Holy Week in Grief

Holy Week. It comes every year. Lent is always one of my favorite seasons of the church. I appreciate the idea of embracing the darkness because in the end, Jesus will save us all. His light shines brighter than any darkness. No matter how bad you think things are. He will always win.

I've never experienced a Holy Week like this one. Ironically, it's not the first Easter surrounding the death of a loved one. Just one year ago, we lost my Grandpa during Holy Week. But we also knew that his time had come. I understood that his pain and suffering would soon be over, that he would be reunited with my Grandma again and stand in the presence of God. There was grief. But not like a shocking grief.

This Holy Week. There were a lot of feelings. A lot of thoughts about Austin. A lot of thoughts about what it all means, how it all works.

The message on Maundy Thursday was one of love. Throughout the last supper and that last evening, Jesus showed the same love to every single disciple, even Judas, who he knew would be betray him. Jesus tells us, "Love one another as I have loved you." His final commandment.

We will never be able to love as truly and deeply as Jesus did, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. It's not our place to judge others. Our job is to LOVE. All. Always.

I know this message. I think of it often. I remind myself of it when life gets hard and frustrating. But on Thursday, I felt ashamed because of that message.

I thought of Austin. The last few months we had. We had our differences and disagreements. I would get frustrated and angry. I wasn't living out that commandment. I should have been showing Austin love. He didn't deserve to be treated any differently just because we were having issues. He didn't deserve to be judged. Obviously I didn't know all of his struggles. I should have at least shown him God's love.

But I can't change that. And I'm ashamed of some of my actions. But what I can do is resolve to do better in the future. To treat those I disagree with or get angry at with love. Show them God's love and grace. "Love one another as I have loved you"

Good Friday. That was hard. I couldn't help but think of Austin at his ending. What led up to his ending. Did he feel abandoned? By those he thought loved him? By me? By God? Did he feel alone? And I think that he must have. He must have felt those things. And I can't imagine that pain.

I also thought about those of us who love Austin and who were left behind. "No chance to say goodbye. No way to ease the pain of parting." And this prayer: "For the times when we have not loved, even when we could, failing to carry out the simplest act of mercy, we ask the Father's forgiveness."

Then Saturday. The day that doesn't really get talked about. Unless your life is currently stuck in Saturday. Sometimes others will write something that so clearly states what you can't put into words. A friend, Kayla Becker, wrote something on Facebook that did just that: 

I’ve never really identified with the “Saturday” of Easter before. That silent day in between “Good Friday” and Easter Sunday. The day between the shocking grief and the stunning reality of what His brokenness healed. This Easter I’m stuck in Saturday.

We wear our grief like a cloak now. We’re no longer shocked and disillusioned. The weight of loss is just wrapped around us. And we are reeling as we try to put our lives back together around the trauma of loss. And I understand Saturday in a way I never wanted to.

We know the whole story. We know eventually the stone rolled away. The wounds became what healed us.

For as long as I’ve known the grief of the Friday of Easter I’ve also known the joy of Sunday.

But as for the ones actually written into that story, they didn’t know Sunday was coming. They didn’t know the stone would roll. The only knew the enormity of their loss.

In the blur of the visitation and funeral there are a few things people said that I remember vividly. One more than any other. Dear friends of ours wrapped their arms around me and said with more compassion and grace than I can muster...

“We know loss.”

And it was so simple. And it was so profound. When your heart is breaking, sometimes the most beautiful thing another human being can give you is the knowing. They were not indifferent to our pain.

And here they were years from the initial shock of it. And yet, it was still written into them. The knowing.

But in their knowing, I saw hope. They were not unscathed by their grief. They were not the same people they had been before loss. They did not pretend to be. But they knew something we didn’t yet. They knew Sunday was going to come. They used their wounds to heal.

And hasn’t that always been the way… brokenness is what heals. It’s the bridge between Saturday and Sunday.

I have not yet known heartbreak like this in my entire adult life. I am devastated. And I refuse to lie about that.

I won’t pretend this hasn’t rattled us. His death was traumatic and unexpected, and in ways we feel like we’ll never recover. I won’t pretend we haven't asked all of the hard questions. We lie awake at night, our faith deeply shaken.

I have exactly zero answers for all of the painfully difficult questions being asked. I won’t pretend that I haven’t questioned and tried to make sense of it. But it doesn’t make sense. It feels cruel and unfair. It feels painful, awful, and impossible. Because it’s still Saturday for me.

But the impossible beauty of living on this side of the Easter story is that I know eventually Sunday has to come. Even if I’m still living in Saturday. I know.

We might be shaken. We might be a bit like Thomas, begging to touch the wounds so we can believe it’s really true.

Sunday will come.
Wounds can be used to heal.
God is not indifferent to our pain.

Jesus is the bridge between the Saturday we’re in and the Sunday we believe will come.

And I don’t know if I’ve ever really been able to celebrate Easter in the way I will tomorrow.

Sunday will come.

As I was doing some reading, I learned about a Seder tradition of leaving a place set at the table for the prophet Elijah. "We have faith in his eventual return at the same time we acknowledge his absence. The empty chair at the table is both lament and expectation. His absence makes a very physical presence."

The presence of love and the presence of grief. Together. Acknowledge both. Welcome both. Leave the door open. Allow the emptiness a place at the table.

And then. Sunday. Easter. A day of celebration. Of rejoicing. To be honest, it felt odd to celebrate something so amazing as the resurrection of Jesus when I was still grieving the loss of Austin. Throughout the morning, I realized that I need to focus on where Austin is now.

In heaven! For eternity! For Austin, there is no more pain, no more tears, no more sorrow. There is only the absolutely joy of being with God! And that's because of the Easter miracle. The suffering has ended."The great promise of Easter had prevailed." Truly. Easter makes all the difference. And I can celebrate that.

He is Risen. He is Risen indeed.

The end of winter

One thing I hope to do better at this year is keeping up with my blogging. Even if it's just monthly recaps about our daily lives. I really enjoy being able to go back and have these to help remember what's going on. 

February has come and gone and so has March pretty much. :) 

Jacob really enjoyed his big boy swimming lessons (no parents in the pool). Surprisingly, he did much better listening to the teachers than he did when we were in the pool with him. :) Ha! You can really see how he's getting more and more comfortable in the water. He's picking up on the kicking and scooping and with the help of his frog floatie, he can really move himself around the pool. He even went down the big slide at the Rec Center a couple of times! Although, one time he might have gone more under water than he was used to and that spooked him a bit! But he graduating level 3 swimming and can move on to level 4! 

Jacob also enjoyed his ECFE classes. Generally, he zones in on one particular toy (a truck or tractor) and won't do much exploring with all the other activities they have. But he started to expand on that this session. He really enjoyed the sensory bin, playing with play-doh and even some imaginative play in the kitchen! He really was quite adorable, telling us the pan was too hot and not to touch! :) He also did incredibly well when it came to circle time and singing along with the songs. Hearing him sing the "Hello" song - adorable. 

Overall, Jacob has really started to do more singing which of course just warms our hearts! It's so fun to listen to him singing songs he makes up and songs that we've been singing to him. He is still a huge fan of Big Block Singsong but he also is really into Veggie Tales songs as well. And of course, many of the favorite nursery rhymes! He's still very much into dinosaurs and DinoTrux! And he has had a renewed love of reading! He is really enjoying the Pigeon books right now and we read them so much, he can pretty much read all of them back to us! It's pretty adorable when he just randomly starts quoting a book! We're really looking forward to the warmer weather to get back outside more often! 

Jacob also got to spend a weekend in Iowa at the "Zuba farm" with his grandparents and cousin Evie. He was seriously counting down the days until he could go and once we picked him up, he talked for days about how much fun he had! :) And of course, he's already asking when he can go back! 

I also have to take a moment to talk about this sweet kid Jacob. Even though he's only three and a half, the kid has a huge heart. He is the sweetest, most kind boy. And it melts my heart. Randomly he will come up to me and say "hug?" and then give me a great big hug and say "I love you so much". I don't know if he can sense when I need those hugs or just really is the sweetest boy, but it stops me in my tracks every time and I am reminded about how blessed I am to be this little boy's mother. Before swimming the other day, we were waiting for class to start and he just random says "I love you mommy. And I love my daddy!" Or when he slept all night in his own bed the other night and was telling him how proud I was of him the next morning and I said, "Give me a high five!" Jacob looked at me, thinking and said, "Or I give you a hug!" :) This weekend, he told Nana he needed to come give me a hug so that I feel better. And one day at daycare, he started crying for no reason and when Amber finally got an answer out of Jacob he said, "I miss my mommy". He still runs to me even if we've only been a part a little while, arms open and when I pick him up, he buries himself into a big hug. His little heart is so full of love. And I am so full of love for him. 

For me, February was a little crazy. We had our fifth annual Pedal Past Poverty event at work on the 25th. And while this day and the prep before hand are crazy enough of themselves, we also had to deal with a "incoming blizzard" that make things even more hectic. We managed to get everything to the Y on Thursday night before the snow and got everything set up by Friday afternoon. By Saturday, the weather was cold - but otherwise perfect for the event. We had a successful event and raised just over $92K! I am constantly amazed by this community and how caring and giving they are. 

I also did some more singing at church, singing with the praise band and agreeing to sing as one of the song leaders for the Holden Evening prayer for Lent. I even agreed to sing a solo at church the morning after Pedal Past Poverty. Probably not my best decision, but it went well. :) 

Jacob and I have successfully switched bedrooms and all the moving and organizing is pretty much done. Just a couple more pieces of furniture to remove. I also got a new mattress!! And I have to say, it is a huge improvement from the waterbed! :) It's pretty much my new favorite place! haha! 

Austin and I both signed our copies of the divorce papers as well. This was a hard day and made everything much more real. I am definitely mourning the lost of my marriage and I'm not sure how to handle that. 

We also visited my Grandpa R. who's been in need of some extra care. But he was in good spirits when we visited him! We've also been stopping in to see Great Grandma & Grandpa J. before school and after swimming. Jacob loves those visits because he almost always leaves with chocolate! :) 

March has been pretty low-key. We went out and celebrated Austin's birthday early with a dinner at Applebee's and a family fun night at the Wow Zone! Jacob was so cute, telling the waiter right away "it's my daddy's birthday" :) He also enjoyed sharing the cake and ice cream! At the Wow Zone, daddy and Jacob spent a good amount of time playing the Jurassic Park video game. And it was very fun to watch. Then we did a round of family bowling - Jacob's first time - and of course, Jacob won. :) 

I got to spend a day up at the Capital for Homeless Day on the Hill - raising awareness and advocating support to end homelessness in Mankato. It was my first time doing anything like that and while I didn't get to meet with as many representatives as I would have liked, it was still a really great day. I look forward to going back again next year. 

This past Thursday, we dropped Austin off at a treatment center in South Dakota. I won't write more about that here, I'm working on a separate blog post for that. 

I guess that about does it for us right now. Hopefully I'll be back again in another month. :) 

A Reflection on 2016

I've been awful at blogging this past year. Just awful. I really hope to start doing better again because I really enjoy going back and reading old blog posts when they show up in my Time-hop app. They can be so insightful and mostly just fun to reminisce. I'd like to say that I'll do better next year but I can make no such promises. If anything, I've learned that life is too unpredictable for that.

So. 2016. Quite frankly, it was a little bit of a ... well just not that great. I'm sure you've seen some posts or the memes... 

It was just a crazy year. For pretty much everyone.

For the Zaruba family personally... well it was another roller coaster of a year. 

2016 started out great. Megan and I went to Hawaii and it was an amazing trip. It was also the longest Megan and I have spent together just the two of us in a long time and I won't lie - we were reminded how different we can be sometimes! :) But overall the trip was the perfect getaway and relaxation I think we both needed. It's also become one of my favorite places I've ever visited. I would definitely go back. 

In the winter, Jacob enjoyed playing in the snow. Over the year we've done swimming lessons, ECFE classes and some other fun activities. It's so much fun to do these things with him as he gets older and can really understand and interact. We've visited a couple Children's museums, went to a Twins game, a pumpkin patch, Jacob vacationed up north with Nana and Papa, he spend a week down in Iowa with Nana and Papa Zaruba and cousin Evie. He started going to Sunday School in the Rainbow Room at church, we went swimming at the lake, we went to a tractor pull, the state fair and we even went to the zoo and saw the dinosaurs!! 

Jacob continues to grow up so much every day. I often tell him he needs to stay little but he replies, "No mommy, I get bigger!" :) He loves telling people that he's getting bigger. He loves talking and telling stories. He loves asking questions - about everything. :) He's learning so much more and exploring every day. He really is the light and joy of my life. 

Work is still going great. I hit my one year mark and finally felt like I had a better understanding of everything needed to do this job. New things continue to pop up but I'm loving every day. I still get that feeling of worth and purpose knowing I am helping make a difference for people in our community. In February, our Pedal Past Poverty fundraiser was a huge success, raising the most money we have ever raised so that was definitely a huge highlight! It was so rewarding to see all that hard work pay off. Overall, we've had a great year and continue to get more and more visibility within the community. We're still working hard to get a larger shelter and more affordable housing. I'm hoping to start expanding some of my roles here too and help with grant writing and getting involved with some of the political aspects and learning what we can do to gain more affordable housing. 

I joined the choir at Christ the King and have really enjoyed getting back into singing. It fills a hole I didn't know was there. And our choir director really pushes us hard! I learned very quickly how musically out of shape I've been! :) I thought about joining a local community choir this fall as well but decided to take a second job instead. Probably my craziest idea of the year. I worked part time during the months of September and October at a local costume company doing customer service. The month of October was particularly crazy and stressful but I survived and really enjoyed the extra money. 

In May we went up to Fargo to watch Dan graduate. It was so amazing and fun to see him in his element in the lab and graduating from such a big school! It was actually the only time I made it to Fargo while he was at NDSU! Jacob and I ended up going on a last minute vacation with my parents in early December and we spent a weekend visiting Meg. It's always so much fun to go visit her and attend her church services. This weekend was no different. Then we spent a majority of the week over at a little cottage on Lake Superior between Duluth and Two Harbors. It was a perfect getaway to just relax and reflect. I'd definitely go back. 

Austin has worked at a few jobs this year, trying to find a good fit for him. He also moved into a lower costing apartment which will be really helpful as he continues to try and get back on his feet. With his addiction and things with us... it's been tough. A lot of ups and downs. Going forward in 2017, things are probably going to look different for us. But we continue to be a family and support each other when we can.  

Overall, between all the politics, the attacks, the hate, the deaths and the personal struggles, 2016 has not been easy. It's been a lot to deal with. And I've struggled with the idea of "where is God's love in all this?" I'm continuing with my bible journaling because it's really gotten me closer to God's word again. I continue to tell myself that I can only control me and my actions. That I must show God's love to others, to not hate, to be welcoming, to be understanding, to be helpful, to love. And so that's what I'm trying to do. To everyone. My husband. The people I work with. Those with different opinions that mine. Those I don't even know. 

Here's hoping that 2017 will be a little bit easier for us all. 

Recent thoughts

I wanted to give up today. 

I wanted to give up on the world. There's just too much hate. Too much violence. Too much ignorance. Too much. I felt like the fight left. I didn't want to go on. What was the point?

And then I realized: that's exactly what HATE wants. It wants us to give up. It wants us to stop fighting the hate and give in. And that's exactly what we can't let happen. 

Today, maybe more than ever, we must stand up with LOVE. 

We must show that LOVE can win. LOVE will win. LOVE will conquer HATE. 


Early this morning, someone opened fire at a gay bar in Orlando, killing 50 people and injuring over 50 more. This is the worst mass shooting in America's history. It is not the first. And it is my fear that it will not be last. But it needs to be. 

We are better than this. We as Americans. We as Christians. We as Muslims. We as Atheists. We as Gay or Straight. We as Human Beings. We are better than this. Let's please be better than this. 

We can work together to end gun violence. Because that's the real issue here. Gun violence. Gun violence and hate. Enough is enough. This is not an issue anywhere else in the world and it should not be an issue in America. This is not the America I want my son to grow up in. We need to fight back. 

I will admit that when I learned the shooter reported to be an ISIS sympathizer, I shook my head. NOT because he was an ISIS sympathizer (which is an awful thing, yes), but because I knew this would give politicians (i.e. Republicans) an easy 'excuse' on why this violence happened. "This was a terrorist attack. We must project against Islamic extremists attacking our country." And while yes, those things are true, this attack is about so much more. 

This attack is about gun violence. How was a man who has mental health issues, was a previous domestic abuser and on the FBI terrorist watch list was able to easily and legally buy weapons? Why don't we have background checks that can catch these things and prevent these people from purchasing weapons? 

This attack is about specific gun violence. The shooter used an AR-15 assault rifle. This gun has been used in many previous mass shootings (Sandy Hook & San Bernadino). This was a weapon created for military use. This is a weapon that can kill hundreds within minutes. How is it possible that these weapons can be bought and sold every day? Why on earth do we need these in the hands of any civilian?

This attack was about hate. Do you think it was just a coincidence that the shooting happened at a gay bar? No. Why is it okay for us to spew hate about fellow human beings when it is in no way our place to judge them? Our ONLY JOB is to love. LOVE. And this hate is coming from those people in power. And until they stop allowing and speaking hate, I'm not sure what will happen. Love must be louder.

It has crossed my mind: what if this attack didn't happen in the exact circumstances it did? What if the shooter was an American white Christian male? Would we still be calling it a terrorist attack? Because it would still be a terrorist attack, just like the attack on Planned Parenthood, the attack in Charleston were terrorist attacks - even if we didn't use that terminology.  What if the shooter was a supporter of one of the many anit-LGBT politicians and carried out this attack in their name? How would politicians and the media respond then? And what if this attack wasn't at a gay bar but just a regular bar? Would the responses be different? I did notice that MANY leaders sent out their prayers but didn't even specify the LGBT community. Was that because they were the ones that were busy spewing the hate against these same people? I'm not going to lie, that pisses me off. 


So yes, today I wanted to give up. But we can't let that happen. We cannot let hate win. And so I decided that I'm not going to give up. I'm going to fight harder. Enough is enough. I officially have zero patience for any hate. 

So what can I do? Refuse to put up with it. I'm going to teach my son about love. Raise him to respect all humans and all lives. I'm going to teach him to love first. I'm going to make sure he knows I have zero tolerance for hate, and teach him to do the same. 

I'm not going to let hate into my life. I'm going to fight it with love. I'm going to show love in everything I do and to everyone I encounter daily. I will not allow hate. 

I will also pray and ask those around me to do the same. 

I'm not going to stay silent on gun violence any longer. Sure, you've probably seen my Facebook posts or retweets on Twitter. But that is no longer enough. I will be signing my name to every petition. I will be calling and writing my representatives. I will be demanding answers to why we continue to let this happen. I will be fighting in any way I can. Enough is enough. 

We don't have to live this way. So let's not. Let's make LOVE louder than hate. LOVE can win. LOVE will win. LOVE is stronger. 

Will you join me? 

After 30

So I've struggled with the idea of this blog post for awhile. I wasn't sure where to start or what to say. And honestly, I'm still not. 

My last blog post had a note of positivity on the idea of turning 30. I was going to enter into the new decade with a fresh start. I'm sad to say that the day ended up being nothing that I would have ever imagined or wanted. 

By now, most of your have probably seen Austin's facebook post opening up about his addiction. It is something that we kept secret for so long that I'm still having a hard time talking about it even though Austin is being so open. 

There have been so many bumps and roadblocks in our short six years of marriage. And there have been so many mistakes - from both of us - that have caused us to struggle. We both should have handled some things differently. 

But what is in the past is in the past. Austin and I are both spending this time apart fixing ourselves. We hope that in time, we will be able to once again be together and work on fixing us. We lost sight of who we were but we've started to see glimpses again. 

What's interesting to me is that a couple of old blog posts have showed up in my Timehop app from a few years ago. It seems that for as much as I love fall, it also seems to be a time when Austin and I struggle a lot. The one blog post that really struck a chord was Little Things & Sand Dunes. 

When I wrote this blog post, Austin and I were living apart but for very different circumstances. It's ironic that we're in a somewhat similar position now. But what I found to be most inspiring about this post, is what I wrote about sand dunes. 

For every step you take, you go back a little because there is nothing firm to find your footing on.

It seems that Austin and I are climbing the biggest sand dune of our marriage yet. And it must be one hell of a dune because this climb is so much harder than anything we've ever had to do before. But if we keep climbing, I think we'll be able to reach the top together.

I wish I could describe to you what these past few weeks have been like, but I honestly have no words. What I do want to say is thank you. Thank you for all the support you have shown both Austin and myself during this difficult time. Your support and your prayers have been very welcomed. We really do appreciate it. 

Entering Motherhood

*The first part of this blog was written on May 14th, 2013 but never published. The second part was just written after looking back and reflecting on this post.

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So for those of you  that know me, I've never been a really strong person. I'm not talking about being able to lift weights - although I can't do that either! I'm talking about  not being able to stomach certain things very well... needles, blood, pain, etc. I mean really. Ask my parents about the fun they had trying to pull my teeth when I was a child. Or ask Austin about the bloody incident right after he got his wisdom teeth out! I just don't do well in these types of situations. I get queasy and faint. It's how it's always been.

So, when Austin and I first started talking about babies, we wanted to make sure we were both ready. I obviously realized that if I wanted a baby that would mean I would have to go through the labor and birth. And while this scared the crap out of me, I honestly didn't put much thought into it. When I knew I was ready to have a baby, I just hoped and prayed that when the time came for the actual birth part, some mother's instinct would kick it and get me through it! And this was my thought process all throughout us trying and probably the first 6 months of this pregnancy even! I didn't want to hear your stories about how the process went for you. I didn't want to watch any videos or read too much about the process. I was going to be blissfully ignorant and pray for those mommy skills to take over. I'm serious when I say I really tried not to think about the actual birthing process much throughout this pregnancy. I would think about everything going on with my pregnancy and I would think about everything that will happen once this baby comes. I would just skip the part when the baby makes his/her appearance! 

When I did let myself think about it, I would tell Austin that it was one of my biggest fears with this pregnancy. Not necessarily what would be happening, but if I was strong enough or not to actually do what needs to be done. What if I couldn't? What if I couldn't stomach through the pain? What if those mothering instincts didn't kick in? This was my fear.

Now we're getting close. We're a little over a month away from welcoming this baby into the world. Soon I'm going to have to find out if I'm strong enough. But as we get closer, I'm starting to feel more calm about what's going to happen. The birthing classes helped. It helped knowing exactly what happens in each stage and what I'll be going through. And as much as I didn't want to, I did watch a video of a baby  being born. :) And it wasn't too bad. Although I still don't think I want to watch while I'm going through it. And I do think that some of those mother instincts have kicked in. I feel more comfortable with what needs to be done. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still nervous! But I know I can do it. I know people will say "You'll be fine, don't worry, your body is made for this, etc." And I understand all that, I do. But I don't think hearing it is really going to help. This is just one of those things that you're not really going to know until you've gone through it. And soon, I'll be able to say that I've gone through this miraculous experience. 

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Well I survived the birth and labor process. Although it didn't happen the way I wanted it to, we still ended up with a healthy beautiful baby boy. And that's all that matters. I learned that I was strong enough. I could handle the pain of contractions. I could handle being uncomfortable. I could handle pushing. I could handle a major surgery. I could handle the recovery. And I did handle it all. And it was all surprisingly easy. Well, the process might not have been easy, but being able to handle it, being strong enough, was easy. It came naturally. And just like that, I became a mom.

Being a mom is everything that I expected it to be and nothing at all like I expected it to be. 

Everything is different when it's your own baby. I was okay with babies before, never quite sure how to act because I didn't want to hold the baby wrong or feed him/her wrong with mom sitting close by, watching me. (not saying this did happen, but that's just how I would feel) I wasn't excited to change dirty diapers - gross. I actually didn't want to do with that at all. Or deal with throw up. Or boogers. Or blood, especially blood. But it changes when it's your own flesh and blood. Dirty diapers don't bother me. Being covered in throw up doesn't bother me. I actually have a sick obsession with getting boogers out of my son's nose. And the blood? Well, luckily I haven't had to deal with that yet but that might be one I'm still not okay with. :) 

Before my son was born, I was nervous. I was nervous about making that transition into motherhood. How was I going to raise a baby? How will I know what to do? Will I be doing everything correctly? Or am I going to royally screw this kid up? 

Once my son arrived, I was almost surprised at how easily things came to me. I'm not saying here that being a mom and taking care of a baby is easy, because it's not. But with certain things, I just knew what to do. And maybe easy isn't the right word. Things came naturally. I felt completely comfortable holding my baby. I felt comfortable changing his diaper. I felt comfortable feeding him. Patience came quickly and easily when listening to his cries and learning what he needed from me. There were certainly things I needed help with or wanted assistance before venturing out on my own. And I still have questions where I consult my book, my parents or fellow parents. But I felt like a mom. 

And I love being a mom. I love being responsible for another life. I love that he is so dependent on me right now. I love learning about him. I love being able to comfort him when he's crying. I love cuddling with him. I love feeding him. I love bathing him. I love playing with him. I love singing to him. Talking to him. Teaching him. I love his smiles. I love watching him grow and change before my very eyes every day. I love knowing he is a part of me. And part of my husband. Part of us. 

But being a mom is hard. There are days when I can't stand his crying. When I do have no patience for it. There are days when I feel like all I do is feed, change a diaper, rock the baby until he sleeps for a very short nap and then do it all over again, getting nothing else accomplished for the day. There are days when I don't want to leave the house because it's just too much work with a newborn. And there are days when all I want to do is leave the house and have some adult time without a baby around. There are days when after finally getting him to fall asleep, I start to close my eyes and he wakes up. There are days when I feel so exhausted all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry. 

But then he smiles at me. And my heart literally melts. Every damn time. And I forget everything else. 

But I still worry sometimes. I remember that first day home from the hospital. I broke down and cried because I was scared and nervous. How were we going to take care of this baby? Are we going to do everything right? And while some of that has disappeared, I still feel that way some days. I worry about his sleeping habits. Have we created bad habits and how do we change them now? I worry about his little head and how he has a little bit of flat spot on one side. Will we be able to fix it without having to spend a ton of money on some fancy helmet? I worry when he cries sometimes. Is he in pain and just can't tell me? I always worry when he gags or sounds like he's catching his breath. Why haven't I learned baby CPR yet? I worry that we're not stimulating him enough, or that we're over-stimulating him. I worry we're not doing enough tummy time. I worry we're not reading to him enough, or singing to him or even talking to him enough. I worry. About a lot of things. But we can only keep going like we are, learning as we go. And praying that it will all work out in the end! :) 

But I can not get enough of my little man. I love spending every day with him. Sometimes it's hard for me to share him, even though I know I need to! I also know that I would do anything for this baby boy. I will do anything to make him happy. I will do anything to protect him and keep him safe. I will do anything he needs from me. Especially when I want to keep him away from pain. Because it pains me to my core when he is in pain. Two month shots - horrible. Baby feeling sick and not himself - horrible. These times when he's in pain and crying, I'm in pain and crying. I want to help him so bad! Although I know there are times when I won't be able to. I know there are times when he'll have to have pain in order to learn, to grow. But I know I'm not going to like it. I wish I could always take away his pain. Because I love him so much. So much it hurts sometimes! I love him so much I just want to squeeze him and hold him. I love him so much that sometimes I'll just cry when I look at him. I love him so much that I'll physically miss him when he not in my arms, even if he's just napping on the other couch or in his crib. I love him so much.

You don't realize how much you can actually love another person until you have a child. It is an immeasurable amount of love. It is a parent's love. A mother's love. 

The days after...

After Jacob was born, it seemed like we lived in that hospital. We were there for almost 6 full days. I wasn't sure we would ever leave! But a lot happened those days we were there. 

Throughout that first day we started to try and breastfeed. This was something I really wanted to do for Jacob. All the books tell you that it can be difficult and it takes some time. And they were right. We were having a hard time. At first he was having problems even latching but then he got the hang of that, but wouldn't suck. We met with the lactation consultant who worked with us but without much luck that first day. After a while we started using a shield which seemed to help. We were told not to worry too about it too much because Jacob's stomach was so small right now anyway that he'd be fine. 

My parents and sister stayed all day and got to spend some time with Jacob. It was great to have them there because while they were busy holding him, Austin and I got to get some sleep in! And boy, did we need it. Around noon on Wednesday, I was treated to a foot and leg massage by the massage therapist at the hospital and it felt amazing! And then, with much help, even got out of bed to shower! Those first couple of steps felt so weird! First off, I didn't have a big baby belly anymore. And second, I had been bed bound for a little over 24 hours! I was very wobbly at first! But the shower felt amazing. 

Everything throughout the day was looking good. All of our checks and tests were great. Right after birth, Jacob scored a 9 in the APGAR test. I can't tell you much more about that first night because everything was such a blur! 

On Thursday, June 27th, Jacob was scheduled for his circumcision that morning. We got an update before and after that everything had gone well. After his recovery, they brought him back in for us to spend some time with him. Before and during the procedure they give him sugar water and this caused him to be pretty sleepy throughout the day. It made trying breastfeeding difficult. We were having luck again using the shield but he would latch and only suck for a very short amount of time before falling asleep. Again, we were told it wasn't a big deal and that we'd keep trying. 

Thursday night is when things started to get a little interesting. First we had to switch rooms because they had a full house at the hospital and need our birthing suite. Our new room was much smaller and didn't have the pull-out couch for Austin to sleep on. There was only a pull-out chair which wasn't nearly as comfortable. So Austin decided to head home that night and sleep there. We were keeping Jacob in the nursery at night and just having him brought in for feedings. I was still working hard at breastfeeding but I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. 

Around midnight the nursing brought Jacob in and hold me was a little jaundice so they had put him under the warmer for a while. I tried breastfeeding again but wasn't really successful. Over the course of two hours, Jacob only managed to suck around four minutes. He would latch, take a pull or two and then fall asleep. Luckily I had an awesome nurse helping me through all of this. At 4am, I hand expressed some milk/colostrum and we were able to feed it to Jacob by syringe. The nurse put her finger in his mouth and would wait until he sucked before feeding him - trying to make sure he would connect the two. This really seemed to help make things click for Jacob. After that, he was able to latch and fed for about 7 minutes - the longest yet! 

A couple of hours later, the morning nurse came in to tell us that Jacob's blood sugar levels were low. They like to see a newborn's levels between 50 and 100. Jacob's was in the low 30's. So they had us feed him 17mL of formula. I wasn't too excited about this as I really wanted to just breastfeed, but I knew Jacob had to eat. Before our next feeding that morning, we met with the lactation consultant, Rita, again. She has much more patience than either Austin and I but helped us get Jacob to latch without even using the shield! And then he even fed for about 15 minutes! We were all very excited! We were so proud of Jacob at this point. 
Shortly after he got done feeding, our pediatrician came in to talk to us about some concerns she had about Jacob because of the jaundice and low blood sugar levels. She wanted me to pump every two hours so that we could see exactly how much milk Jacob was getting at each feeding. But first, she wanted to give him some formula again because of the low levels. This happened right after we just got done feeding Jacob and the lactation consultant was still in the room with us. I was feeling pretty frustrated at this point because we had just had a great feeding with Jacob and I wasn't sure he needed the formula. I wanted them to check his blood sugar again to see if my feeding had been enough for the little man. I wanted the reassurance that I was doing my job. I could tell Rita (the consultant) was feeling the same way and she was vocal about it to our pediatrician. They really butted heads on it and it put Austin and I in a bit of an uncomfortable situation as new parents who really don't know what we're doing. That was extremely frustrating. 
In the end, the formula was given to Jacob. I was going to be pumping every two hours, before each feeding, and we would feed Jacob with a bottle. If he wasn't getting enough with my milk, formula was going to be supplemented. They were going to be checking his blood sugar levels every hour and run some blood tests to see if the low levels were being caused by an infection or something. While I did have some concerns about Jacob going back and forth between a bottle and straight breastfeeding, I also like the reassurance of knowing exactly how much he was going to be eating each time. No parents want to hear that something is wrong with their baby so we were willing to do what we needed to do to help make him better. 

So this is how our Friday continued. Jacob was getting his blood sugar checked every hour and I was pumping every two hours for feedings. The good news is that I was pumping more than enough milk for each feeding and we didn't have to supplement with any formula. The bad news is that when they would come and prick Jacob's heel to test the levels, my poor baby would just scream and cry. It's a horrible thing to have to watch and probably was more traumatic on Austin and I than on Jacob! He would calm down pretty quickly as soon as it was over and was able to cuddle with mom or dad. But every time the nurse came in and started messing with his foot, he knew what was going to happen and would start to cry again. Every blood sugar test they did however was great! His levels were never below a 50 so we knew he was doing great and getting enough milk! 

On Saturday, June 29th, we were told they were going to use the day as a trial run. The feedings had gone so well all day Friday and through the night that I could stop pumping and go back to just breastfeeding. They were still going to keep checking his levels though to make sure he was getting enough. We were also still doing a strict two-hour feedings. So before each feeding, they came in to check his levels again. All day Saturday his levels were still great! Never dropping below 50. And breastfeeding was getting easier. 

Later in the day, Austin's parents were able to come and visit, along with his sister and brother-in-law and their 7-month old. It was fun for the cousins to meet and I think they're going to be great friends as they grow up together! :) Again, it was great having family there and fun to watch them hold and interact with Jacob. 

Also as the day went on, the blood sugar tests got harder and harder.They kept pricking his little heels and were having a harder time getting blood. Hearing his cries was absolutely no fun. Finally we asked if it was still necessary for checks every two hours since his levels had been so good and luckily the nurses and the pediatrician agreed. They still wanted to keep checking but it would be every four hours. 

On Sunday morning we finally got the go ahead to get discharged! We were going home! Again, all of Jacob's levels checked out great and the blood work came back with no signs of infection. The pediatrician decided that the poor little man just probably didn't get enough to eat those first couple of days. We were glad to hear nothing else was wrong. As we got all of our discharge instructions, I was getting more and more excited to go home. We had been there long enough! One of the nurses walked down to our car with us to check our car seat and help us load everything up. 

As soon as we were good to go and Austin started to drive away, I suddenly became very anxious! It was real. We were leaving the hospital. We had a baby. We had this other life to be responsible for. Such an overwhelming feeling, especially since I was still excited! 

Austin's parents were there to help us get settled in at home and even let us get a quick nap in before they left. It was a great help, especially since we knew it would probably be a long first night at home. And it was a pretty long first night. We had bought a video baby monitor and Austin decided he wanted to set it up to watch Jacob in the bassinet, even though it was right next to the bed. I admit I made fun of him a bit at first but once it was bedtime, I was thankful for that monitor! It was an extra reassurance to be able to watch him sleep, otherwise I'm sure I would have been standing over his bassinet all night!  But we survived the first night. And every day things get a little easier. We're learning as we go and Jacob is sure teaching us the things we need to know! :) 

Since we've been home, we've had family and friends here helping us out. It's been great having them around and they've really been a huge help! It's making the transition easier as well. But soon, it's going to be just the three of us. But I think we're going to be okay. :) My friend Amanda came down for a couple days and cleaned our entire apartment for us! It was cleaner than I think it's ever been! Austin's parents came and helped us get a ton of things packed up before our move later this summer. My family also came down and is helping me around the house while Austin is away. Austin had the opportunity to go to a conference with Dike-New Hartford with some other teachers so he's currently in the Cities for a few days. It's nice to have family here so I'm not by myself. 

We went back to the doctor on Tuesday for a 48 hour follow up with our pediatrician because of the problems we had in the hospital. Luckily, Jacob passed with flying colors. He had already gained back and passed his birth weight! He was 8lbs 7oz! The jaundice was completely gone and he looked great. It was a relief to hear and helped calm my worries some. I felt better after leaving the doctor. 

And so here we are. Living each day as it comes. We've fallen into a pretty good routine. And Jacob's eating schedule is pretty good so far as well. He's a pretty content baby and makes things easy on us. Let's hope it stays that way! :) We also fall more and more in love with Jacob every day! And it's fun to see how much he changes every day! You can't tell much by looking at him, but looking back at pictures from his birth, you can notice differences. He's also just a fun baby to watch sleep. He makes the funniest faces. And the funniest noises! We couldn't be happier!

Marriage is...

This blog idea came after a phone call from my parents. They called to basically tell us about these weird things they do and if we did them to, then we were also weird. We had two out of three on their list. :) But anyway, it got me thinking. What is marriage? So here we go!

Marriage is... 

• Committing your life to another person
• Being able to compromise
• Building forts in the living room when you have no other furniture 
• Being willing to sacrifice 
• Trying to guess how much your grocery bill will be 
• Finishing each others sentences 
• Being able to laugh at each other
• Feeling completely comfortable with that person
• Living with your best friend
• Experiencing all those "firsts" together
• Hopefully having a family together
• Going to the bathroom with the door open (TMI?) :) 
• Leaving each other notes around the house or in luggage 
• Chasing thunderstorms and not being afraid of getting caught in the rain
• Having inside jokes that are only funny to the two of you
• Camping in your spare bedroom
• Having someone who helps you grow as a person and grow as a couple
• Learning to take care of someone else 
• Being thankful you found your other half 
• Having someone to enjoy your interests with 
• Not being afraid of arguing as long as you're always prepared to say "I'm Sorry"
• Being able to miss that other person, even if they're just in the next room
• Holding hands whenever you feel like it 
• Learning to budget 
• Being able to not have to do or even say anything when you're together
• A marathon, not a sprint
• Having someone to watch "Friends" with and then quoting it non-stop
• Running to the store at 10pm because your wife has a chocolate craving
• Learning to divide up responsibilities/chores around the house 
• Never going to bed angry
• Having someone to dance with 
• Completely ruining dinner or a dessert and being able to laugh at it 
• Saying the exact same thing and the exact same time
• Hard work, everyday 
• Trying to find excuses to get the other person to do something you want 
• An adventure 
• Having someone to share your crazy dreams with, even if they don't make sense 
• Singing as loud as you can on long car trips
• Purposely wearing matching clothes 
• Trying to find each others reflex spot, just for the fun of it
• Making plans for your future and being able to adapt when they don't work out
• Supporting each other in everything you do 
• Having someone to kiss anytime you want 
• Offering to drive when you're drugged on pain killers and bleeding from the mouth when your wife is faint from the sight of that blood 
• Learning from the good examples your parents set for you 
• Having someone to grow old with
• Knowing that after a long day you can get in your easy clothes and cuddle on the couch
• Respecting each other 
• Endless back rubs :) 
• Appreciating the little things in each other 
• Creating memories
• Making sure God always has a place in your relationship
• A lifetime together 
• Having someone to love and to love you back 

Wedding Memories

This past weekend, Austin and I had the chance to attend and be a part of the wedding of some good friends of ours. This was actually the first wedding we've had (or could make) all summer. So it had been well over a year since we've attended a wedding. And this got me thinking...

The wedding this past weekend was simply beautiful - full of love and joy. You could see it on everyone that was present. Austin and I had a the amazing opportunity to be a part of this wedding by singing. It's always an honor when we get asked to sing and be a part of someone's special day. And this was no different.

Throughout the ceremony and even the whole day, I was reminded of our wedding day. We too got married at the Wartburg Chapel and that in itself holds a lot of memories. But the day brought back a lot of feelings. Those feelings of butterflies, of complete joy, of the unexpected. Your wedding day is going to be one of the most fun and joyous days of your life. And after three years of marriage, you forget what those feelings were like. You lose sight of them. You get caught up in the every day stuff. The normal. The boring. And I think it's good to be reminded about how you felt on your wedding day.

Your wedding day is more than just a big party. It's the day you commit yourself to another person. Fully. Completely. You make vows. You make promises. You agree to spend the rest of your lives with each other. And that's where it can get tough. Because marriage is not like the wedding day. It's not all fun, party and dancing. It's work. It's compromise. It's exhausting some days. But it's what you've agreed to.

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband. I love our marriage. I love our life. But it's still easy to lose sight of these things. Maybe that's why you're suppose to make a big deal out of your anniversary every year. To help remind you of those vows you made on your wedding day. To help remind you of that joy you have deep in your heart. Of that love. I'm sad to say that Austin and I haven't been the best at celebrating our actual anniversary. We're both busy that time of year and we haven't even really been together on that day. But I think we need to do better. I think we need to take the time each October 24th and watch our wedding video. To look at the pictures. To read through our guestbook and cards. I mean, why else do we have them? 

So to my friends that just got married, to my friends who are currently planning their weddings and to my friends who have been married: Remember your wedding day. Remember that joy. That nervousness. That love. Remember those vows. Those promises. Remember the Bible verses you had read or the songs that you had sung. Remember the family and friends that were there to support you. Remember that God is there every step of the way. And remember your spouse. And why you love them. Why you married them.

Austin, I love you with all of who I am. I love every day we've spent together and I look forward to every day we will get to be together. I cherish all of the memories that we've made and try to wait patiently as we make new ones. I will love you every day of my life. You are my other half. And I would be lost without you.  

"Where you go, I go; and where you live, I'll live. Your people are my people, your God is my god; where you die, I'll die, and that's where I'll be buried." 

Ruth 1:16-17

I'm thankful for...

So I know I'm a couple of days late on this post, but really Thanksgiving isn't the only day you can remember all that you're thankful for! So that's what this is post is for! Creating a list of all that I am thankful for and so grateful to be blessed by God! I have so much to be thankful for. So much that I'm not sure I'll even be able to write it all down! :)

I am thankful that Austin and I have a place to call our own. We have a roof over our head. We have a place we can come home to every night and relax. And if I'm being honest here, I'm thankful for my jet whirlpool tub! ;-) We have a kitchen and plenty of food to eat. I am thankful that we always have food and never go hungry. I'm thankful for a husband that will cook for me so I don't go hungry!
I'm thankful that we live in a small town and a great community that has welcomed us with open arms. I'm thankful we have found a church that has always welcomed us in and is eager to help us become more involved in the church and community.

I'm thankful for mine and Austin's good health. I'm thankful we don't have thousands or even hundreds of dollars in medical bills. I'm thankful we're both able to do what we love. I'm thankful we have jobs that we not only love, but pay the bills - especially in a hard economy. I'm thankful that we can pay our bills - even if we don't want to! I'm thankful for co-workers that have made us each feel like we belong.

I'm thankful for my friends. Friends who have made my life better. I'm thankful for old friends and the fact we can still get together, if only a couple times a year, and still be able to pick up like it was only yesterday. I'm thankful for friends with whom I can enjoy an evening of conversation and a bottle of wine. I'm thankful for friends that will always let me stop by their house to see them, even when they know I'm really only there to see my little clans-baby. ;-) I'm thankful for all my friends and for all that they've done for me, for the impact they've made, for the jokes and stories they've share, for the memories they've created.

I'm thankful for my family. My crazy, goofy, lovable family. I'm thankful that they always put up with my nonsense. I'm thankful for all the fun times that we share together. I'm thankful they always welcome Austin and I back home whenever we want. I'm thankful for their support - whether it be financial, physical or emotional. I'm thankful for the way they've raised me throughout the years. I'm thankful for their company. I'm even thankful for their bad jokes. ;-) I'm thankful that no matter what, my family is always there. I'm thankful that we've grown closer as we've grown older. And don't think I'm not also talking about my wonderful in-laws! I'm thankful for having married into such an amazing family and one that has accepted me as their own.

I'm thankful - so thankful - for my incredible husband, Austin. I'm thankful that I have found my soulmate. He is truly my other half. I'm thankful for our two years of marriage. I'm thankful for every day we have to spend together. I'm even thankful for our time apart as it really does make us appreciate our time together even more. I'm thankful I can be my complete goofy self with him and he can do the same. I'm thankful for those lazy Saturdays we spend together. I'm thankful for our crazy road trips. I'm thankful for our fun date nights. I'm thankful for all our good times and all our bad times. I'm thankful we've been able to grow together and learn to love each other even more. I'm thankful that he appreciates me for all that I am and I'm thankful I can do the same to him. I'm thankful for his nerdy, goofy personality. I'm thankful for his passion of music and teaching. I'm thankful for his cooking skills. I'm thankful that he loves me for me. I'm thankful for his desire to always look out and take care of me. I'm thankful to be married to my best friend.

I'm thankful for so much. God has blessed me beyond belief. And I am so grateful. 

A year ago...

It's hard to believe it's been a year. A year has past since Austin and I were put through some things. A year has past since we made some hard decisions. A year has past since we've been at some of our lowest points. A year has past since I've really tested my trust in God.


A year ago this month, Austin and I went through some hard times. I didn't discuss the details on this blog back then and I'm not going to now. A lot of things happened and every event that took place tested us in a variety of ways. It tested our personal strength, our marriage, our jobs. It's hard to image what things were like a year ago. I really try not to think about it and not to focus on it. We've moved on. We're past it. But I also believe it's good to think back and reflect on it every once and a while.

I went back and re-read the blogs I had written during that time. Reading the struggles I was having brought them back to the surface. I remember the anxiety. I remember the pain. I remember the sadness. I remember worrying. I remember wanting everything to be okay but not having any idea how to make it be okay.

Leaving my job a year ago was both the hardest and the easiest thing I've ever had to do. It was hard to give up a good paying job, one that I enjoyed and had friends at. But it was easy to give up for my husband. For my marriage. And that was what mattered in the end. Like the verse from our wedding from Ruth - "I will go where you go." I meant that. Unemployment was hard. I was questioning God a lot. Did we make the right decisions? Are we doing the right things? It was hard to believe things were ever going to get better.

And now here we are, a year later. I ended up finding a job - one that I love and enjoy doing so much. And while yeah, I did take a pay increase, I'm now doing something I've wanted to do since I graduated from college - working in college admissions. I know that this is what I'm suppose to be doing - and it wouldn't have happened if it weren't for what happened a year ago.

Austin is enjoying his second year so much better and is really getting to know his kids and getting to know the community. We love living in Oakland and are trying to get involved however we can. We are grateful the community and the school district have accepted us as much as they have in just a year.

I also believe that our marriage is in a much better place. We are in a better place because of what happened a year ago. Those events tested our marriage. But we endured. And we are stronger because of it. We are closer as husband and wife and have a better understanding of things now. We have learned to appreciate the little things in life and not take them for granted. We have learned a lot. We've made a lot of changes throughout the year and I think we're better because of all of them. And yeah, we still have some ups and downs but everyone does. But we are in a much better place now overall. We have recently celebrated two wonderful years of marriage and we know there are going to be several more years to celebrate as well.

In the end, I guess God does know what He's doing. :) 

Falling in Love with the best time of year!

Fall is, without a doubt, my absolute favorite time of the year. There are so many reasons and for this blog, I've decided to try and write them all down. :) 

Reason I Love Fall: 

1. I was born in October :) 
2. I also married the love of my life in October :) :) 
3. The start of a new school year - a new beginning of sorts
4. Beautiful weather - the nice fall breezes and sun shining 
5. Sweatshirts - who doesn't love sweatshirt weather?!
6. The world is surrounded by beautiful and rich fall colors - the reds, oranges, yellows 
7. Minnesota fall apples (and of course caramel!)
8. Perfect cool evenings for a bonfire
9. The sound of fallen leaves crunching under your feet
10. Football games
11. A fall rain
12. Jumping in piles of leaves as a kid (or an adult...haha)
13. Pumpkin patches, carving pumpkins and pumpkin seeds
14. Hay rides 
15. Halloween - YAY for candy! 
16. Thanksgiving - YUM
17. The cooler temperatures which means open windows 
18. Cuddling up in blankets on a cool fall morning
19. Harvest - so many memories of going to the farm to bring dad lunch or dinner and helping drive the combine 
20. That fall smell - maybe a combination of woodsmoke, cinnamon and spice, wool, apple cider, dried leaves and pumpkin pie
21. Fall premiers of new and returning favorite TV shows 
22. Homecoming at Wartburg 
23. Candy Corn and Pumpkin candy 
24. Oktoberfest celebrations

I am tempted to stop at 24 since October 24th is our anniversary... :) And so I think I will. If I think of more later, I might add them.

So welcome fall! I am happy to have you back again! :)

This is what I believe.

I came across a couple of blogs recently that really caught my interest. The first was a sermon written for the Passion Week that basically combined "It Gets Better" and the "Passion of Christ". It is well worth the time to read. From that entry, I was directed to another blog. This second blog really made me stop and think. In this blog entry, a columnist (and an atheist at that) called out to Christians. Here is the quote:

Sex columnist (and atheist) Dan Savage writes about what he calls NALTs, which stands for Not All Like That. NALTs are Christians who insist that they’re moderate, that they don’t hate, that they are for social justice and human rights, and that they follow a loving, joyous, peaceful Christ. Dan Savage is annoyed because, he says, NALTs apparently exist in large numbers, since they email him in droves every time he calls out the Church for a new example of extreme bigotry, but despite their large numbers, they’re disturbingly silent on the big issues. NALTs are not visible in the current political, theological, and cultural arenas, and Dan Savage wonders why.

The blog goes on to detail a church, full of NALTs. It urges Christians who are NALT to stand up for what they believe in. To fight for their beliefs. To let the world know - we are here.

There's a lot going on in the news lately. A lot of hate. Protests at soldiers' funerals. Resolutions to impeach judges who were only doing their jobs. Bills to ban same-sex marriages in multiple states. And a number of teen suicides brought on by bullying. And this is not okay.

I have decided that for this blog, I'm going to sit down and really think about what I believe in. And then I'm going to make it known. I'm going to shout my beliefs for all to hear. I'm going to fight for those beliefs. Because if you don't fight and stand up for what you truly believe, what do you have? So, here it goes...

I believe in God. I am a Lutheran of the ELCA. I believe that Jesus came to this earth and then died for our sins. I believe He did this so that we could some day have eternal life with Him. I believe Jesus died so that all of our sins are forgiven. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in miracles. I believe in faith. I believe that it's okay not to have all the answers because I have faith. I believe that Jesus preached love. I believe that is not our job as Christians to judge others. I believe that only God can cast judgment on us and He will do so when it is our time. I believe that love is the most important thing of all and that, as Christians, we should promote that love, forgiveness and acceptance.

I believe that family and friends - the people you love - are the most important things in life. I believe that God has a plan for each of us and that while we don't always understand it, He knows what He's doing. I believe that there are messages from God everywhere. I believe that life is not always suppose to be easy and that the pain and hardships we endure make us better people. I believe in the power of music and that it can move the spirit inside people. I believe in happiness. I believe in peace. I believe that being different is okay and you should never hide who you are. I believe in love. I believe in soul mates. I believe in marriage. I believe that marriage is something you have to work at every day.

I believe that being gay is okay. I believe that is not a sin in God's eyes. I believe that God loves everyone for who they are, no matter what - because He made them that way. I believe in my God but I understand that not everyone does. I believe in not pushing my religion onto anyone else. I believe in respecting everyone and their own individual beliefs - religious or not. I believe in being able to have an open mind and open and rational discuss about tough topics. I believe in debates.

I believe in the democracy of America. I believe that every person has a voice and that voice counts. I believe that voting is important and everyone should do it. I believe that the people out fighting for our country (or have) are brave and good people. I believe that anyone should be able to do this if they want and shouldn't have to hide the fact they're gay. I believe in equal rights for everyone. I believe in same-sex marriages. I believe that while some people may personally be against same-sex marriages because of their religion, that does not mean, in any way, they should be denied the same rights that are provided to us by the state (not the church). I believe that while abortion would never be a personal choice for me, every woman should have the right to choose. I believe in helping others that need help. I believe that guns should be harder to obtain and always stay locked up when not in use.

I believe that there is still the American dream and that we shouldn't deny that dream to others just because they weren't born here. But that being said, I believe that those people should come to this country the right and legal way. I believe that the economy will turn around and continue to get better. I believe in public education and that it is sadly under-funded and not supported properly. I believe that health care should be an affordable option for everyone. I believe that as the richest nation in the country, poverty is not okay.

I believe that there are good people out in the world. And while they might not have all the same beliefs I do, I have to believe that there are a large number of people that believe in love. Love, not hate. These are the people who need to speak up. These are the people that need to show the world we are not hateful people. I believe these are the people who can make the world a better place.

Those are my beliefs.