COVID-19 March 16, 2020

It's hard to know where to start. We're living during a time like none other before. The use of social media and apps like TimeHop will be helpful in remembering all the events that have led us to this current place. Because that really is a beast of its own. 

I've decided what I want to do is blog my personal experience during these COVID days. It has been insane how quickly the situation continues to change, day by day and hour by hour even. 

I was suppose to take a trip to Seattle, leaving March 26. If you were to talk to me just one week ago, I was still fairly confident that I would be going. But by Wednesday of last week, that started to falter and then it faltered quickly. We have postponed the trip. 

On Friday, Gov. Walz held a press conference letting Minnesotans know he was "opening the toolbox" to make sure we had all our tools prepared and ready to go when we need them. By Sunday, he held another conference to state that all schools would close by Wed. March 18 for two weeks for educators to prepare for long-distance learning. Tonight he's announced certain closures for bars, restaurants and other businesses. It is a crazy, crazy time. 

For me, I work at the YMCA. I'm the Marketing Director. It's a whole team of... well, me. I have to admit that it wasn't until Friday of last week that I realized, "hey, I'm the one that's responsible for coordinating and managing all of our communication out to members as the Y makes some tough decisions!" Ha ha. I can honestly say that I never imagined being in charge of an organization's communication and marketing plan during a worldwide pandemic. Why don't they teach you to prepare for that sort of stuff in college?!? 

The days are not necessarily 9-5 right now. (even now I can hear my phone chiming with the sound of incoming emails...) Some of the excitement started in on Sunday night, needing to make some announcements. And it extended into today. I have to add here that today was, if possible, even more chaotic than it could have been. Our Executive Director was home with the flu (awful timing!) and another senior manager was on her way back from out East. It's hard to make decisions when some of your leadership isn't readily available. But, we made it work. 

But once we decided what we finally wanted to say, we weren't ready for the questions we were going to get. It was a reminder of just how difficult and confusing this time is right now - for everyone. There is no roadmap, no template on how to do this. We're making it up as we go. 

Many of the questions we were getting was about membership. For our already busy membership director, things were going to get worse. And so one of the accomplishments I was proud of today was creating a standard response that could be sent to all members, directing them to our website where they were asked to fill out a form with their specific membership update request. We got the form created and online and are hopeful that it will help us process the requests in a more timely manner. 

I also needed to add a section to our webpage where we could continue to update members on different programming and such. One central location they can go to see everything we've had to say so far, and see how quickly it continues to change. 

Tomorrow, we plan to create some sort of form that will work for our different programs as well. Anything to make this process a bit smoother. 

I also sent out a social media plan to the office staff, asking them to start brainstorming some specific ideas for their areas on how we can stay present on social media while the Y is closed. 

It was an exhausting day. And it made me realize that if this was an exhausting day for me, I can't even imagine what it's been like and what it's going to continue to be like for our healthcare professionals, for our elected and community leaders, for those that continue to work on the frontlines of this. All I can do is lift those people up in prayer and ask God to provide them the strength they need. 

Today was also Jacob's first day with no school. Luckily his Aunt Meg is home for a couple of days and was able to take care of today. Once we got word that schools were closing, we started to plan some activities for Jacob. I downloaded some learning apps on the tablet. He was so excited to "homeschool". He said Meg was the teacher and that Papa was the principal. But that he didn't want to be sent to the principal's office (which was the bedroom because Papa is currently out with a cold). Haha. 

Even this morning, when I was in the shower, he came into the bathroom and sat on the floor with the tablet and said, "I'm so excited to learn!" He's too cute. 

But Megan did a great job with him today. They stuck to a schedule, Jacob had limited screen time and they even did the Doodles with Mo Willems! How fun! 

I've been extremely impressed by the number of companies offering up free online educational services, or virtual museum tours, or fun activities to help with the kids while they're home. Social media is proving to be a key factor in keeping us all connected while we're not together. 

A 2018 Update

It's officially June 2018 and I haven't done a proper update for any of 2018. Understandable, all things considered, but I still think it's important to provide an update. I love being able to go back and read old blog posts to see what sort of things were going on in our lives at that point. So, here it goes. 

The year started out like any other. Early in January, I auditioned for a local choir, Minnesota Valley Chorale and was offered a spot in the choir. I was excited to get back to more singing! I also underestimated the demand and level of excellence that was expected from me with the group. But I'm not complaining, it was like being back with the Wartburg Choir, and fun do to some really challenging pieces of music again. Unfortunately, we only got to perform one of our concerts, the other being cancelled by a blizzard. The experience was amazing and I hope to continue to be a part of the group! 

*****

Well, I started this post in June. It's now August 3rd. So this post seems to be going about the same as 2018, it feels like. Let's see if I can wrap this up. 

I also helped my aunt during the first two months as she ran for MN House Rep in a special election. It was a fun and crazy experience - I can't even image how crazy for her! And it also gave me a small idea of what it would be like if I ever decided to run for office and um... well, let's just say I'm not sure about that any more. :) 

Jacob continued to do great at preschool

*****

Seriously, I'm on a role. It's August 30th. Let's see if I can actually finish this thing. (I said this last time...)

Jacob continued to do great at preschool. This fall he'll be doing the Knights Plus program - basically a pre-kindergarden program for late spring/summer birthday kids. It's a level higher than preschool and he'll be at school five days a week for the full day. I'm really excited for this opportunity for Jacob! I think it's going to be the perfect fit for him. He's excited to get started, to able to ride the bus both to school and back to daycare, and we're excited to meet his teacher next week at conferences. 

Honestly, after February, much of the year so far seems a blur. Life obviously continued to go on and our lives were busy. But I think I was - and sometimes still - functioning on survival mode. 

I tried to stay present for Jacob. I set a goal to go on adventures this summer, just Jacob and I. And I'll admit, we didn't do nearly as many as I wanted. The few we did were very fun adventures though. I can't believe that summer is coming to end. It flew by. It seems like we were so busy yet didn't do anything. 

I did have some opportunities to hang out with old friends, ones I don't see to see very often. And I can't tell you how refreshing that is. I only wish we could do it more! But I'm grateful for these friendships and our time together and conversations. 

At the beginning of August, I got to do something I've never done before. I particpated in a 5K. I'm not big on the whole excerise thing. :) But this 5K had been planned in memory of Austin. Focus Up on Mental Health. Bringing awareness to mental health, donating the proceeds to NAMI. It was an honor to be a part of. It was good to honor AJ's memory. It felt like we were fighting for something, helping others. 

I love this picture of Jacob. Running to the finish line. As the group I was walking with entered the track again, Jacob joined us. While I thought he would walk with us, holding my hand, he took off, running the length of the track and across the finish line. I'm not sure Jacob truly understood what we were doing or why, but I do believe that his dad was with him at this moment. 

Earlier this month, we took our first big family vacation, with all of us kids now being adults. The seven us flew down to Florida to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday - it was totally a birthday wish come true for him! :) We spent three and half days in Orlando at Disney and Universal Studios. Jacob was an absolute champ. He surived all three park days without a stroller and at least 6 or 7 hours at the parks each day. There were of course some mini meltdowns and too many gifts bought... but I was very proud of how he did. We spent some time at the Kennedy Space Center and then a full day at Cocoa Beach. Thank goodness for the beach umbrellas at our Airbnb! Although a majority of us still got sunburned and I got stung by a jellyfish. So super fun times! :) Jacob loved the ocean and the waves and it was so amazing to experience his first trip to the ocean. Once we landed back in Minnesota, Jacob decided he could finally rest since vacation was over. Immediately after we got off the plane, Jacob fell asleep while my dad, Dan and I carried his dead weight through the airport. :) 

It was super hot in Florida and while that was nice some of the time - or all the time if you're my mom - it was nice to come back to some cooler weather. Although it immediately put me in the mood for fall. And yesterday seemed to be a step through that Summer-Fall transition. The weather has been cooler and sleeping with the windows open has been amazing. I had orienation at Fun.com where I'll work my third year doing customer service for their busy season. Worship choir rehearsal started back up again. And my calendar is quickly filling up with all those activities that come with school starting, church activities and other fall fun. 

I reread a post from this time last year and how I was hesitant to welcome fall. It's unbelievable how much as changed in a year. But I'm more ready for fall this year. I'm ready for this next season. I'm ready for the fresh start fall promises. I'm ready to turn a new leaf and start moving past survival mode. Now let's see if I can actually make that happen. 

My Not-So-Perfect Life

I just finished reading a book. Like, it's 10:30pm and I should be in bed sleeping but I just finished this book five minutes ago and can't turn off my brain so I'm sitting in the dark blogging. It was a novel - My (not-so) Perfect Life. It was a cute and fun read.

Warning - potential spoiler alert! Basically, the book is about this woman who tries to make it seem like her life is perfect when clearly, it isn't. Mostly done by posting glam'd up pictures to Instagram. In the end, she creates an Instagram account called "my not so perfect life" and posts *real* every day pictures.

At the end of the author's acknowledgements, she writes, "I hope your life lives up to your Instagram posts..." or something to that effect. But I think she's got it wrong. I think we should be saying, "I hope your Instagram lives up to your life." (me attempting to be a philosopher - HA!)

We all do this. We all look at someone else's social media posts and pictures and think, "Wow. They have a perfect life." We look at their pictures and think they've got the fancy house, they go on the fun exotic trips, they've got a big loving family, they've got the ideal job, etc. And in turn, we take a look at our own lives and can only see the struggles, what's wrong, what we don't want but have.

We get trapped in this spiral of jealousy and desire. We get stuck thinking about how our lives are so awful and not what we expected and how does everyone else get so lucky to have it all? But in reality, that's not true.

"Every time you see someone's bright-and-shiny, remember: They have their own crappy truths too. Of course they do. And every time you see your own crappy truth and feel despair and think, 'Is this my life?', remember: It's not. Everyone's got a bright-and-shiny, even if it's hard to find sometimes."

A quote from the book.  Seems so simple but so incredibly hard.

Let me tell you, I've been stuck there before. I've been stuck there too often. I let myself become trapped. And I didn't want to escape that mindset.

But here, in the dark, at 10:47pm, a light goes on in my head. I literally wrote about this in my Word of 2018 post. And my word for 2018 is HOPE. I need to look at my life with HOPE.

HOPE that things will get better.
HOPE for God to give me strength and comfort.
HOPE in trusting God and His overall plan.
HOPE in understanding that I am beyond blessed in my life.
HOPE in knowing that the tomb didn't stay sealed and that Jesus has Risen!
HOPE as a confident expectation of future blessings based on facts and promises.
HOPE IN GOD.

One thing that honestly helps when you're feeling trapped in self-pity and despair - write down at least three things you're grateful for. Or write specifically about something you're grateful about from just that day. I know this works.

And I need to take my own advice and start doing this again. But in addition to writing down something I'm grateful for, I should start adding something I'm hopeful for, as a reminder to keep that HOPE. To understand that HOPE is the same, whether the day has brought joy or sorrow, triumph or tradegdy,  bright and shiny blessings or the quiet, hidden blessings.

Back to Instagram and social media. Maybe don't post only the perfect, edited pictures. Maybe don't strive to make it appear you have it all together. Post the struggles, the heartache, the frustration. Post the silly and undescribable. Post the love and the blessings. Post a little bit of everything. And maybe one day you'll be able to look back at all those posts and think, "Wow. My life was so much more, much more full, than even these posts can show." 

Holy Week in Grief

Holy Week. It comes every year. Lent is always one of my favorite seasons of the church. I appreciate the idea of embracing the darkness because in the end, Jesus will save us all. His light shines brighter than any darkness. No matter how bad you think things are. He will always win.

I've never experienced a Holy Week like this one. Ironically, it's not the first Easter surrounding the death of a loved one. Just one year ago, we lost my Grandpa during Holy Week. But we also knew that his time had come. I understood that his pain and suffering would soon be over, that he would be reunited with my Grandma again and stand in the presence of God. There was grief. But not like a shocking grief.

This Holy Week. There were a lot of feelings. A lot of thoughts about Austin. A lot of thoughts about what it all means, how it all works.

The message on Maundy Thursday was one of love. Throughout the last supper and that last evening, Jesus showed the same love to every single disciple, even Judas, who he knew would be betray him. Jesus tells us, "Love one another as I have loved you." His final commandment.

We will never be able to love as truly and deeply as Jesus did, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. It's not our place to judge others. Our job is to LOVE. All. Always.

I know this message. I think of it often. I remind myself of it when life gets hard and frustrating. But on Thursday, I felt ashamed because of that message.

I thought of Austin. The last few months we had. We had our differences and disagreements. I would get frustrated and angry. I wasn't living out that commandment. I should have been showing Austin love. He didn't deserve to be treated any differently just because we were having issues. He didn't deserve to be judged. Obviously I didn't know all of his struggles. I should have at least shown him God's love.

But I can't change that. And I'm ashamed of some of my actions. But what I can do is resolve to do better in the future. To treat those I disagree with or get angry at with love. Show them God's love and grace. "Love one another as I have loved you"

Good Friday. That was hard. I couldn't help but think of Austin at his ending. What led up to his ending. Did he feel abandoned? By those he thought loved him? By me? By God? Did he feel alone? And I think that he must have. He must have felt those things. And I can't imagine that pain.

I also thought about those of us who love Austin and who were left behind. "No chance to say goodbye. No way to ease the pain of parting." And this prayer: "For the times when we have not loved, even when we could, failing to carry out the simplest act of mercy, we ask the Father's forgiveness."

Then Saturday. The day that doesn't really get talked about. Unless your life is currently stuck in Saturday. Sometimes others will write something that so clearly states what you can't put into words. A friend, Kayla Becker, wrote something on Facebook that did just that: 

I’ve never really identified with the “Saturday” of Easter before. That silent day in between “Good Friday” and Easter Sunday. The day between the shocking grief and the stunning reality of what His brokenness healed. This Easter I’m stuck in Saturday.

We wear our grief like a cloak now. We’re no longer shocked and disillusioned. The weight of loss is just wrapped around us. And we are reeling as we try to put our lives back together around the trauma of loss. And I understand Saturday in a way I never wanted to.

We know the whole story. We know eventually the stone rolled away. The wounds became what healed us.

For as long as I’ve known the grief of the Friday of Easter I’ve also known the joy of Sunday.

But as for the ones actually written into that story, they didn’t know Sunday was coming. They didn’t know the stone would roll. The only knew the enormity of their loss.

In the blur of the visitation and funeral there are a few things people said that I remember vividly. One more than any other. Dear friends of ours wrapped their arms around me and said with more compassion and grace than I can muster...

“We know loss.”

And it was so simple. And it was so profound. When your heart is breaking, sometimes the most beautiful thing another human being can give you is the knowing. They were not indifferent to our pain.

And here they were years from the initial shock of it. And yet, it was still written into them. The knowing.

But in their knowing, I saw hope. They were not unscathed by their grief. They were not the same people they had been before loss. They did not pretend to be. But they knew something we didn’t yet. They knew Sunday was going to come. They used their wounds to heal.

And hasn’t that always been the way… brokenness is what heals. It’s the bridge between Saturday and Sunday.

I have not yet known heartbreak like this in my entire adult life. I am devastated. And I refuse to lie about that.

I won’t pretend this hasn’t rattled us. His death was traumatic and unexpected, and in ways we feel like we’ll never recover. I won’t pretend we haven't asked all of the hard questions. We lie awake at night, our faith deeply shaken.

I have exactly zero answers for all of the painfully difficult questions being asked. I won’t pretend that I haven’t questioned and tried to make sense of it. But it doesn’t make sense. It feels cruel and unfair. It feels painful, awful, and impossible. Because it’s still Saturday for me.

But the impossible beauty of living on this side of the Easter story is that I know eventually Sunday has to come. Even if I’m still living in Saturday. I know.

We might be shaken. We might be a bit like Thomas, begging to touch the wounds so we can believe it’s really true.

Sunday will come.
Wounds can be used to heal.
God is not indifferent to our pain.

Jesus is the bridge between the Saturday we’re in and the Sunday we believe will come.

And I don’t know if I’ve ever really been able to celebrate Easter in the way I will tomorrow.

Sunday will come.

As I was doing some reading, I learned about a Seder tradition of leaving a place set at the table for the prophet Elijah. "We have faith in his eventual return at the same time we acknowledge his absence. The empty chair at the table is both lament and expectation. His absence makes a very physical presence."

The presence of love and the presence of grief. Together. Acknowledge both. Welcome both. Leave the door open. Allow the emptiness a place at the table.

And then. Sunday. Easter. A day of celebration. Of rejoicing. To be honest, it felt odd to celebrate something so amazing as the resurrection of Jesus when I was still grieving the loss of Austin. Throughout the morning, I realized that I need to focus on where Austin is now.

In heaven! For eternity! For Austin, there is no more pain, no more tears, no more sorrow. There is only the absolutely joy of being with God! And that's because of the Easter miracle. The suffering has ended."The great promise of Easter had prevailed." Truly. Easter makes all the difference. And I can celebrate that.

He is Risen. He is Risen indeed.

*Untitled*

I've written a lot of blog posts. I try to be open and sharing about what's happening in my life. I try to make you feel involved. In the past couple of years, I've written about some hard things. Things that aren't fun or easy to share. Things that are difficult to talk about. But I did that because that was life. It's a constant up and down. Highs and lows. 

But this post. This post is one I never imagined having to write. 

Nearly one month ago, Austin took his own life. 

It was a Friday afternoon at work, when suddenly I was told that two deputy sheriff's were waiting up front for me. After a minute of confusion, I did think about AJ. I thought he might be in trouble. I thought maybe he was hurt. But when they told me he was dead, it was like breath left me. There was shock and confusion. Disbelief. I remember asking if his parent knew. I remember my dad (who had come to the office after my mom called him after the deputy sheriffs had stopped at the house first) going to my desk to get my things and driving me home. I remember giving my mom a hug and finally letting the tears fall. 

My mom had called a good friend who is also a pastor. She was soon at the house and I will forever be grateful for her being there with us then. I remember asking questions. Questions I always thought I knew the answers to but now was suddenly questioning. I remember asking if we could wait to tell Jacob. Wait until - I don't know - we knew for sure? It didn't feel real. I didn't want to tell Jacob. 

Telling Jacob his dad had died was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We had been somewhat open with Jacob about his dad and his struggles. We had told Jacob Daddy was sick. But now I had to tell him that his dad was sicker than we thought and has died. Jacob was confused and asked some questions, but he didn't want to see me or anyone else crying. He switched to his goofy self to try and cheer everyone up. 

And bless his heart, he's been the shining light in the darkness. He demands group hugs from everyone. He'll literally wipe away my tears and tell me to be happy. He'll joke and dance and be goofy to make us laugh. He'll give great big hugs. 

There's so much more that I could tell you. But what I will tell you is that I felt overwhelmed with the love and support from family and friends and people who didn't know me but knew AJ. The outpouring of love was exactly what I needed. People sharing memories that I had long forgotten or never knew. I clung to those. 

Because here where it gets complicated. AJ wasn't my husband. We were divorced. And while we were doing pretty good at co-parenting, our relationship wasn't exactly in a healthy place. And I'm struggling with that. 

The past couple of year, there has been a lot going on. And I've had to deal with everything that was thrown at me, as it was being thrown at me. There was no time to process anything, it was on to the next thing. Like I was trying to hold a million fragile pieces together. When AJ died, it was like those million pieces came crashing down on top of me. I wasn't just grieving his death. I'm grieving all those things that had been lost. I'm grieving the man I fell in love with nearly 10 years ago. I'm grieving our divorce. I'm grieving the person that AJ was before the addiction and mental illness took over. I'm grieving a somewhat strained relationship we've had over the past 9 months. I'm grieving for the loss of his battle, one that I also tried to fight. I'm grieving for the loss of any future that was taken away from us. I'm grieving the loss of Jacob's father. I'm grieving Jacob's future as he learns to navigate this world without his dad. And I'm trying to figure out how to help Jacob grieve on top of my own grief. 

I feel like I was slightly removed from AJ's life. But the force of grieve and loss has hit me like that wasn't the case. 

I don't share these things with you so you can feel sorry for me, I'm not seeking advice, I don't want to hurt anyone with my thoughts. But I'm sharing because this is real. This is my life right now. And maybe someone else needs to know they're not alone in their struggle. 

I am mad that AJ is gone. I am mad that his demons won. I still loved AJ, will always love him. I still cared deeply about him. I wanted him to get better. I wanted him to be the man that I fell in love with, that I knew he was capable of. But I also know that he is no longer in pain. That he is at peace. And while there are so many of us left here dealing with this loss, this pain, this unimaginable thing, he is no longer struggling. 

Confidence

I feel like a page has been turned. 

**knocking on wood** I don't want to jinx this. 

You know those moments in life that leave you a bit in awe? Those moments that you know are going to a defining moment of your life? 

I think I'm having one of those. 

But let's back up a little first...

I think I've always struggled with my self-confidence. In all areas, but particularly when it comes to my performance at work. It's always been there some, but I had one bad experience at a job that left what little self-confidence I did have pretty much shattered. I struggled for a long time after that. Questioning everything... my purpose; my calling; my past work performances... 

Fast forward about a year and I find a job that I absolutely love. A job back in the field of communications but also working with volunteers and working for an organization that every day was making the difference in people's lives. 

I needed that job. I needed the feeling of purpose. I needed the feeling of making a difference, of feeling accomplished. Little did I know how much I would need the amazing team that I got to work with every day. 

Looking back over the two years I've spent there, I can see some of that self-confidence starting to rebuild. I started to feel better about the work I was doing, even while knowing that it could always be more. I became proud of the work I was doing. Looking back, I can see the clearly successful events; I can see the increase in awareness on such an important issue. I love seeing our hard work recognized. 

Don't get me wrong. I still struggle with my self-confidence. I still struggle with the idea of recognizing my own ideas and promoting them as my own. Honestly, I love doing a good job, seeing the finished product, and knowing it was successful. And I don't want the credit for that. I like the behind-the-scenes aspect. But why shouldn't I own up to my ideas, especially the good ones? 

For example, just recently, I was in a event planning committee meeting. I made a comment along these lines... "At the United Way Kickoff Rally, we had this idea of....." and finished explaining the idea. My ED immediately said, "No, that was your idea and I really like it!" Why is it so hard for me to take credit, to take ownership of my ideas? I know they won't all be good, but still. 

And so we've landed at the present time. I think I've written a bit about this previously, but I've been struggling with the idea of staying in this job I love. When I look at my life now as a single parent, the importance of financial stability and benefits are much stronger. When I look at my career path, I want to be able to see an opportunity for growth, for progress. And while I love what I do, while I love the organization and all that they stand for, while I love my team and the amazing work and difference they make every day, I came to understand that personally, I needed more. 

I started applying for jobs when I saw something that sounded interesting. Obviously I was looking for jobs that would provide an increase when it came to benefits and financial stability. I was looking for jobs where I could see an opportunity to promotion and growth. 

One day, I saw a job posting. It was a marketing job back in the corporate world. It was with a company I was somewhat familiar with through our nonprofit work. The more I researched the company, the more I saw a company that wants to give back to the communities it serves. I had seen this personally. I saw a company that promotes learning and growth. I saw opportunity. 

Going through the interview process only confirmed all of this. I was told about how the company promotes a healthy work/life balance and how they offer their employees time to volunteer and match donations given. I was walked through a benefits package with benefits that I had completely forgotten even existed but will be so valuable to me as a single mom. It was a lengthy interview process with quite a bit of paperwork, but I saw the value in everything and understood that the company wants to invest in the right person. I was super intrigued. 

I spoke to no one (almost) about the interview. I told no one who I was interviewing with. Deep down, I wanted it too badly but didn't want to get my hopes up by sharing it with everyone when I had no idea if the job would be mine. 

Then the call came. 

The job was offered to me. 

I was ecstatic. I was thrilled. This could finally be my opportunity to really find my footing, get a fresh start.
And then the question popped into my head. 

"Should I ask for more money?" 

I have only ever asked for more money with one job and that was because there were no benefits provided so it seemed like a fairly simple ask. I have never asked for more money due to my confidence in my skills. My lack of self-confidence has usually kept me from doing so. 

But I've read plenty of articles and seen studies about this. Men are much more likely to automatically ask for more money. Men are paid more than women in general. What is it that holds women back from asking the same for themselves? For me, it's been that self confidence. 

Thanks to the encouragement, advice and a pep talk from an amazing mentor, I understood that I only had one shot to ask for more money. One shot to advocate for myself. One shot to look out for my family and how I can provide for us.  

And so I did it. I called back and asked for more money. I even went a little higher, I figured if they were to come back and say yes, they'd offer me less than what I wanted. I was told that HR would need to discuss it the managers and they'd get back to me. 

I made this call right away in the morning. That whole day, I was on pins and needles, waiting for a call back. Nervous about what I had done. Wondering if I should have asked for less or maybe none at all? 

The call came around 4:45 that afternoon. I anxiously answered the call. And then I heard something I was not expecting. "We can do that." 

!!!!!!!

They were agreeing to give me what I asked for! The emotion that washed over me at that moment... wow. 

Not only was there a big relief of knowing how much I'll be able to support my family by myself, but there was this huge feeling of satisfaction and a self-confidence boost. Not only had I taken a chance to advocate for myself, I was shown that they believe enough in my skills and what I can bring to the company to give it to me. I can't explain the awesomeness of that feeling. 

For the first time in - who knows? forever maybe? - I was bursting with self-confidence. I was proud of myself. I felt respected as a professional. 

And it was over the next 12+ hours that I came to realize - why shouldn't I always feel like this? Why do I continue to doubt myself and my skills? Obviously I still have a lot to learn and I will make mistakes. But I shouldn't dwell on that, especially if it hasn't happened yet. We all make mistakes. But we should be confident in our mistakes, taking it as a learning opportunity. 

I got ready that next morning jamming out to the "Bad Moms" soundtrack which was probably the perfect playlist I needed. And here's where that page turn happened. I have the opportunity to go into this new job with a completely different attitude. I can walk in there confident. I can walk in knowing I'm valued. And because of that, I'll walk in there wanting and eager to do the best job I possibly can.

I wrote at the beginning of the year that 2017 was going to be the Year of Me. The Year of Liz. And while I plan on doing a recap at the end of the year to determine if I think it was a successful year of that or not, I think I've realized what my next step should be. And that next step should be to work on boosting my self-confidence. To take pride in myself and my work. 

I'm only starting to realize how much of a difference something like self-confidence can make. 

http://mindingherbusiness.co/ebook/

A new look

"The only thing constant in life is change"

We've all heard this quote. It's the one thing we all know is true. And so with recent life changes and trying to determine my place in this world, I thought the blog could use an update. 

I still plan on using this to update family and friends about the things that are going on in our lives. I love going back and reading old blog posts that help me remember our experiences or fun things we've done. 

But I also plan to use this blog as an outlet for some of my thoughts about life - my personal struggles and experiences. What I see and think and feel. 

I decided to go back to the theme of Sand Dunes. I've written about sand dunes before. It's something that really resonates with me. When I think back to my experience of climbing an actual sand dune, it really summarizes what life feels like so much of the time. At least for me. Below is an excerpt from a previous blog post, with some edits. 

During May Term my sophomore year, I traveled to Africa and spent three weeks on a safari in Namibia and South Africa. One morning, when we were still in Namibia, we woke up extra early - when it was still dark out. Then we drove a little ways to this huge sand dune. The dune was about a mile high. Most of the sand dunes are off limits but this one is open to the public and you can climb to the top. So we started the mile high hike on the sand dune. I don't know if any of you have every tried to climb a giant pile of sand, but let me tell you. It is not the easiest thing to do. For every step you take, you go back a little because there is nothing firm to find your footing on. I got about half way up and I was exhausted. I decided that I wasn't going to make it any higher up and was going to wait where I had stopped. After about 5 minutes, with more and more people passing me on their way up to the top, I changed my mind. I worked my way up the rest of the sand dune and finally made it to the very top. I remember being so proud of myself for deciding to push myself and make the rest of the climb. And once I was up there, the reward was amazing. We all sat down and waited. We waited and watched. We watched the most spectacular sunrise come up over the desert and other sand dunes. To this day, it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. We literally watched as the sun made it's light fall across the desert. I wish I could describe what it was like, but it was simply too amazing. One of God's greatest creation. It was completely worth every hard and exhausting step of the climb up. Would the sunrise would have been just as beautiful from halfway up the sand dune? Probably. But would I have enjoyed the sight more? I'm not sure. Knowing how hard I had to work to make it to the top made the pay off that much more amazing. 

I hope that you'll continue to join me on this journey of life. Let's keep climbing. 

After 30

So I've struggled with the idea of this blog post for awhile. I wasn't sure where to start or what to say. And honestly, I'm still not. 

My last blog post had a note of positivity on the idea of turning 30. I was going to enter into the new decade with a fresh start. I'm sad to say that the day ended up being nothing that I would have ever imagined or wanted. 

By now, most of your have probably seen Austin's facebook post opening up about his addiction. It is something that we kept secret for so long that I'm still having a hard time talking about it even though Austin is being so open. 

There have been so many bumps and roadblocks in our short six years of marriage. And there have been so many mistakes - from both of us - that have caused us to struggle. We both should have handled some things differently. 

But what is in the past is in the past. Austin and I are both spending this time apart fixing ourselves. We hope that in time, we will be able to once again be together and work on fixing us. We lost sight of who we were but we've started to see glimpses again. 

What's interesting to me is that a couple of old blog posts have showed up in my Timehop app from a few years ago. It seems that for as much as I love fall, it also seems to be a time when Austin and I struggle a lot. The one blog post that really struck a chord was Little Things & Sand Dunes. 

When I wrote this blog post, Austin and I were living apart but for very different circumstances. It's ironic that we're in a somewhat similar position now. But what I found to be most inspiring about this post, is what I wrote about sand dunes. 

For every step you take, you go back a little because there is nothing firm to find your footing on.

It seems that Austin and I are climbing the biggest sand dune of our marriage yet. And it must be one hell of a dune because this climb is so much harder than anything we've ever had to do before. But if we keep climbing, I think we'll be able to reach the top together.

I wish I could describe to you what these past few weeks have been like, but I honestly have no words. What I do want to say is thank you. Thank you for all the support you have shown both Austin and myself during this difficult time. Your support and your prayers have been very welcomed. We really do appreciate it. 

The Big 3-0.

Today is my last day of my 20's. 

I have to admit, the day kind of sneaked up on me. I knew it was coming. I've been wishing friends a "Happy 30th Birthday" now for a while, each time knowing it was one day closer to my own birthday. And I thought I was handling it well. Today... maybe not so much. :) 

One of my friends who recently turned 30 posted to Facebook "The last decade saw the highest of highs and the lowest of lows but I know that this new decade will bring amazing things."

This really spoke out to me. I had only ever thought of turning 30 as an end to my 20's. I never thought of it as a new beginning. And when I think back on my 20's, I can wholeheartedly agree that they did give me the highest of highs and lowest of lows. 

My 20's brought me new life long friends, a college degree, finding the love of my life and marrying him, new jobs and adventures and of course, Jacob. But my 20's also brought me hard life lessons, living separate from my husband, lost jobs, money woes, health issues and more that don't need to be brought up here. My biggest ups and downs have happened in the past decade. My 20's have shaped me to be the person I am today. They have helped me grow and learn. 

So maybe, saying goodbye to my 20's is not a tearful goodbye to my youth, but rather a thankful and appreciative goodbye for all that I learned. And with that thought, I can begin my 30's with a new outlook. 

But here's where my mind has taken a twist... and here is where I think my anxiety is coming from today. Now that I've taken a good hard look at the past decade, looking forward to the next one, I'm wanting great expectations. 

My 30's have to be better than my 20's right? And in order for that to happen, I have to take some responsibility in the path my life takes. While there is so much that I love about my life right now, there are also so many things I want to change. Some of which I've started working on, others... not so much. In my mind, I've psyched myself up to the fact that tomorrow begins a new decade and therefore a better decade. But what I need to remember, is that there will still be lows. There will still be failures. There will still be struggles. 

The one thing I do have going for me in my 30's however, is that I have all of those mistakes and failures from my 20's that I've learned from. I have everything I need to avoid making those same mistakes again. 

So, here's to my 30's. To my 20's, you've been great. You were fun and stupid and hard and incredible and everything in between. I will not forget you and will think of you often. To 30 and beyond, I welcome you with open arms. May we become the best of friends and work together to make this decade great. Cheers.  

Marriage is...

This blog idea came after a phone call from my parents. They called to basically tell us about these weird things they do and if we did them to, then we were also weird. We had two out of three on their list. :) But anyway, it got me thinking. What is marriage? So here we go!

Marriage is... 

• Committing your life to another person
• Being able to compromise
• Building forts in the living room when you have no other furniture 
• Being willing to sacrifice 
• Trying to guess how much your grocery bill will be 
• Finishing each others sentences 
• Being able to laugh at each other
• Feeling completely comfortable with that person
• Living with your best friend
• Experiencing all those "firsts" together
• Hopefully having a family together
• Going to the bathroom with the door open (TMI?) :) 
• Leaving each other notes around the house or in luggage 
• Chasing thunderstorms and not being afraid of getting caught in the rain
• Having inside jokes that are only funny to the two of you
• Camping in your spare bedroom
• Having someone who helps you grow as a person and grow as a couple
• Learning to take care of someone else 
• Being thankful you found your other half 
• Having someone to enjoy your interests with 
• Not being afraid of arguing as long as you're always prepared to say "I'm Sorry"
• Being able to miss that other person, even if they're just in the next room
• Holding hands whenever you feel like it 
• Learning to budget 
• Being able to not have to do or even say anything when you're together
• A marathon, not a sprint
• Having someone to watch "Friends" with and then quoting it non-stop
• Running to the store at 10pm because your wife has a chocolate craving
• Learning to divide up responsibilities/chores around the house 
• Never going to bed angry
• Having someone to dance with 
• Completely ruining dinner or a dessert and being able to laugh at it 
• Saying the exact same thing and the exact same time
• Hard work, everyday 
• Trying to find excuses to get the other person to do something you want 
• An adventure 
• Having someone to share your crazy dreams with, even if they don't make sense 
• Singing as loud as you can on long car trips
• Purposely wearing matching clothes 
• Trying to find each others reflex spot, just for the fun of it
• Making plans for your future and being able to adapt when they don't work out
• Supporting each other in everything you do 
• Having someone to kiss anytime you want 
• Offering to drive when you're drugged on pain killers and bleeding from the mouth when your wife is faint from the sight of that blood 
• Learning from the good examples your parents set for you 
• Having someone to grow old with
• Knowing that after a long day you can get in your easy clothes and cuddle on the couch
• Respecting each other 
• Endless back rubs :) 
• Appreciating the little things in each other 
• Creating memories
• Making sure God always has a place in your relationship
• A lifetime together 
• Having someone to love and to love you back 

Wedding Memories

This past weekend, Austin and I had the chance to attend and be a part of the wedding of some good friends of ours. This was actually the first wedding we've had (or could make) all summer. So it had been well over a year since we've attended a wedding. And this got me thinking...

The wedding this past weekend was simply beautiful - full of love and joy. You could see it on everyone that was present. Austin and I had a the amazing opportunity to be a part of this wedding by singing. It's always an honor when we get asked to sing and be a part of someone's special day. And this was no different.

Throughout the ceremony and even the whole day, I was reminded of our wedding day. We too got married at the Wartburg Chapel and that in itself holds a lot of memories. But the day brought back a lot of feelings. Those feelings of butterflies, of complete joy, of the unexpected. Your wedding day is going to be one of the most fun and joyous days of your life. And after three years of marriage, you forget what those feelings were like. You lose sight of them. You get caught up in the every day stuff. The normal. The boring. And I think it's good to be reminded about how you felt on your wedding day.

Your wedding day is more than just a big party. It's the day you commit yourself to another person. Fully. Completely. You make vows. You make promises. You agree to spend the rest of your lives with each other. And that's where it can get tough. Because marriage is not like the wedding day. It's not all fun, party and dancing. It's work. It's compromise. It's exhausting some days. But it's what you've agreed to.

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband. I love our marriage. I love our life. But it's still easy to lose sight of these things. Maybe that's why you're suppose to make a big deal out of your anniversary every year. To help remind you of those vows you made on your wedding day. To help remind you of that joy you have deep in your heart. Of that love. I'm sad to say that Austin and I haven't been the best at celebrating our actual anniversary. We're both busy that time of year and we haven't even really been together on that day. But I think we need to do better. I think we need to take the time each October 24th and watch our wedding video. To look at the pictures. To read through our guestbook and cards. I mean, why else do we have them? 

So to my friends that just got married, to my friends who are currently planning their weddings and to my friends who have been married: Remember your wedding day. Remember that joy. That nervousness. That love. Remember those vows. Those promises. Remember the Bible verses you had read or the songs that you had sung. Remember the family and friends that were there to support you. Remember that God is there every step of the way. And remember your spouse. And why you love them. Why you married them.

Austin, I love you with all of who I am. I love every day we've spent together and I look forward to every day we will get to be together. I cherish all of the memories that we've made and try to wait patiently as we make new ones. I will love you every day of my life. You are my other half. And I would be lost without you.  

"Where you go, I go; and where you live, I'll live. Your people are my people, your God is my god; where you die, I'll die, and that's where I'll be buried." 

Ruth 1:16-17

Surrender

Do you ever make plans? You get this great idea of something you want or something you want to do. Sometimes these plans are just an idea that you have and some plans are set into motion by other events.
So you have these plans and you start thinking about your future. How it's all going to work out. What you're going to do once it happens. How you're going to react. How you're going to tell your family and friends. You start to get excited. You get your hopes up. You start dreaming and imaging how wonderful things are going to be. How amazing everything will work out because of your plans.

But then something changes. Your plans go awry. Your dreams and your hopes are gone.

Has this ever happened do you? Have you ever felt this disappointment? This frustration? This sadness? It's happened to me, too. More than once.
But then I realize something. I realize why my plans don't work.

My plans get changed because they weren't God's plans for me.

I've always strongly believed that everything happens for a reason and that God does indeed have a plan for me. I don't know what His plan is, I don't know what it entails or how it will work out. But I do believe it's there. I believe that I have to trust Him. To have faith in Him.

It's easy to say "trust in Him" or "have faith in God's plans for you". It's very easy to say those things - to yourself, to others. But it's a totally different thing to actually follow through on them. And this is where I've been struggling lately.

I know that God has a plan for me. But lately I've had my own plans in mind. I've had my own wants and dreams. I feel like what I have are good plans, good wants, good dreams. I feel like they're things God would approve of. That God would want for me in my life. So what I can't understand is why God isn't just giving me my plans, my wants, my dreams.

But that's not how God works.

And so I'm struggling. I'm struggling to let go and let God. I'm struggling to let go of my plans and surrender them to God. I'm holding them too close and I'm not sure how to let go of them. I don't know how to start that process. Sure I can say that I've let go of them, but deep down I know that's not true.

Some days while I'm thinking about our future plan - whether it be my plan or God's plan - I try to listen for an answer from God. I try to listen and hear if he'll tell me what the right plan is. You see, two years ago when Austin and I were trying to figure out if a move to Western Iowa was the right plan for us, I heard God. I heard God speak to my heart telling me that it was the right decision. And that whole week I was reassured by verses I heard on the radio or hymns that were sung in church. I heard God speak to me that week.

And so that's what I'm listening for again today. I'm waiting for God to speak to my heart. I'm waiting for that reassuring verse on the radio. I'm waiting to hear God. But I'm not hearing anything. So I wonder: am I listening too hard? Or am I not listening in all the right places? Maybe I'm expecting this time to be exactly like it was two years ago - a clear voice. And I wonder, will God speak to me the same way again? Or am I not opening up my heart enough to fully listen to what's around me?

And so here I sit. Waiting. Listening. Trying to let go.

God, give me the strength to let go. To let go of my own plans and wants. Help me to surrender them up to You. Give me the patience to wait for Your timing. Help me stay strong in my faith of You. Help me to open up my heart so that I will hear You when You speak to me. Amen.

Dog Days of Summer

I realize that I haven't written a blog since last month. And I really don't have any excuses. With Annie over, we had all of our free time back! Maybe I just haven't written because nothing too exciting has happened since Annie... well that's not completely true either. :)

With Annie over, Austin and I were both excited to have our evenings and weekends back. But that first week or two right after the show, I have to admit: I was bored! I couldn't remember what I use to do with all my free time before Annie! I wasn't even sure what I wanted to do with my free time now! But that has past and I'm back to enjoying my free time again. I do still get a bored a little easier but I'm trying to enjoy doing nothing while I can... as people keep reminding me - whenever we decide to have kids, our free time is completely out the window! :)

Over the week of July 4th, Austin and I traveled up to South Dakota for a family reunion! My cousin and her family had recently moved there where her husband is the director of a bible camp. The camp is right on the lake, along with a retreat center - which is where we stayed. We were so excited to head up there to have a mini-vacation and to spend some time with the family. However, we ran into a little bit of a problem about 20 miles outside of Council Bluffs. 

Yup. We got a flat tire... It was the first time either Austin or I had ever gotten a flat tire so we weren't entirely sure of our skills to change a tire. We did have a spare in our trunk but we called a tow truck to come and help us out. Well it was close to 100 degrees outside and after waiting in the heat, Austin decided to just try and figure out how to change the tire. At this point, a state trooper had pulled over to make sure we were okay and see if we needed any assistance. He helped Austin get it all started but then told us he had to leave because a man up the road was threatening to jump in front of traffic... yeah.

My hero!

Austin got the spare on successfully and we had called up to a place in a small town just up the road and they had the tire size we needed! So we slowly made our way there, got our new tire and $150 later, we were on our way! Luckily we didn't run into any other problems on the way there!

Once we made it to South Dakota, we enjoyed a few days relaxing on the lake and hanging out with family. We had a lot of fun. We went paddle-boating, tubing and playing on the water toys, that you can see in the picture below. 
 

We had a great time and it was hard to leave! I think everyone agreed that it would have to be something we should do every summer! :)

Since then, we really haven't done to much. Austin is still enjoying his job at the airport, mostly I think because it gets him out of the house! He's also been working with students doing voice lessons and next month, he'll be taking some students to All-State camp back at Wartburg. I think Austin is ready for school to begin again and start working with all of his students for another great year at Riverside! 


For me, the summer is also going well at work. Orientation days are definitely the busiest but the free lunch makes up for the early morning those days. :) I can tell that fall is starting to get closer because college fair invites have started coming in and soon I'll be scheduling high school visits again. I've also been working on creating our new books for the school year. These are the books that we give out at college fairs, high school visits and campus visits. I've really enjoyed doing this and it's helping me keep busy. Another exciting thing is that our entire office will be heading to Denver in October for the National Conference for Admissions Counselors. I'm so excited to get back to the great city of Denver and to hopefully learn some new things!

I think that's about it for us. We're just trying to get by in this heat wave that's hit the US. I hope you all are staying cool as well! Enjoy the rest of the summer before it's gone! :)

The Sun will come out Tomorrow!

Austin and I have gotten our lives back! "Annie" is officially over! Our performances were just this past weekend on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And for the first time in at least recent history at the Grist Mill Theater, all four shows were sold out!! Pretty big deal!

Each show was awesome! The audience was just what we needed as a cast to get that extra energy and enthusiasm on stage. There were no major screw ups or anything. The music was great (obviously with such a great music director! ;-) haha), the lines were given smoothly and no one tripped on stage! :)

Overall, the show itself was a great success. We heard a lot of positive feedback. But more importantly than that, were the friendships that we made at Grist Mill during our two months there. Rehearsals were long and often, but we met some really great people! Every person in the show or helping with the show really made it so much fun. And although I think Austin and I (and probably everyone else in the show as well...) will enjoy our free nights and weekends again, we're really going to miss hanging out with everyone.

Here are some pictures for you to enjoy from the show! 

Austin makes the best faces!

See? 

Meg and Grandma J. came to the show!

John and Austin during warm-ups

Before our second show

Mr. Warbucks and Drake like the dress! :) 

Mom & Dad Zaruba came as well!

After our third show

As you can see from the pictures we had a good time! 

The cast of "Annie" 

If you want to see more pictures, they're up on my Facebook page! :)