It seems I've been having more of those really tough struggle days lately. I wish I knew why these are happening. But do we ever really know?
I hate "playing this card", but being a single mom is hard. I hate playing that card because I still question whether I can call myself a single mom when I live with my parents. But for the most part, taking care of Jacob falls solely on my shoulders.
Jacob has taken on some very difficult personality traits lately. Luckily, this is not 24/7 but it's enough to be draining. He will openly ignore me when I'm asking him not to do something naughty. He has been demanding of the things he wants rather than asking nicely for them as he was taught. And then he gets super upset when he doesn't get what he wants. He's been refusing to get dressed or pick up his toys, claiming he can't do it when he's perfectly capable.
And I get it. He's four. He's so little and is dealing with big emotions. I understand that, I do. But as a single parent, you take 100% of the blunt force of these emotions. And I can't quite explain how emotionally draining that is for you, as the parent.
But what's really been a struggle... bedtime. Jacob has become very persistent about wanting to "sleep with mommy in the tall bed". (aka, Mommy's bed) And I mean super persistent. He'll cry and scream and throw a fit. He won't stay in his own bed, continuing to make the trip to my room over and over. Climbing into my bed. I'll put him in the crib (yes, I still have the crib set up - no he hasn't tried climbing out of it), but then the bloody murder screams will start. Some nights I try to out last him. But the kid is stubborn. And he normally wins. One, I hate the fact that his screams keep my parents up (their bedroom right above his) and two, with school starting school, I know that trying to get him to go to bed earlier rather than later is pretty important.
And then the knife twist happens... through all of this, all the screaming, the tears, are the words he'll say to me.
"I want to cuddle with mommy because I love you. I love cuddling with mommy. I love you mommy. Cuddling with you is fun. Please, mommy. I want to cuddle."He knows how to pull at the heartstrings. And this is where I struggle. This is where I go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth again.
He's only little once. There will come a day where he'll want nothing to do with me, much less want to cuddle in my bed. Soon he will be too big for all of that. Soon he'll think he won't need me anymore. Soon it might not be so easy to get the words "I love you" out of him.
And so after a full day of maneuvering big emotions from a little person, being asked a thousand questions, each a hundred times, being climbed on by someone who doesn't understand personal space and always needing to be present and paying attention to this little person, I am tired.
I am in desperate need of some 'me time'. I just want to catch up on social media. I want to read my book. I want to watch an adult-only show. I want to spend some time in the quiet, reflecting. I want to lay on the bed with no one kicking me or pushing me. I want to eat some ice cream without sharing.
But often, I lose this fight. I hear his words and they cut deep. I hear his desperate want to be near me. Sometimes I feel like I can hear some fear in his cries.
Because this is where else we're struggling. We're struggling with finding a consistent routine for Jacob to see his dad. Between end of summer vacations and crazy work schedules, those visits have been less than normal. And its when that happens, when it's been longer than "normal" since he's seen his dad, I can see a change a home.
Jacob acts like he has to constantly be in my sight. He always wants me paying attention. If I wander downstairs, I'll hear him yelling for me "Mommy where did you go?" If Nana picks him up from daycare and I'm not home when they get home, "Where is my mommy?" Even in the morning when I get out of bed to shower, "where are you going mommy?" It's enduring, but exhausting. I guess I can't tell you 100% that these reactions are a result of him seeing less of his dad, but it certainly feels that way.
Also, I have to say here, I'm not placing blame on anyone. We're still trying to figure out this whole co-parenting thing. I'm also not looking for advice. Yes, I should stop this habit before it gets out of control. Yes, I should just cuddle him while he's still little. I'll figure it out. Or I won't, and we'll just move on to the next thing. Sometimes I just need to write out my thoughts and feelings to help me process them. To make sense of them. Maybe this last paragraph should be my disclaimer on all blog posts. Haha!
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