Just a day or two later, I was at the Women's Leadership Conference. There were vendors set up and many of them had stickers available to add to your name tag. I think it was probably the first booth I stopped at, asked me if I wanted a sticker. I randomly picked out the word hope because I liked the font. :)
Later I stopped at another vendor, a Christian book and decor store and entered my name into a drawing. I mean, that's just what you do at these things, right? To enter, I had to put down a word of inspiration. Well, hope was still on my mind so that is what I wrote. During the afternoon session, my phone buzzed. I had won a prize and to stop by and pick it up when I could! During the next break I went to check it out. I had won a 2018 planner and the word on the front cover? HOPE. I started to get the feeling someone was trying to tell me something. :)
The word stuck with me. I planned to do some more scripture reading to see if I could figure out why this should probably be my 2018 word, but things got busy and I didn't really ever get to that. But I didn't forget the word either. I decided to make it my 2018, even if I wasn't entirely sure why this was my word.
It wasn't until right at the end of the year, having it confirmed on January 1, why HOPE needed to my 2018 word.
As I thought over the past year, I was happy with goals that I reached. But it was also a hard year. There were a lot of frustrations, a lot of dark times, a lot of struggles. They had to do with a variety of things... the divorce, job searches, being a single-mom and even other little unimportant things.
During those times, I was often in a bad mood. Angry, hurt, depressed. Whether or not I confided with anyone about what was going on, it usually showed through my actions. In fact, I can point to more than one occasion, when someone was trying to cheer me up, I literally said out loud I would rather be in a bad mood. It felt easier. I wanted the sympathy, I wanted to dwell in my self-pity. I wanted to be in the bad mood. But I also know that's not healthy.
One of these occasions was when I was lamenting about hitting the deer and having to deal with all the car insurance stuff. Well my mom - ever the optimist - wasn't going to let me get away with it. She immediately told me to take out a piece of paper and start writing down the things we were all thankful for as a family. Week-long visits from Meg. That I wasn't hurt in the accident. Being employed. Having a washer and dryer. Strawberries (Jacob's).
While it takes a shift in mindset to do this sort of thing, it always makes you feel better about your current situation. This, I realized, is what I need to be better at in 2018.
I'm still going to have bad days, struggles, stress. I'm still going to feel overwhelmed or resentful sometimes. That will never change. But what I can change, is how I choose to look at those situations. Or how I choose to focus on gratitude instead.
When looking at the definition of HOPE, you may think that the word OPTIMISTIC might be a better word for what I'm trying to achieve. And while that is a word I'll try to focus on as well, I think HOPE is more encompassing.
During those dark times when nothing seems to be going right, I can be hopeful that it might be a learning experience I need. And maybe even try to see what that lesson might be right then. During times of anger or resentment, I can hope for things to change. And if I'm focusing on hope for things to change, I'm probably going to be putting in more effort to make those things change.
This is not where I saw my life taking me. And in all honestly, I'm not at a place I want to be at. I want more (even if I don't know what that is most days...). HOPE is my reminder that there can be more, will be more. HOPE is my reminder to have a better outlook on life, on specific situations. And HOPE is my trust in God and His plans for my life.
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