2021: Connect

So I've been tossing a few words around, trying to determine my 2021 Word of the Year. One of those was Connect. It came to me the same way last year's word did - through a quiz on Dayspring.com. But I'll be honest, when the word was first revealed to me after the quiz I thought, "that's boring." I set it aside as I continued to ponder and pray over my 2021 Word of the Year. 

I was very much leaning in another direction when this word came back to me and was placed on my heart. 

You see, the beginning of 2021 has already been filled with hate and division. I don't need to tell you. And while I don't want to make this a political post to discuss current events and what it looks like to move forward, I do have to recognize that there is a need to connect with others more personally. Not just arguing on Facebook, which yes, I admit, I struggle with. 

Recently, I've been having a conversation with a very good friend from college. Our political views have always been different but we've always been able to have really good conversations. While these don't get to happen as much as they did when we were in college, it was this most recent conversation that really brought the word Connect back to the forefront. 

See, chances are, we - as in all people - probably agree with each other more than we think we do. But we don't often realize this because of our social media world and the very loud voices of a few. But taking the time to really connect, to really talk, to really listen - this is when you really start to learn. 

In this particular conversation with my friend, our faith as Christians was also a main point. And so I found myself thinking, am I connecting enough with others as a Christian? As a child of God? Can I be more connected to God in my personal relationship with Him so that others can clearly see His light through me? At the end of 2020, I started Bible Journaling again to reconnect with God and it was amazing how different I felt after spending that intentional time in His word. 

I also feel like 2020 was such a crazy year and because of the pandemic, we didn't get to travel or go out and do things as much as we liked. And this made it harder to connect with our family and friends. I think - I hope, I pray - that in 2021, we'll have more chances to connect with each other. 

I'm also very much still in this place of learning who I am right now and learning to love myself. So continuing to connect with myself is another must for the year. 

So there it is. My 2021 Word of the Year: Connect. I'm excited to see what this year brings, what God has planned for me and how this word will manifest itself in my life. 

2020: Bloom

 My 2020 Word of the Year was Bloom. I'm pretty sure I never wrote about it at the beginning of the year. Mostly because it was a word that came to me in an pretty uneventful manner. I took a quiz on Dayspring.com and that was what it suggested. I didn't have anything better in mind, so I took it.

But, looking back at 2020?? Bloom was a very fitting word. 

I don't need to tell you what 2020 was like. It was... well, you know. A lot of things sucked. But there was also quite a bit of good that happened. 

I talked a little bit about Bloom in my recent post reflecting on one year at the YMCA. And this is really where I think my word of the year was most evident. Starting a new job right before a world pandemic is not something I anticipated doing. Learning the ropes at a new job is always challenging. Learning the ropes and building new ropes as you navigate unknown territories? Woah. 

I'm incredibly proud of the work I've accomplished at the Y. I personally always feel I work better when I have a good challenge or have a lot of different projects to work on. And in 2020, I had challenge after challenge and projects on top of projects. It was stressful, wonderful, demanding, fun, crazy and so much more.

I was already looking forward to this position at the Y to help me grow in my profession. But 2020 gave me the opportunity to really bloom; to thrive. And I'm grateful for that. 

For the past few years, since AJ's death, I've felt like I was in survival mode. I had no choice to stop or even pause really. I had to keep going, but I was going at the bare minimum. Doing just what I had to do in order to survive. At work. At home. With Jacob. With myself. 

This past year, I finally found myself in a place where I could start moving past that. I found myself thinking more about what I want for the future. I felt more comfortable taking risks and trying new things. Thanks in a large part to consistent therapy throughout the year, I really started taking a look at figuring out the person I am in this life I never expected. 

Obviously I have a long way yet before I feel like I'm truly thriving in all aspects of my life, but I have definitely started blooming. I can't tell you how refreshing it feels to be able to think past survival mode. And to be clear, me moving past survival mode does not diminish the grief and difficulties that came after losing AJ and that continue today. But I am in a better place. And I'm grateful for that. 

About halfway through the year, I came up with this:

B: Be confident & beautiful
L: Love myself
O: Offer myself grace
O: Open to new adventures
M: Mindful gratitude

I'll admit I didn't follow it as much as I probably should have. But there's no reason I can't try to continue this into the new year! Each of those things are still things that I struggle with on a daily basis. 

Also, about mid-year, I started reading a book and this quote was the start of chapter 1:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" -Anais Nin

I really connected with this quote and took it as encouragement from God that I'm on the right path. 

I also created a list of other ways I felt I've bloomed over the past year: 

• Bought a brand new electric bike and named her Rose
• Which meant spending more time outdoors with Jacob and my parents 
• Kept going to therapy on a consistent basis, rather than just when things fall apart
• I joined the church council at church, along with the Peace & Justice Commission
• Kicking butt at the YMCA professionally :) 
• Did more volunteering through church on a couple of projects
• I randomly bought myself flowers just because (more than once!), which also allowed me to support a local business 
• Doing video chats with some amazing friends that I can't even begin to explain just how important they've been for me
• I gave a sermon at church about my 2018 word of the year
• I read a total 70 books throughout the year (20 past my goal!) 
• I started Bible Journaling again and connecting with God 
• I was fortunate enough to not only stay employed all year, but to be in a position where I could give to help others throughout the year
• I worked another season at Fun.com and am so close to completely paying off all my debt
• I stayed engaged with politics on all levels - okay, so this isn't new for me, but I think was very important this past year and will continue to be so
• I was preapproved for a mortgage and started looking at houses (nothing yet though)
• I had some tough conversations with people that I love and care about it and that have strengthened those relationships
• I'm eager to learn about myself in this moment of my life
• I'm trying to learn to love myself better 
• And moving past that survival mode to whatever comes next 

Obviously life is a constant journey. But I can't say that 2020 was a complete dumpster fire for me. And I am so grateful for that. 

I don't yet have my Word of the Year for 2021; I'm still doing some thinking. But I will definitely find something. This has become something I look forward to at the start of each new year and something that helped me throughout each year. 

And just for fun, here's a look at the Pinterest board I created for BLOOM: https://www.pinterest.com/lizzaruba/2020-bloom/ 

One Year Later

I have officially been at the YMCA for a year now. My annual review paperwork has confirmed this. :) I can still remember coming across the job opening on Facebook... Graphic Design and Marketing Director. I felt a pull, a call to a "real adult job". I quickly applied and when it took awhile to get back to me after the interview, I started to fear I didn't get the job. It was then how much I realized I really wanted a shot at this position, to better myself and to get back to doing more of what I love. But I did indeed get the job. And this first year on the job has been like none I have ever experienced, nothing I could have imagined, and completely amazing. 

Going back real quick to my "real adult job" comment... I've been in the professional world for over 10 years now. I've held a number of jobs - some I've loved and others I've tolerated. I have been fortunate to work across a number of sectors and have learned a great deal. But many of those jobs were for coordinators or assistants. There's nothing wrong with this and this is how you learn and grow as a professional. This job at the YMCA felt like it could be my first grown-up job. Obviously that's silly since I've been an adult for some time now, but I felt more importance tied to this role, more responsibility, more leadership. And in all honesty, I finally felt that I was ready for this type of role, this higher position.

Looking back at previous jobs, I can see how they were all the right job for that particular time in my life. Looking back, I can see how much I grew and learned from those previous jobs. Each one, each supervisor, each co-worker played an important part in my journey. And I am so grateful for that. 

Four years at Wartburg College drilled into my head this idea of finding my calling. And since I've graduated, I've struggled with that idea. I've struggled to put a name and identity to my calling, my vocation. It wasn't until 2015 that I thought "I think I've found it." It was then I got a job doing communications for a local nonprofit. Not only did I love the work I was doing, I felt like I had a purpose in life. My work was helping others. That was one thing that always seemed to be missing previously. I loved that job. Unfortunately, for a few reasons, there came a time where I needed to find something else for awhile. 

So when this job opened up, I saw it as an opening back into the nonprofit world. A world that I had missed, a world where I felt purpose. After a year on the job, I have that feeling again - that feeling of purpose, of meaning. It makes the work I do so much more enjoyable. 

One of the best parts of my Graphic Design and Marketing Director position is the variety. This is what I've always enjoyed about most of my jobs - that every day looks completely different, not the same thing every single day. And this job seems to be the best compilation of skills needed. So in case you have no idea what it is exactly that I do, let me take a minute to tell you... 

I get to be creative!! I spend my days creating graphics for social medias, flyers, events, brochures and program guides. I am the official Y photographer for all programs, events and every day activities. I write - letters, emails, newsletters, press releases, various content for marketing pieces, etc. I manage the upkeep of our website, which always seems to need updating. I manage mailing lists and advertising information. I've done more video producing this year than in my past 10 years combined. I help manage our social media accounts. I've become the point of contact for our new reservation system and mobile app. I make sure everything is following the Y's brand standards. I provide marketing support not only for the Y, but for the many programs we offer - mentoring, camp, preschool, STRIDE, fitness and wellness, aquatics, after-school, membership, the skate park, our annual campaign, etc. 

I keep busy. I often have a long list of projects that need to be completed. My door is always open as people tend to just stop in my office when they have a new request. I'm always multi-tasking on a few different things. But let me be very clear here: I love it.

I love the busyness. I love the long lists of projects. I love the challenge of having much to accomplish. I love the feeling of finishing a project or a job well done. 

After a month or so on the job, I found myself getting into a groove. I was finding my footing, making plans for what I wanted the role to look like moving forward. I had some new ideas and great momentum working with our marketing committee. But by March of this year, everything got derailed. 

Suddenly, I was doing a job I had no idea how to do; a job I never imagined having to do. I was learning how to be a marketing director for a gym and nonprofit during a world pandemic with no previous or specific experience to rely on. Obviously, we were all in this sort of position, but that does not take away from the challenge it was. We were making adjustments in real time, finding ways to stay connected to members while our doors were closed, basically just trying to stay above water. Things I had planned couldn't happen, projects I was working on were no longer needed. It was a complete shift. Honestly, it was not the type of curveball I was expecting from my first "real adult job". :)  

Looking back on the past few months, I am proud. I'm proud of our team for everything we did and continue to do. I am proud of the work I accomplished. I'm proud of how I grew in the face of the challenges in front of me. My word of the year for 2020 is Bloom. I feel confident in saying that I feel like I have flourished in my professional world. I stepped up when it was needed and continue to produce strong work. All of this is why this job has been so amazing. I feel a sense of purpose; I feel challenged; I feel myself growing; I feel grateful for the job. I am happy. 

And on top of all of that, I work with some of the most amazing people.  

So one year later... I am as excited to come into work every day as I was on my very first day. Maybe more so! I am happy. I am fulfilled. I feel a sense of belonging. I feel like I have found my calling. 

The One Where I Turn 35

 I am about to turn 35. 

My sister (jokingly?) asked about a month ago if I was starting to freak out yet. Apparently, according to her, I had a mini freak out before turning 30. I don't recall such a thing happening, but hey, I am getting old.

But she did get me thinking. I am about about to turn 35. Should I be freaking out? And if I should be freaking out, what should I be freaking out about exactly? Nothing really sprang to mind, but I decided to take stock of where I am in life. So here we go.

I am about to turn 35. I live in my parents' basement. I have lived in my parents' basement for five years. I have an amazing and smart seven year old boy who is my whole world and who I let sleep in my bed with me because he is the best at snuggling. I am divorced and widowed, although I sometimes question the widow thing because of the divorce thing. I am incredibly blessed to have my family - both my Minnesota family and my Iowa family. I also have some seriously awesome friends that I don't know what I would do without. 

I love sleep. But then I often stay up way too late finishing a book or writing down my random thoughts (like this blog). I go to therapy, fairly sporadic over the past five years, but hopefully finally making this commitment to myself and going on a regular basis. I could probably lose some weight, I think about it often, but I love sweets too damn much. I'm a creative person who loves writing, doodling, singing, journaling, photography, designing. Also, huge bookworm. 

After over 10 years in the workforce, I am at a job that I truly love and enjoy. A job where I can create, where I am challenged, where I am respected and where I feel like I can make a difference. I have a church community I love; a place where I feel like I belong, a place where I can be involved and a place where I can share my gifts. I've worked incredibly hard over the past five years to arrive to this place where I am within reaching distance of being completely debt-free. 

I am stubborn and bossy. I'm discovering I've become very independent over the past few years and I like this. I'm very opinionated and not afraid to speak my mind. I may comment on political posts on social media more than I should. I care deeply and love hard. I sometimes feel like an introverted extrovert. I've been told over the past few years that I am strong, but sometimes I have a hard time believing that. 

I love fall. And October. I love orange and pink. I love sweets and Dr. Pepper. Thunderstorms are my favorite. I could sit all day in front of a fire or a body of water. I love reading and all kinds of music. I have a thing for pillows. I like playing video games and The Sims. I might be slightly obsessed with Friends and have probably seen every episode dozens of times. I miss traveling. I sometimes feel like a romantic at heart and at the same time realistic of the fact that life is not like the books I read or movies I watch.

Sometimes I’ll stay awake at night to watch Jacob sleep, marveling at this person I created, holding my hand to his head, absorbing this overwhelming feeling of love. Sometimes I’ll wear one of AJ’s old sweatshirts and think about all that I’ve lost. And I sometimes cry pretty easily at books, movies, music or TV shows.

I’m about to turn 35. And I am a very different person now than who I was just five years ago. My 2020 Word of the Year is Bloom. And I’m trying to apply that to myself. I am trying to open myself up to discover who I am today. I want to learn more about this person and figure out how to love myself as the person I am today. I’m reflecting on the events of life that has brought me to this point in life and that have made me this person. 

So. 35. I think I'm doing okay. I think I'll save any freak out until I hit 40... :) 

Love Is

 Over the past year or so, I've thought about this blog post a lot. What I wanted to say and who I wanted to write it to - you or Austin directly. But the last few months have thrown everything else out the window. Until today. 

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Last year, I wrote a blog post about the day and considering just sharing that again today. But then as I was looking through my Memories on Facebook, I saw this post from my Mom. 

I clicked the link to listen to the song. And immediately fell apart. 

Music is a powerful tool. 

Which reminded me of why I'm now writing this post. 

After Austin passed, his high school graduating class decided they wanted to collect money to commission a choral piece of music, written and composed in Austin's memory. (If you don't know, Austin was a choir director and a damn fine one at that.) And that's exactly what they did.

They reached out to composer Connor Koppin, who is also a Wartburg grad. And in turn, Connor reached out to Brian Newhouse, a poet he's worked with often on different pieces. 

Here's where I want to tell you that not only was this a perfect and amazing way to remember and honor Austin, but the process of the entire thing was very much needed for us as Austin's family. It was cathartic in many ways. And for that, I am so grateful. 

Brian reached out to us as family and asked if we would mind having a conversation about Austin and why this piece was being commissioned in his memory. It was during that conversation, that some real healing started to take place among us. For me, at least, it also felt like this piece was being created for a larger reason. During that call, Brian told us a bit about his personal life and it was like an immediate connection - Brian would have the right words for this song. 

A few weeks later, we got a copy of the music, along with a digital recording of the music and parts, but no voices singing along. Even as someone who can read music, I had a hard time putting the music and words together. But the more I listened to the music, the more I read the words, and the more I sang along, the more I fell in love. 

STOP here if you aren't interested in my interpretation of the music or if you want to listen to the song yourself first. Skip to the video at the end of this post.

 

While I surrounded myself in the music and lyrics, I couldn't help but think how beautiful the music and composition sound. But I also recognized that it an extremely hard piece of music. It was not a song that most choirs would be able to pick up and have ready within a few rehearsals. But I liked this aspect. I thought 'this is totally Austin'. First, he would have enjoyed the complexity of the music, the challenge for his choirs. And second, his life was not easy; it was hard and complicated. And you can feel that in the music. 

To me, this song feels like a letter to Austin. We're telling him all these things - how we carry his name and love fills our hearts. And as the music changes, it's like we're yelling these things at Austin because he's no longer listening to us. Then the line "so that one day you may sing" is so quiet and peaceful - Austin finally listened. And he was finally free. And we can praise God by singing holy, holy, holy because he is free from pain and sorrow. He is singing again in heaven. 

Here are the lyrics: 

A river carries your name through every bend of my heart.
May this love named for you, return to you.
Swarming your shadows to the depths of the sea. 
A river carries your name.
A new sun rose on the day of your birth.
It floods each acre in the fields of my heart.
Let this love bind your shadows.
Let this love bind your shadows, send them reeling into silence. 
So that one day, you may sing:
Holy, this breath is holy.
This living holy.
This love, holy, holy, holy. 

And here is the premiere performance of "Love Is" by the Tipton Chamber Choir from March 2020, with an introduction by Brianne Magill.

I apologize for the quality of video; I was holding my cell phone and Jacob may have been whispering to me during some parts. :) 

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, you are not alone. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255.  

Once a Butter-nutter, Always a Butter-nutter

 After 151 years of ministry, Our Saviour's Lutheran Church in Butternut, Minnesota has closed its doors. 

Our Saviour's was my home congregation, my first church. It was such a huge part of my life growing up and shaped me in many ways to the person I am today. I created life-long friendships, questioned and grew my faith, sang songs of praise, welcomed new members into families and said goodbye to loved ones. It's where it was ingrained in me to always volunteer to help clean up after events, clearing the plates of others and getting the dishes done. It taught me to lift high the cross. 

The church has never been about the building. But I can't deny the many memories made inside this particular building. A small country church, surrounded by corn and soybean fields. It's completely true what they say - Once a Butter-nutter, Always a Butter-nutter. (I think we were going to get hats that said this one year... haha!) 

Below are some of the memories that I never want to forget when it comes to Butternut. It will forever hold a very special place in my heart. 

• This is the church I was baptized and confirmed my faith. It is also the place where Jacob was baptized. My siblings were baptized and confirmed here and my younger sister had her ordination service at Butternut. My mom grew up in the church as well, baptized, confirmed and then married my dad in this one place. It was where we said goodbye to my Grandma and across the road is where she and others rest with the saints. 
• I grew up going to Sunday School, gathering before it started in the social hall. I remember that on your birthday you got to put a special offering in the little church piggy bank. 
• I spent each summer going to Vacation Bible School (VBS). My Grandma and Aunt Missy often helping. And Barb a constant in anything related to youth. 
• Thursday night of VBS we spent walking the ditch and eating supper. But Friday was always everyone's favorite day - water balloons and water guns to end the week. 
• VBS was filled with music and crafts and of course snacks. We would get to climb the large tree out front when it was time to hear the story of Zacchaeus. And a tent would often get set up and moved around the grounds for other story times. I think I remember one time trying to rig a system so we could lower someone into the tent from above - can you name that Biblical story? 
• Games of Red Rover and basketball took place outside. 
• When we were little, we always sat in the back row of church, my siblings and cousins and Grandpa. He would always have gum for us. As we grew, we moved to the very front of the church. There was still gum. And one memory of Daniel when he was still very young standing up on the pew during a song, slipping and hitting his forehead on the pew in front of us. 
• I remember the Halloween parties that took place in the social hall each year. Games and treats and fun! A "cake walk" near one end, one of the Sunday School rooms where I blindly put my hand in boxes to feel "eyeballs" and "brains". And the Big Kids who would set up a haunted house down in the basement. I'm going to be honest, I don't think I ever made it down there! 
• The Christmas Program growing up was also a fond memory each year. The large tree up front, waiting excitingly to see which part you would have - sheep? Angel? Mary? A wise man? Singing our songs in front of the dress in our fancy Christmas outfits. But my favorite part, and I'm probably not the only one, would be when Barb brought out the large birthday cake and we all sang Happy Birthday to Jesus. And ate cake. And the goodie bags filled with peanuts and other treats. 
• As we got older, monthly Luther League meetings, which always included needing to remind the bus driver that this Wednesday we needed to be dropped off at church please. Meetings were filled with fun and more snacks. These were by far some of my favorite times with friends at church. One Wednesday, they had just mopped and waxed the social hall, everything was cleared out. We held a game of sock hockey. 
• And one Luther League Wednesday every year was spent decorating the entire church with all the many Christmas decorations. The large Christmas tree, the garland hung from the choir loft and up along the railing. Setting up the Manager, with its green grass roof and wooden figures. 
• We would go to camp in the summer - Shores of St. Andrew and Green Lake Bible Camp. Spending a week away with strangers and away from our parents, swimming in the lake, worshiping in the beautiful chapel, sleeping in cabins, riding out some storms, playing games and singing songs (like Baby Shark...), doing skits and eating in the hall. 
• And even before camp, the car ride there would just as much fun - often we were driven by volunteer members of the congregation and we knew how to make those rides entertaining. Gettin' Siggy with it! 
• Easter Sunrise Services, led by the youth. Some of these services started in the cemetery across the road, which usually meant freezing in our Easter dresses and watching out for snakes. Then always the big pancake breakfast. 
• Confirmation on Wednesday nights, switching between Our Saviour's and Faith in Madelia. Racing to get the big red pillows to sit on and filling out the Sunday sermon notes. Small groups with our leaders, sharing our highs and lows from the week. I can remember one week sharing my low of failing gym class. Yup. Or maybe it was just a test. Making our own stoles with felt and then standing in front of the congregation, on that Confirmation Sunday. 
• As I got older, I joined the church choir, with Grandma directing and never taking any crap from anyone. She knew how to get the best out of all of us. I always felt like an adult when I was at choir practice, listening to all the real adults talk about whatever it was they talked about. 
• Each summer we would do a week-long service trip. One year was always more local, a trip to cities to volunteer and help out at different nonprofits. Our regional trip included a week of white-water canoeing, which isn't something I ever thought I would enjoy, but had one of the best weeks ever. And even a trip to Guatemala, where we did various service projects and learned about the history of the church in Guatemala. 
• And before we went anywhere, there was always a group picture in front of the church, around the sign. And many scrambling to climb to the top to sit for the picture. 
• We started a praise band that sang praise songs once a month and my love of singing grew. One of my favorites will always include Shout to the Lord with Krista next to me and Lauren jamming out on the piano.  
• It was in the church social hall that I had my first cup of coffee; where I ate many meals - including a full Seder Supper one Lenten season. 

The church is definitely much more than just the building. It's the people, the memories, the service, the music, the Word of God, the connections, the love. And the vision of Our Saviour's was always much larger than just our small country church. And while Butternut may just be a place on a map, being a Butter-nutter will always be so much more. 

Happy 7th Birthday Jacob!

Happy Birthday to my favorite boy. 

Waking up this morning, it was the first time that I have not spent your actual birthday with you. Instead you have spent the week in Iowa at the farm with Nana and Papa and your cousins. And from the pictures and videos I get, you have been having an amazing time. 

I love watching how close you are with your cousins, how well the three of you play together. It's so fun to listen to where your imagination brings you. You're all at such a perfect and fun age right now. 

It's hard to believe it's been seven years since your dad and I welcomed you into this world. And as I look at the boy you've grown into so far, I can't help but be amazed. Amazed at who you are. To me you are perfect. 

It also becomes more and more apparent how much of your dad you've inherited as you continue to grow. You have his love of talking, his great use of facial expressions and his flair for entertaining/acting. 

You are clever and funny and goofy in all the right ways. You make everyone laugh. You make everyone fall in love with you. You are kind and caring, despite your continuing allegiance towards the "bad guys". 

Your current obsessions include Superheros and Villains - Marvel, DC, Transformers, Skylanders - you love them all.  You've also gotten into gaming (which your dad would LOVE) Your favorite games are Lego DC Villains on the Nintendo Switch and Skylanders on the Wii. You still love swinging and swimming. You're working on mastering your bike, but you LOVE the pull-behind tandem bike we've added to mine. You would spend all day and every day in your PJs if we let you. And you have no problem wearing PJs that are three-years too small. You love all things chocolate. And you still love books and reading. 

And oh boy, your reading. Your reading skills grew fast this year and I love listening to you read books to me. I also love listening to when you "read" a book, but make up your own story. You are a very good story-teller. 

You were doing so well at school with Kindergarten and it was fun to watch you learn and grow. COVID-19 of course threw things off track and you finished the year with distant learning, having me, Nana and Aunt Meg as your at-home teachers. But even through all of that, you continued to thrive and learn. You also absolutely got use to being home and the only kid around the rest of us adults. :) It was not how I imagined you'd graduate from Kindergarten, and even now, we don't yet know what this fall will look like when you start 1st Grade. But I do know that no matter what, you will continue to grow and learn and thrive. 

Every single day I am thankful for you. I'm thankful for your smile and your giggles. I'm thankful for your hugs and your cuddles. I'm thankful for your questions and curiosity. I'm thankful for your imagination. I'm thankful that I get to catch glimpses of your dad in you. I am so thankful for the pure joy you bring to my life every day. 

Happy Birthday, Jacob. You truly are my favorite and I love you, so much.