The Month of February

 February is here. Never in my life, before 2018, did I hate a month. But I hate February. 

Stepping into this month, flipping the calendar over, starting the new month is something I dread. There is a physical, emotional and mental shift that takes place in me. And it's not some small change, it feels very large and heavy and black. Suddenly I'm carrying around this 50 pound weight of grief and it's like I've been switched on to an ultra-sensitive mode. Everything seems to be a trigger. 

I can't concentrate, I don't want to be around people, I can't focus on my work, I'm short with Jacob, I can't fall asleep at night and I want to sleep the day away. It feels like there's an iron ball in my chest, making it hard to take a deep breath. I feel like I'm perpetually hunched over with the weight of grief on my shoulders. And my mind is constantly running through thoughts while at the same time, being stuck on a static channel. I can feel the tears, right behind my eyes. 

This February will be three year since AJ left us. 

--- 

I wrote that top portion at the beginning of the month. I knew what was coming. I knew February 23 would arrive, whether I wanted it to or not. I spent all of February dreading that day.

And then it was here. After much debating about what to do for the day, I finally decided on some self-care. About mid-morning I found myself thinking "you know, maybe this day isn't so bad. Maybe I put too much weight on this day. Why should I let it have this power over me? Why don't I just change my mindset?" I could hear my therapist cheering me on in my head. :) 

And for most of the day, I was able to keep that mindset. I really started to think that maybe this day didn't have to be so bad. And if this day didn't have to be so bad, that meant the whole month of February doesn't need to be that bad. 

Until about 4pm. And it was like suddenly, I hit a wall of grief. I can't remember exactly what time it was three years ago, but I know it was late afternoon when I was told at my office there were some sheriff deputies waiting to talk to me. I know it was late afternoon when I was told that AJ had taken his own life. 

I was done with the day. I wanted to crawl into bed and let the rest of this awful day pass me by. And I am so grateful to my parents who one, not only made this possible by taking over Jacob duty but two, allowed me to do what I needed in this moment. 

I'm going to be real honest here and say that the month of February has been really shitty as a whole. I spent the month struggling. I was sad, I was depressed, I was angry. I struggled through what my therapist pointed out to me was probably a depressive episode. I struggled with the fact that AJ killed himself. I felt overwhelmed by stress at work because of the combination of the shear number of projects I had going and the fact that it took every ounce of energy I had to concentrate enough to do those projects. I ended up at urgent care one day because of a rash on my arm just to be told that I had shingles. And I had to make some hard personal decisions. 

It's been shit. I spent most of the month off social media because I already had so much anger and sadness inside of me that I couldn't handle to know what else was going on in the world. I couldn't handle the nonsense and ignorance. I had no energy to argue with people on Facebook about politics - me! (haha) 

Slowly I've started to reenter the world of social media. And that anger is only burning brighter. Maybe it's because I'm grieving and mourning the injustice of losing someone I love in such a horrific way that I feel so angry at all the other injustices our world is facing. I feel so angry that people seem incapable of choosing love over anything else. I feel so angry at the shear lack of empathy and care. I feel so angry at the ignorance and hate. I feel so angry at the stupid political and pointless posts from our elected leaders. I feel so angry that we have to fight so hard for what should be basic human rights. I feel so angry that the world is such a broken place. I feel so angry that we have the capabilities and power to make things better, but for whatever reasons, we aren't doing it. I just feel so angry at it all. 

And I feel torn about how to find a place in-between that keeps me angry enough to want to continue to fight for what I believe and to not let the anger drown me. 

I do know I need to spend some more time with God. I need to make the time sit in His presence and let the quiet in. Fortunately, Lent is a good time to start doing this. 

I realize this post took a completely direction from when it started. But this is where my thoughts have been lately. These are the things I'm struggling with. This is where my heart is. 

A Break

It's hard to believe that we've been in this "new" state of normal for almost two months now. And while we've created new routines and some things have become easier, there is still much that we struggle with, much that we don't understand. And we try to prepare for some sort of new future that we don't know what it will look like or when we might see it. 

It's exhausting. And heartbreaking. 

And it doesn't help that those feelings only exacerbate all the other fear and pain and sadness you were already experiencing. It's a lot for anyone to deal with. And what's worst is that we often feel as if we're dealing with it all alone. 

But nothing could be further from the truth. I listened to a really good sermon yesterday that reminded me that no matter what, God is already here. He is already present. He is always by my side. Instead of seeing him clearly, I let my fear and pain and sadness cloud my vision. 

I've been struggling with some things lately and today I decided I needed a break. A mental health day. And I'm grateful for family and a boss and a job that will allow that to happen. I spent the day off my phone, off social media and instead spent it feeling safe from the world in my room. I spent it talking with God. I spent it getting lost in a TV show. Any by dinnertime, I was feeling better. 

I still had no more answers that when the day started, I still had all my struggles and fears. But I also felt the comfort of His presence. 

After dinner, I opened a book that I've been reading on and off for some months now. And it has been months since I've picked it up. And on that very first page, the author talked about living in a season of slow, often due to pain or suffering. But that when we live in a season of slow, "you quiet down all the outside noise so God's voice can become the loudest voice in your life." (Lysa Terkeurst, "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way") She goes on to talk about how she took a break from social media, from reading the newspaper, from certain activities. 

It was exactly how I had spent my day. And I realized that maybe this has to be more than a one day thing. Maybe I need more of a break so that I can slow down, so that I can be quiet, so that I can connect with God and listen to what He has to tell me. 

And so I'm going to try. I'm going to take as much as a break as I can from this world and live in the quiet. Now, I realize that as a Marketing Director, I'm not able to stay off social media entirely or avoid what's happening in this world. But I can limit it. 

I'll still do what I need to do in order to do my job. I will still use social media to connect with my family and friends. But I'm not going to spend endless hours scrolling and getting caught up in what others have to say. I'm going to be more mindful of these slow times we're living in right now to spend that extra time with God. 

Please know that I still want to connect with all of you. Especially during times like this, we need those connects. So please, keep sending me your Snapchats, posting pictures on Instagram. Keep Facebook messaging me and let's keep doing those video chats. Or even send me a text or give me a call. I might be a bit slow to respond, but I will. 

 

2019: Focus

2018 was... well, it was a rough year. 

I started the year tracking how each day went - great, good, okay, bad, awful - like I did in 2017. But after February, I stopped. After February, the rest of the year just sort of happened and I'm not really sure how. After February, I would have good or even great days, but they still felt like they were tied to a rock of numbness, pain, sadness. After February, I feel like I just sort of floated through, did what I needed to survive but nothing more. All of which is completely understandable. 

But after reading a recap of 2017, I decided I wanted 2019 to be better. I need it to be better. For me. For Jacob. And with that, I knew my 2019 Word of the Year needed to be FOCUS. 

This year, I'm going to focus on those things that I need in order to feel like I'm actually doing and living again. I'm going to focus on my health. I'm going to focus on being a better parent to Jacob. I'm going to focus on spending more time with God. I want to be more intentional with my time and focus. 

I realize that 2019 will still be hard in many ways that it was in 2018. There are still so many feelings and things to process. But I need to focus on that as well, work through it, instead of just letting it happen. 

So I'm going to focus on the things I can change in 2019. Focus on intentional. Focus on Jacob. Focus on me. Focus on God. Focus on being present. Focus on doing better. Focus on my goals. Focus on family and friends. Focus on love and happiness. Focus on what's most important to me. 

Focus. 

My Not-So-Perfect Life

I just finished reading a book. Like, it's 10:30pm and I should be in bed sleeping but I just finished this book five minutes ago and can't turn off my brain so I'm sitting in the dark blogging. It was a novel - My (not-so) Perfect Life. It was a cute and fun read.

Warning - potential spoiler alert! Basically, the book is about this woman who tries to make it seem like her life is perfect when clearly, it isn't. Mostly done by posting glam'd up pictures to Instagram. In the end, she creates an Instagram account called "my not so perfect life" and posts *real* every day pictures.

At the end of the author's acknowledgements, she writes, "I hope your life lives up to your Instagram posts..." or something to that effect. But I think she's got it wrong. I think we should be saying, "I hope your Instagram lives up to your life." (me attempting to be a philosopher - HA!)

We all do this. We all look at someone else's social media posts and pictures and think, "Wow. They have a perfect life." We look at their pictures and think they've got the fancy house, they go on the fun exotic trips, they've got a big loving family, they've got the ideal job, etc. And in turn, we take a look at our own lives and can only see the struggles, what's wrong, what we don't want but have.

We get trapped in this spiral of jealousy and desire. We get stuck thinking about how our lives are so awful and not what we expected and how does everyone else get so lucky to have it all? But in reality, that's not true.

"Every time you see someone's bright-and-shiny, remember: They have their own crappy truths too. Of course they do. And every time you see your own crappy truth and feel despair and think, 'Is this my life?', remember: It's not. Everyone's got a bright-and-shiny, even if it's hard to find sometimes."

A quote from the book.  Seems so simple but so incredibly hard.

Let me tell you, I've been stuck there before. I've been stuck there too often. I let myself become trapped. And I didn't want to escape that mindset.

But here, in the dark, at 10:47pm, a light goes on in my head. I literally wrote about this in my Word of 2018 post. And my word for 2018 is HOPE. I need to look at my life with HOPE.

HOPE that things will get better.
HOPE for God to give me strength and comfort.
HOPE in trusting God and His overall plan.
HOPE in understanding that I am beyond blessed in my life.
HOPE in knowing that the tomb didn't stay sealed and that Jesus has Risen!
HOPE as a confident expectation of future blessings based on facts and promises.
HOPE IN GOD.

One thing that honestly helps when you're feeling trapped in self-pity and despair - write down at least three things you're grateful for. Or write specifically about something you're grateful about from just that day. I know this works.

And I need to take my own advice and start doing this again. But in addition to writing down something I'm grateful for, I should start adding something I'm hopeful for, as a reminder to keep that HOPE. To understand that HOPE is the same, whether the day has brought joy or sorrow, triumph or tradegdy,  bright and shiny blessings or the quiet, hidden blessings.

Back to Instagram and social media. Maybe don't post only the perfect, edited pictures. Maybe don't strive to make it appear you have it all together. Post the struggles, the heartache, the frustration. Post the silly and undescribable. Post the love and the blessings. Post a little bit of everything. And maybe one day you'll be able to look back at all those posts and think, "Wow. My life was so much more, much more full, than even these posts can show." 

Memories and Letting Go

It's been one month. One month since he's been gone. One month since every single thing in life was changed. 

Thanks to social media apps like TimeHop, it's easy to remember what happened on this day one year ago, two years ago, etc. A couple of days ago, this picture showed up in my memories... 

There was no caption, but I remembered exactly when this picture was taken. It was on our way to South Dakota. To drop Austin off at an inpatient treatment facility. I remember wanting to get a picture of Austin and Jacob playing so that Jacob would have something to look at while his dad was away. 

And then yesterday, another memory, an old blog post. Again, from one year ago. The Struggles of Addiction in the Family. You see, it was just one year ago that there seemed to be this shift of change in our lives. Although, we had no idea what was coming. 

When I shared this post on Facebook last year, I said it was a raw and rambling post. And as I re-read it, I could feel those raw emotions open inside of me again. Only this time, they were tainted. Tainted with grief, with unimaginable sorrow, with the knowledge that our story did not have a happy ending. 

Re-reading that post was painful. Painful to think about everything that happened next over the course of 12 months. Painful to think about things that were said or done out of anger. Painful to think about how much could change in just one year. Painful to think about how it all ended. Just one month ago. 

I so wish that Austin could have gotten his happy ending. I wanted that for him so much. I couldn't tell you what I thought the future looked like for the two of us, but I wanted him happy, healthy, sober and to be the best dad he could be for Jacob. 

Instead, those of us who loved Austin are left here to deal with this abrupt change; this abrupt end. There will most likely be so many unanswered questions. So much that we will never know. That is probably one of the hardest things. But at the end of that blog post from a year ago, I wrote this: 

"...let go and let God."

In fact, I even have that reminder tattooed on my wrist now. The only thing I can do is to let go of those questions and unknown answers. Let go of what I don't understand. And let God take control. Let God comfort me. Let God bring peace to me. Let God. 

And so that is what I must do. I must ask God to comfort me. To bring me peace. Because I do know that Austin is finally at peace. I know that he is in a better place. I know that he is in the presence of the Lord. 

A Reflection on 2016

I've been awful at blogging this past year. Just awful. I really hope to start doing better again because I really enjoy going back and reading old blog posts when they show up in my Time-hop app. They can be so insightful and mostly just fun to reminisce. I'd like to say that I'll do better next year but I can make no such promises. If anything, I've learned that life is too unpredictable for that.

So. 2016. Quite frankly, it was a little bit of a ... well just not that great. I'm sure you've seen some posts or the memes... 

It was just a crazy year. For pretty much everyone.

For the Zaruba family personally... well it was another roller coaster of a year. 

2016 started out great. Megan and I went to Hawaii and it was an amazing trip. It was also the longest Megan and I have spent together just the two of us in a long time and I won't lie - we were reminded how different we can be sometimes! :) But overall the trip was the perfect getaway and relaxation I think we both needed. It's also become one of my favorite places I've ever visited. I would definitely go back. 

In the winter, Jacob enjoyed playing in the snow. Over the year we've done swimming lessons, ECFE classes and some other fun activities. It's so much fun to do these things with him as he gets older and can really understand and interact. We've visited a couple Children's museums, went to a Twins game, a pumpkin patch, Jacob vacationed up north with Nana and Papa, he spend a week down in Iowa with Nana and Papa Zaruba and cousin Evie. He started going to Sunday School in the Rainbow Room at church, we went swimming at the lake, we went to a tractor pull, the state fair and we even went to the zoo and saw the dinosaurs!! 

Jacob continues to grow up so much every day. I often tell him he needs to stay little but he replies, "No mommy, I get bigger!" :) He loves telling people that he's getting bigger. He loves talking and telling stories. He loves asking questions - about everything. :) He's learning so much more and exploring every day. He really is the light and joy of my life. 

Work is still going great. I hit my one year mark and finally felt like I had a better understanding of everything needed to do this job. New things continue to pop up but I'm loving every day. I still get that feeling of worth and purpose knowing I am helping make a difference for people in our community. In February, our Pedal Past Poverty fundraiser was a huge success, raising the most money we have ever raised so that was definitely a huge highlight! It was so rewarding to see all that hard work pay off. Overall, we've had a great year and continue to get more and more visibility within the community. We're still working hard to get a larger shelter and more affordable housing. I'm hoping to start expanding some of my roles here too and help with grant writing and getting involved with some of the political aspects and learning what we can do to gain more affordable housing. 

I joined the choir at Christ the King and have really enjoyed getting back into singing. It fills a hole I didn't know was there. And our choir director really pushes us hard! I learned very quickly how musically out of shape I've been! :) I thought about joining a local community choir this fall as well but decided to take a second job instead. Probably my craziest idea of the year. I worked part time during the months of September and October at a local costume company doing customer service. The month of October was particularly crazy and stressful but I survived and really enjoyed the extra money. 

In May we went up to Fargo to watch Dan graduate. It was so amazing and fun to see him in his element in the lab and graduating from such a big school! It was actually the only time I made it to Fargo while he was at NDSU! Jacob and I ended up going on a last minute vacation with my parents in early December and we spent a weekend visiting Meg. It's always so much fun to go visit her and attend her church services. This weekend was no different. Then we spent a majority of the week over at a little cottage on Lake Superior between Duluth and Two Harbors. It was a perfect getaway to just relax and reflect. I'd definitely go back. 

Austin has worked at a few jobs this year, trying to find a good fit for him. He also moved into a lower costing apartment which will be really helpful as he continues to try and get back on his feet. With his addiction and things with us... it's been tough. A lot of ups and downs. Going forward in 2017, things are probably going to look different for us. But we continue to be a family and support each other when we can.  

Overall, between all the politics, the attacks, the hate, the deaths and the personal struggles, 2016 has not been easy. It's been a lot to deal with. And I've struggled with the idea of "where is God's love in all this?" I'm continuing with my bible journaling because it's really gotten me closer to God's word again. I continue to tell myself that I can only control me and my actions. That I must show God's love to others, to not hate, to be welcoming, to be understanding, to be helpful, to love. And so that's what I'm trying to do. To everyone. My husband. The people I work with. Those with different opinions that mine. Those I don't even know. 

Here's hoping that 2017 will be a little bit easier for us all. 

Peace on Earth

So, a few weeks ago I was not in a great place. Things were going on in life and I was hurting and stressed and confused. My mom and I went for a walk and I decided to ask her a deep question. This was right after the terrorist attacks in Paris and I asked my mom (the Pastor): "What's the point? What is the point of living on this earth when so many bad things are happening? Why do we even bother? If heaven is so great, why don't we just go now?" 

She gave me the good Pastoral answer that this is life. We're meant to be here and to bring God's message to other people. We're suppose to be hopeful. But I admit, her answer didn't stay with me. I wasn't in the right place in my life to hear what she was telling me. 

Fast forward to Christmas Eve. Austin and I went to the 11:00 p.m. candlelit service at Lutheran Church of Hope in West Des Moines. We left Jacob back at his aunt and uncle's soundly asleep. At this point in my life, I was in a better place than I was a few weeks ago. I also can't tell you the last time I was able to go to a church service without a two and a half year old!  

The message that Christmas Eve night? 

Peace.

I want to share to you some of my thoughts throughout this service. Because it had been a while since I had gotten so much out of the message. I want to share with you because there were things that I needed to hear. That I needed to understand. And maybe you do too.

Living in Smalltown, Midwest, USA - even with access to social media and the internet - you sometimes get caught up in just this small little world around you. You forget that there is so much more out there. You forget that there are people all over the world experiencing life in different ways. So at the beginning of this church service, they walked in flags from countries all over the world. And I thought "how amazing that there are other Christians in all of these other countries and tonight, we are all connected by the same story. The same baby boy that came to earth." Have you thought about that? The number of people celebrating His birth all over the world? The traditions might be different. The story will sound different in different tongue. But it is all about the same baby boy. Jesus. 

Isaiah 9:6-7 We listened to this in Arabic. In Spanish. In German. And in English. All the same story. 

So here are my notes from that night. Because I feel like the one thing this world needs right now is Peace. And while during Christmas we often say "Peace on Earth" - what does that mean? How do we accomplish that? I am just one person. 

"And he will be called Prince of Peace" This baby, this tiny newborn baby, is a prince of peace. Jesus is peace. "Those that walk in the dark, will see a bright light." (Isaiah 9:2) Jesus is that light. We have peace in Jesus. 

God saw what His creation needed, so he stepped in. We needed peace. God sent us Jesus. God gave us the ultimate gift: the gift of peace. 

Think about what led the shepherds and the wise men to the stable. What will lead you to the stable? What will lead you to the manager? What will lead you to Jesus? To recognize God's gift to us? God's love? God's peace? What will it take? 

If we let Him, God will renew our hope. God will renew our peace. If we let Him. 

But the chaos (in our world) keeps spinning... why? Is it that we aren't letting God in? 

Peace is to live at rest. God offers us His gift of peace. All we need need to do is accept. We have hope that is rooted in God's promise to us. Our hope is rooted in a God that shows up. That offers us His peace. He shows up. Will we open the door? 

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Good will make a way. God is with us. Emmanuel - God with us.  

The best each of us can do is to allow God's peace in our life. 
Show God's peace to other people. 
Treat each life the gift it is, a gift from God.
Share God's peace to others. 

If we do that, if we shine with God's light and God's peace, we will bring peace to this world. If each person does that, God's peace will spread over this whole world. Peace with God is possible. 

The celebration of Christmas: Peace. Life. Love. Joy. 

I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along th'unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head:
'There is no peace on earth, ' I said
'For hate is strong, and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.'

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
'God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men.'

Till, ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men. 

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow  

The last thought I had that night, as the candles danced all around me during Silent Night, was of Christmas lights. Lights from God, of God. Lights in the darkness. Jacob thinks that the Christmas lights look like birthday candles: Happy Birthday Jesus. 

The Waiting Period

So, this is the time I hate. The waiting period between jobs and a move. There is so much unknown and I like to plan. But I can't plan yet. 

I want to know how much my paycheck is going to be so we can figure out bills. I want to know when AJ will get a job and how much he'll be getting paid. (Please don't read this as greedy, it's a feeling of anxiety about paying bills and paying off some debt) I want to know if we'll be able to pay off some debt while saving money by staying with my parents. I want to know when we'll do the big move of all the furniture and everything in the apartment. I want to know where we're going to put it all! I want to find a good daycare for Jacob, one that we will all love as much as our current daycare. 


I also find myself wishing time away. I long for the day when we can buy a house. To finally be settled somewhere. To put down roots. In my mind, I associate buying a house with the opportunity of being able to accomplish everything else that's getting pushed aside right now. 

Once we have a house, we'll finally be able to have all of our things, boxes and unopened wedding presents in one place. Once we have a house, we will finally go through all of our boxes, get rid of what we don't need and then completely organize everything else on shelves in tubs with detailed lists of everything inside. Once we have a house, we can finally get that king size bed. We can go back to having dish and a DVR! Once we have a house, Jacob will finally have the space to run around and a yard to play in. Once we buy a house, I'll find more time to work out, maybe join the rec center. AJ and I will be able to slow down and spend more time on us. 

These are the things I hope/want to happen. I know it's unrealistic. But that's what my mind thinks. And while I ponder away at these things, I'm missing life right now. I'm missing my last few days in Iowa. I'm missing Jacob watching the trucks drive by our apartment. I'm missing spending time with AJ before we have to be a part for awhile. 

So this is where I struggle. I struggle to stay in the presence and not worry about what I don't know will happen in our future. But that's exactly what I need to do. And I know God is telling me the same thing. In fact, just this morning, there was an email in my inbox. A prayer from the Unveiled Wife. This morning's prayer was a prayer for couples moving.

Dear Lord, I pray for husbands and wives who are in the transition of moving. There can be so many reasons for couples to move, such as job opportunities or fresh starts. I pray that these couples would not feel overwhelmed by the work it takes to move. Send them helping hands to get it done! I also pray that where they are moving to is a healthy environment. I hope that these couples do not feel alone or friendless. Send people to welcome them and get them connected to the community. May You bless their move and show them all the awesome things about the new move. I pray that their would be no contention within their marriage about the move, but that they would submit to and rely on You in Jesus' name. AMEN! 

Some of this & that

These past few days have made me realized how truly blessed we've been with a healthy baby so far! This was the first time that Jacob has really been sick. Sure, he's had a couple small colds and one bout of pink eye, that luckily we caught right at the beginning and it was gone in just a couple of days. But this time, we had a sick little baby on our hands.

We noticed on Saturday morning that Jacob felt a little warm and when we took his temperature, it was higher than normal. Unfortunately, it stayed high all weekend and Jacob wanted to spend most of the weekend cuddling or just sitting or laying in someone's lap. Normally, he is a very active baby, always wiggling around and wanting to play. 

By Monday, Jacob still had a fever, a pretty bad sounding cough and a very runny nose. So it was off to the doctor for us! He had gotten a virus, which also caused a small ear infection and luckily we were given some medicine to start helping. But even with medicine, it was Wednesday before his fever was gone completely and he still had a runny nose and a small cough.

During these past few days, it broke my heart to see him sick and just cuddling/laying there, looking miserable. I so wanted to make him feel better, but didn't know how. The days were also exhausting. While Jacob did want to just cuddle and sleep, he couldn't always find a comfortable position. He would lean into me to cuddle but then sit back up crying. Then after a few seconds, he would cry again and lean in to cuddle. During the night, he would wake up screaming and crying and a couple of times, it took a long time to calm him down enough to get him to eat or back to sleep.

He would also scream bloody murder while giving medicine or getting the snot out of his nose. No fun. Although, we did learn a little something about Jacob. He likes to know things and/or have control of things. Example: when we first started giving him Tylenol for his fever I would come with the syringe and when I tried to give it to him, he would fight it and scream. If I brought over the medicine bottle and showed it to him, let him watch me put medicine in the syringe and then show it to him again before offering it to him, he would almost always open his mouth and let me give him the medicine willingly. Granted, this hasn't worked every time, but he's a smart cookie.

I really enjoyed being able to spend some extra time at home with Jacob, even if he was sick. And by Wednesday, he was feeling much better and wanting to play a lot more. And he is soclose to crawling! He will get up on all fours and rock back and forth before going back on his tummy. His head is also still a little heavy. :) But his overall balance is just awesome and if he falls over or onto his back, he is almost always able to get himself back into a sitting position! He also loves to try and pull himself up to a standing position! He does great "walking" across the room with us holding him up as well. Very soon, we're going to have a very mobile baby on our hands! Spring can't come soon enough so we can just have him run around outside!

Jacob also has a new favorite word! "DADA"! It's all I hear some days. :) And when I try to get him to say "mama", he will smile and laugh and say "dada" again! Silly boy. Although, I did use this to my advantage one day. I asked Jacob, "Jacob, who do you want to change your dirty diapers all day?" To which he answered, "Dada!" Good boy. :)

In other news, we will be seeing some change again soon. Seems like we can't ever have a year go by without something changing or something exciting happening or us moving. :) Some of you may know that I wasn't completely happy at my current job at Maple Manor (a nursing home and assisted living facility). I just haven't felt that I got all the necessary training to help me be truly successful in my position. So I was applying for other jobs. Well I am happy to announce that starting March 13th, I will be in a new position.

Even though I risk being disowned by my family - haha! - I will be the new Marketing Coordinator at P&K Midwest, a John Deere implement in Eastern Iowa. They have nine locations and I'll be responsible for the marketing for all nine locations. It's going to be a huge job and one that I'll need to hit the ground running, but it's going to be much more similar to what I was doing at Kruger Seeds and it's in an industry that I feel much more comfortable in. I'm very excited to see where this opportunity will take me.

For the time being, I'm going to be based out of the Waterloo office, but by summer, they want me based out of Mt. Vernon, which is about an hour and half south of us right now. So yes, we will be moving again. We really don't know all the details yet on where and when. Austin has already decided that he doesn't want to teach at D-NH again next year as he didn't feel like it was a good fit for him there. So he's looking into some possibilities closer to Mt. Vernon. After all, we figured I've followed him for his last two jobs so now it was his turn. :) The good news is that we'll only be about 30 minutes from Austin's parents but the bad news is that means we'll be farther away from my parents. So we've promised them many trips up to Minnesota. I joked with my mom that we'll just have to get a cabin in Minnesota to spend our summers there and she said "Yes, Megan's house!" Sounds like a plan to me! :)

So with this new adventure, I'm sure there are going to be challenges. But we've had a lot of challenges in life and I'm confident that God will provide and will be there to help us make this transition as smooth as possible. I'm hopeful that with these changes, better things will come for our family.

Longing

Today I have a longing in my heart. I have wants that are pulling at my heart-strings. Life is anything but predictable. I've learned that the hard way. But today, that is what I want. I want predictability. I want a plan that I know is going to work the way I want it to. I want reassurance.

As I look at those few sentences I've just written, I see the words "I" and "want" a lot. Two words that God probably laughs at. Because what I want and what God has planned, are not always the same. I've also learned that the hard way.

The past five years have taught me so much, allowed me to grow, beaten me down and raised me higher than I could have ever imagined. It's been a lot in such a relatively short amount of time. But looking back, would I have done anything different? Would I have asked for different outcomes? I don't think so. There are certainly times that I don't wish to ever have to repeat, but I know that I've grown from those times. Learned from those times. But looking forward on my life, I want more.

Don't get me wrong, there is a lot about my life that I absolutely love. My son. My husband. My family. My friends.

Maybe I'm being selfish for wanting more. But I do. I want more. I want a house to call ours. I want a community that we feel welcomed and accepted in. I want a community where we have friends to visit with and events to go to. I want a group of people to have a card club with. I want to be a stay at home mom, even though I don't think it will ever be possible financially. And if I can't do that, I want a career. Not just a job. I want a career that I love. That I'm passionate about. I want to figure out what that is. I want to feel like I've accomplished something. Whatever it is.

I want to not have to worry about things. Even if it's just for a while. I want to live care-free. I want to live debt free from our student loans and medical bills. I want to have a time in my life where things are great for an extended period of time. I want a time that is "bump free". I want to know what the future holds. Not my whole future, just the foreseeable future.

I also want to be the best mom I can be for my son. I want to be able to give him all that he needs. I want to be able to provide for his future. I want to be the best wife I can be to my husband. I want to be able to support him in all that he does. I want to be the person that both my boys need more than anyone.

I want to have all the answers. I want things to fall into place. I want to know.


So that's it. That's all I want. That's not too much, is it? Is what I want what God wants for me? I don't know. I pray for answers. I pray for what I want. And I pray for God to show me His plans. His wants. And that's what I'm waiting for.

Three Months and Everything's Changing

My little baby is three months old! And I'll say it again, time keeps moving way too fast! And I know I'm going to be saying this every time I post here! :) But it's been so much fun watching him grow and learn new things!

Jacob is becoming much more vocal, cooing at us, blowing bubbles, laughing and giggling, buzzing his lips and making random noises. And they are just the cutest things I've ever heard. I could sit and listen to him "talk" to me all day! Especially when he smiles when he talks! He's also getting much better at tummy time, not getting as mad when we put him down but sometimes even enjoying it! He's doing great at pushing himself up on his arms and looking around. And he's even been getting better at rolling over more quickly to his back! He has also rolled from his back to his tummy a few times, although he normally can't get that one arm out from under himself. But he likes to roll to his side a lot and then back to his back again. 
Jacob also loves to put things in his mouth, or try to put things in his mouth! He loves to chew and suck on his own hands. But his coordination is getting much better as well! He can pull some things towards him like blankets and certain toys, which he'll then try to put in his mouth. You can also see that he's trying to reach out and grab at toys around him. Sometimes he'll get them and others he'll just bat at them. We have a little activity chair for him that he's really starting to enjoy sitting in and play with the toys around him. 
He loves to move around all the time - laying down on his play mat, sitting on the couch or even while you're holding him. He will just kick his little legs and swing his arms all around. He's got some great strength in his legs too and is getting better at putting his weight on them when you hold him up. He's definitely going to keep us busy once he becomes mobile!
Overall, he's become much more aware of everything around him and a very active baby! He's a lot of fun to interact with now too because he'll interact back with you! We've decided he's becoming quite the charmer! Everyone who meets automatically falls in love with him! And it's easy to see why! :) 

In other news, Austin is keeping very busy at school. He's doing a fall musical and he's decided to do "Annie" this year. Rehearsals have started and performances are the first weekend in November, so they've got a lot of work to do. He's working with someone from the community to help with some of the drama so he can focus on the music side a little bit more, which is nice. He's also still learning about his students and they're trying to find a groove that fits together. The choir is very different from his choir at Riverside and so there's a learning curve. But I know, with time, they're going to find something that works and he'll be just as successful at D-NH, if not more! I think he's also enjoying teaching the third and fourth graders but would much rather be teaching middle school so he could build up the program more. We'll see if that's something he'll be able to do next year.  

And in case you haven't heard, I'm officially back in the workforce! I've started my new job as the Marketing Coordinator at Maple Manor Village in Aplington, Iowa, which is a nursing home and an assisted living home. A quick overview of what I'll be doing is of course all of their marketing (posters, ads, newsletters, etc.), event planning within the community and working on inquiries and referrals. This will actually be a good mix of my past two jobs - marketing, like I did at Kruger, and then going out into the public and being a face for the company, like I was for UNO. But this is in a totally different industry which means I have a lot to learn. But I think it's going to be a great new and exciting challenge and I'm really looking forward to working here. 

So this also means that Jacob has started daycare. We found a great in-home daycare in Dike, just two blocks from the school. It's run by a husband and wife who are both super nice. We love that it's so close to school, not too many kids, at someone's house but also still structured. I was having some pretty bad anxiety about having to leave Jacob at daycare for his first day, for a number of reasons. I had been able to spend three amazing months at home with him and those are days that I'll treasure forever. So it was going to be a big adjust me for me not to have all that time with him! I was also worried because he had been fighting sleep and would only fall asleep in my arms most of the time and I knew that was something he wouldn't be able to do at daycare. However, the first drop off wasn't nearly as bad as I originally thought. And of course Jacob did great! He's a champ! And all the other kids just loved him! They swarmed his carseat as soon as we got there! :) He's pretty much the center of attention! And daycare has been great for his sleeping habits!

Like I mentioned, Jacob was having a hard time going to sleep. He would be obviously tired but would fight it really hard. He would not fall asleep on his own, he would just cry and cry and I couldn't stand listening to him cry so hard, so I'd always go pick him up. So we tried swaddling, shushing, rocking, singing, walking, bouncing, going outside, putting him in a swing, opening the freezer door for a cool breeze... I tried it all. And it would take a combination of some of these. And then as a last result, I'd give him a little bit of gripe water and that would almost always calm him down enough for me to get him to sleep. But then I would hold him while he slept, if I tried putting him down, he'd wake up and cry. Even after just a couple of days at daycare, Jacob has been doing better. At daycare, they told me he'll cry for a little bit and then put himself to sleep! So I thought, okay, time to try it at home! Up until this point, Jacob had still been sleeping in our room too. So, the other night, I put him down in his crib while he was still awake, shut the door and waiting for him to start fussing. I expected him to fussy some, but he did nothing! He just fell asleep! I was amazed! The next night, I put him down again while he was still awake. This time he did cry for a bit, but eventually fell asleep again! We've even been putting him down in there for his naps over the weekend and it's been working out pretty good. 

I have noticed that since putting Jacob in his crib, he's been waking up more often to eat but I don't know if the two are related. I've read about the four month sleep regression and he's also had a bit of a cold so who knows what exactly is waking him up more often. But we're making progress in the right direction! And that's all that matters! It's been great having him in his own room finally too. We don't have to be quite as quiet when we're getting ready for bed and can stay up a little bit later, although we're almost always in bed when Jacob goes down! 

So, life is definitely changing and we're adjusting to a new life as two working parents. But I think it's all going well and we're going to like our new life. And it's so much fun watching Jacob change every day! I'm looking forward to seeing where life leads us! But it feels like things are starting to fall into place and we're finally getting some answers to our prayers, which is a great feeling. God is good. 

A Blessed and Busy Weekend

Last Thursday we woke up, did a couple of feedings with Jacob, packed up the car, did another feeding and hit the road. It was our first real road trip with the little man, and it was a long one. We were heading to Minnesota, just under a five hour drive. Luckily, Jacob does great in the car! He seems to really love the carseat and will normally just nap! We ended up stopping only twice to feed and the second stop worked out so we could stop to see Jacob's clans-aunt! 

We made it to Minnesota around dinner time on Thursday evening. On Friday we ran some errands in Mankato and then stopped to see Grandma Reedstrom at work so she could show Jacob off. On Saturday morning, we headed into town for a baby shower for Jacob with some of my high school friends. I love that even after all this time, we can still get together and have plenty of things to talk about. Our get togethers have also become more noisy with toddlers running around and babies crying - but still a ton of fun! Jacob got to meet a lot of family and friends all weekend! Saturday night, Austin's family drove up to Minnesota and we enjoyed a really nice dinner outside and spending time on the porch. But Sunday was definitely the busiest day! 

On Sunday morning, we woke up early and headed to church. It was time to baptize Jacob! My mom suggested it when she was down visiting. Megan was going to be giving the sermon back at my hometown church - the same church my parents got married in, my siblings and I were all baptized and confirmed in. We weren't sure it was going to work since the date was only a couple of weeks away when the idea was brought up but luckily it worked for immediate family so we went ahead and set it up. There was a baptismal gown that my mom had made which my siblings and I all wore at our baptisms and I wanted Jacob to be baptized in it as well. And with the way Jacob has been growing, I didn't want to wait too long! :) 

It had rained some that morning and on our way to church, we saw a rainbow. I had been nervous about getting Jacob baptized because I was worried he was going to scream either the entire service or at the very least during the baptism. And I really didn't want that! But when I saw that rainbow I thought of it as a sign from God that the service was going to go well. Austin later suggested that maybe my Grandma Reedstrom had sent the rainbow to let us know she was with us that day. I like to think that's true. And Jacob did great during the service! We ended up feeding him right at the start of the service and he pretty much slept through the whole thing! Megan gave a great sermon and Jacob even helped with the children's sermon! Then it was time for the baptism! Jacob's sponsors are Megan (my sister) and Amber and Matt (Austin's sister and brother-in-law). Jacob pretty much slept through the baptism but right after Pastor Salim got done pouring the water over his head, Jacob let out a cute little sigh. Jacob is so blessed to have such great family and now he is a part of even a larger family - God's family. It was a great service. 

After church, it was back to the house for lunch with family and friends. Then in the afternoon, we headed back out to church. My little sister was getting ordained! Megan graduated from seminary this past May and recently received her first call (aka, her first job!). She will be heading to the Minnesota north woods to a two-point parish in Bigfork and Effie, Minnesota. So on Sunday afternoon, the bishop of her synod came down to perform her ordination service. It was a really cool service to be able to witness and I could not be more proud of her! She's going to do great things up north! :) We're also excited to be able to head up there eventually and see her house and the churches she'll be working at. Although, it will probably be a little while because it's quite the drive! 

On Monday, we were going to head back to Iowa but the weekend had been so busy and exhausting, we decided to take one more day to rest up and take advantage of family who was willing to hold and watch Jacob while Austin and I slept. :) And on Tuesday, we finally headed back home. As nice as it was to be around so many family and friends, it was also nice to be back at home again. 

During our time in Minnesota, Jacob was more fussy than normal. I think that the change in location, routine, meeting new people and all the new noises were a lot for him. Understandable! But it made the weekend very exhausting. Even though I may have gotten more sleep, I felt more exhausted from trying to comfort Jacob so much and feeding more than normal. Now that we're back at home, we're trying to establish our routine again. And we're slowly getting there. 

But Jacob is definitely growing! He'll have spurts throughout the day where he'll feed every hour! Mostly this happens in the evening and that's also when he's the most fussy. It makes me sad because I don't know if there's something bothering him or if he just feels like crying. We did buy some gas drops to give him when he's being really fussy to see if it helps with tummy problems. And so far it does seem to be helping. 

I read a blog post the other day about surviving the first few weeks home from the hospital with a new baby. Reading it, I could have sworn it could have been taken from a journal I had written. (You can read it here) I had all this energy when we first got home from the hospital, which was surprising because I thought my recovery after a c-section was going to be harder on me. But I had a great recovery with hardly any pain. I wanted to be up and getting things done. But I resisted. Having family there to help me get those things done for me really helped. After the first couple of weeks my energy did start to slow down. I wasn't feeling exhausted but I was definitely finding it easier to stay and bed and take naps with my little man. The blog post had some good tips and the one I loved the most was to watch your newborn sleep. I love doing that so much. He's so peaceful looking when he's sleeping and I can't help but stare. It's very distracting. :) 

Another thing the blog briefly talks about is breastfeeding. This was something I always knew I would do. I wanted to do this. It's healthier for the baby, cheaper for us and I wanted to experience that bonding I had read about. But I have to admit, I don't love it. I don't necessarily enjoy breastfeeding. Please don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I am able to breastfeed because I know some women can't and I can't imagine not being able to provide for my son that way. But it's not something I just can't wait to do again when feeding time comes around - especially during Jacob's cluster feedings! It's exhausting knowing that my body isn't my own during those times. It takes time to get it done. And when we're with other people, I don't like having to excuse myself for 20 plus minutes at a time, missing out on conversations and taking Jacob away from people (because let's be honest, it's him people want to see!). I know I could use a cover (something I still need to buy...) and breastfeed in the room with people, but I just don't feel comfortable with that yet. Jacob and I are still figuring out how to work together. Right now, it just feels tiring, messy and time-consuming. But I know it will get better. And again, don't think I don't want to breastfeed, because I do! Jacob and I just need some more time to get it down to a science. 

But back to the what matters: Jacob! Jacob is officially one month old! And he now weighs just over 10lbs! And my growing boy is getting stronger every day! We're still working on tummy time to help strengthen his neck and back muscles, but he's working on that even when we're not doing tummy time! Putting Jacob up over our shoulder, he'll push himself with arms and hold his head up and look around! And he's doing it longer each time! The other night during tummy time, again he used him arms to push himself up to look around! It's just amazing! His legs are always getting stronger! He will push up against either Austin and I with his legs and hold his cute little butt up in the air. :) I just love watching to see all the new things he does every day! He also continues to find new noises to make, which are too cute! I can't believe one month has gone by already! Time can certainly slow down any day! 

One Month Old - July 26, 2013

My thoughts on our new adventure

Three years ago, Austin and I made the decision to move to Western Iowa when Austin accepted his first teaching position at Riverside. At the time, it was a huge decision for us. We were newlyweds, I had a great job and we were living in an area where we had been throughout our college years. We were comfortable where we were. In fact, you can go back and read old blog posts from that time to see how we came to the decision to move and what that all meant for us. 

I'll admit right here that while there was some excitement over our move, especially for Austin to start his first teaching job, I was somewhat leery about moving to Western Iowa. After Austin had officially accepted the job, we came out here to start looking for apartments. I really wasn't impressed by what I was seeing and had some doubts about if this was the right decision or not. But we found an apartment we liked, in time I found a great job in Omaha and we started to make this our home. 

Now if you were to ask me if I think we made the right decision three years ago, I would say absolutely. This is where we were meant to be at this time. We've developed some great friendships with people and have some very supportive communities that we belong to. 

My co-workers at UNO became close friends very quickly and have made going to work for the past two years feel nothing like work. :) I've been blessed to work with such a great group of people and in an environment where we can have fun together both at the office and outside of work. 
The staff, students and parents of the Riverside School District have also been of great support to us. They welcomed us into their community with open arms. Again, I say that we've been blessed to get to know many of them throughout different events and activities. We actually moved to Oakland after our first year out here and being a part of this district has been great. Austin has really been able to grow the vocal music program from the ground up over the past couple of years and that would not have been possible without the support of the community. 
I would also say that we've been extremely blessed to be a part of the Grist Mill Theater community. After participating in the production of "Annie" last summer, we made some great new friends. This group of people is one of the best that you'll meet. Welcoming, supportive, fun. It was a great experience that left us with some great new friendships. 

When we had family or friends come and visit us, many of them would say how great of a community we're apart of and how lucky we are to know such great people. And I would agree. Austin and I are both so grateful for all of these friendships and the support we've gotten over the past couple of years. It's meant a lot to us. 

The one downside - and I mean it, there is literally just one - of living in Southwest Iowa is the distance to our families. It's a five hour drive to my parent's home in Minnesota and a four hour drive over to Austin's parents in Eastern Iowa. This has been hard for us as family means everything to both Austin and I. And I know I should feel lucky that we don't live any farther away than we already do! I think five hours is definitely my limit. 

And so we've always said that at some point, we want to get closer to our families again. Especially when we decided we wanted to start a family. But deciding if now is the time to leave Riverside hasn't been an easy decision. We tried (unsuccessfully!) to convince our families to move here so we wouldn't have to leave! :) But in the end, we want to be closer. And with a baby on the way, Austin started applying for jobs. 

I do want to say here that Austin wasn't going to apply for just any job. We weren't looking to leave Riverside because we didn't like it - nothing could be further from the truth. He was only going to apply for jobs that put us closer to family and that would potentially be in larger school districts. We were also looking for larger areas so that finding a job for me hopefully wouldn't be too difficult. 

And there were some jobs that fit what we were looking for, mostly back in Eastern Iowa. He applied early and we didn't really think we'd hear back from any of them that quickly. Soon I had left for Minnesota for two weeks for work and that's when things started to happen. 

On the Wednesday of the first week I was gone, I had a text from Austin saying that Dike-New Hartford had called him and wanted him to come interview Thursday - as in the next day! And while I thought "hm, that's really fast!", I was also excited. For those of you that don't know, DNH is located about 20 minutes west of Cedar Falls and Waterloo - where we lived before moving here. In fact, my old job at Kruger Seeds was actually located in Dike! So this is all very familiar territory for us. The Cedar Falls/Waterloo area, being just 30 minutes south of Wartburg, is about as close as we're able to get to halfway between our families. The drive is three hours up to my parents and just two hours down to Austin's. 

So Thursday, Austin drove over to Dike for his interview and I anxiously awaited his call to hear how it went. Finally he called and told me all about it. He said he really like the people he met with, thought he could get along with them really well and thought the program would be a great program to come into. He also said that they were doing more interviews on Friday (the next day) but were hoping to have an offer out to someone by Friday evening. Well, in our experience, these things tend to get stretched out and so we weren't expecting to hear from them right away. 

Well Friday comes and before the day is over, Austin is calling me telling me DNH has offered him the job. And that they want an answer by Monday. Well I'm not sure how Austin was feeling but I was a little bit shocked! That wasn't much time for us to consider everything and the worst part was that I was still in Minnesota while Austin was back here at home. Not being together to make such a big decision was frustrating. 

We spent a lot of time on the phone that weekend, going over everything. The benefits of taking the job, the stress of moving with a newborn, me having to find a job, being closer to family, taking a look at the district and seeing if it's a place where we could stay for a long time... etc. It was a lot of back and forth. In the end, it's about putting it all in God's hands and letting Him guide us to the right decision. The only problem was that a weekend isn't a lot of time to try and listen for an answer. 
In the end though, a decision was made. Austin called me on Monday and said he was going to accept the job. Looking at the position and the school district, he felt comfortable in saying that it feels like the right fit and a place where he can continue to grow professionally. And that's really all that matters. Everything else surrounding the move will fall into place in due time. I'm confident in saying that God will help us. 

And so that's where we are today. We're moving back to the Cedar Valley. The place where we went to college, where we met, where we got married and where we started out together. We're both very comfortable in the area and that's helpful to us as we start to plan our move back. We'll be able to get involved in a new community with the school district and we're also looking forward to going back to a community that we were a part of - a community at Zion Lutheran Church. Austin directed the choir and the bell choir there for two years before we moved and we're both looking forward to being back to such a great church family. 

We're excited. We're excited about the move, about the new possibilities and new adventures that will come our way. There's a lot to be nervous about it as well, but definitely a lot of excitement. But there's also a lot of sadness. Leaving this area is going to be hard. Maybe even harder than we're anticipating. There are going to be some hard good-byes. Some of which have already started. 

Austin and I will both agree that we will treasure our time that we've been out here. We've grown as individuals, as a couple and professionally. I know that we were meant to be here for the last three years. We've learned a lot and done a lot. We've met some amazing people. It's been a great experience. 

But now it's time we make that next step. We're starting a family. We're ready to start settling down in a place. We're ready for new adventures. And there are sure to be some adventures in our future. 

Wedding Memories

This past weekend, Austin and I had the chance to attend and be a part of the wedding of some good friends of ours. This was actually the first wedding we've had (or could make) all summer. So it had been well over a year since we've attended a wedding. And this got me thinking...

The wedding this past weekend was simply beautiful - full of love and joy. You could see it on everyone that was present. Austin and I had a the amazing opportunity to be a part of this wedding by singing. It's always an honor when we get asked to sing and be a part of someone's special day. And this was no different.

Throughout the ceremony and even the whole day, I was reminded of our wedding day. We too got married at the Wartburg Chapel and that in itself holds a lot of memories. But the day brought back a lot of feelings. Those feelings of butterflies, of complete joy, of the unexpected. Your wedding day is going to be one of the most fun and joyous days of your life. And after three years of marriage, you forget what those feelings were like. You lose sight of them. You get caught up in the every day stuff. The normal. The boring. And I think it's good to be reminded about how you felt on your wedding day.

Your wedding day is more than just a big party. It's the day you commit yourself to another person. Fully. Completely. You make vows. You make promises. You agree to spend the rest of your lives with each other. And that's where it can get tough. Because marriage is not like the wedding day. It's not all fun, party and dancing. It's work. It's compromise. It's exhausting some days. But it's what you've agreed to.

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband. I love our marriage. I love our life. But it's still easy to lose sight of these things. Maybe that's why you're suppose to make a big deal out of your anniversary every year. To help remind you of those vows you made on your wedding day. To help remind you of that joy you have deep in your heart. Of that love. I'm sad to say that Austin and I haven't been the best at celebrating our actual anniversary. We're both busy that time of year and we haven't even really been together on that day. But I think we need to do better. I think we need to take the time each October 24th and watch our wedding video. To look at the pictures. To read through our guestbook and cards. I mean, why else do we have them? 

So to my friends that just got married, to my friends who are currently planning their weddings and to my friends who have been married: Remember your wedding day. Remember that joy. That nervousness. That love. Remember those vows. Those promises. Remember the Bible verses you had read or the songs that you had sung. Remember the family and friends that were there to support you. Remember that God is there every step of the way. And remember your spouse. And why you love them. Why you married them.

Austin, I love you with all of who I am. I love every day we've spent together and I look forward to every day we will get to be together. I cherish all of the memories that we've made and try to wait patiently as we make new ones. I will love you every day of my life. You are my other half. And I would be lost without you.  

"Where you go, I go; and where you live, I'll live. Your people are my people, your God is my god; where you die, I'll die, and that's where I'll be buried." 

Ruth 1:16-17

Surrender

Do you ever make plans? You get this great idea of something you want or something you want to do. Sometimes these plans are just an idea that you have and some plans are set into motion by other events.
So you have these plans and you start thinking about your future. How it's all going to work out. What you're going to do once it happens. How you're going to react. How you're going to tell your family and friends. You start to get excited. You get your hopes up. You start dreaming and imaging how wonderful things are going to be. How amazing everything will work out because of your plans.

But then something changes. Your plans go awry. Your dreams and your hopes are gone.

Has this ever happened do you? Have you ever felt this disappointment? This frustration? This sadness? It's happened to me, too. More than once.
But then I realize something. I realize why my plans don't work.

My plans get changed because they weren't God's plans for me.

I've always strongly believed that everything happens for a reason and that God does indeed have a plan for me. I don't know what His plan is, I don't know what it entails or how it will work out. But I do believe it's there. I believe that I have to trust Him. To have faith in Him.

It's easy to say "trust in Him" or "have faith in God's plans for you". It's very easy to say those things - to yourself, to others. But it's a totally different thing to actually follow through on them. And this is where I've been struggling lately.

I know that God has a plan for me. But lately I've had my own plans in mind. I've had my own wants and dreams. I feel like what I have are good plans, good wants, good dreams. I feel like they're things God would approve of. That God would want for me in my life. So what I can't understand is why God isn't just giving me my plans, my wants, my dreams.

But that's not how God works.

And so I'm struggling. I'm struggling to let go and let God. I'm struggling to let go of my plans and surrender them to God. I'm holding them too close and I'm not sure how to let go of them. I don't know how to start that process. Sure I can say that I've let go of them, but deep down I know that's not true.

Some days while I'm thinking about our future plan - whether it be my plan or God's plan - I try to listen for an answer from God. I try to listen and hear if he'll tell me what the right plan is. You see, two years ago when Austin and I were trying to figure out if a move to Western Iowa was the right plan for us, I heard God. I heard God speak to my heart telling me that it was the right decision. And that whole week I was reassured by verses I heard on the radio or hymns that were sung in church. I heard God speak to me that week.

And so that's what I'm listening for again today. I'm waiting for God to speak to my heart. I'm waiting for that reassuring verse on the radio. I'm waiting to hear God. But I'm not hearing anything. So I wonder: am I listening too hard? Or am I not listening in all the right places? Maybe I'm expecting this time to be exactly like it was two years ago - a clear voice. And I wonder, will God speak to me the same way again? Or am I not opening up my heart enough to fully listen to what's around me?

And so here I sit. Waiting. Listening. Trying to let go.

God, give me the strength to let go. To let go of my own plans and wants. Help me to surrender them up to You. Give me the patience to wait for Your timing. Help me stay strong in my faith of You. Help me to open up my heart so that I will hear You when You speak to me. Amen.