My Journey to be Debt-Free

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while now. As I inch closer and closer to my ultimate goal of being debt-free. 

Recently, I did a thing. A huge, very adult thing. I made my last ever student loan payment. Eleven years after graduating college. Which isn't too bad, considering they generally set you up on a ten-year repayment plan and there was more than once I had to defer my loan payments or get those payments lowered. 

I am forever grateful for my experience at college. I wouldn't change it for the world. But it is a huge relief, a huge burden lifted to be finally done making payments on my student loans. 

I've been on this debt-free journey for a few years now. But before I tell you my story, I need you to know that getting to this point took some hard lessons being learned, it meant making sacrifices, it meant working hard but it also took a lot of luck. I've been very fortunate in some of my circumstances that have made this journey easier than it could have been. 

I will be the first to admit that I am no money expert. In fact, for most of my life, money was definitely not my strong suit. Just ask my sister. She loves to tell people how I supposedly "bullied" her into sharing her allowance and saved money when we were on vacation. Haha!! She's also not wrong. I liked to spend money, not save it. And that can be a hard habit to break. 

I had summer jobs growing up and worked my way through college so I knew the value of hard work and money being earned. After college, I landed a job that paid very well but I hate to admit that I was foolish with that money. Looking back, I just cringe at the thought. I was making more money than I needed at the time. Yet, I was not good at saving it or putting it towards student loan payments. Instead, I enjoyed spending that money - on eating out more than I should, on things I didn't need and who knows what else. 

After AJ and I got married, we realized neither of us was good with money. A super great combination. HA! We continued to enjoy a lifestyle that was not extravagant but was also not necessarily within our budget. But how would we have known? We didn't have a budget back then. Between some poor life decisions, low-paying jobs and some big moves, we quickly racked up our credit card debt. We were also feeling the sting of those overdraft fees on our checking account. We were living paycheck to paycheck and often we didn't have enough each month. AJ and I both deferred our student loans payments a few different times to help ease the burden. We just had not figured out how to properly manage our money. 

During this time, my parents offered to pay for us to attend a Dave Ramsey course. We jumped at the opportunity, sick of our financial situation. And we learned a lot of great things. We learned we had a lot of work ahead of us. But we got excited about the process. You bet we cut up our credit cards! You bet we put up a debt snowball sheet on our fridge. That looked incredibly daunting, by the way! 

But we did start chipping away. We knew what needed to be done. 

I wish I could say that the start of this journey started back then. But that's not true. Soon, AJ's addiction continued to grow into a larger issue. At some desperate points, AJ would find a doctor to give him pills, but because insurance had already been used, he'd pay out of pocket for them. That was never cheap. On top of that, we had medical bills from the few times AJ ended up in the hospital or at treatment because of his addiction. His addiction kept him from work at times and with those bills piling up, it felt like a very dark place. 

I do not hold this against AJ. He was sick. But it got to the point where I had to start making some difficult decisions to keep Jacob and I financially secure. We got different checking accounts. We got divorced. Although, even after that, I still continued to help AJ financially. He was the father to my son. He was the man I loved. I didn't want to see him fail. It took me until a couple of months after our divorce before I was finally strong enough to break that pattern. 

I think the tipping point for me when I was truly able to start this journey came once we moved back to Minnesota. We moved in with my parents, what we thought would be a temporary stay. And three years later, I'm still in the basement. I believe that this, above all else, has been key to my success. My parents have been too fortunate and kind allowing Jacob and I to live there. While we agreed on some monthly rent, they would also allow me to skip that some months if I had other bills to pay. I had no utility bills. We share streaming services. I'll pitch in to buy some groceries. But the amount of money I've saved by living with my parents is a huge contribution to my debt-free journey. And I am incredibly grateful to them. 

I finally started working my debt snowball seriously. Each debt that was paid off, I added that amount to my next debt. It makes a huge difference. Any extra money I got from Christmas or a tax refund went to pay off some debt. I had some inheritance money that I received that also went straight to my debt. I've worked a seasonal second job for the past three years and have used that money to pay off my debt. 

I also started to actually use the budget I had created for myself. A detailed budget that included all of my expenses, how much money from each paycheck and where the money could be spent. This has helped me to avoid extra spending - not always - but much more often! Each paycheck has a designated set of bills to pay. Another life hack I used was when putting my budget together, I would round down on the amount of money each paycheck would be and round up on my bills. This would generally ensure I had enough money and even some extra at times. This was helpful for those extra and sometimes unexpected bills. I also always had my debt totals right next to my budget so would remember what I was working towards. 

It was only because of each of these things, each of these circumstances, that I am at the place I'm at today. And I'm also not quite there. 

My last remaining debt is my car payment, which some argue whether or not that should qualify under debt. But it is a monthly payment that I make. Plus, if you ask Dave Ramsey, he's all about buying cars with cash! But, I hope to have my car paid off within the next year. 

I do have a couple of credit cards with some charges on them. But I only use them for big purchases and always make more than the minimal payment required. I no longer rely on credit cards to pay my bills or help me survive until the next paycheck. 

And I finally got that saving-thing down. I'm contributing towards my retirement. I'm putting money aside for Jacob's schooling one day. I've got money from every paycheck that never comes to my checking account and instead goes into a separate savings account - even at a different establishment than my every day bank. I have an app on my phone that rounds up the extra cents from each purchase and saves them in another account. I try not to spend any $5 bills I receive and instead stick them away somewhere. I've even added "additional savings" to my budget for things like medical bills, car costs, etc. 

I will still claim that I am no money expert. But I am finally in a place that I feel confident about my financial situation. I feel more financially secure than I ever have. And I also can see a bright future ahead of being able to live and enjoy life without being financially insecure. And that is truly an amazing feeling. 

One Year Later

It's been one year since you left us forever. 

There was no warning.
No goodbyes.
No explanation. 

When I think about this date one year ago, it seems that the year went by incredibly quick. But when I think about the past year, it seems nonexistent, like time stopped all together. 

When you left, it brought a painful end to a number of struggles. But it also brought a painful beginning to new struggles. 

Over the past year, I've had thoughts and feelings and emotions that I didn't know where possible to have. I experienced grief on an entirely new level. I've been reading books and articles on grief and they comfort me because I don't think anyone can truly understand what it's like to really understand grief until they experience it personally. It's a strange thing. 

One year ago, our lives changed forever. One year ago, I can remember clearly when I found out, yet the next few days, weeks are fuzzy. One year ago, I started asking questions knowing that I would probably never find the answers. One year ago, I had to tell the sweetest four-year-old that you were gone forever. 

There is not a day that goes by when I don't think about you. Probably not even an hour. 

Sometimes I still feel shocked that you're gone. There is always sadness and pain. And I've also felt a lot of anger. The grief can be all-consuming. 

I've waited over the past year, prayed, hoped, wished for some sort of closure. Maybe a letter from you will show up in the mail. Maybe it wouldn't provide all the answers to the questions I have, but would give me something. I'd be lying if I said I still don't pray for that some days. 

I've struggled to understand. To understand why. To understand what you were feeling. To understand why you felt this was your only way out. To understand if there was something more I didn't know. To understand how you could leave Jacob and me. One year later, I still don't understand any of it. 

You've been gone for one year. Although, if I'm being honest, in a way, you were gone long before then. Yet I couldn't tell you if that makes the physical lost of you harder or easier. 

One year later. I'm still not okay. This is not okay. I'm not sure this will ever be okay. 


--
I believe that the first anniversary* of a death is always going to be extremely hard, yet this week has been more than I imagined it would be. In some strange, cruel twist of fate or irony - I don't know - I have been forced to essentially relive these three days or so from exactly one year ago. 

That Thursday night one year ago, it was Kindergarten Round Up at school. We had pretty much decided that Jacob wasn't going to go to Kindergarten but planned on attending the evening to learn more about the Knights Plus program. This Thursday night, Jacob and I attended the Kindergarten Round Up as he prepares to enter Kindergarten next fall. 

Last year, I don't remember exactly, but Jacob stayed home. I think he wasn't feeling good. When I talked/texted Austin, he decided he wasn't going to come or I told him it wasn't necessary since Jacob wasn't with me. He also might have been stuck working later than he originally thought. I think that was the last time I talked to him. I can't remember if he called later that night to say goodnight to Jacob, as was our ritual. I want to say he did. 

I can't stop thinking about what could have happened if he had come with that night. Would I have been able to see his struggles? Would I be able to tell something was off? What if Jacob had come along? Would seeing Jacob that night made a difference? I logically understand that the outcome was probably never mine to change, but that doesn't stop the thoughts from coming. 

Then Friday. What should have been a normal and uneventful day at the office until everything changed. I almost found myself constantly looking behind me, waiting for a co-worker to come and tell me that the sheriff deputy was there and wanted to talk to me. I left work early; I couldn't be in the building around that same time one year later. I also had a doctor's appointment scheduled, a yearly check-in. Last year, this happened the Monday after it happened. I remember going, feeling like a hot mess of emotions. This year's appointment felt no different. Although there was more anger. Anger that I had to be having these conversations about my mental well-being at literally the worst time of the year.

And Saturday, the actually anniversary date. Last year, there was nothing but fog and sadness. I remember basically nothing. Will today be the same?  

It feels like I've been watching and performing in some slow-moving movie where I know what's going to happen, but can't stop it from happening. It's felt a bit like torture actually. 

This is hard. This is nothing like anything I could have expected. There are so many feelings it's hard to adequately describe how I feel or tell you how I'm doing. I just know that for right now, I am not okay. But for right now, that's okay. 




*Why is there not a better term for the annual recurrence of events that are not happy or celebratory? Can we create one? 'Anniversary' just seems too happy. 

Our Current Struggles

Some days, the struggle is so much harder. I mean, it's never easy. But then there are those days where it kicks you in the ass. 

It seems I've been having more of those really tough struggle days lately. I wish I knew why these are happening. But do we ever really know? 

I hate "playing this card", but being a single mom is hard. I hate playing that card because I still question whether I can call myself a single mom when I live with my parents. But for the most part, taking care of Jacob falls solely on my shoulders.

Jacob has taken on some very difficult personality traits lately. Luckily, this is not 24/7 but it's enough to be draining. He will openly ignore me when I'm asking him not to do something naughty. He has been demanding of the things he wants rather than asking nicely for them as he was taught. And then he gets super upset when he doesn't get what he wants. He's been refusing to get dressed or pick up his toys, claiming he can't do it when he's perfectly capable. 

And I get it. He's four. He's so little and is dealing with big emotions. I understand that, I do. But as a single parent, you take 100% of the blunt force of these emotions. And I can't quite explain how emotionally draining that is for you, as the parent. 

But what's really been a struggle... bedtime. Jacob has become very persistent about wanting to "sleep with mommy in the tall bed". (aka, Mommy's bed) And I mean super persistent. He'll cry and scream and throw a fit. He won't stay in his own bed, continuing to make the trip to my room over and over. Climbing into my bed. I'll put him in the crib (yes, I still have the crib set up - no he hasn't tried climbing out of it), but then the bloody murder screams will start. Some nights I try to out last him. But the kid is stubborn. And he normally wins. One, I hate the fact that his screams keep my parents up (their bedroom right above his) and two, with school starting school, I know that trying to get him to go to bed earlier rather than later is pretty important. 

And then the knife twist happens... through all of this, all the screaming, the tears, are the words he'll say to me. 

"I want to cuddle with mommy because I love you. I love cuddling with mommy. I love you mommy. Cuddling with you is fun. Please, mommy. I want to cuddle." 

He knows how to pull at the heartstrings. And this is where I struggle. This is where I go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth again. 

He's only little once. There will come a day where he'll want nothing to do with me, much less want to cuddle in my bed. Soon he will be too big for all of that. Soon he'll think he won't need me anymore. Soon it might not be so easy to get the words "I love you" out of him. 

And so after a full day of maneuvering big emotions from a little person, being asked a thousand questions, each a hundred times, being climbed on by someone who doesn't understand personal space and always needing to be present and paying attention to this little person, I am tired. 

I am in desperate need of some 'me time'. I just want to catch up on social media. I want to read my book. I want to watch an adult-only show. I want to spend some time in the quiet, reflecting. I want to lay on the bed with no one kicking me or pushing me. I want to eat some ice cream without sharing. 

But often, I lose this fight. I hear his words and they cut deep. I hear his desperate want to be near me. Sometimes I feel like I can hear some fear in his cries. 

Because this is where else we're struggling. We're struggling with finding a consistent routine for Jacob to see his dad. Between end of summer vacations and crazy work schedules, those visits have been less than normal. And its when that happens, when it's been longer than "normal" since he's seen his dad, I can see a change a home. 

Jacob acts like he has to constantly be in my sight. He always wants me paying attention. If I wander downstairs, I'll hear him yelling for me "Mommy where did you go?" If Nana picks him up from daycare and I'm not home when they get home, "Where is my mommy?" Even in the morning when I get out of bed to shower, "where are you going mommy?" It's enduring, but exhausting. I guess I can't tell you 100% that these reactions are a result of him seeing less of his dad, but it certainly feels that way.

Also, I have to say here, I'm not placing blame on anyone. We're still trying to figure out this whole co-parenting thing. I'm also not looking for advice. Yes, I should stop this habit before it gets out of control. Yes, I should just cuddle him while he's still little. I'll figure it out. Or I won't, and we'll just move on to the next thing. Sometimes I just need to write out my thoughts and feelings to help me process them. To make sense of them. Maybe this last paragraph should be my disclaimer on all blog posts. Haha!