I've struggled with the idea of this post. I always feel it's important to document all major life changes or times of struggles or joy. But I'm having a hard time finding the words for this one.
After 7 years of marriage, Austin and I are getting a divorce. This was probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make. It is not something I want or desire but is something that needs to happen.
As many of you know, Austin has struggled with addiction for the past 3+ years. It has been incredibly difficult on our marriage. It's been a struggle... it feels like we've been living in this cramped little bubble with all our problems shoved inside. And it has taken its toll on me.
I found myself stressed and burdened with Austin's addiction, trying to make it right. I enabled his addiction by trying to "help". I kept secrets I didn't want to keep. I became more closed off from family and friends. I became impatient to Jacob as his mother. I got frustrated more easily. I wasn't staying focused at work. I was stretched thin. I found myself to be someone I didn't know or like. I felt used, angry and sad.
I want to say right here that our marriage has never been perfect. And our marriage has had problems that were caused by both of us. I have made some major mistakes and I regret the things that have happened. I don't want to pretend that this is just a one-sided issue.
But the divorce decision was mine. I decided I needed to put myself and Jacob first.
I realized I was no longer married to the man I fell in love with. His addiction had taken first priority. I no longer felt like his best friend, his wife. I felt betrayed. I felt defeated. I can't fix Austin's addiction. He has to want to get better for himself. I believe that he does, and that's a fight I can't imagine. But I couldn't continue to let his addiction take a toll on me.
I need to step away. I need to start taking care of myself and by extension, taking better care of Jacob. Jacob deserves the very best and I wasn't giving that to him. And that breaks my heart.
The hardest part of all of this is that my love for Austin has not changed. I don't not love him or love him any less. That love is still there and makes this even harder. I only want the best for all three of us, but what we were doing wasn't the best.
I will continue to love, support, encourage, pray and be there for Austin. He is still the father to Jacob and my best friend. I don't know what the future holds but I hope and pray that Austin will get the treatment he needs and finds a path to sobriety. I hope that we will figure out how to be a family once again.
As for me, I plan to make 2017 the year of me. And I mean that in the most unselfish, yet still selfish way possible. (Makes sense, right?) This year will be the year I focus on my mental health, my emotional health, my physical health. This is the year I will do things that I enjoy because I can. This is the year that I will be the best mother I possibly can to Jacob. This is the year I become a better friend and reach out more to those I love. This will be the year I make new habits to make a better me. This is my hope and prayer for 2017.
I've been struggling to find a word that will define my year. But I think I've just realized what it needs to be. My word of 2017 is ME. I am notoriously bad at putting myself before others and it has costs me. I am worthy of better. I deserve this. And I need to remember that.
