Longing

Today I have a longing in my heart. I have wants that are pulling at my heart-strings. Life is anything but predictable. I've learned that the hard way. But today, that is what I want. I want predictability. I want a plan that I know is going to work the way I want it to. I want reassurance.

As I look at those few sentences I've just written, I see the words "I" and "want" a lot. Two words that God probably laughs at. Because what I want and what God has planned, are not always the same. I've also learned that the hard way.

The past five years have taught me so much, allowed me to grow, beaten me down and raised me higher than I could have ever imagined. It's been a lot in such a relatively short amount of time. But looking back, would I have done anything different? Would I have asked for different outcomes? I don't think so. There are certainly times that I don't wish to ever have to repeat, but I know that I've grown from those times. Learned from those times. But looking forward on my life, I want more.

Don't get me wrong, there is a lot about my life that I absolutely love. My son. My husband. My family. My friends.

Maybe I'm being selfish for wanting more. But I do. I want more. I want a house to call ours. I want a community that we feel welcomed and accepted in. I want a community where we have friends to visit with and events to go to. I want a group of people to have a card club with. I want to be a stay at home mom, even though I don't think it will ever be possible financially. And if I can't do that, I want a career. Not just a job. I want a career that I love. That I'm passionate about. I want to figure out what that is. I want to feel like I've accomplished something. Whatever it is.

I want to not have to worry about things. Even if it's just for a while. I want to live care-free. I want to live debt free from our student loans and medical bills. I want to have a time in my life where things are great for an extended period of time. I want a time that is "bump free". I want to know what the future holds. Not my whole future, just the foreseeable future.

I also want to be the best mom I can be for my son. I want to be able to give him all that he needs. I want to be able to provide for his future. I want to be the best wife I can be to my husband. I want to be able to support him in all that he does. I want to be the person that both my boys need more than anyone.

I want to have all the answers. I want things to fall into place. I want to know.


So that's it. That's all I want. That's not too much, is it? Is what I want what God wants for me? I don't know. I pray for answers. I pray for what I want. And I pray for God to show me His plans. His wants. And that's what I'm waiting for.