It's Liver Week

It's finally here. November 20th is just two days away. Tonight, we head to Rochester. Tomorrow we have some tests and visits. Thursday is liver day. 

When we first scheduled the surgery, it seemed a long way away. Plenty of time to get things organized and ready. Sometimes I worried it was too far in the future and that something would happen between then and now that would cancel the surgery. It also allowed plenty of time to just want it to be here sooner so we can move on to the next stage in this journey.

But now it's arrived. We've prepared and organized as much as we can. Some things will just have to wait until we know how the surgeries go and how the recoveries are looking. I've managed to cross off all the big items on my to-do list at work, as well as other things I wanted to get done before now. I feel good about how I'm leaving things. 

But I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Every day, those nerves hit a little bit more. Brandon and I were talking about it yesterday and he was asking what I was nervous about. I told him I was nervous about having a big surgery. I was nervous about having Jacob stay back home with his Nana, even though I know it's the right decision. I'm nervous for how long of day Thursday is going to be for everyone waiting on news from the surgeries. 

Brandon looked at me and said, "you're nervous because you don't have control." And I thought yup. That was totally it. Ever since AJ died, I have this need to want to control as much as I can around me. If I can control what's happening around me, to Jacob, to those I love, than I can't be knocked off my feet by something unexpected, like when AJ died. I know it's completely irrational. I know that I have very little control over most of the things happening around me. But there is still a part of me that tries very hard to at least make myself believe that I do. 

In this situation? Everything is outside of my control. I mean yes, me deciding to do the surgery is within my control. But that's an area in "my control" for me to help my dad. 

I am not regretting my choice and I am still very committed to having this surgery. But I'm working extra hard on whole "let go and let God" thing here. 

Luckily, we have all of you. So many people who are thinking about us, praying for us, supporting us. It truly is amazing. 

And because we have so many people who are in this journey with us, my sister has been kind enough to set up a CaringBridge page. She will be updating this throughout our journey so that everyone who wants to can follow along. 

CaringBridge Page

Thank you again for all of your love, prayers and support. 

I plan on writing more after surgery and sharing about my experience in recovery. Until then, make sure you follow that CaringBridge page. 

10 days and counting

People have been asking me if I was feeling nervous for the surgery. And for awhile, I could honestly say that no, I wasn't really nervous for the surgery itself, at least, not yet. I was more nervous for the 19th, the day before surgery. Both my dad and I have to get some lab work done and I have this fear that something will have changed while we've been waiting and that surgery will have to be canceled. 

I still have that fear, but now with surgery so close, I am starting to feel nervous for the surgery as well. It's strange though, I was talking to my therapist about it and I think sometimes in my mind, I equate this upcoming surgery with my c-section surgery I had with Jacob. I had a lifting restriction then, I'll have a lifting restriction now. After the c-section, I felt great, it was a very smooth recovery and I was definitely lifting more than I should have been sooner than I should have been. So in my mind, a part of me thinks that it will be the same this time. And who knows, maybe it will. But it's also a much different surgery. A much different incision, in a different location. 

I'm worried about waking up only to be told that something went wrong, with either me or my dad and it wasn't successful. I'm nervous for my dad and his surgery and his recovery which will be much more intense than my own. I'm worried for my mom, my sister, my brother in their caretaker roles. I worry for Brandon who has also agreed to help take care of me and how he's going to survive the number of Holiday Baking Championship episodes I'm going to make him watch. 

We're 10 days away. This week is my last full week of work. I watched a video this morning from Mayo on how to help prepare myself to make my surgery and recovery go more smoothly. It's all feeling very suddenly real. 

Not that it never was not real, but you know what I mean. The closer something like this gets, the more it consumes your every thought. At night, laying in bed, my mind races with my to-do lists, trying to figure out what I still need to get done. I want to try and plan ahead for how things are going to work for after surgery, but a lot of that is going to depend on how both surgeries go and what our recoveries are looking like. 

One thing I do know is that we are incredibly blessed. As a family, we have received so many prayers, good thoughts, well wishes, "let me know how I can help" from the people in our lives. Family, friends, church family members. We are so blessed to have so many people in our lives who care and love us so much. And we hope you know just how grateful we are to each of you. 

We are also extremely grateful because (mostly thanks to my mom LOL), we have about 6 different church congregations praying for us. God's definitely got our back. :) 

So yes, while the anxiety and nerves are definitely here, there is also some peace in knowing that we will have people who love us around us the entire time. While there is some anxiety about not getting everything done on my to-do lists, I am working on coming to terms with the fact that it will be figured out without me. While there are nerves and anxiety about the recovery, I can only listen to the advice of the doctors and actually do whatever it is they're telling me. 

If you're looking for a way to help, please send us your prayers. Send us your good thoughts about being mindful of peace and calm, your well wishes for a smooth recovery. That is really what we need most right now. 

Thank you. 

The Decision

 What do you do when you have to make a life changing decision? What's the thought process you take? What are the things you consider? The risks, the outcomes, the benefits. You probably never think about this until you're in the situation where you have to think about this. Then it's pretty much all you can think about. 

Back when my dad was first put on the transplant list and was approved for a living donor, there was a small voice in the back of my head telling me: "it's going to me, I'm going to be the donor". Obviously I had no idea if this was even a possibility yet, but it didn't stop that small voice. 

Going through the entire process of filling out applications, getting testing, I was very intentional about staying in the moment I was in. I did not want to get ahead of myself and start thinking, planning, worrying about what could or could not happen if or if not I was a donor. I've put in enough work in therapy to know that wasn't going to do anyone any good. And luckily, for the most part, I was able to stay in the moment. Take things one step at a time. 

After my appointments in Rochester, when they were still waiting on one test, but I was told I was a good candidate, I finally let myself start to think "I could actually do this." When the official call came in that I was a match, I knew I had to take the time to really think about everything. Think about what it would mean to put myself through a major surgery as a single mom. What it would mean to recover from a major surgery, what it would look like to take a month off a work, to be prepared for possible complications during or after the surgery. What it would look like to be dependent on caretakers after the surgery and needing to rely on other people to help with Jacob. What it would mean for Jacob - how would he feel about me doing this? 

And while yes, that list is long and those are no small things to be taken lightly, at the end of the day, this would be for my dad. 

I have always thought that out of my siblings, I am most like my dad. My mom will often comment on how similar I am to my dad, even if she's sometimes doing it while grumbling about some silly thing like stubbornness or something... 😅 Dad and I have the same temperament, we tend to deal with things in similar ways. We both spent our younger years drinking more than we should have. LOL 

I have this memory from when I was 14 I think. I was working at Pioneer, detasseling corn for the summer. I couldn't drive yet so I had to be dropped off and picked up every day. One day, we got rained out. Dad had been working at the farm and since he got rained out as well, he came and got me. I remember we both had to take off our muddy boots and clothes in the laundry room before we could go any farther into the house. And I distinctly remember thinking "I am just like my dad." and how proud I was to be just like him in that moment. 

My dad is the type that gets along with everyone, always making friends. Whenever I had friends over growing up, he was always comfortable chatting with them and asking how things were. He was the cool dad. 😀 Dad likes to show his love by feeding people. Whenever we have guests, he will go all out on making the meal a good one. I can still remember the very first time my parents met AJ. Dad made us breakfast and he kept giving AJ more food and AJ, wanting to make a good impression, kept eating it! On and on it went. I have no idea how AJ was able to eat so much that day. 

Growing up, my parents have never said no when I've needed them. Dad wouldn't hesitate to drive hours to mine or Meg's place if we needed help with something around one of our apartments. He has always been there and always willing. Whether it was money to help with an unexpected bill or coming to help change a flat tire. When we were little, it was letting us watch The Simpsons on the nights Mom wasn't home for supper. haha 

After AJ died, both of my parents stepped in to help me raise Jacob. My dad has played a very active role in Jacob's life as a positive and consistent male role model. I am so extremely grateful for this because I know this has helped shaped Jacob into the incredible kid he is today.  

During the sermon today, my pastor said the following: "The world is made up of ordinary people doing ordinary things with great love." And I can't think of a better way of describing my dad. 

In the 40 years I've been alive, my dad has given me so much. Has done so much for me. And I can never repay him for that. And I know that he doesn't expect any repayment. That's just what parents do. I get that now, as a parent myself. But right now, I do have this opportunity to give my dad something he needs. After everything he's done for me, this is something I want to do for him. Because he's still got a lot of life left in him. Both Jacob and I aren't done learning from him yet.  

So going back to that little voice in my head, maybe this was always meant to be. It was always going to be me. We have joked that there's no worry about Dad starting to act like his donor because we're already so much alike. 😊

I am honored to be my dad's donor. I am grateful he has accepted this gift. And I am praying that we all stay healthy enough for the surgery to happen, that both surgeries go well, that both recoveries go smoothly and Dad can get back to full energy. 

We welcome your prayers as well. Thank you.