2018 - The Year of Hope?

At the beginning of the year, I determined my Word of the Year was going to be Hope. You can read all about why I chose this word in my first blog post of the year. Even with that initial blog post, I'm not sure I had much conviction about why HOPE was my 2018 Word of the Year.

As I reflect back on this past year, I struggled to understand why HOPE was the my word. Why was I called to have that word surround me? What was the point? The meaning?

Especially as this past year, there were moments when I've never felt more hopeless. There were moments that hope seemed like the farthest thing possible. Instead there was pain and sadness and grief and anger. This past year was a year where a person I love decided to give up all hope.

It felt at times that my word was only taunting me. Reminding me of the things I lost, the things I'll never have. Dangling just out of my reach.

Until now. During this advent season. When I read an advent devotional*. Below are the words that spoke out to me. 

In the midst of a world of fear, we can still keep the faith. In the midst of darkness, we can still know light. During a time of sorrow, we can still find joy. 

All of this tells me that no matter how much hurt is in the world or in my heart, there can still be hope. 

Without hope, we get stuck in this anger and it simply leaves a path of destruction in its wake. But when we hope, we also find the courage to act, to speak, to believe and even to wait. 

At the top of the page in the devotional book, I circled the word HOPE in the title. Next to it I wrote "my 2018 word of the year, still don't know why" before reading the rest of the devotional. 

And it was when I read this sentence: "All of this tells me that no matter how much hurt is in the world or in my heart, there can still be hope." that I thought - is this it? Is this why HOPE was my 2018 word of the year? That after all the very bad and the pain and sadness, there is STILL HOPE. 

Maybe it truly is as simple as that. After a year of feeling hopeless, of grief, of anger, of pain, I can acknowledge that there is indeed still hope. Hope to keep going. Hope to keep loving. Hope for transformation. Hope in God. 

In a lot of ways, it was not a great year. It was a hard year. But as I reflect now, I can see the moments of hope. I can understand how hope kept me going, even if I didn't realize that's what it was. And I can believe that hope will continue. 

I sit in awe of the fact that God spoke this word of HOPE to me over a year ago. I'm glad I listened even when I didn't understand. And I'm grateful for the understanding now. 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13 


*For those wondering, the devotional came from Advent Devotional provided by my church, Christ the King Lutheran. Devotionals and messages were submitted by staff and members of the congregation. This devotional of hope? Well, it was written by Pastor Trish. Darn those mothers for always knowing what to say. :) 

 

A 2018 Update

It's officially June 2018 and I haven't done a proper update for any of 2018. Understandable, all things considered, but I still think it's important to provide an update. I love being able to go back and read old blog posts to see what sort of things were going on in our lives at that point. So, here it goes. 

The year started out like any other. Early in January, I auditioned for a local choir, Minnesota Valley Chorale and was offered a spot in the choir. I was excited to get back to more singing! I also underestimated the demand and level of excellence that was expected from me with the group. But I'm not complaining, it was like being back with the Wartburg Choir, and fun do to some really challenging pieces of music again. Unfortunately, we only got to perform one of our concerts, the other being cancelled by a blizzard. The experience was amazing and I hope to continue to be a part of the group! 

*****

Well, I started this post in June. It's now August 3rd. So this post seems to be going about the same as 2018, it feels like. Let's see if I can wrap this up. 

I also helped my aunt during the first two months as she ran for MN House Rep in a special election. It was a fun and crazy experience - I can't even image how crazy for her! And it also gave me a small idea of what it would be like if I ever decided to run for office and um... well, let's just say I'm not sure about that any more. :) 

Jacob continued to do great at preschool

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Seriously, I'm on a role. It's August 30th. Let's see if I can actually finish this thing. (I said this last time...)

Jacob continued to do great at preschool. This fall he'll be doing the Knights Plus program - basically a pre-kindergarden program for late spring/summer birthday kids. It's a level higher than preschool and he'll be at school five days a week for the full day. I'm really excited for this opportunity for Jacob! I think it's going to be the perfect fit for him. He's excited to get started, to able to ride the bus both to school and back to daycare, and we're excited to meet his teacher next week at conferences. 

Honestly, after February, much of the year so far seems a blur. Life obviously continued to go on and our lives were busy. But I think I was - and sometimes still - functioning on survival mode. 

I tried to stay present for Jacob. I set a goal to go on adventures this summer, just Jacob and I. And I'll admit, we didn't do nearly as many as I wanted. The few we did were very fun adventures though. I can't believe that summer is coming to end. It flew by. It seems like we were so busy yet didn't do anything. 

I did have some opportunities to hang out with old friends, ones I don't see to see very often. And I can't tell you how refreshing that is. I only wish we could do it more! But I'm grateful for these friendships and our time together and conversations. 

At the beginning of August, I got to do something I've never done before. I particpated in a 5K. I'm not big on the whole excerise thing. :) But this 5K had been planned in memory of Austin. Focus Up on Mental Health. Bringing awareness to mental health, donating the proceeds to NAMI. It was an honor to be a part of. It was good to honor AJ's memory. It felt like we were fighting for something, helping others. 

I love this picture of Jacob. Running to the finish line. As the group I was walking with entered the track again, Jacob joined us. While I thought he would walk with us, holding my hand, he took off, running the length of the track and across the finish line. I'm not sure Jacob truly understood what we were doing or why, but I do believe that his dad was with him at this moment. 

Earlier this month, we took our first big family vacation, with all of us kids now being adults. The seven us flew down to Florida to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday - it was totally a birthday wish come true for him! :) We spent three and half days in Orlando at Disney and Universal Studios. Jacob was an absolute champ. He surived all three park days without a stroller and at least 6 or 7 hours at the parks each day. There were of course some mini meltdowns and too many gifts bought... but I was very proud of how he did. We spent some time at the Kennedy Space Center and then a full day at Cocoa Beach. Thank goodness for the beach umbrellas at our Airbnb! Although a majority of us still got sunburned and I got stung by a jellyfish. So super fun times! :) Jacob loved the ocean and the waves and it was so amazing to experience his first trip to the ocean. Once we landed back in Minnesota, Jacob decided he could finally rest since vacation was over. Immediately after we got off the plane, Jacob fell asleep while my dad, Dan and I carried his dead weight through the airport. :) 

It was super hot in Florida and while that was nice some of the time - or all the time if you're my mom - it was nice to come back to some cooler weather. Although it immediately put me in the mood for fall. And yesterday seemed to be a step through that Summer-Fall transition. The weather has been cooler and sleeping with the windows open has been amazing. I had orienation at Fun.com where I'll work my third year doing customer service for their busy season. Worship choir rehearsal started back up again. And my calendar is quickly filling up with all those activities that come with school starting, church activities and other fall fun. 

I reread a post from this time last year and how I was hesitant to welcome fall. It's unbelievable how much as changed in a year. But I'm more ready for fall this year. I'm ready for this next season. I'm ready for the fresh start fall promises. I'm ready to turn a new leaf and start moving past survival mode. Now let's see if I can actually make that happen. 

2018: A year of HOPE

So this story actually begins back at the beginning of November. I was in a meeting with one of my bosses and we started discussing things like vision boards, resolutions, goals, words etc. that we set for ourselves in the new year. I explained my 2017 word and that I'd felt pretty successful about the year. I admitted I hadn't really thought about what 2018 should look like yet, but I wanted to do something similar - a word to focus on. 

Just a day or two later, I was at the Women's Leadership Conference. There were vendors set up and many of them had stickers available to add to your name tag. I think it was probably the first booth I stopped at, asked me if I wanted a sticker. I randomly picked out the word hope because I liked the font. :) 

Later I stopped at another vendor, a Christian book and decor store and entered my name into a drawing. I mean, that's just what you do at these things, right? To enter, I had to put down a word of inspiration. Well, hope was still on my mind so that is what I wrote. During the afternoon session, my phone buzzed. I had won a prize and to stop by and pick it up when I could! During the next break I went to check it out. I had won a 2018 planner and the word on the front cover? HOPE. I started to get the feeling someone was trying to tell me something. :) 

The word stuck with me. I planned to do some more scripture reading to see if I could figure out why this should probably be my 2018 word, but things got busy and I didn't really ever get to that. But I didn't forget the word either. I decided to make it my 2018, even if I wasn't entirely sure why this was my word.

It wasn't until right at the end of the year, having it confirmed on January 1, why HOPE needed to my 2018 word. 

As I thought over the past year, I was happy with goals that I reached. But it was also a hard year. There were a lot of frustrations, a lot of dark times, a lot of struggles. They had to do with a variety of things... the divorce, job searches, being a single-mom and even other little unimportant things.

During those times, I was often in a bad mood. Angry, hurt, depressed. Whether or not I confided with anyone about what was going on, it usually showed through my actions. In fact, I can point to more than one occasion, when someone was trying to cheer me up, I literally said out loud I would rather be in a bad mood. It felt easier. I wanted the sympathy, I wanted to dwell in my self-pity. I wanted to be in the bad mood. But I also know that's not healthy. 

One of these occasions was when I was lamenting about hitting the deer and having to deal with all the car insurance stuff. Well my mom - ever the optimist - wasn't going to let me get away with it. She immediately told me to take out a piece of paper and start writing down the things we were all thankful for as a family. Week-long visits from Meg. That I wasn't hurt in the accident. Being employed. Having a washer and dryer. Strawberries (Jacob's). 

While it takes a shift in mindset to do this sort of thing, it always makes you feel better about your current situation. This, I realized, is what I need to be better at in 2018. 

I'm still going to have bad days, struggles, stress. I'm still going to feel overwhelmed or resentful sometimes. That will never change. But what I can change, is how I choose to look at those situations. Or how I choose to focus on gratitude instead. 

When looking at the definition of HOPE, you may think that the word OPTIMISTIC might be a better word for what I'm trying to achieve. And while that is a word I'll try to focus on as well, I think HOPE is more encompassing. 

During those dark times when nothing seems to be going right, I can be hopeful that it might be a learning experience I need. And maybe even try to see what that lesson might be right then. During times of anger or resentment, I can hope for things to change. And if I'm focusing on hope for things to change, I'm probably going to be putting in more effort to make those things change. 

This is not where I saw my life taking me. And in all honestly, I'm not at a place I want to be at. I want more (even if I don't know what that is most days...). HOPE is my reminder that there can be more, will be more. HOPE is my reminder to have a better outlook on life, on specific situations. And HOPE is my trust in God and His plans for my life.