Remember to use your PTO

It's been a long time since I've done an end of the year post. But recently, Snapchat showed me my "year in review" and it got me thinking about everything I've done in just the past year. 

I recently came across this post on social media and immediately saved it. I also sent it to a few people - some who would understand my desire to be able to do all the things and some who needed a reminder to take that time for themselves! :) 

I have always loved to travel. Thanks to my parents, I grew up traveling the United States. Every summer we would take a family vacation and drive (yes - drive!) somewhere across the country. We did take the occasional flight for some trips... Because of these vacations and some of my own, I have visited 48 states. I am only missing Alaska and Oregon. 

I've also traveled internationally. I've been to Guatemala for a Church Service Trip in high school, a cruise to the Bahamas for a High School Band trip and Spain, again in high school, for my Spanish class. In college I traveled to Germany, South Africa and Namibia my sophomore year, Prague and Germany my junior year and in my senior year a May Term trip to Italy, Slovenia, Austria, Germany, Luxembourg and South Africa. 

I've always considered myself lucky and grateful to have had these experiences. And I have always wanted to make sure that Jacob grows up having the same sort of experiences. 

After 2017, I knew I had to follow through with that promise to Jacob. In February 2017, Jacob lost his father and I lost a man that I had loved very much. The idea that tomorrow is not promised became a reality.

A year or so after AJ passed, I had a meeting with my financial advisor who suggested that Jacob and I take a trip every February together: to honor AJ's memory; to never forget to live life; to try and escape the cold! I instantly loved the idea and now, every February, Jacob and I take a short trip together, just an extended weekend somewhere fun. 

But we certainly don't limit ourselves just to February. We've also managed to take vacations with both the Reedstrom family and Zaruba family! In fact, we currently have it worked out to travel with one family for one year and then the next family the next year. We've been to Hawaii, Florida and Lake of the Ozarks in previous years. I've also managed some vacations without Jacob, like a trip to Seattle in 2021. 

But 2022 turned out to be a year of all the places! Maybe it was the shrinking pandemic, maybe it was to make up for lost time, or maybe it just worked out that way. In 2022 I traveled to a number of locations, spent a few weekends away but still close by, reconnected with old friends, spent some amazing quality time with other friends, traveled to see family we hadn't seen in a year, enjoyed some short day trips and even took a trip across the Atlantic Ocean. But most importantly, I created memories. I spent time with people I love. I used my PTO. 

Actually, all of it. I used all of my PTO. And then some unpaid days. LOL But I don't regret it. (Well, my bank account might....) I'll never regret the memories I've made, the experiences I've had, the places I've seen. I know all too well that tomorrow is not promised and so I will jump at any opportunity I have to travel, to see someplace new, to experience something new or even something old, to spend time with my loved ones. 

And now, some pictures of just a few of the many memories I've made this year. 

Las Vegas, January 2022

Las Vegas, New Year's Eve

Met up with Vale in Las Vegas after way too many years of not seeing each other! 

Universal Studios Orlando, Florida, February 2022

NASA, Cocoa Beach, FL, February 2022

Jacob & Papa in Florida on 2/22/22 at 2:22pm 

Mall of America to see 'The Bad Guys' movie, April 2022 

Twin Cities Weekend with the Cousins, April 2022 

Twin Cities Weekend Getaway to celebrate 6 months, May 2022

Zaruba Family Farm to celebrate Jacob's Birthday, June 2022

High School Girls Weekend, Spicer, MN, July 2022

When Girls Weekend becomes Family Weekend, Spicer, MN, July 2022

Girls Weekend in Sioux Falls, SD, July 2022

Fully Focused on Mental Health 5K with the Cousins, Iowa, August 2022

Reedstrom Family Vacation, Rhode Island, August 2022

Rhode Island, August 2022

Minnesota State Fair, August 2022

Galway, Ireland, October 2022

Cloghan Castle, Ireland for Brandon's Sister's Wedding, October 2022

Living my best life. 

With Brandon's Family in Galway, Ireland, October 2022

Some of my favorite people at Wartburg Homecoming, Waverly, Iowa, October 2022

Christmas with Wartburg Concert, Des Moines, Iowa, December 2022

So I'll end this post with a not-so-gentle nudge to you all. Tomorrow is not promised. Take the trip. Make the memories. Spend time with those you love. Experience something new or even something old. Use your PTO. 

Me, already planning vacations for 2023... and beyond. 

Be Orange!

IYKYK.

I spent this last weekend back at Warburg College for Homecoming/Family Weekend. Every year I say I want to go back for Homecoming but since I've moved out of the Cedar Valley, it hasn't happened. 

But luck on was on my side this year! My BFF (and college roomie) won the title of Ultimate Knight (her name was drawn on the UKnight Day of giving) and she got a free hotel room and free registration to the event. I immediately invited myself along on her trip. :) 

So we both made it back to Wartburg after far too many years away. Even better, another dear friend was temporarily back in town and able to spend a majority of the weekend with us. Plus I got to see another good friend on Saturday morning for a while. 

(Side note: I'm really hoping that I'll get to see even more amazing people next year because we'll be celebrating our 15 year reunion!!!) 

Being back at Wartburg was... magical. That place holds so many memories. It is the place where I learned, not only academically, but learned about the world, about others, about myself. It's a place where I started to grow into the person I am today. It's a place where I met people who would impact the course of my life. It's the place that gave me experiences I never imagined possible. It is a place that challenged me and pushed me. It is a place that comforted me and made me feel safe. 

As we sat at the bar on Saturday night, someone placed Lady Gaga's 'You and I' song. And I couldn't help but think, there really was "something about this place." 

We were walking around the Ren Faire and a business owner who had a table set up asked if we were alumni and if we were from the area. When we said that we were alumni from out of town he asked us, "What is it about Wartburg that bring so many of their alumni back year after year?" And I thought, it's just... home. Even when I first stepped onto Wartburg's campus as a senior in High School, I felt at home. 

It's a place where everyone is family. Where you can excitedly say hi when you see a familiar face even if you can't place their name. Where you can sit down with people you knew from your time in college, even if you didn't spend much time together then and spend hours chatting away in the Den. It's a place where you make forever-favorite friends with the most amazing people.  

And so the weekend was magically awesome. It was soul-filling in a way I didn't know I needed. It was reconnecting with people I should have never let drift away. It was being able to have these deep conversations and asking the types of questions that require reflecting. It was laughing loudly and creating new memories. 

But the weekend was not without some bittersweet feelings and memories as well. Because it was at Wartburg that I met AJ. It was at Wartburg I fell in love, got engaged and got married. For many years when I thought about Wartburg or talked about Wartburg, it involved AJ. Everything that I went through with AJ has changed me into the person I am today - for better or worse. And all that started with Wartburg. Those feelings are some of the most complicated and poignant ones. Because I can't regret what happened. Because I am thankful for so much.

All of that - the memories (the good and the bad), the people I've met, the reasons I am who I am today, my journey up until this point, the jobs I've held that have led me to my current role - so much of that started at Wartburg. It is forever a piece of me. 

And so, in deciding to "recreate" some of our college days and partake in a favorite Outfly tradition, two of my BFFs and I decided to get coordinating tattoos. Because once you go to Wartburg, you will always Be Orange. 

The Timeline of Grief

 I wrote the post below on March 27th, AJ's birthday. Actually I wrote in my journal. But it was one of those entries that I thought about sharing on here. And then I just didn't. But I went back and reread it again recently. And once again, I considered if this was one of those entries I should share. And now it's after 11pm on a Tuesday night and I just got off a phone call with some amazing friends.

And during our conversation, we talked about grief. We talked about the importance of grief. The importance of recognizing and owning your own grief. We talked about how grief has no timeline and no rules but your own. And we talked about how our society's view of grief is just generally f-ed up. And once again, my thoughts were back to this journal entry.

And so I'm going to share it with you now. Because maybe it's something that you need to hear too. Maybe it's something you need to work through some of your own feelings. And if not, writing it down was something that I needed. 

March 27, 2022

Generally when/if I don't journal for a while, it means life is good - no big events, no big struggles, no big emotions. And that's been the case. Things have been good. Really good. 

Brandon and I enjoyed a trip to Las Vegas over the New Year and then another trip to Florida in February with Jacob. 

I was happy. I was good. So much so in fact that I had a therapy appointment in January and after discussing my general happiness with my current life, my therapist asked me "Have you thought about how you're going to prepare for February this year?" 

I kid you not, I had to pause and think - what happens in February?

February. This month that I had come to hate, to loath, to dread with every fiber of my being over the past four years. And yet this year, it had basically skipped my mind. What?! I hadn't even been thinking about February, that's how good of a place I was in. 

And you know what, I was feeling really good about that. I was feeling proud of myself. Over the past year I have put in a lot of hard work on myself. I spent some time examining my relationship with AJ, the end of that relationship and his death. I had some hard but necessary conversations with AJ's family. I had put in this extremely hard work and here was my reward. I didn't have to fear the dread of February. It was amazing! 

Until it wasn't. 

Until I started feeling... guilty? Maybe? People would tell me they were thinking of me, knowing that February was a tough month for me. But I'd shrug and say, "I'm doing good actually!" It made me start wondering what kind of person did this make me? Is it okay for the grief to feel so absent in just four years? Was I a bad person for "moving on" that quickly? 

I started thinking back to a conversation I had with my mom. It was this conversation that really had me examining myself. She asked me, "Do you think you deserve to be happy?"

When she asked me this question, I immediately thought NO. Why should I get to be happy when the life that I thought I was going to have was taken from me? Why should I get to be happy when AJ is gone? That didn't seem fair. But really, I wasn't being fair to myself. 

I finally started to accept that. It was that realization that finally made me move to make things official with Brandon. I deserved to be happy. I wanted to be happen. And then I was! 

But now, I find myself questioning it all again. Not necessarily whether or not I deserve to be happy. But maybe if I deserve to be happy right now. 

I started to think that the absence of grief meant that I was losing that last connection to AJ. Like he was starting to disappear. And I'll admit, that scared me. How is it possible to keep someone you've lost close if you aren't grieving for them?

Today's is AJ's birthday. What should have been his 35th birthday. And honestly, I wasn't expecting to feel much emotion, I wasn't expecting to have any real sadness or grief because of the day. I thought I was losing that. 

Jacob and I spent the weekend in Iowa with AJ's family, eating his favorite foods and just enjoying our time together. We had such a fun time and I never get tired of watching Jacob play with his cousins. And I'm so grateful to still feel a part of this family; to be loved by them. 

When I woke up this morning and started getting ready for church, there was something... shadowing me, lurking close by. It felt foreign. Strange. I couldn't put my finger on what it was or why I was feeling it. 

And then I was reviewing my Facebook memories from this day. Two years ago on AJ's birthday, I posted a picture from a page in a book my mom had shared with me. I'll be honest, when she first shared this message with me, I didn't connect to it. I recognized it was a good message regarding grief, but it didn't really hit home for me. 

But when I read it this morning, it was like the lightbulb turned on in my head. 

Yes. This is what I had been doing. Clinging to my grief so I wouldn't lose my love of AJ. This is why I was keeping myself from being happen. In a way, clinging to the grief was easier. It was what I knew, what I expected. Letting it go meant navigating a new path forward. And what if the love I have for AJ doesn't stretch that far? 

It was also reading this passage today that made me realize it was grief that I was feeling today. Grief over AJ and the fact he had missed another birthday. Grief that AJ is gone and missing out on so much. Grief over the relationship Jacob and his dad will never have. Grief of missing the person AJ was before the mental health problems and addiction. Grief over this fear that I was forgetting who AJ was. 

And yet, at the exact same time, wrapped up in all that grief, was just a bit of relief as well. Relief that I was able to feel this grief so intensely again. Relief that my connection to AJ is still there. Relief that my love of AJ is still there. 

I hate that he is gone. I hate what was taken from him, from Jacob, from me. I hate that it's easier to remember the person AJ was towards the end of his life instead of the person I fell in love with and who he really was - this goofy, loving, kind, talented, caring, smiling, amazing man. 

And at the same time, I'm back to wondering how to live with this tether to my grief over AJ and being happy in my life, with my life now. Will it always be a struggle? Will it get easier in time?

I don't have the answers right now. But that's okay. 

Letting Go & Moving On?

"I think sometimes you might just need an annual reminder..." 

Well, I called that one. 

It's strange to think back to when I first posted this quote, back in 2017. Before AJ died. Divorce must have been a part of the conversation at that point. But I wonder what was my mindset at the time? What was I needing to let go of and move on? 

In 2018, it makes more sense why I shared the quote. AJ had died. Everything had changed. 

But reading that quote again today, on what could have been 12 years of marriage, and after I've been putting in the hard work of really figuring out how to let go and move on, it hits differently. 

I know that I've come leaps and bounds and I am incredibly proud of all the work I have done so far. But this moving on part? It is so incredibly painful. To truly let it all go and move on, move forward... that's hard. And scary. Especially when you don't know what moving on looks like. Or not knowing even what you might want it to look like. 

Maybe that's why I'm struggling. In college, I knew I wanted to graduate, I wanted to get married and start a family. It was a future that made sense and one I could pretty much imagine what it would look like (or so I thought). But then, it was gone. That future that I had imagined. It crashed and burned. And now I see nothing. Before I had the road mapped out essentially, knowing and understanding there would probably be detours. But now its like a whole separate trip and I have no map and no clear visibility on my drive. 

How do you move on when you don't know what to move on to? 

I've let go of a lot over the past year. As difficult as it was. And I can notice the difference in my life. I feel lighter. I feel happier. I feel this new Liz emerging. It's like I've let go of all the balloons that had tethered me to the past and my old dreams. But now I have no idea where to go to get new balloons. 

What do you hope and dream of when all you once hoped and dreamed of have disappeared? How do you create new hopes? New dreams?

I have all these things for Jacob. I have dreams and hopes for him and his future. I have a general route mapped out (and expecting detours) for him at least until he's 18. It's in those hopes and dreams for Jacob that I put my energy into, my focus. It seems easier. 

So how do I get back to me? 

I shared this image above on my 36th birthday, just days ago. See, it was on my 30th birthday that everything I had originally hoped and dreamed for started to fall apart. And on my 36th birthday, I finally admitted to some of the things I was still holding on to. That last balloon string. 

So where do I go from here? How do I take that next step forward when it feels like taking a step forward in complete darkness, not knowing what lies ahead? Do I search for the courage to just blindly step forward? Or do I stay still a little bit longer, searching for some sort of new map? 

Happy 8th Birthday Jacob!

Happy Birthday to my amazing, sweet, creative, silly and curious boy. Today you are 8! (How is this possible??)

I'm still in a bit of shock. You recently had your last day of 1st Grade. So of course, we took your traditional "Last Day of School" picture. Then I put that picture next to your picture from the very first day of 1st grade! 

Oh boy. 

I always expect you to seem more grown up after a year of school. But your picture this year? You just look so much more grown up, so much more matured in the face, so much older! 

And so of course, today you turn 8. You are growing much too quickly for my liking. But I also can't deny the pure joy I feel from watching you continue to grow. (Trust me, both things can be true.) 

You, Jacob, are truly, one of a kind. 

You are smart. You are witty. You are curious. You can remember the most random facts of things that interest you. You ask a lot of questions. When we're reading and you don't understand a word, you'll always ask what the word means. Your reading skills have continue to skyrocket and you can understand and comprehend what you are reading. Some of your favorite books right now are the Dog Man series, the Bad Guy series, the Dragon Masters series and the Chocolate Touch. You also enjoy reading the Sunday comics and reading my text messages on my phone over my shoulder. :) 

You still love to cuddle. Always wanting to sit right next to me or someone else when we watch TV or are reading books. You are such a lovable cuddle-bug! You like to give "Ultimate Hugs" (a big hug that lasts at least five second!). You still enjoy making us do group hugs in the morning before we all leave for the day or when we're done visiting family. 

You like playing games - UNO with the the Zaruba family on Houseparty, Hungry Hungry Hippos, Trouble, Sorry, Life (you like making up your own rules), Memory. You also like watching me play Sims and sometimes even playing yourself. You love to play Roblox and other games on the tablet. You still enjoy Skylanders on the Wii and DC Lego Super Villains and Lego Harry Potter on the Switch. You also like playing Among Us with Nana and her confirmation kids. You even like to play pretend Among Us (and now Pirate Battles) where you basically narrate how the game plays out. 

Your current obsession is Outer Space. You love all things space and galaxy and stars and planets. You know all the planets, you know their order. You know what each planet is like. You know about other universes and giant stars and I don't even know what else! But you do! You visited the planetarium with Nana and Meg earlier this year and kept answering the guide's questions, while adding in your own facts. We borrowed an inflatable set of the planets from the library and you spread them out across the kitchen, dining room and living room to show us how far apart the planets were from the sun. You have an app on the tablet where you can zoom into the smallest thing in our universe, all the way to the largest known universe. You talk about being a scientist when you're older and discovering new planets. You don't want to visit outer space, but want to do all your exploring behind a large telescope - a great big one you'll build that will see far far away. 

You are a practical joker - like your dad. You love playing jokes on people, like hiding somewhere to jump out and scare me. You even fooled Nana and Papa TWICE this past year on losing some loose teeth! You love to tell jokes. You are so funny, especially when you crack yourself up and can't stop laughing. And your laugh and giggle are the absolute best. They always make me smile and laugh along with you! Sometimes I can't get over just how witty you are! 

You also have some great acting talents. At Christmas, you played Ceasar in the church program and absolutely nailed the part! Best performance ever! You have amazing facial expressions and have great inflections in your voice. I can definitely see you as a theater kid once you get to high school and beyond - much like both your parents.  

You still tend to favor the bad guys over anything else, but your favorite current superhero is Aquaman. 

You enjoy numbers and math. You love numbers like infinity or google. You really do have some strong math skills for your age, even learning some basic multiplication. Your favorite subject in school this past year was STEM, which is not surprising to me at all. 

Your imagination still amazes me. It's so incredible to hear you use your imagination and many times you'll bring us along in your imagination. The stories that you come up with and tell are so good we should be writing them down! Sometimes when you're walking around, you're playing a movie through your imagination. You are such a joy to watch and so fun to listen to. Although you generally don't like it when we sit and watch and listen as you're walking around. :) 

I think one of my favorite things from the past year was watching you grow more social and making new friends at school. You really are growing up. 

I'm looking forward to the next year as we discover what the world looks like post-COVID and going on some big adventures with you. I can't wait to see how much you grow and learn over the next 365 days. 

You are my shining light, my little heat warmer, my giggling cuddle bug, my goofy kidder, my smart boy, my absolute favorite. I love you ultimate. Happy Birthday, Jacob! 

My Therapy Experience

For so long, it seemed that the topic of therapy was one of those hushed subjects. Yeah, it's happening, but we don't talk about it. We don't share our experience about it. Maybe people were ashamed to admit they were in therapy. 

I'm sure there is research out there on why this was, but I'm not really concerned about that. What I do want to focus on is that this point of view is turning. 

It's becoming more and more common, more mainstream, to talk about therapy. To share that you're in therapy, to share how therapy is helping you. To not be ashamed about the fact you're in therapy. To encourage others to seek therapy when necessary.

This has been my own personal experience as well. I have been in and out of therapy since I was a teen. I don't think it was anything I really talked about much, especially while in high school. But throughout school, after college, in my marriage, through a divorce and a sudden loss, raising a kid as a single mom, I have been in therapy. 

But here's what I've recently realized... 

A majority of the time I was in therapy, I was doing it wrong. I was in therapy because of some event or series of feelings I was struggling with. And when whatever that thing/feeling/event was done, I would stop therapy until the next time I felt I needed some extra help. And maybe saying that this was the wrong way to do therapy isn't fair, maybe it's what works for some people. But for me, I realized I wasn't reaching the full potential of benefits from on and off therapy. 

This on and off version of therapy was especially prevalent when I moved back to Minnesota and started therapy. In that instance, it was supposed to be couples therapy for AJ and I, to do together. To help work through the issues we were facing in our marriage. Very quickly however, it became a mostly solo therapy experience. AJ would still come to a few sessions, but it overall it was my therapy, not our couples therapy. 

There are many reasons we didn't follow through with the couples therapy and they're really not important here. However, I am glad I continued to seek therapy because while we had issues in our marriage, there were still plenty of things I could work on by myself - to help with our marriage and just on myself in general.

But here's the pattern I fell into: something would happen; I would schedule a therapy session immediately/soon after; I would attend a few weeks of therapy, mostly discussing whatever that event was that triggered the first appointment; I would stop going to therapy; something would happen; I would schedule a therapy session immediately/soon after; I would attend a few weeks of therapy..... You get the picture. 

I started joking with my therapist the first time she would see me again after a break in our sessions - "Well, you're never going to guess what happened now." 

But over the past year or so, I stuck with the therapy. I quit waiting for some bomb to drop and instead scheduled regular sessions with my therapist. And this truly has made all the difference in the world. 

I still have events that happen in life or instances where I get triggered, and I absolutely discuss those in therapy. But in between all of that, I have really and truly begun to work on myself, to learn how to be a better version of myself and live a more full life. And it has been the most rewarding experience. 

I have committed to putting in the hard work to examine myself, to process every single one of my feelings and to determine what it all means. Instead of just focusing on techniques in how to respond to trauma, I have focused on techniques to change me as a person and one better prepared to walk into those trauma-inducing situations. I have learned and discovered things about myself that I either forgotten or didn't know. I feel better about myself as a whole. I can recognize my various feelings and emotions on a different level. I can appreciate the fact that sometimes you gotta push through those really hard feelings to get to the other side. 

Now when I get done with a therapy session, I often feel accomplished. I've either had a great discussion about some sort of revelation or I walk away with the next item on my to-do list of personal things to work on. It's like I can look and see this future me. Someone who is happier, someone who is more free, someone who is prepared to handle whatever life throws at them, someone who loves the me I am. 

Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of work ahead. And a lot of that is probably a continuous journey. But it's not a journey I'm afraid to take. I only have this one life here on earth. I want to make sure that I'm doing everything I can to make this life a good one. 

Therapy gives me a place to do the work and the tools I need. And I'm grateful. 

The Month of February

 February is here. Never in my life, before 2018, did I hate a month. But I hate February. 

Stepping into this month, flipping the calendar over, starting the new month is something I dread. There is a physical, emotional and mental shift that takes place in me. And it's not some small change, it feels very large and heavy and black. Suddenly I'm carrying around this 50 pound weight of grief and it's like I've been switched on to an ultra-sensitive mode. Everything seems to be a trigger. 

I can't concentrate, I don't want to be around people, I can't focus on my work, I'm short with Jacob, I can't fall asleep at night and I want to sleep the day away. It feels like there's an iron ball in my chest, making it hard to take a deep breath. I feel like I'm perpetually hunched over with the weight of grief on my shoulders. And my mind is constantly running through thoughts while at the same time, being stuck on a static channel. I can feel the tears, right behind my eyes. 

This February will be three year since AJ left us. 

--- 

I wrote that top portion at the beginning of the month. I knew what was coming. I knew February 23 would arrive, whether I wanted it to or not. I spent all of February dreading that day.

And then it was here. After much debating about what to do for the day, I finally decided on some self-care. About mid-morning I found myself thinking "you know, maybe this day isn't so bad. Maybe I put too much weight on this day. Why should I let it have this power over me? Why don't I just change my mindset?" I could hear my therapist cheering me on in my head. :) 

And for most of the day, I was able to keep that mindset. I really started to think that maybe this day didn't have to be so bad. And if this day didn't have to be so bad, that meant the whole month of February doesn't need to be that bad. 

Until about 4pm. And it was like suddenly, I hit a wall of grief. I can't remember exactly what time it was three years ago, but I know it was late afternoon when I was told at my office there were some sheriff deputies waiting to talk to me. I know it was late afternoon when I was told that AJ had taken his own life. 

I was done with the day. I wanted to crawl into bed and let the rest of this awful day pass me by. And I am so grateful to my parents who one, not only made this possible by taking over Jacob duty but two, allowed me to do what I needed in this moment. 

I'm going to be real honest here and say that the month of February has been really shitty as a whole. I spent the month struggling. I was sad, I was depressed, I was angry. I struggled through what my therapist pointed out to me was probably a depressive episode. I struggled with the fact that AJ killed himself. I felt overwhelmed by stress at work because of the combination of the shear number of projects I had going and the fact that it took every ounce of energy I had to concentrate enough to do those projects. I ended up at urgent care one day because of a rash on my arm just to be told that I had shingles. And I had to make some hard personal decisions. 

It's been shit. I spent most of the month off social media because I already had so much anger and sadness inside of me that I couldn't handle to know what else was going on in the world. I couldn't handle the nonsense and ignorance. I had no energy to argue with people on Facebook about politics - me! (haha) 

Slowly I've started to reenter the world of social media. And that anger is only burning brighter. Maybe it's because I'm grieving and mourning the injustice of losing someone I love in such a horrific way that I feel so angry at all the other injustices our world is facing. I feel so angry that people seem incapable of choosing love over anything else. I feel so angry at the shear lack of empathy and care. I feel so angry at the ignorance and hate. I feel so angry at the stupid political and pointless posts from our elected leaders. I feel so angry that we have to fight so hard for what should be basic human rights. I feel so angry that the world is such a broken place. I feel so angry that we have the capabilities and power to make things better, but for whatever reasons, we aren't doing it. I just feel so angry at it all. 

And I feel torn about how to find a place in-between that keeps me angry enough to want to continue to fight for what I believe and to not let the anger drown me. 

I do know I need to spend some more time with God. I need to make the time sit in His presence and let the quiet in. Fortunately, Lent is a good time to start doing this. 

I realize this post took a completely direction from when it started. But this is where my thoughts have been lately. These are the things I'm struggling with. This is where my heart is.