It's Liver Week

It's finally here. November 20th is just two days away. Tonight, we head to Rochester. Tomorrow we have some tests and visits. Thursday is liver day. 

When we first scheduled the surgery, it seemed a long way away. Plenty of time to get things organized and ready. Sometimes I worried it was too far in the future and that something would happen between then and now that would cancel the surgery. It also allowed plenty of time to just want it to be here sooner so we can move on to the next stage in this journey.

But now it's arrived. We've prepared and organized as much as we can. Some things will just have to wait until we know how the surgeries go and how the recoveries are looking. I've managed to cross off all the big items on my to-do list at work, as well as other things I wanted to get done before now. I feel good about how I'm leaving things. 

But I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Every day, those nerves hit a little bit more. Brandon and I were talking about it yesterday and he was asking what I was nervous about. I told him I was nervous about having a big surgery. I was nervous about having Jacob stay back home with his Nana, even though I know it's the right decision. I'm nervous for how long of day Thursday is going to be for everyone waiting on news from the surgeries. 

Brandon looked at me and said, "you're nervous because you don't have control." And I thought yup. That was totally it. Ever since AJ died, I have this need to want to control as much as I can around me. If I can control what's happening around me, to Jacob, to those I love, than I can't be knocked off my feet by something unexpected, like when AJ died. I know it's completely irrational. I know that I have very little control over most of the things happening around me. But there is still a part of me that tries very hard to at least make myself believe that I do. 

In this situation? Everything is outside of my control. I mean yes, me deciding to do the surgery is within my control. But that's an area in "my control" for me to help my dad. 

I am not regretting my choice and I am still very committed to having this surgery. But I'm working extra hard on whole "let go and let God" thing here. 

Luckily, we have all of you. So many people who are thinking about us, praying for us, supporting us. It truly is amazing. 

And because we have so many people who are in this journey with us, my sister has been kind enough to set up a CaringBridge page. She will be updating this throughout our journey so that everyone who wants to can follow along. 

CaringBridge Page

Thank you again for all of your love, prayers and support. 

I plan on writing more after surgery and sharing about my experience in recovery. Until then, make sure you follow that CaringBridge page.