Identity Crisis

I'm not sure 27 is old enough to have a mid-life crisis, so maybe I'm just having an identity crisis. I've had a lot of time to think lately, during feedings and nap times, while applying for jobs. And I'm struggling to figure out my place in this world. 

I've written about this before, it's not the first time I've had this struggle. I'm not sure what my passion in life is. With a degree in Communications, it allows me to do a wide variety of things when it comes to finding a job. And that's part of the reason why I majored in Communications. In fact, my fellow comm arts majors and I would joke that the only reason why we're majoring in communications is because we don't know what we want to do in life. But I guess there's some truth in that too. 

I don't know what I want to do in life. 

I haven't found my calling, my vocation - the thing that Wartburg was suppose to help you find. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Even when I get asked that question - if you could do anything in the world, your dream job, what would it be? - I don't know what to answer. 

I envy those who know what their calling and their passion in life is. My husband, for one. He's a talented, amazing, passionate music teacher. He knows that this is what he should be doing. He's great at his job, he has the passion, the energy, the drive. There's no doubt in his mind that this isn't what he should be doing with his life. Not that he doesn't have his bad days, or even weeks. Everyone does. My sister is another. She just started her first calling as a Pastor in Northern Minnesota. She knows that God has called her to that role. And for that type of job, you have to know that is was a calling from God. And when you see her in her element, you can see she's doing what she should be doing. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed my past jobs. At Kruger, I loved the variety and multiple aspects and projects of the job. I even loved working with farmers. :) But there was not really any room to move up at that job, unless I was willing to relocate to St. Louis and that was something I didn't want to do. And looking at the company now, the marketing department is no longer there. I would have either had to move to St. Louis or lost my job. And I have to say that looking back and remembering the struggle it was to leave that job and move to Western Iowa so Austin could start his first job, God's plan is amazing. 
At UNO, I loved the people I worked with. And I really enjoyed going out and talking to students about UNO and education, helping them make important decisions about their future. And now looking at that, it's a little ironic my job was to help others start working towards their plans for future careers when I didn't know what my future holds! But that job required a lot of travel and that wasn't something I wanted to do forever either. And moving up in higher education is hard without a Masters degree and even then, opportunities are someone limited unless you're willing to move to find them. 

So would I like to continue to work in higher education? Yes, possibly. But I'm not in a place where I want to go back to school right now. And in that case, I don't know what I would get a Masters degree in either. Would I like to find work in marketing or communications? Sure, but I haven't found that actual job or industry that I feel really passionate about. 

The other thing I struggle with is achievements. When I look around to my peers, people that I've graduated with or have even graduated after me, some of them are in great jobs that they're really passionate about. And some of them are in really great positions, i.e. managers, directors, etc. I look at myself and doubt my skills - would I be able to be in a position like that? I feel like I haven't had opportunities to prove (mostly to myself) if I could or not. Or maybe I haven't tried hard enough. Or maybe I'm really just not good enough. But I feel jealous of those people. Not only because they're doing something they love, but because they've been successful when I haven't. It makes me feel like a failure. 

Someone recently posted an article on Facebook titled "Five Lies every Twenty-something Needs to Stop Believing". And I'm not going to lie, I think it was posted for me. I needed to read it. I need to re-read it. Again and again. It made a lot of good points about struggling, success and feeling like a failure. And so it was a great reminder. I'm only 27. I have a lot of life ahead of me still. I can still do great things. But then I'm back to... what is it that I'm suppose to be doing in life to do those great things?

I've recently become a mother. And for the past 10 weeks, I've spent every day, and almost every hour, with my precious baby. And for the past 10 weeks, I have loved every day. There were certainly times when I was stressed out and overwhelmed with taking care of a baby, but I still loved it. I love being a mom. I love having someone little, who is so dependent on me, to take care of. I love watching him grow and change every day. I love interacting with him. I love teaching him. I love loving him. 

I think that I would love to be a stay at home mom. I would love to stay at home everyday with my baby boy. Being able to spend that precious time with him day in and day out. Help him grow. Teach him how to walk, how to talk. To see every moment happen. That's what I think I would love. But unfortunately, it's just not realistic. We need two incomes. If only I could get paid to be a mom. Let's be real, I'd be a millionaire because I'm such an awesome mom. ;-) 

So I've had a couple interviews. Some with jobs I think I would really enjoying doing and others for jobs that I could most certainly do, but might not fully enjoy. I haven't gotten any job offers yet though and every time I get a phone call or email saying "no thanks" or "we've gone a different direction", I get that feeling of failure again. And I know God has a plan, I do. If I had gotten any of the jobs I had earlier interviews for, I would already be back to work. Instead I've gotten to spend more time with my little man. And so I'm confident that something is going to come along. And I'm confident that it will be what I'm suppose to be doing right now. But will it be my calling? My passion? I'm not entirely sure. Maybe time will tell. 

But I'm definitely learning how to be patient. Job searching tests my patience every day. Putting in applications and then waiting. Getting an interview and then waiting. Always waiting. And I'm not a very patient person. So each day I remind myself - patience, Liz, patience. God has a plan. God will provide. It can get very overwhelming, especially as my maternity leave is coming to an end. So again, I say to myself - it will all work out. God knows what He's doing. Even when he doesn't tell me! :) 

And so here I am. Waiting to find a job. Waiting for my calling. Waiting to find my place in this world. Waiting. 

But while I wait, I'll go spend some more time with that cute baby of mine.