As I reflect back on this past year, I struggled to understand why HOPE was the my word. Why was I called to have that word surround me? What was the point? The meaning?
Especially as this past year, there were moments when I've never felt more hopeless. There were moments that hope seemed like the farthest thing possible. Instead there was pain and sadness and grief and anger. This past year was a year where a person I love decided to give up all hope.
It felt at times that my word was only taunting me. Reminding me of the things I lost, the things I'll never have. Dangling just out of my reach.
Until now. During this advent season. When I read an advent devotional*. Below are the words that spoke out to me.
In the midst of a world of fear, we can still keep the faith. In the midst of darkness, we can still know light. During a time of sorrow, we can still find joy.
All of this tells me that no matter how much hurt is in the world or in my heart, there can still be hope.
Without hope, we get stuck in this anger and it simply leaves a path of destruction in its wake. But when we hope, we also find the courage to act, to speak, to believe and even to wait.
At the top of the page in the devotional book, I circled the word HOPE in the title. Next to it I wrote "my 2018 word of the year, still don't know why" before reading the rest of the devotional.
And it was when I read this sentence: "All of this tells me that no matter how much hurt is in the world or in my heart, there can still be hope." that I thought - is this it? Is this why HOPE was my 2018 word of the year? That after all the very bad and the pain and sadness, there is STILL HOPE.
Maybe it truly is as simple as that. After a year of feeling hopeless, of grief, of anger, of pain, I can acknowledge that there is indeed still hope. Hope to keep going. Hope to keep loving. Hope for transformation. Hope in God.
In a lot of ways, it was not a great year. It was a hard year. But as I reflect now, I can see the moments of hope. I can understand how hope kept me going, even if I didn't realize that's what it was. And I can believe that hope will continue.
I sit in awe of the fact that God spoke this word of HOPE to me over a year ago. I'm glad I listened even when I didn't understand. And I'm grateful for the understanding now.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
*For those wondering, the devotional came from Advent Devotional provided by my church, Christ the King Lutheran. Devotionals and messages were submitted by staff and members of the congregation. This devotional of hope? Well, it was written by Pastor Trish. Darn those mothers for always knowing what to say. :)
