You woke up early on your birthday. Like 6 a.m. on the dot. The first words out of your mouth were, "Mommy, tell me Happy Birthday!" And then you raced upstairs to open presents.
It is so fun to watch you go through this world with your unlimited joy. I cannot believe how quickly you continue to grow and learn. I am forever amazed by the things you say and do. You are truly a light of joy and happiness.
My heart aches knowing what you've gone through in the past year of your life and what that means for each year moving forward. But I know that you have such a good heart and a strong love, and those will serve you well.
Your year of five already promises to be an exciting one! You received your first-ever bike and are learning how to ride it. Right now, it may be tough, but I know one day you're going to love zooming all over on your bike. We have a family trip planned to Disney World - your first big vacation, first theme park and first trip the ocean! I'm curious to see how it all goes. And this fall, you are starting the Knights Plus program in Lake Crystal, going to school five days a week. I know you're going to love that!
You still love all things dinosaur. And I mean ALL THINGS DINOSAUR. You can never have enough dinosaur toys. Seriously. I'm tempting to round them all up just to count how many you do have, but I don't know that we would be able to locate them all!
You love playing good guys and bad guys, and in fact, you still like being the bad guy more often than not. You enjoy watching YouTube videos, especially of other kids playing or opening new toys. Whenever you find a character you like, whether it's from a book, movie or game, you want it as a toy. You love helping Nana mow or going to the farm with Papa to "play pool". Of course you still love tractors and farming.
Recently you've done a lot of singing. You'll make up your own songs and tell some sort of story, all while dancing around the room in circles. I love these story songs. You and Nana also like telling stories by taking turns. You've had some interesting stories! You also like to play the piano while I sing a song. You like throwing the ball down the stairs and having someone throw it back up to you. You love bouncing. You love going to the park. You love watching me play Donkey Kong.
You also love to read. And this warms my heart!! You love to have stories read to you. You get the library fairly often with Nana. You love any book about dinosaurs, the Pigeon books and right now you really love the Elephant and Piggy books. We read these so often, that you like to be either Piggy or Elephant - mostly Piggy. So we read those books together, me as Elephant and you "reading" the part of Piggy. It is adorable. And you have a good memory!
We're continuing to work on letters and spelling. Soon we'll be teaching you to read! You love asking "What does this spell?" and then listing off different letters. Sometimes you manage to make a word, but not very often. You also like asking "What does __ and __ make?" Like what does 10 and 5 make? Or what is 4 and 6 and how do we get there? You have such a curious mind. The other night at dinner, I may have let you go a little crazy by letting you mix things up like your milk and ketchup or the ketchup in my water and stirring it up. You were having a blast. I might have to find you some sort of science kit for Christmas!
You still love spending time with your cousins Evie and KK. You love visiting Nana and Papa Z at the farm. You love playing with your "brother" Liam. You actually keep asking for a baby brother or sister. You love the babies at daycare; playing with them and making them smile and laugh.
You are the most wonderful kid, the light of my life. I love you so much. Happy Birthday.
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Saturday, June 16, 2018
Jacob's Anecdotes vol. 4
Jacob had a dentist appointment a couple months ago. He did about as well as could be expected for a four year old. His favorite part was being able to squirt water from the little water spray thing. But anyway, throughout the appointment, Jacob was being told how well he was doing, to keep it up buddy, you're doing great, etc. When his appointment was over, he went out in the hall and looked into the room next door, where someone else was having their teeth cleaned. Jacob immediately peered in and said, "You're doing good, buddy!" Sweetest and cutest thing ever!
***
The other day at Easter dinner, Jacob decided he was done eating. The problem was he only ate his ham, a bun and a bunch of pickles. And so I told him he needs to eat at least one bite of corn and one bite of potatoes if he wants dessert. Well, at first, he just told me he didn't want dessert. But then he came back. He asked where the potatoes were and I pointed to the cheesey potatoes on his plate. He immediately said "nope!" I put one little cubed hashbrown on his fork and asked him to try it. I just held the fork in front of his mouth because I could see him working up the courage to take a bite. He took the bite and all was good. After eating a bite of corn he exclaimed "I get dessert!!" He told me he wanted the "white, chocolate and pink ice cream, becuase I like the pink ice cream now Mommy" When we sat back down at the table, Jacob put a small piece of the strawberry ice cream on a spoon and held it up to my face. He said, "Try it Mommy, just one bite. See how YOU like it!" Oh my gosh, I just died laughing. And of course, tried the ice cream! :)
***
Jacob and I were recently at one of his therapy appointments. He was asked to play a game of Bingo. The therapist would call out an animal and told Jacob to see if he could find that animal on the bingo sheet. If he found it, he should cross it off with an "X". She called the first animal. Jacob looked down at his sheet for a few seconds and then drew one big X across the entire page and says "womp womp womp". It was hard to keep a straight face!!!
***
This isn't really one story... but Jacob has started to make up his own songs. He'll tell you he has a song for you and then sings and dances around, making it up as he goes! And I have to admit, they're pretty good songs! Always a good story! And, he's got a pretty good voice! :)
***
Jacob and I are helping "pet sit" Boomer the electronic dinosaur for my friend Brandon. One of the first nights, Jacob comes over to me and says, "Boomer just told me thank you for getting him away from the bad man. Brandon was the bad man." I think he's trying to convince me that Boomer needs to stay! Ha!
***
The other day at Easter dinner, Jacob decided he was done eating. The problem was he only ate his ham, a bun and a bunch of pickles. And so I told him he needs to eat at least one bite of corn and one bite of potatoes if he wants dessert. Well, at first, he just told me he didn't want dessert. But then he came back. He asked where the potatoes were and I pointed to the cheesey potatoes on his plate. He immediately said "nope!" I put one little cubed hashbrown on his fork and asked him to try it. I just held the fork in front of his mouth because I could see him working up the courage to take a bite. He took the bite and all was good. After eating a bite of corn he exclaimed "I get dessert!!" He told me he wanted the "white, chocolate and pink ice cream, becuase I like the pink ice cream now Mommy" When we sat back down at the table, Jacob put a small piece of the strawberry ice cream on a spoon and held it up to my face. He said, "Try it Mommy, just one bite. See how YOU like it!" Oh my gosh, I just died laughing. And of course, tried the ice cream! :)
***
Jacob and I were recently at one of his therapy appointments. He was asked to play a game of Bingo. The therapist would call out an animal and told Jacob to see if he could find that animal on the bingo sheet. If he found it, he should cross it off with an "X". She called the first animal. Jacob looked down at his sheet for a few seconds and then drew one big X across the entire page and says "womp womp womp". It was hard to keep a straight face!!!
***
This isn't really one story... but Jacob has started to make up his own songs. He'll tell you he has a song for you and then sings and dances around, making it up as he goes! And I have to admit, they're pretty good songs! Always a good story! And, he's got a pretty good voice! :)
***
Jacob and I are helping "pet sit" Boomer the electronic dinosaur for my friend Brandon. One of the first nights, Jacob comes over to me and says, "Boomer just told me thank you for getting him away from the bad man. Brandon was the bad man." I think he's trying to convince me that Boomer needs to stay! Ha!
Friday, June 15, 2018
M&J Adventure: Elm Creek Park Reserve
Jacob and I went on another one of our Mommy & Jacob Adventures! This time, to a new park!
I spent a couple hours in the early morning 'torturing' Jacob by having him smile nicely for his 5 year old photo shoot. My promise was that as soon as we were done, we'd go find a new park! And that's exactly what we did!
We loaded up the car and headed north - all the way to Maple Grove! We went to the Elm Creek Park Reserve which had an amazing play area. The ground was that bouncy rubber and was full of slopes and hills for kids to climb up or roll down. There were rocks and ropes for climbing, tall tunnel slides, a sand and play area for smaller kids, some unique swings and a wide variety of other equipment.
Jacob was super impressed! He took off running and didn't stop once. "Mommy, over here! Mommy, you can't catch me! Mommy, you're too big for this!" I thought he might be a little hesitant to try to tall tunnel slides but he zipped right down! Until one time, while taking his time going down the tunnel, a few girls came in after him and Jacob got a foot to the head. He was down with the slides after that.
By far his favorite activities at the park included "swinging". One was a round disc that kids could sit or lay down on while parents swing them back and forth. The other was almost like a zipline... they had a chair kids could be strapped into and could push the chair back and forth along the curved path. I was very impressed by fellow kids and parents - we had no issues with rude kids and all the parents were doing a great job about making sure kids were sharing and taking turns on the equipment.
The weather was cloudy and a little bit chilly, but I was still sweating following Jacob all around, so I would say perfect weather for the park! After the park, we found some lunch and McDonald's and then I had promised Jacob a stop at the big yellow barn for some candy.
Jacob fell asleep about 7 miles before the Candy Store but woke right up when we arrived. This was our first time stopping since the remodel and man, that place is just huge!! All the fun painting and decorations were super cool and of course, you can't beat the candy collection!
We managed to get home by about 4pm where Jacob decided he wanted to help Nana mow. So I would say it was a successful adventure day at Elm Creek park! They did have a swimming area so we might have to check that out if we get back up there!
I spent a couple hours in the early morning 'torturing' Jacob by having him smile nicely for his 5 year old photo shoot. My promise was that as soon as we were done, we'd go find a new park! And that's exactly what we did!
We loaded up the car and headed north - all the way to Maple Grove! We went to the Elm Creek Park Reserve which had an amazing play area. The ground was that bouncy rubber and was full of slopes and hills for kids to climb up or roll down. There were rocks and ropes for climbing, tall tunnel slides, a sand and play area for smaller kids, some unique swings and a wide variety of other equipment.
Jacob was super impressed! He took off running and didn't stop once. "Mommy, over here! Mommy, you can't catch me! Mommy, you're too big for this!" I thought he might be a little hesitant to try to tall tunnel slides but he zipped right down! Until one time, while taking his time going down the tunnel, a few girls came in after him and Jacob got a foot to the head. He was down with the slides after that.
By far his favorite activities at the park included "swinging". One was a round disc that kids could sit or lay down on while parents swing them back and forth. The other was almost like a zipline... they had a chair kids could be strapped into and could push the chair back and forth along the curved path. I was very impressed by fellow kids and parents - we had no issues with rude kids and all the parents were doing a great job about making sure kids were sharing and taking turns on the equipment.
The weather was cloudy and a little bit chilly, but I was still sweating following Jacob all around, so I would say perfect weather for the park! After the park, we found some lunch and McDonald's and then I had promised Jacob a stop at the big yellow barn for some candy.
Jacob fell asleep about 7 miles before the Candy Store but woke right up when we arrived. This was our first time stopping since the remodel and man, that place is just huge!! All the fun painting and decorations were super cool and of course, you can't beat the candy collection!
We managed to get home by about 4pm where Jacob decided he wanted to help Nana mow. So I would say it was a successful adventure day at Elm Creek park! They did have a swimming area so we might have to check that out if we get back up there!
Grief
Last night the tears came hard and fast. I hadn't been myself. Apparently, I have appeared down. But I couldn't quite put my finger on it right away.
Then it came. The grief. The overpowering sadness. The realization that he's gone and can't come back. The unfairness of it. It all arrived quickly and knocked me down. The tears wouldn't stop. I struggled to catch my breath.
There didn't seem to be any noticeable trigger. Instead, it appeared like a sudden downpour on a cloudless day. It felt raw and fresh. I'll admit, I was surprised by the intensity. The ferocity of pain and sadness.
I wanted to wrap myself in something of his. A sweatshirt or a t-shirt. The loss felt so distant and I craved to be near him again in some sort of sense. I had to stop myself from crawling into bed with Jacob and holding him as I cried, the one thing that will always connect us.
And on top of all of that, the knowledge that it will never get better or easier. It will become different. The pain may be spread farther apart, but it will always be there. Lurking just below.
Even today, it continues. A grief hangover. My eyes puffy and red. There's a heavy lead something in my chest, holding me down. Even my arms and legs feel hot and heavy.
I feel alone on my island of grief. But that's okay. There's seems like nothing anyone could say or do to help me through this wave of grief. It'll pass and it'll come again. I feel like I need to just experience these emotions when they come. I don't need your pity. When I need your comfort, I'll come to you. But this pain and grief feels like mine alone. And mine alone to work through.
I think with Father's Day on Sunday and Jacob's birthday around the corner, I'm stuck in a place of ... I don't even know. Sorrow of what he's missing out on. Mourning what Jacob is missing out on with him not around. And fear that I alone am not enough for Jacob.
So no, I guess I'm not okay. But that's okay. I don't need to be okay right now. And I hope you can be okay with that too. I ask that you just keep letting me process my thoughts and feelings as I need to. I ask that you just let me be not okay sometimes. I promise that if it gets to be too much, I'll reach out. Maybe check in sometimes if you feel you need to, but try not to be upset if I only give noncommittal answers. Sometimes, that's the best I can do.
I've often thought in the past few months that even when I wasn't doing okay, it was better to just act like I was. Easier for people to think things are fine. Easier than trying to answers questions about how I really feel when I can't even explain it to myself. But I'm just not sure I have the strength to do that anymore.
I'm realizing just how tricky this feeling of grief can be. I will probably never understand it. But it is completely a part of me now. And I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to be okay with that.
Then it came. The grief. The overpowering sadness. The realization that he's gone and can't come back. The unfairness of it. It all arrived quickly and knocked me down. The tears wouldn't stop. I struggled to catch my breath.
There didn't seem to be any noticeable trigger. Instead, it appeared like a sudden downpour on a cloudless day. It felt raw and fresh. I'll admit, I was surprised by the intensity. The ferocity of pain and sadness.
I wanted to wrap myself in something of his. A sweatshirt or a t-shirt. The loss felt so distant and I craved to be near him again in some sort of sense. I had to stop myself from crawling into bed with Jacob and holding him as I cried, the one thing that will always connect us.
And on top of all of that, the knowledge that it will never get better or easier. It will become different. The pain may be spread farther apart, but it will always be there. Lurking just below.
Even today, it continues. A grief hangover. My eyes puffy and red. There's a heavy lead something in my chest, holding me down. Even my arms and legs feel hot and heavy.
I feel alone on my island of grief. But that's okay. There's seems like nothing anyone could say or do to help me through this wave of grief. It'll pass and it'll come again. I feel like I need to just experience these emotions when they come. I don't need your pity. When I need your comfort, I'll come to you. But this pain and grief feels like mine alone. And mine alone to work through.
I think with Father's Day on Sunday and Jacob's birthday around the corner, I'm stuck in a place of ... I don't even know. Sorrow of what he's missing out on. Mourning what Jacob is missing out on with him not around. And fear that I alone am not enough for Jacob.
So no, I guess I'm not okay. But that's okay. I don't need to be okay right now. And I hope you can be okay with that too. I ask that you just keep letting me process my thoughts and feelings as I need to. I ask that you just let me be not okay sometimes. I promise that if it gets to be too much, I'll reach out. Maybe check in sometimes if you feel you need to, but try not to be upset if I only give noncommittal answers. Sometimes, that's the best I can do.
I've often thought in the past few months that even when I wasn't doing okay, it was better to just act like I was. Easier for people to think things are fine. Easier than trying to answers questions about how I really feel when I can't even explain it to myself. But I'm just not sure I have the strength to do that anymore.
I'm realizing just how tricky this feeling of grief can be. I will probably never understand it. But it is completely a part of me now. And I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to be okay with that.
Monday, June 4, 2018
Jacob and His Bike
I bought Jacob a bike. I've been feeling rather behind on this childhood milestone for awhile now. What five year old kid doesn't know how to ride a bike? Or even pedal? Mine, apparently.
Jacob, for his part, kept asking why we couldn't just go for bike rides where he gets pulled along in the bike trailer. He kept insisting this way was best.
My answer stayed the same. "You're getting too big for the trailer and I'm not strong enough to pull you." You see... it was always his dad who would pull the trailer. I think another part of me didn't want to take this memory away from Jacob. It's one of those memories he might actually remember well about his dad.
Austin was so excited to get Jacob on his own bike. We almost bought him one for Christmas but Jacob was showing little interest in them so we didn't. I wish now we would have bought one then. Now, Austin will never get to see Jacob on his bike. He wasn't there the first time he climbed on. The first time he thought he was going to fall over before the training wheels caught him. The first time he managed to pedal across the driveway. He won't be there when those training wheels (hopefully) come off one day. Or for the many adventures Jacob will (hopefully) have while riding bike.
I knew one of the things Austin was looking forward to so much was teaching Jacob how to ride a bike. I was excited for him to teach Jacob. I knew it would be such a great father/son bonding experience.
But that's no longer an option. And with Jacob turning five, knowing that this birthday would have been the one we probably got him that first bike, I went ahead and purchased a bike. And Jacob. Well, Jacob cries every time I make him get on the bike and try to ride it. I'm not sure if he really just doesn't want to ride it, or if he can pick up on my emotions trying to teach him: "this should be your dad. your dad should be here." It's bittersweet every time I force him on that bike. I hate seeing him cry. And I hate seeing him struggle. But I also hate the fact that Austin isn't there to see it all too.
Jacob and I will keep on truckin'. I'll keep forcing him to get on that bike. I'll make sure he learns how to ride. But I'll also make sure he knows how much his daddy wanted him to ride a bike and how much he would have loved going on bike rides together.
And to end this post on a slightly more humorous note... One evening my dad and I were trying to get Jacob to bike across the driveway. He was crying and screaming, tears running down his face. He struggled to pedal. My dad said, "Jacob, you've got chicken legs!" And Jacob, bless his heart and through his tears, started clucking like a chicken.
Jacob, for his part, kept asking why we couldn't just go for bike rides where he gets pulled along in the bike trailer. He kept insisting this way was best.
My answer stayed the same. "You're getting too big for the trailer and I'm not strong enough to pull you." You see... it was always his dad who would pull the trailer. I think another part of me didn't want to take this memory away from Jacob. It's one of those memories he might actually remember well about his dad.
Austin was so excited to get Jacob on his own bike. We almost bought him one for Christmas but Jacob was showing little interest in them so we didn't. I wish now we would have bought one then. Now, Austin will never get to see Jacob on his bike. He wasn't there the first time he climbed on. The first time he thought he was going to fall over before the training wheels caught him. The first time he managed to pedal across the driveway. He won't be there when those training wheels (hopefully) come off one day. Or for the many adventures Jacob will (hopefully) have while riding bike.
I knew one of the things Austin was looking forward to so much was teaching Jacob how to ride a bike. I was excited for him to teach Jacob. I knew it would be such a great father/son bonding experience.
But that's no longer an option. And with Jacob turning five, knowing that this birthday would have been the one we probably got him that first bike, I went ahead and purchased a bike. And Jacob. Well, Jacob cries every time I make him get on the bike and try to ride it. I'm not sure if he really just doesn't want to ride it, or if he can pick up on my emotions trying to teach him: "this should be your dad. your dad should be here." It's bittersweet every time I force him on that bike. I hate seeing him cry. And I hate seeing him struggle. But I also hate the fact that Austin isn't there to see it all too.
Jacob and I will keep on truckin'. I'll keep forcing him to get on that bike. I'll make sure he learns how to ride. But I'll also make sure he knows how much his daddy wanted him to ride a bike and how much he would have loved going on bike rides together.
And to end this post on a slightly more humorous note... One evening my dad and I were trying to get Jacob to bike across the driveway. He was crying and screaming, tears running down his face. He struggled to pedal. My dad said, "Jacob, you've got chicken legs!" And Jacob, bless his heart and through his tears, started clucking like a chicken.
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