Waiting

May 7th, 2010

This week has been very stressful for me. Not in that "so much going on I can't stand it" kind of way, but in that "nothing's happening and it's making me anxious" kind of way.

I keep exploring options for places for us to live and jobs I can apply for. And I'll get really excited about some things. Like the perfect apartment in a small town. Or a great position at a great company. I get excited because I feel like things might just be falling into place! But of course, they don't. The other housing expenses are too high for only one income. Or I never hear back about the possibility of an interview from the job. I get my hopes up and then get disappointed. And it stresses me out.

I have to keep in mind that this has all just happened within the past 2-3 weeks! AJ doesn't start school until the end of August. We probably won't even move until the end of July! We have time. Time to find a place to live. Time to find a great job. Okay, time to find any job. I have to be patient. I have to learn how to wait.

I remember now what this waiting feels like. I experienced it right after graduation, trying to find a job back here in the Cedar Valley close to AJ and then trying to find a place to live. I had forgotten, but it's coming back to me very quickly. For the past few months, it had been me telling AJ to calm down - that a teaching job would come along that will be perfect for him. I kept reminding him to be patient. To trust God and to trust His timing. I also remember AJ telling me that I had forgotten what it was like to have to wait. And I hate to say it, but he was right. I had forgotten. But oh how I remember now. It seems like our roles have switched. Now it'll be AJ reminding me to calm down, to be patient, to trust God.

So God, this is me - surrendering to You. Letting go of my worry and anxiety - or at least to the best of my ability. I will trust Your timing. Your plan. I will wait for You.

Overwhelming yet....

May 4th, 2010

This weekend, AJ and I decided to make a rather impromptu trip to Council Bluffs and Oakland. We discovered the Riverside High School spring music concert was on Monday night and AJ wanted to get a feel for the program. So, we took off work on Monday and Sunday after we had lunch with Amanda and Mitch, we headed west.

We were able to stop in Des Moines and see a college friend we hadn't seen in a really long time and it was great catching up! Then we continued west to Council Bluffs. On our way we were able to drive through Oakland and Carson and AJ showed me where the High School and Middle Schools were.

Once we got to Council Bluffs, we stayed at the Springhill Suites right next to the Mid American Center. We spent most of the night watching Glee on our laptop since we had just bought the first volume to season one. :)

The next day, after we took our time waking up, we went and looked at an apartment complex in Council Bluffs. It was a nice place and it seemed like it was in a good location, but we're not sure yet if it's the place we want to live. Then we explored the downtown area of CB which was sadly vacant and not very exciting.

At this point, AJ and I were both starting to feel fairly overwhelmed. We had continue to look through an apartment rental magazine and nothing was looking like it was in a good location or at a price we could afford. Plus, we were disappointed by the downtown area. I personally started to wonder if I was going to enjoy moving west. Were we making the right decision? It became really discouraging.

After eating a late lunch, we headed back east to Carson to get a tour of the Middle School since AJ hadn't seen inside yet. Once we got there, we were introduced to some of the staff and they were extremely friendly and welcoming. It was great to see AJ interact with his future co-workers. We spent some more time talking with the staff and the principle getting some helpful tips about places to live and possible job opportunities.

Later, AJ and I attended the school board meeting where AJ's contract was made official with a unanimous vote from the board. :) After the meeting, we attended the High School music concert. AJ got a good feel for the talent and skill of the choir and is excited to start picking out some music for this fall.

After that, we headed back home. It was a good trip - even if we were overwhelmed at times. It was great to get a sense for the school district's community. You can tell they are a close nit community and very supported of their school. Everyone was so nice to us as well. It was after we visited the school and drove around the town of Oakland that I really started to remember why we're moving out west. AJ made a great decision in accepting this position and has a great opportunity ahead of him. Luckily we still have a lot of time to make all the other decisions but we were reassured of things this weekend. All in all, it was a great time.

Shepherd me O God

April 27, 2010

I think the service at church on Sunday was prepared just for us. It was just what we needed (I needed) to hear after making a certain life-changing decision. :) The choir sang the Psalm for the service. It was actually a hymn (Hymn #780 from the new red hymnal for you Lutherans out there). The chorus went like this:

Shepherd me O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears, from death into life.

The stanzas in between the chorus were parts from Psalm 23 - which was the Psalm printed up in the bulletin insert.

But the chorus from the hymn was exactly what we asked God to do for us this past week as we made our decision. Shepherding us beyond our wants and beyond our fears. It could have been very easy for me to say I wanted to stay at my job and not leave the Cedar Valley - the place where we've lived for the past six years (if you include college). It was what I knew. What I was comfortable with. Those were my wants. My fears. But I needed God to help me see beyond that. And that's what He did.

And that's what we need Him to continue to do - as I search for a new job. As we look for a place to live. As we take this step in our lives. Together. With God. We need to move beyond our comfort. This is the place where God leads us. Or in our case, leading us to Council Bluffs, IA. :)

Trust and guidance. This is what we ask God to give us. To put our trust in Him and let Him guide us.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

The LORD makes me lie down in green pastures and leads me beside still waters.

You restore my soul, O LORD, and guide me along right pathways for your name's sake.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death; I shall fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil and my cup is running over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Psalm 23:1-6

An Epiphany at Walgreens

April 24th, 2010

So this past week as been quite the week for AJ and I. AJ got a phone call on Monday night. He was offered a teaching position! We were both ecstatic! His first job offer! And for a great position! 6-12 general music and choirs! There was just one problem, the offer was from the Riverside School district, in Oakland, IA - four hours southwest of Waterloo. We didn't know what we were going to do. And we had until Friday morning to decide.

The first thing we did (after making some phone calls to our parents...) was to pray. We asked God to give us guidance to make the right decision. We asked him to speak to our hearts. We asked for an answer. Then we sat and talked about all the different possibilities. About all of our options. The pros and cons. There was a lot of talking this past week. A lot of wondering.

AJ did have another interview on Wednesday of this past week at a school district only an hour away from us now. But it wasn't the ideal position and it was only part-time. Although he felt confident about his interview and the prospect of the job. We talked before we went to bells that night and we had pretty much decided AJ was going to turn down the Oakland job. Although neither of us was probably comfortable with that thought necessarily, we didn't know what else to do. It was just too far to make something work half way and he didn't want me giving up my job at Kruger. And honestly, I wasn't ready to give that up yet either. Again, I asked that God make it clear to us what we needed to do.

We went to bells rehearsal and then I left before choir. I ran to Walgreens to pick some things up and called my mom on the way. While I walked up and down the aisles, I told my mom that AJ is probably going to turn down the job. She told me that she hoped it wasn't something that he regretted later in life. We talked some more and then we said good-bye.

After that, I thought about leaving my job again. On Tuesday, when I had thought about it at work, I got very anxious at the thought. But standing in the Walgreens, I was surprising calm. I was suddenly okay with the idea of having to leave my job and follow AJ to Oakland. I knew then that this was his opportunity to do something great. To really build a program from the ground up. I knew that God was calming my heart and letting me know this was the right choice for us. I couldn't help but smile! I knew this was God making things clear for us. Letting us know that this was the right choice. That we were going to be okay and He would provide all we need. It was a great feeling!

I went home and waited for AJ to get home from choir. When he did, I asked him to sit down so we could talk. I told him I think he needs to take the job in Oakland. At first he didn't understand. I explained to him that I was okay leaving my job. I've got some great experience there but it was time to move on so that he could do this. I didn't know when another opportunity like this would come up and I wanted to make sure he got this chance. We talked some more and after AJ made sure I wouldn't change my mind, he decided to accept the teaching position!

So, AJ has officially signed the contract and has his first teaching job lined up for this fall, working for the Riverside school district. We are very excited about this new opportunity in our life and we believe it is the right move for us right now. The nice thing about Oakland is that its only 40 minutes from Council Bluffs so there are plenty of job opportunities for me in Council Bluffs and Omaha. We don't really have any details figured out yet but the nice part is we have the time to work it all out.

It was a big week for us. A big decision - our first big decision in the six months (today!) that we've been married. This week helped me remember what our marriage is about. It reminded me about what I committed myself to - who I committed myself to when we got married. Marriage is about sacrifice. It's about supporting each other. I lived that this week for the first time. I even told AJ on Wednesday night - there was a reason we had the Bible verse from Ruth in our wedding. "I will go where you go. Live where you live." (see Ruth 1:16 for the full verse) It was a great experience to be able to live that. It reminded me that we're growing up and maturing. We're living this adventure together.

It was a refreshing week. An exciting week. An anxious yet thrilling week. A lot of things will be changing. New adventures will be taking place. We will continue to grow and learn and love together. And we invite you to be a part of that with us.

Changing Focus: Z to Zaruba's :)

I've decided to move the focus of this blog. Since many of our family and friends are at least a couple of hours away from us, if not more, I thought Austin and I would use this blog to keep everyone informed about our exciting lives! Although, sometimes I'm sure there won't be much excitement, but we'll keep you in the know about it all. :)

So I'll be changing the profile for the blog to match all that but I wanted to re-post what I had originally in the profile. Mostly because it's all true and I just really like what it says. Plus, even as I change the direction of the blog, a lot of it will still apply to us Zarubas. ;)

I use the letter Z as my name for a number of reasons. I've always loved the letter Z. I'm not sure why I was drawn to it... perhaps it was the zigzag shape. And my fascination with fonts and how the letter Z always seems to look the coolest. Or the fact that not many words start with the letter Z. And the ones that do are a little bit strange. Like me. Or maybe it's because I had a Z in my name and now my last name starts with Z. And after a class project I discovered the word "Zany" which seemed to describe me - in a weird sense - and became a favorite word of mine. Maybe it's because some of my best thoughts and ideas have come when I'm on the brink of sleep. (Zzzzz) But whatever the reason - I love the letter Z.

Word of the Day: Zany

I've decided that since I don't always have these 'profound' thoughts that come to me late at night, like my previous post, I better think of something else I can write about. And so this idea came to me last night... while I should have been sleeping, of course.

Each day (or close to that...) I will pick a word that begins with the letter Z and focus my entry around that word (or close to that...). And what better word to start with than Zany.

Word of the Day:
zany [zey-nee] noun: 1. ludicrously or whimsically comical; clownish 2. one who plays the clown or fool in order to amuse others. 3. a comically wild or eccentric person. 4. a secondary stock character in old comedies who mimicked his master. 5. a professional buffoon; clown. 6. a silly person; simpleton.

As you may have read in my "About Me" section, zany is a favorite word of mine. I'm not sure if many people have favorite words, but I know I have at least one that is always on the top of my list. Zany. As I briefly stated, I discovered the word in a class project. I believe it was in the 5th grade to be exact. Our assignment was to take our full name and for every letter in our name, find a word that describes ourselves. I had no problem coming up with most of these words, but for the letter Z, I was worried. So I pulled out a dictionary and one of the first words I found was zany. I remember seeing the words "buffoon", "clown" and "silly" in the description and thought, this is my word. I couldn't for the life of me tell you what any of my other words were that I used, but I always remembered zany.

Growing up, I was always that goofy kid. Maybe not the class clown - but the kid everyone picked on. Oh the joys... But, it never bothered me. I knew I was sometimes a little different, but I treasured it. I was the girl with the big glasses and goofy looking headband. In high school, the cliques would come and go and I was not in the popular group. But still, I held close to my 'strangeness' as I walked the halls. I was one of the few that chose not to drink in high school or participate in sports, but instead did drama and choir and spend the weekends with my friends on our crazy adventures. In college, it was different. College was a time for everyone to experiment with who they were personally. It was a time to hang out with different people and try new things. And this was perfect for me. Throughout my years at college, I became friends with a number of people in a number of groups. And I loved it. I was able to stay that 'strange' person that people would like to laugh at. :)

And now, that I'm out of college and married, I feel that zany still fits me - and my husband! While at work, I'm probably the strange one in the office, the quiet one, sometimes keeping to myself. But at home with my husband, I'm my true self and he loves it - and perhaps encourages it. ha! We are two very zany, silly people. Tickling each other, trying to pin the other down, spinning around in chairs until we get dizzy, making odd noises and talking like two crazy people. But it's who we are. It's how we complement each other.

I've always loved that part of me - the part that was never afraid to be different. To be silly. I've always felt free, never having to 'hid' my true self. So I encourage you to try it. Try to be a little silly today. Be zany.

Thoughts from 11:30pm and an Empty Bed

Funny how my thoughts always seem to come to me when I should be sleeping...

I had a bad day at work. Second bad day in a row. Nothing that needs to be discussed here, but but enough to make it a bad day at work.

The husband is gone tonight... maybe that's why my mind seems to be wandering. But as I was saying my prayers, I asked the Lord to continue to bless my husband with this tremendous amount of talent and enthusiasm he has for his career in teaching. After reading an email today from a teacher he worked with, I felt lucky that I was married to the man she was referring to.

Then I started to reflect on that fact. My husband is in a job field that he is perfect for. And he loves it. He lives for it. And I could not be happier for him! But I wonder if this is a rare thing... to be in a job that is perfect for him. I believe that my sister is working towards her perfect job. I know my mother is perfect for her job. And the list goes on and on...

And then there's me. Don't get me wrong - I love my job (most days!) and am fortunate for the job I do have. But I can't help but wonder if it is the perfect job for me. Here of course my mind wanders back to my senior year of college. Where I was struggling to grasp what I was going to do with "the rest of my life". I specifically remember a conversation with my mom who told me: "You are 22 years old. You don't need to figure out what you are meant to do in life right now." And thus was the inspiration for my senior chapel at college.

I was about to graduate college without a calling - one of the many things from my college's "claim to fame". And here I am, a year and half after college graduation, getting ready to watch my husband graduate and start his career, and I'm not sure what I'm doing is my calling.

I wonder if tonight's thoughts will be a random thing or perhaps something more. I've been personally searching for something deep inside of myself. A journey. A relationship. Both with God. Something I use to have a greater appreciation for. Maybe this blog will help me do that. Maybe it will help me grow. Help me listen. Watch. Learn.

Maybe this blog won't help me find my calling for my career at the moment, but maybe I can find a different type of calling. A more personal calling.