My Journey to be Debt-Free

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while now. As I inch closer and closer to my ultimate goal of being debt-free. 

Recently, I did a thing. A huge, very adult thing. I made my last ever student loan payment. Eleven years after graduating college. Which isn't too bad, considering they generally set you up on a ten-year repayment plan and there was more than once I had to defer my loan payments or get those payments lowered. 

I am forever grateful for my experience at college. I wouldn't change it for the world. But it is a huge relief, a huge burden lifted to be finally done making payments on my student loans. 

I've been on this debt-free journey for a few years now. But before I tell you my story, I need you to know that getting to this point took some hard lessons being learned, it meant making sacrifices, it meant working hard but it also took a lot of luck. I've been very fortunate in some of my circumstances that have made this journey easier than it could have been. 

I will be the first to admit that I am no money expert. In fact, for most of my life, money was definitely not my strong suit. Just ask my sister. She loves to tell people how I supposedly "bullied" her into sharing her allowance and saved money when we were on vacation. Haha!! She's also not wrong. I liked to spend money, not save it. And that can be a hard habit to break. 

I had summer jobs growing up and worked my way through college so I knew the value of hard work and money being earned. After college, I landed a job that paid very well but I hate to admit that I was foolish with that money. Looking back, I just cringe at the thought. I was making more money than I needed at the time. Yet, I was not good at saving it or putting it towards student loan payments. Instead, I enjoyed spending that money - on eating out more than I should, on things I didn't need and who knows what else. 

After AJ and I got married, we realized neither of us was good with money. A super great combination. HA! We continued to enjoy a lifestyle that was not extravagant but was also not necessarily within our budget. But how would we have known? We didn't have a budget back then. Between some poor life decisions, low-paying jobs and some big moves, we quickly racked up our credit card debt. We were also feeling the sting of those overdraft fees on our checking account. We were living paycheck to paycheck and often we didn't have enough each month. AJ and I both deferred our student loans payments a few different times to help ease the burden. We just had not figured out how to properly manage our money. 

During this time, my parents offered to pay for us to attend a Dave Ramsey course. We jumped at the opportunity, sick of our financial situation. And we learned a lot of great things. We learned we had a lot of work ahead of us. But we got excited about the process. You bet we cut up our credit cards! You bet we put up a debt snowball sheet on our fridge. That looked incredibly daunting, by the way! 

But we did start chipping away. We knew what needed to be done. 

I wish I could say that the start of this journey started back then. But that's not true. Soon, AJ's addiction continued to grow into a larger issue. At some desperate points, AJ would find a doctor to give him pills, but because insurance had already been used, he'd pay out of pocket for them. That was never cheap. On top of that, we had medical bills from the few times AJ ended up in the hospital or at treatment because of his addiction. His addiction kept him from work at times and with those bills piling up, it felt like a very dark place. 

I do not hold this against AJ. He was sick. But it got to the point where I had to start making some difficult decisions to keep Jacob and I financially secure. We got different checking accounts. We got divorced. Although, even after that, I still continued to help AJ financially. He was the father to my son. He was the man I loved. I didn't want to see him fail. It took me until a couple of months after our divorce before I was finally strong enough to break that pattern. 

I think the tipping point for me when I was truly able to start this journey came once we moved back to Minnesota. We moved in with my parents, what we thought would be a temporary stay. And three years later, I'm still in the basement. I believe that this, above all else, has been key to my success. My parents have been too fortunate and kind allowing Jacob and I to live there. While we agreed on some monthly rent, they would also allow me to skip that some months if I had other bills to pay. I had no utility bills. We share streaming services. I'll pitch in to buy some groceries. But the amount of money I've saved by living with my parents is a huge contribution to my debt-free journey. And I am incredibly grateful to them. 

I finally started working my debt snowball seriously. Each debt that was paid off, I added that amount to my next debt. It makes a huge difference. Any extra money I got from Christmas or a tax refund went to pay off some debt. I had some inheritance money that I received that also went straight to my debt. I've worked a seasonal second job for the past three years and have used that money to pay off my debt. 

I also started to actually use the budget I had created for myself. A detailed budget that included all of my expenses, how much money from each paycheck and where the money could be spent. This has helped me to avoid extra spending - not always - but much more often! Each paycheck has a designated set of bills to pay. Another life hack I used was when putting my budget together, I would round down on the amount of money each paycheck would be and round up on my bills. This would generally ensure I had enough money and even some extra at times. This was helpful for those extra and sometimes unexpected bills. I also always had my debt totals right next to my budget so would remember what I was working towards. 

It was only because of each of these things, each of these circumstances, that I am at the place I'm at today. And I'm also not quite there. 

My last remaining debt is my car payment, which some argue whether or not that should qualify under debt. But it is a monthly payment that I make. Plus, if you ask Dave Ramsey, he's all about buying cars with cash! But, I hope to have my car paid off within the next year. 

I do have a couple of credit cards with some charges on them. But I only use them for big purchases and always make more than the minimal payment required. I no longer rely on credit cards to pay my bills or help me survive until the next paycheck. 

And I finally got that saving-thing down. I'm contributing towards my retirement. I'm putting money aside for Jacob's schooling one day. I've got money from every paycheck that never comes to my checking account and instead goes into a separate savings account - even at a different establishment than my every day bank. I have an app on my phone that rounds up the extra cents from each purchase and saves them in another account. I try not to spend any $5 bills I receive and instead stick them away somewhere. I've even added "additional savings" to my budget for things like medical bills, car costs, etc. 

I will still claim that I am no money expert. But I am finally in a place that I feel confident about my financial situation. I feel more financially secure than I ever have. And I also can see a bright future ahead of being able to live and enjoy life without being financially insecure. And that is truly an amazing feeling. 

Memories and Letting Go

It's been one month. One month since he's been gone. One month since every single thing in life was changed. 

Thanks to social media apps like TimeHop, it's easy to remember what happened on this day one year ago, two years ago, etc. A couple of days ago, this picture showed up in my memories... 

There was no caption, but I remembered exactly when this picture was taken. It was on our way to South Dakota. To drop Austin off at an inpatient treatment facility. I remember wanting to get a picture of Austin and Jacob playing so that Jacob would have something to look at while his dad was away. 

And then yesterday, another memory, an old blog post. Again, from one year ago. The Struggles of Addiction in the Family. You see, it was just one year ago that there seemed to be this shift of change in our lives. Although, we had no idea what was coming. 

When I shared this post on Facebook last year, I said it was a raw and rambling post. And as I re-read it, I could feel those raw emotions open inside of me again. Only this time, they were tainted. Tainted with grief, with unimaginable sorrow, with the knowledge that our story did not have a happy ending. 

Re-reading that post was painful. Painful to think about everything that happened next over the course of 12 months. Painful to think about things that were said or done out of anger. Painful to think about how much could change in just one year. Painful to think about how it all ended. Just one month ago. 

I so wish that Austin could have gotten his happy ending. I wanted that for him so much. I couldn't tell you what I thought the future looked like for the two of us, but I wanted him happy, healthy, sober and to be the best dad he could be for Jacob. 

Instead, those of us who loved Austin are left here to deal with this abrupt change; this abrupt end. There will most likely be so many unanswered questions. So much that we will never know. That is probably one of the hardest things. But at the end of that blog post from a year ago, I wrote this: 

"...let go and let God."

In fact, I even have that reminder tattooed on my wrist now. The only thing I can do is to let go of those questions and unknown answers. Let go of what I don't understand. And let God take control. Let God comfort me. Let God bring peace to me. Let God. 

And so that is what I must do. I must ask God to comfort me. To bring me peace. Because I do know that Austin is finally at peace. I know that he is in a better place. I know that he is in the presence of the Lord. 

A recap of Spring

Life continues to move at fast pace around here. I can't believe tomorrow is already June. I can't believe my little man is going to four soon!! 

Work has been crazy. We've been trying to fill some positions for a while and that always keeps things interesting - especially when you work at a small nonprofit. The work never stops. We finished our first ever Hats, Horses & Hope fundraiser. The weather was beautiful and overall, the day was a success. We definitely learned a lot and know what changes we'd make in the future. We also made some money! Which is always helpful when doing a fundraising event. We also found out our Executive Director is leaving for another job. This has been hard to process. We have a great team, a great energy and a lot of passion. In the close to 2 years that I've been with PAH, our executive director has been a major point in all of that. While I'm happy for her new job opportunity, I am also incredibly sad. And while I had hoped the summer would slow down a little, it now appears that I'll be helping get our new executive director started. Like I said, the work never stops. :) 

Personally, life has been.... _____. Who knows. Fill in the blank. AJ and I have struggled (I have struggled) some in defining what our relationship looks like now with the divorce. I'm still working through this. I still love him and I still care about him and I still want to support him, but I can't do that as his wife anymore. I'm not sure how to do this yet. 

AJ was recently asked to leave the halfway house he was completing treatment at. This is his story to tell but he found himself without a place to live. Since being at the halfway house, he hasn't been able to come over and visit much and spend much time with Jacob. Most of the time we would see him would be quick visits and almost never at the house. Well the night AJ found himself without a place to live, he came over, played with Jacob and helped put him to bed. That night, I didn't think about sharing anything about what was happening with Jacob. I should have. 

The next morning, he woke up calling for his daddy. When I told him that daddy had to leave last night and was no longer there, Jacob told me "I want to play with daddy. I want to go visit daddy's house soon". Later on the car ride to daycare, Jacob asked me where daddy was, if he was at House of Hope. (We had told Jacob that daddy was living there while he was working on getting better, but nothing more specific). I told him I wasn't sure right now. Then Jacob asked, "Is daddy fixed yet?" 

This broke my heart. It shattered my illusion that I had been successful at protecting Jacob from everything that's been happening. It caused me to question if I've been doing any of this right with Jacob. How much do you tell a three year old? How much detail do you go into? How do you tell him his parents aren't together anymore? I don't have the answers for any of these questions. But Jacob has not been oblivious. 

AJ was able to go stay with his parents for awhile and has found a place to live, is looking for a job and to get back into an outpatient treatment program. But he's no longer in the area. And we have to figure out how to explain this to Jacob. 

Luckily, Jacob was able to go spend some time in Iowa over the Memorial Day weekend with his daddy, cousin Evie and Nana and Papa Z. It sounds like they all had a blast and that Jacob and Evie played hard together! I also think that Jacob really enjoyed the time with just his daddy around - I know AJ did. :) 

I spent the holiday weekend on my self-care. Indulging in some foods I've been trying to avoid in order to eat healthier, catching up on movies I've been wanting to see and TV shows that are impossible to watch with a toddler running around. :) I even got a massage on Saturday and it was wonderful heaven. On Sunday I got to see some cousins who I don't get to see nearly enough and then spent the evening/night in the Twin Cities with two girl friends who I also don't get to see nearly enough. It was a fantastic time to just escape everything for a while, have some fun, but also catch up and have some really great conversations with some really important people to me. 

I think we're looking forward to summer around here and being able to enjoy the warmer weather and spend more time outdoors. Looking back on the past few weeks, Easter was good. We enjoyed having Uncle Dan and Josh and Aunt Megan down, Jacob went on an Easter egg hunt, found his Easter basket from the Easter Bunny and just enjoyed being the center of attention with everyone around. :) My Grandpa's service up at Fort Snelling and the funeral in Mankato were days filled with memories, love, laughter, tears and family. I felt very blessed for such an amazing family. 

I also bought a new car! I finally decided it was time to upgrade and purchased a 2014 Honda CR-V. I'm really loving the extra space and will really enjoy the All-wheel drive this winter! Jacob is also a big fan. :)

Jacob sang really well with his Rainbow Room class for the end of the year. They sang "This little light is mine" and Jacob was front and center! :) However, within the next two days, we were at the doctor's office battling an ear infection. Jacob was not a fan of his medicine! But bribery works. Ha!! 

Mother's Day was a great day. Jacob did a great job sitting through two church services while I sang. We enjoyed a nice meal with some family and spent the day just enjoying each other's company. :) I am so blessed to be Jacob's mother. He may push my buttons more often than not, but I wouldn't change him for the world! I love that kid. 

Stand in the Rain

The past week.... has sucked. I feel run-down. I feel defeated. I feel low. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. 

At the beginning of last week, I was in South Dakota, visiting Austin at Keystone as part of the family program. While Austin has been working the program and putting a lot of effort into this recovery, it was still a hard day. A lot of information to process. A lot of stories to hear from other families. A lot of your own personal feelings to process. 

I feel hopeful for Austin's recovery at this point but was also reminded about how fragile it is and how easily it could still slip away. I feel grateful that Austin's addiction wasn't to anything harder or his journey more difficult, but still must remember that he is just as sick. I feel unsettled at the thought of how to put our lives back together with Austin sober. I feel hopeless when wondering how to start the process of trusting Austin again. 

The family program was two days but I could only stay on Monday. After 12 hours at Keystone, I made it home shortly before midnight. Tuesday morning I was at the justice center, in front of a judge, explaining why my marriage was not repairable. 

Ironically, after spending the day with Austin at Keystone and seeing him take responsibility for his addiction and sobriety, I started to feel hopeful about our future together. Maybe this could work. I no longer felt that we were at our lowest point. So while I had that hope in my heart, I still logically knew the divorce needed to happen. The biggest reasons being Jacob and financial security. 

The judge said he's sign off on the papers later that day. We were officially divorced. 

On Wednesday morning, I got a message from my dad around 9:00am, my Grandpa R. had passed away. He had been on hospice care since February so while the death was not a big surprise, it was a loss all the same. Luckily, I had been up to see him just a week before but was really hoping to make it up there once more before he passed. But Grandpa was ready to go. And the one thought that keeps running though my head is how happy he must be to be with Grandma again. 

On top of all that, it was of course Holy Week which meant that with a Mom as a pastor and as a member of the church choir, it was a busy second half of the week. Austin also completed treatment at Keystone and moved back to Mankato to the House of Hope, a halfway house where he'll live and continue outpatient treatment. 

Every day feels like I'm just going through the motions. Doing what I need to do to get by, but not much more. With still so much going on at work and taking care of Jacob, I feel like I can't afford to "waste time" mourning the loss of my marriage, wondering about the future with Austin or even properly grieving for my Grandpa. Everything happened so quickly together that I haven't had time or I haven't let myself process all those feelings I know are inside somewhere. Honestly, I'm not even sure how to process these feelings. 

Last Wednesday, as I drove to church for choir practice, it was raining and the song "Stand in the Rain" by SuperChick came across my playlist. You know when you find that song that perfectly describes your current life or a current moment in life, this was that for me. I listened to it on repeat the whole way to church and I think the whole way home. 

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

The struggles of addiction in the family.

I'm struggling. 

I feel like I'm floating in this empty space between "I don't know" and "I can't". 

Life has been hard recently. Signed divorced papers. Visiting ailing grandparents. Living with a growing and stubborn three year old. A lot going on at work. And sending someone I love and care about to treatment. 

How often do you feel like giving up? And what does it mean to you when you say that - "I want to just give up". 

Jacob, bless his adorable little heart, has been going through a phase where he wants to "cuddle mommy for little bit" before bed. Often times it ends up as "sleeping in mommy's bed". Which means less sleep for me. Then there was one morning - after a late night of crying - a fit was thrown and I think I spent a good 20 minutes wrestling a crying and flailing little boy into his clothes. I wanted to give up that day. 

At work, we recently finished our big fundraiser and immediately jumped into our next and new fundraiser. There's been a ton of work with follow up for both events. Some days I feel like I'm completely new at this job again and unsure that my talents are skills are good enough to complete what needs to be finished. It's those days that I want to give up. 

When I say I want to give up, I mostly mean I want to go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day. Or I want to just get away for a small vacation and forget the realities of every day life. Something that sounds great, but not easily done.

Austin has said a couple times recently that he just wants to get to treatment. That things seem to be spinning out of control - out of his control. Maybe he was struggling with giving up or giving in. And then he called me last week and said he'd be starting treatment in a week. 

Something felt different about treatment this time. I can't tell you what though. Maybe it was because Austin did the work of starting the process himself. I can tell you that I couldn't wait for him to start treatment. I kept thinking that once he's in treatment, I'll know where he is. I'll know he'll be safe. But this past week leading up to treatment has not been an easy one. 

It was filled with realizations that probably scared Austin, knowing that his life was at a crossroads, no longer able to continue the way it was. Those scared feelings caused fights and arguments that were not really about whatever it was we were fighting about. It was filled with avoidance and not much communication. It was filled with a lot of "just want to give up" feelings. 

I really can't explain the toll that addiction takes on your family. You just can't understand unless you've experienced yourself. And that's something I wouldn't wish on anyone. 

Austin's parents, Jacob and myself drove Austin to treatment. Jacob and I didn't get to see Austin off the last time he tried treatment. It was nice to have the opportunity to do that this time. I also realized that as we dropped Austin off, it was probably the last time I'd see him as my husband. And that was confirmed to me this morning as I received an email with a court hearing date. When he leaves treatment, we will officially be divorced. This was weighing on me. As we left, I didn't feel that relief that I was hoping for, that I was counting on. Instead there was only extreme sadness and nervousness. 

When I got home and explained these feelings to my mom, she said I haven't let go. And I thought "Of course not!" 

How do you let go of someone you thought you'd be spending the rest of your life with? How do you let go of the father of your child? How do you let go of someone who you love and only want the best for? How do you let go of someone when they have no one else around? 

And this is where the problem lies. 

I've always been the type of person who cares too much. Maybe that's not the right way to put this. I'm the type of person who would do whatever I could to protect those I love from any harm. I don't want those I love to have to experience any kind pain or sadness. I would gladly take it all on myself so that those I love would know no such thing. I was protective of my sister and brother growing up. My heart aches for others when I know they're in pain. My heart aches even when I hear stories of those I don't know who are sad or in pain.

I'm a problem solver. If there's a problem, I want to fix it. I want to work until we have a solution to fix the problem. Especially if that problem causes hurt or sadness. I want to take away your pain. I want to fix whatever it is that needs fixing so that you can be happy. I want to put you first. 

I vowed that this year would be the year of me. The year I put Jacob and myself first. But I'm really struggling with that. 

Right now I'm worried about Austin. I'm worried about if he's going to make it through treatment. I'm worried about what he means when he says "I want to give up". I'm worried about the life he'll have upon leaving treatment. I'm worried that treatment won't help. 

And I know - I know, logically, that none of that is up to me. It is all up to Austin - his decisions, his actions. And I know I should be focusing on myself and on Jacob. But how do you do that? How do you just stop worrying? 

I apologize that this post has no flow and probably doesn't make any sense. But that's also the way life feels lately. I am working on putting Jacob and myself first. I'm trying to focus on the now, trying to really treasure my time with Jacob. I'm trying to spend more time reading with him or playing with him. (This is also probably the reason I don't fight the "cuddle mommy a little bit" as much as I should) I'm going to keep going to Al-Anon meetings. I'm going to keep trying to find time to sit down with God every day and do my bible journaling. I'm going to try to do more things that make me happy.  

But at the same time, at least for a little while longer, I'm struggling. Struggling with the consequences of Austin's actions before he left for treatment. Struggling with essentially acting as a single parent while Austin's in treatment. Struggling to find the balance between worrying about a loved one and worrying about my own happiness. I'm mourning. Mourning the end of my marriage. Mourning for the life I wanted. 

And still, here I am, floating. Floating inside this addiction-created bubble. Feeling lonely and sad. 

Here's to figuring out how to pop that bubble and let go and let God. 

A Reflection on 2016

I've been awful at blogging this past year. Just awful. I really hope to start doing better again because I really enjoy going back and reading old blog posts when they show up in my Time-hop app. They can be so insightful and mostly just fun to reminisce. I'd like to say that I'll do better next year but I can make no such promises. If anything, I've learned that life is too unpredictable for that.

So. 2016. Quite frankly, it was a little bit of a ... well just not that great. I'm sure you've seen some posts or the memes... 

It was just a crazy year. For pretty much everyone.

For the Zaruba family personally... well it was another roller coaster of a year. 

2016 started out great. Megan and I went to Hawaii and it was an amazing trip. It was also the longest Megan and I have spent together just the two of us in a long time and I won't lie - we were reminded how different we can be sometimes! :) But overall the trip was the perfect getaway and relaxation I think we both needed. It's also become one of my favorite places I've ever visited. I would definitely go back. 

In the winter, Jacob enjoyed playing in the snow. Over the year we've done swimming lessons, ECFE classes and some other fun activities. It's so much fun to do these things with him as he gets older and can really understand and interact. We've visited a couple Children's museums, went to a Twins game, a pumpkin patch, Jacob vacationed up north with Nana and Papa, he spend a week down in Iowa with Nana and Papa Zaruba and cousin Evie. He started going to Sunday School in the Rainbow Room at church, we went swimming at the lake, we went to a tractor pull, the state fair and we even went to the zoo and saw the dinosaurs!! 

Jacob continues to grow up so much every day. I often tell him he needs to stay little but he replies, "No mommy, I get bigger!" :) He loves telling people that he's getting bigger. He loves talking and telling stories. He loves asking questions - about everything. :) He's learning so much more and exploring every day. He really is the light and joy of my life. 

Work is still going great. I hit my one year mark and finally felt like I had a better understanding of everything needed to do this job. New things continue to pop up but I'm loving every day. I still get that feeling of worth and purpose knowing I am helping make a difference for people in our community. In February, our Pedal Past Poverty fundraiser was a huge success, raising the most money we have ever raised so that was definitely a huge highlight! It was so rewarding to see all that hard work pay off. Overall, we've had a great year and continue to get more and more visibility within the community. We're still working hard to get a larger shelter and more affordable housing. I'm hoping to start expanding some of my roles here too and help with grant writing and getting involved with some of the political aspects and learning what we can do to gain more affordable housing. 

I joined the choir at Christ the King and have really enjoyed getting back into singing. It fills a hole I didn't know was there. And our choir director really pushes us hard! I learned very quickly how musically out of shape I've been! :) I thought about joining a local community choir this fall as well but decided to take a second job instead. Probably my craziest idea of the year. I worked part time during the months of September and October at a local costume company doing customer service. The month of October was particularly crazy and stressful but I survived and really enjoyed the extra money. 

In May we went up to Fargo to watch Dan graduate. It was so amazing and fun to see him in his element in the lab and graduating from such a big school! It was actually the only time I made it to Fargo while he was at NDSU! Jacob and I ended up going on a last minute vacation with my parents in early December and we spent a weekend visiting Meg. It's always so much fun to go visit her and attend her church services. This weekend was no different. Then we spent a majority of the week over at a little cottage on Lake Superior between Duluth and Two Harbors. It was a perfect getaway to just relax and reflect. I'd definitely go back. 

Austin has worked at a few jobs this year, trying to find a good fit for him. He also moved into a lower costing apartment which will be really helpful as he continues to try and get back on his feet. With his addiction and things with us... it's been tough. A lot of ups and downs. Going forward in 2017, things are probably going to look different for us. But we continue to be a family and support each other when we can.  

Overall, between all the politics, the attacks, the hate, the deaths and the personal struggles, 2016 has not been easy. It's been a lot to deal with. And I've struggled with the idea of "where is God's love in all this?" I'm continuing with my bible journaling because it's really gotten me closer to God's word again. I continue to tell myself that I can only control me and my actions. That I must show God's love to others, to not hate, to be welcoming, to be understanding, to be helpful, to love. And so that's what I'm trying to do. To everyone. My husband. The people I work with. Those with different opinions that mine. Those I don't even know. 

Here's hoping that 2017 will be a little bit easier for us all. 

After 30

So I've struggled with the idea of this blog post for awhile. I wasn't sure where to start or what to say. And honestly, I'm still not. 

My last blog post had a note of positivity on the idea of turning 30. I was going to enter into the new decade with a fresh start. I'm sad to say that the day ended up being nothing that I would have ever imagined or wanted. 

By now, most of your have probably seen Austin's facebook post opening up about his addiction. It is something that we kept secret for so long that I'm still having a hard time talking about it even though Austin is being so open. 

There have been so many bumps and roadblocks in our short six years of marriage. And there have been so many mistakes - from both of us - that have caused us to struggle. We both should have handled some things differently. 

But what is in the past is in the past. Austin and I are both spending this time apart fixing ourselves. We hope that in time, we will be able to once again be together and work on fixing us. We lost sight of who we were but we've started to see glimpses again. 

What's interesting to me is that a couple of old blog posts have showed up in my Timehop app from a few years ago. It seems that for as much as I love fall, it also seems to be a time when Austin and I struggle a lot. The one blog post that really struck a chord was Little Things & Sand Dunes. 

When I wrote this blog post, Austin and I were living apart but for very different circumstances. It's ironic that we're in a somewhat similar position now. But what I found to be most inspiring about this post, is what I wrote about sand dunes. 

For every step you take, you go back a little because there is nothing firm to find your footing on.

It seems that Austin and I are climbing the biggest sand dune of our marriage yet. And it must be one hell of a dune because this climb is so much harder than anything we've ever had to do before. But if we keep climbing, I think we'll be able to reach the top together.

I wish I could describe to you what these past few weeks have been like, but I honestly have no words. What I do want to say is thank you. Thank you for all the support you have shown both Austin and myself during this difficult time. Your support and your prayers have been very welcomed. We really do appreciate it.