Who Am I?

I am 31, almost 32 years old. It's a weird age to be at. I wouldn't call myself old because that's probably insulting to everyone older than me and honestly, I don't feel (too) old. But I don't feel comfortable calling myself young. Young is having much less responsibilities in life. Young is your 20's. And yes, I realize I'm still very close to my 20's but a shift happens at 30. I wouldn't even call myself middle-aged because that makes me feel like my life is already half over and gosh I hope that's not true! 

I am (still fairly recently) divorced. This is also weird. Especially if you're the first or one of the first of your friends to get divorced. There's sometimes an awkwardness in conversations when everyone is talking about their SO. There's a huge learning curve on how to co-exist and co-parent with your ex. There's just sometimes a feeling of being a little outside the circle. This is something you of course never planned, never imagined happening to you and yet here you are. You're left mourning the life that you had planned. Mourning what no longer is. Sometimes terrified about what happens next. 

I am a mother. A single mother to a terrific little boy. I am blessed to be his mom. And while most of your friends have more than one kid and some are still having kids, there can be a feeling of... "missing out" when you look at your own small family of two. You wouldn't trade your little ball of energy for anything but you mourn the idea of him not having siblings right now. Even if, to be completely honest with yourself, you have no idea how you would handle more than one on your own anyway. 

I am also considered a "mother of a little one". Do you know the type? Is there a catchier term we could use? It's the type of mom that doesn't get to connect with her friends nearly enough. Your friendships get placed on the back-burner as all your attention goes into your kid(s). Phone calls get cut short because someone fell off the couch you told them not to be jumping on. Text messages go unanswered because someone was busy watching those silly YouTube videos - of other kids playing with toys - on your phone. You long for those mom dates and a chance to have a conversation with another adult but they happen not nearly enough. 

I am living in my parents' basement. That one's a little harder to say. Who wants to admit that at 31 years old? But I am. And it is financially impossible for me not to live with them. Looking around at everyone else your age (or younger), they have homes to call their own. But for you, it's only ever been a seemingly unreachable dream. You have to wonder what you're doing wrong. Why are you not financially more stable? Is it the divorce and supporting your family on one income? It is past spending mistakes you made when you were younger? Is it because you haven't pushed yourself more professionally even though you're working at a job you love and making a difference, but just doesn't pay great? Or is the economy? The student loan bills? The high costs of rent? Maybe all of the above. 

I am - thankfully - employed. I am working a job that I love. I am working with an amazing team. And we are working to make a difference in our community. But then you find yourself questioning it. How and where can I grow professionally from here? Wouldn't it be nice to have a job with more financial stability and benefits? Is this really what I'm meant to be doing with my life? What is it that I want to do with my life? What's next or is this it? Those are the questions that keep me up at night. 

I am dating. Kind of. Very casually. This is something I honestly never thought I'd be doing again but has also been surprisingly refreshing. Refreshing in the sense that for a couple of hours during some weeks, I can hang out with someone who doesn't know my entire backstory. Who doesn't know all the drama. Who I can just sit with and enjoy the company, talking about stupid things or unimportant things or just getting to know each other on a fairly basic level. It's definitely not easy dating as a single mom and obviously not my biggest priority right now. But for the time, I think I'll keep trying. 

I am obviously a lot more that just what is written above. And I could probably write a book about all the other things I am... sister, daughter, Christian, overwhelmed, liberal, exhausted, reader, friend, blessed... the list goes on.

But it is those seven statements from above that I've been thinking about the most lately. These are the statements, when putting them all together, I struggle with my identity. With asking myself who am I? Where is my place in this world? Where do I fit in? I feel alone in my unique position. Maybe I'm looking for others in my position. Maybe I just need to let it go. 

What are your biggest "I am..." statements right now? Where is your place in the world? If you're a not-old-or-young-or-middle-aged recent divorcee, single mom of a little one, dating, employed but maybe searching for more, and living in your parents' basement, let me know. I'd love to share some stories.