg College for Homecoming/Family Weekend. Every year I say I want to go back for Homecoming but since I've moved out of the Cedar Valley, it hasn't happened. 

But luck on was on my side this year! My BFF (and college roomie) won the title of Ultimate Knight (her name was drawn on the UKnight Day of giving) and she got a free hotel room and free registration to the event. I immediately invited myself along on her trip. :) 

So we both made it back to Wartburg after far too many years away. Even better, another dear friend was temporarily back in town and able to spend a majority of the weekend with us. Plus I got to see another good friend on Saturday morning for a while. 

(Side note: I'm really hoping that I'll get to see even more amazing people next year because we'll be celebrating our 15 year reunion!!!) 

Being back at Wartburg was... magical. That place holds so many memories. It is the place where I learned, not only academically, but learned about the world, about others, about myself. It's a place where I started to grow into the person I am today. It's a place where I met people who would impact the course of my life. It's the place that gave me experiences I never imagined possible. It is a place that challenged me and pushed me. It is a place that comforted me and made me feel safe. 

As we sat at the bar on Saturday night, someone placed Lady Gaga's 'You and I' song. And I couldn't help but think, there really was "something about this place." 

We were walking around the Ren Faire and a business owner who had a table set up asked if we were alumni and if we were from the area. When we said that we were alumni from out of town he asked us, "What is it about Wartburg that bring so many of their alumni back year after year?" And I thought, it's just... home. Even when I first stepped onto Wartburg's campus as a senior in High School, I felt at home. 

It's a place where everyone is family. Where you can excitedly say hi when you see a familiar face even if you can't place their name. Where you can sit down with people you knew from your time in college, even if you didn't spend much time together then and spend hours chatting away in the Den. It's a place where you make forever-favorite friends with the most amazing people.  

And so the weekend was magically awesome. It was soul-filling in a way I didn't know I needed. It was reconnecting with people I should have never let drift away. It was being able to have these deep conversations and asking the types of questions that require reflecting. It was laughing loudly and creating new memories. 

But the weekend was not without some bittersweet feelings and memories as well. Because it was at Wartburg that I met AJ. It was at Wartburg I fell in love, got engaged and got married. For many years when I thought about Wartburg or talked about Wartburg, it involved AJ. Everything that I went through with AJ has changed me into the person I am today - for better or worse. And all that started with Wartburg. Those feelings are some of the most complicated and poignant ones. Because I can't regret what happened. Because I am thankful for so much.

All of that - the memories (the good and the bad), the people I've met, the reasons I am who I am today, my journey up until this point, the jobs I've held that have led me to my current role - so much of that started at Wartburg. It is forever a piece of me. 

And so, in deciding to "recreate" some of our college days and partake in a favorite Outfly tradition, two of my BFFs and I decided to get coordinating tattoos. Because once you go to Wartburg, you will always Be Orange. 

The Timeline of Grief

 I wrote the post below on March 27th, AJ's birthday. Actually I wrote in my journal. But it was one of those entries that I thought about sharing on here. And then I just didn't. But I went back and reread it again recently. And once again, I considered if this was one of those entries I should share. And now it's after 11pm on a Tuesday night and I just got off a phone call with some amazing friends.

And during our conversation, we talked about grief. We talked about the importance of grief. The importance of recognizing and owning your own grief. We talked about how grief has no timeline and no rules but your own. And we talked about how our society's view of grief is just generally f-ed up. And once again, my thoughts were back to this journal entry.

And so I'm going to share it with you now. Because maybe it's something that you need to hear too. Maybe it's something you need to work through some of your own feelings. And if not, writing it down was something that I needed. 

March 27, 2022

Generally when/if I don't journal for a while, it means life is good - no big events, no big struggles, no big emotions. And that's been the case. Things have been good. Really good. 

Brandon and I enjoyed a trip to Las Vegas over the New Year and then another trip to Florida in February with Jacob. 

I was happy. I was good. So much so in fact that I had a therapy appointment in January and after discussing my general happiness with my current life, my therapist asked me "Have you thought about how you're going to prepare for February this year?" 

I kid you not, I had to pause and think - what happens in February?

February. This month that I had come to hate, to loath, to dread with every fiber of my being over the past four years. And yet this year, it had basically skipped my mind. What?! I hadn't even been thinking about February, that's how good of a place I was in. 

And you know what, I was feeling really good about that. I was feeling proud of myself. Over the past year I have put in a lot of hard work on myself. I spent some time examining my relationship with AJ, the end of that relationship and his death. I had some hard but necessary conversations with AJ's family. I had put in this extremely hard work and here was my reward. I didn't have to fear the dread of February. It was amazing! 

Until it wasn't. 

Until I started feeling... guilty? Maybe? People would tell me they were thinking of me, knowing that February was a tough month for me. But I'd shrug and say, "I'm doing good actually!" It made me start wondering what kind of person did this make me? Is it okay for the grief to feel so absent in just four years? Was I a bad person for "moving on" that quickly? 

I started thinking back to a conversation I had with my mom. It was this conversation that really had me examining myself. She asked me, "Do you think you deserve to be happy?"

When she asked me this question, I immediately thought NO. Why should I get to be happy when the life that I thought I was going to have was taken from me? Why should I get to be happy when AJ is gone? That didn't seem fair. But really, I wasn't being fair to myself. 

I finally started to accept that. It was that realization that finally made me move to make things official with Brandon. I deserved to be happy. I wanted to be happen. And then I was! 

But now, I find myself questioning it all again. Not necessarily whether or not I deserve to be happy. But maybe if I deserve to be happy right now. 

I started to think that the absence of grief meant that I was losing that last connection to AJ. Like he was starting to disappear. And I'll admit, that scared me. How is it possible to keep someone you've lost close if you aren't grieving for them?

Today's is AJ's birthday. What should have been his 35th birthday. And honestly, I wasn't expecting to feel much emotion, I wasn't expecting to have any real sadness or grief because of the day. I thought I was losing that. 

Jacob and I spent the weekend in Iowa with AJ's family, eating his favorite foods and just enjoying our time together. We had such a fun time and I never get tired of watching Jacob play with his cousins. And I'm so grateful to still feel a part of this family; to be loved by them. 

When I woke up this morning and started getting ready for church, there was something... shadowing me, lurking close by. It felt foreign. Strange. I couldn't put my finger on what it was or why I was feeling it. 

And then I was reviewing my Facebook memories from this day. Two years ago on AJ's birthday, I posted a picture from a page in a book my mom had shared with me. I'll be honest, when she first shared this message with me, I didn't connect to it. I recognized it was a good message regarding grief, but it didn't really hit home for me. 

But when I read it this morning, it was like the lightbulb turned on in my head. 

Yes. This is what I had been doing. Clinging to my grief so I wouldn't lose my love of AJ. This is why I was keeping myself from being happen. In a way, clinging to the grief was easier. It was what I knew, what I expected. Letting it go meant navigating a new path forward. And what if the love I have for AJ doesn't stretch that far? 

It was also reading this passage today that made me realize it was grief that I was feeling today. Grief over AJ and the fact he had missed another birthday. Grief that AJ is gone and missing out on so much. Grief over the relationship Jacob and his dad will never have. Grief of missing the person AJ was before the mental health problems and addiction. Grief over this fear that I was forgetting who AJ was. 

And yet, at the exact same time, wrapped up in all that grief, was just a bit of relief as well. Relief that I was able to feel this grief so intensely again. Relief that my connection to AJ is still there. Relief that my love of AJ is still there. 

I hate that he is gone. I hate what was taken from him, from Jacob, from me. I hate that it's easier to remember the person AJ was towards the end of his life instead of the person I fell in love with and who he really was - this goofy, loving, kind, talented, caring, smiling, amazing man. 

And at the same time, I'm back to wondering how to live with this tether to my grief over AJ and being happy in my life, with my life now. Will it always be a struggle? Will it get easier in time?

I don't have the answers right now. But that's okay.