So I've struggled with the idea of this blog post for awhile. I wasn't sure where to start or what to say. And honestly, I'm still not.
My last blog post had a note of positivity on the idea of turning 30. I was going to enter into the new decade with a fresh start. I'm sad to say that the day ended up being nothing that I would have ever imagined or wanted.
By now, most of your have probably seen Austin's facebook post opening up about his addiction. It is something that we kept secret for so long that I'm still having a hard time talking about it even though Austin is being so open.
There have been so many bumps and roadblocks in our short six years of marriage. And there have been so many mistakes - from both of us - that have caused us to struggle. We both should have handled some things differently.
But what is in the past is in the past. Austin and I are both spending this time apart fixing ourselves. We hope that in time, we will be able to once again be together and work on fixing us. We lost sight of who we were but we've started to see glimpses again.
What's interesting to me is that a couple of old blog posts have showed up in my Timehop app from a few years ago. It seems that for as much as I love fall, it also seems to be a time when Austin and I struggle a lot. The one blog post that really struck a chord was Little Things & Sand Dunes.
When I wrote this blog post, Austin and I were living apart but for very different circumstances. It's ironic that we're in a somewhat similar position now. But what I found to be most inspiring about this post, is what I wrote about sand dunes.
For every step you take, you go back a little because there is nothing firm to find your footing on.
It seems that Austin and I are climbing the biggest sand dune of our marriage yet. And it must be one hell of a dune because this climb is so much harder than anything we've ever had to do before. But if we keep climbing, I think we'll be able to reach the top together.
I wish I could describe to you what these past few weeks have been like, but I honestly have no words. What I do want to say is thank you. Thank you for all the support you have shown both Austin and myself during this difficult time. Your support and your prayers have been very welcomed. We really do appreciate it.
So, this is the time I hate. The waiting period between jobs and a move. There is so much unknown and I like to plan. But I can't plan yet.
I want to know how much my paycheck is going to be so we can figure out bills. I want to know when AJ will get a job and how much he'll be getting paid. (Please don't read this as greedy, it's a feeling of anxiety about paying bills and paying off some debt) I want to know if we'll be able to pay off some debt while saving money by staying with my parents. I want to know when we'll do the big move of all the furniture and everything in the apartment. I want to know where we're going to put it all! I want to find a good daycare for Jacob, one that we will all love as much as our current daycare.
I also find myself wishing time away. I long for the day when we can buy a house. To finally be settled somewhere. To put down roots. In my mind, I associate buying a house with the opportunity of being able to accomplish everything else that's getting pushed aside right now.
Once we have a house, we'll finally be able to have all of our things, boxes and unopened wedding presents in one place. Once we have a house, we will finally go through all of our boxes, get rid of what we don't need and then completely organize everything else on shelves in tubs with detailed lists of everything inside. Once we have a house, we can finally get that king size bed. We can go back to having dish and a DVR! Once we have a house, Jacob will finally have the space to run around and a yard to play in. Once we buy a house, I'll find more time to work out, maybe join the rec center. AJ and I will be able to slow down and spend more time on us.
These are the things I hope/want to happen. I know it's unrealistic. But that's what my mind thinks. And while I ponder away at these things, I'm missing life right now. I'm missing my last few days in Iowa. I'm missing Jacob watching the trucks drive by our apartment. I'm missing spending time with AJ before we have to be a part for awhile.
So this is where I struggle. I struggle to stay in the presence and not worry about what I don't know will happen in our future. But that's exactly what I need to do. And I know God is telling me the same thing. In fact, just this morning, there was an email in my inbox. A prayer from the Unveiled Wife. This morning's prayer was a prayer for couples moving.
Dear Lord, I pray for husbands and wives who are in the transition of moving. There can be so many reasons for couples to move, such as job opportunities or fresh starts. I pray that these couples would not feel overwhelmed by the work it takes to move. Send them helping hands to get it done! I also pray that where they are moving to is a healthy environment. I hope that these couples do not feel alone or friendless. Send people to welcome them and get them connected to the community. May You bless their move and show them all the awesome things about the new move. I pray that their would be no contention within their marriage about the move, but that they would submit to and rely on You in Jesus' name. AMEN!
I've been thinking a lot about transitions in life. When I think about the past five years, I think transitions. That's what our life has been. A lot and a lot of transitions. Or at least, it certainly feels that way.
Transitioning from college to a job. Transitions from living with your parents to living on your own to living with your husband to living with a kid. Transitions from your first job to a new job. And another job. And another job.... Transitions to new places to live, new communities, new people to meet. Transitioning from raising a baby to raising and parenting a toddler.
This is what I feel the past five+ years have been for us. Transitions. Always waiting for what's next. Waiting on new opportunities. Waiting to see if this is a good fit. And then preparing for what's next. Preparing for the next opportunity.
And when I think about it this way, it actually exhausts me. It makes me tired. It makes me yearn for something permanent. I want to find a job that I know I will be at for at least five years. I want to find a place where I know we plan on staying. I want to find a place that we stay long enough to really become a part of the community. To meet fellow parents. To develop close friendships. I want to find a place where we can buy a house.
We still have wedding presents in their boxes because we haven't had the space for them. We have boxes at both parents' houses because we don't have the space or didn't want to keep moving them. We still have packed boxes in our apartment because we know it's not going to be long term.
This is what I'm most tired of - the boxes. I hate that things are all over the place and not easily accessible. I want to be able to unpack every box and have a place for it. Or throw away the junk. I want a yard for Jacob to be able to run and play. I want a space for visitors to be able to stay. I want that permanent feeling.
I believe there have been a couple times where things have started to feel more permanent to us, then life throws a curve ball and we have to adjust. And we've always managed to adjust well in time, but I want more stability. I know that life will always be throwing curve balls and we will constantly be adjusting to things. However, when I think about this, I think that if we have a house and a permanent place to call home, the other adjustments might not be as bad. So this is what I crave.
And if I'm being completely honest, what I crave is a home in Minnesota. I want to be closer to family, closer to a place where I have more friends close by. I want a place that feels like we belong. I want a place to raise Jacob in a world that plays Duck Duck Grey Duck. ;-) And that place is Minnesota.
But here's the funny thing. When I think about honestly moving to Minnesota, about the very real possibility that it could happen in the near future, I start to have anxiety. Anxiety about leaving Iowa, leaving this place I've called home for over 10 years. I believe that it will be hard to say goodbye. It feels different to be possibly leaving Iowa than it did to be leaving Minnesota when I left for college. Probably because at that point, I didn't know what would happen after college, there was always the possibility of returning to Minnesota. If we move to Minnesota now, that will most likely be it. So it's hard to think about having to say good-bye. But. We're not going anywhere yet.
I do feel like we're in the middle of another transition though. With GE announcing the sale of GE Capital, my job could be eliminated or I could move to another company. So we sit and wait in this transition period again. Wondering what's next and where it will take us. I guess only time will tell.
