40 & Fabulous

I have been weirdly excited to turn 40 years old. It isn't something I've been dreading or worrying about. I was recently reading old blog posts and came across this one from when I turned 35. Apparently entering my 30's was kind of a big deal. Although I came to terms with it when it finally arrived; at least according to this blog post! 

Now I have the ability to look back on the past 10 years to see how my 30's actually went. And if I'm going to be honest, the start of my 30's sucked. It was on my 30th birthday that I told AJ he couldn't return to the house. He had left that day after we fought about his addiction. That was the first step that eventually led to our divorce. For all my hopes of a new decade, day one was pretty shitty. 

Over the next 10 years, there was a lot. AJ and I got divorced, learned how to co-parent, we struggled to define what "we" were. AJ continued to struggle with his addiction and mental health and ultimately ended his life. I had to learn how to survive a devastating loss while also learning what it looked like to be a solo parent. I had family members that dealt with a number of different health issues and lost more people I loved. 

Of course, there was so much good and joy in those 10 years as well. I switched jobs, worked part-time jobs, and paid off some debts. I started dating. I made a commitment to therapy. I spent a lot of time working on me. I traveled whenever I could and made memories often - with old friends and new ones. I have watched Jacob grow up into this amazing kid who I feel so lucky I get to call my own. 

When I look back on the last decade, it was messy, chaotic, and devastating. It was full of tears and heartbreak. But it was also full of growth, change and love. It was a lot. After reflecting on this, one thing I decided was that I want my 40's to be different. I want to welcome my 40's with open arms and in a way I want. Maybe I can manifest how the next 10+ years will go by how I start the decade out. 

And so I decided I wanted to welcome my 40th birthday in peace. In quiet. And by myself. 

I have spent a lot of time over the last 10 years working on myself. Learning how to live through these things that have happened, learning to accept and love the person that I've become, learning what I need to do to take care of myself, learning what brings me joy. 

Just this last week in therapy, I was able to identify something important about myself. So much of my life has been defined by this strong impulse to help other people; to ease their burdens, to fix their problems. Especially the people that I love. I will gladly take on more myself if it will help make something easier for someone else. I will add more to my plate, I will take on the hurt and pain, I will put myself last every time if it means I can help someone else. 

In these situations, I can now see how much that was hurting me and even hurting some of those I love around me. I can see now that by always putting myself last, I hit a point where I could no longer help myself, much less help anyone else. 

So a big part of working on myself has been working to put myself first, to take care of myself, to do things that bring me joy. Just to be clear, this is still very much a work in progress. But I have been much better! I'm doing better at saying no, taking time for myself, doing the things that bring me joy. And if you remember from my first post of 2025, that is exactly what I wanted to focus on for this year. The year of 40. 

So let's take a look over the past 10 and a half months and see what I've done. 

I traveled. Jacob and I took our annual February trip, doing a week long cruise this time. I took a siblings trip to Connecticut and New York City, combining my love of Gilmore Girls, Friends and broadway shows. Jacob and I got to enjoy a week in Myrtle Beach with the Zaruba family, which is always a great time no matter where we go! 

Speaking of broadway shows, I bought myself season tickets to the 2025-2026 Broadway Season at the Orpheum. And the Ordway. And at the Des Moines Performing Arts Center. 😁 Did I maybe go a little overboard? Eh, ask me after the season is done. I've also crossed off a few other shows off my list. Every time I go to a show I am reminded of how much I love going to shows. 

Shows I've seen this year so far: Dear Evan Hansen, Book of Mormon, Pirates! The Penzance Musical, Friends! The Musical Parody, Cabaret, Kimberly Akimbo, Oklahoma, The Addams Family and The Jersey Boys. Oh! I can't forget Spend Awhile on the Nile, which featured Jacob as Pharaoh! 

I treated myself to a few massages, hair cuts and even getting my nails done. I started a weight loss journey towards the end of last year, cutting out pop and trying to eat healthier. I treated myself with new clothes when my old ones no longer fit. 

Jacob and I had a mini-photo shoot and got updated pictures of the two of us. And I am in love with these pictures! I convinced The Zaruba family to let me take family pictures while we were on vacation. And even though it's now October and I still haven't edited any, I know I'm going to love those pictures as well! I also did my own little fun photo shoot but that one was just for me. But these pictures, I love looking at when I need a confidence boost or just want to feel amazing. 

I paid off my car and am working on becoming truly debt-free once again. I completely updated the downstairs of the house and am in love with how it looks. I'm working on going through old clothes, toys and other things that we no longer need or use and either selling them or donating them. 

I chose to do things that bring me joy like visiting the State Fair, taking Jacob to new movies he's wanted to see, going to a couple of Wartburg Choir concerts, participating in a couple of protests, attending a women's retreat through church, going to a concert of one of my favorite bands, driving two hours for a pumpkin trail and light display, and spending time with friends whenever I can. 

I also treated myself to a new pink diamond ring that I wear on my right hand as a daily reminder to love and take care of myself. 

So far, the year of turning 40 has been filled with fun, joy, laughter and love. 

And right now, I am fulfilling my wish to welcome 40 my way with a solo trip to the North Shore. I booked a room facing Lake Superior with a whirlpool tub and a fireplace. I woke up early this morning and drove to Iona's Beach (with pink rocks!!) to watch the sunrise with a cup of hot chocolate. I explored Gooseberry Falls, Pebble Beach and Palisade's Head all before coming back to take a nap while it rained outside. The perfect kind of nap weather. I did some reading by the fireplace. I enjoyed an incredible 90 minute hot stone massage that was so relaxing and just wonderful. I'm ending the day with a dinner reservation at Charlie's Alpine Bistro and some pasta. Before I go to bed I'll either finish my book or rewatch some Game of Thrones episodes. Or maybe both. 

It was a perfect, peaceful, quiet solitude day. 

I spent time reflecting on what I want the next decade to look like. And I think for the most part, it's pretty simple. I want to love my life. 

I want to love who I am as a person, embracing all my flaws and mistakes. I want to celebrate my highs and learn from my lows. I want to do things that bring me joy - no matter how big or small. I want to be the best mother I can to Jacob and help him navigate his teen years. I want to take him on adventures and make memories that we'll never forget. 

I want to be a mentor to others, a person who people come to for advice. I want to be loyal and someone always available to listen. I want to be dependable and someone always willing to help or step in. But also a person who knows my limits, my capacity, and my boundaries and can say no when it's necessary. 

I've seen videos where people talk about being in their "fuck it 40s" era. And I resonate with this so much. I no longer care what other people think about me. I'm working on no longer caring if people don't like my response to something because I know it's the right thing for me. I will take all the pictures, all the silly selfies. I will sing loudly at the concerts or in my car. I am going to do what I want because I can. 

So cheers to the next decade. A decade of joy, love, peace, happiness, and laughter. A decade of being intentional about my choices. A decade of choosing me. A decade of loving others. I'm so looking forward to the journey.