Surrender

Do you ever make plans? You get this great idea of something you want or something you want to do. Sometimes these plans are just an idea that you have and some plans are set into motion by other events.
So you have these plans and you start thinking about your future. How it's all going to work out. What you're going to do once it happens. How you're going to react. How you're going to tell your family and friends. You start to get excited. You get your hopes up. You start dreaming and imaging how wonderful things are going to be. How amazing everything will work out because of your plans.

But then something changes. Your plans go awry. Your dreams and your hopes are gone.

Has this ever happened do you? Have you ever felt this disappointment? This frustration? This sadness? It's happened to me, too. More than once.
But then I realize something. I realize why my plans don't work.

My plans get changed because they weren't God's plans for me.

I've always strongly believed that everything happens for a reason and that God does indeed have a plan for me. I don't know what His plan is, I don't know what it entails or how it will work out. But I do believe it's there. I believe that I have to trust Him. To have faith in Him.

It's easy to say "trust in Him" or "have faith in God's plans for you". It's very easy to say those things - to yourself, to others. But it's a totally different thing to actually follow through on them. And this is where I've been struggling lately.

I know that God has a plan for me. But lately I've had my own plans in mind. I've had my own wants and dreams. I feel like what I have are good plans, good wants, good dreams. I feel like they're things God would approve of. That God would want for me in my life. So what I can't understand is why God isn't just giving me my plans, my wants, my dreams.

But that's not how God works.

And so I'm struggling. I'm struggling to let go and let God. I'm struggling to let go of my plans and surrender them to God. I'm holding them too close and I'm not sure how to let go of them. I don't know how to start that process. Sure I can say that I've let go of them, but deep down I know that's not true.

Some days while I'm thinking about our future plan - whether it be my plan or God's plan - I try to listen for an answer from God. I try to listen and hear if he'll tell me what the right plan is. You see, two years ago when Austin and I were trying to figure out if a move to Western Iowa was the right plan for us, I heard God. I heard God speak to my heart telling me that it was the right decision. And that whole week I was reassured by verses I heard on the radio or hymns that were sung in church. I heard God speak to me that week.

And so that's what I'm listening for again today. I'm waiting for God to speak to my heart. I'm waiting for that reassuring verse on the radio. I'm waiting to hear God. But I'm not hearing anything. So I wonder: am I listening too hard? Or am I not listening in all the right places? Maybe I'm expecting this time to be exactly like it was two years ago - a clear voice. And I wonder, will God speak to me the same way again? Or am I not opening up my heart enough to fully listen to what's around me?

And so here I sit. Waiting. Listening. Trying to let go.

God, give me the strength to let go. To let go of my own plans and wants. Help me to surrender them up to You. Give me the patience to wait for Your timing. Help me stay strong in my faith of You. Help me to open up my heart so that I will hear You when You speak to me. Amen.

God and His Plans

You know, life has a funny way of working itself out. Or maybe it's more God's planning. I'm always truly amazed when things in life get complicated and I start to worry and fret and wonder how it's all going to work out. But then something happens and I see that God truly had a plan in place all along. I suppose you're wondering what on earth I'm talking about?

There was a new position created at Wartburg in the Alumni and Parent Association Office for an Event Planner. I decided to apply and landed an interview. (Now, I don't want you to think that I don't love my current job at UNO because I do. I love what I'm doing, I love working in higher education and I love the people I work with. This was just something I thought I should apply for.) The interview itself went great. The staff at Wartburg were friendly and welcoming and of course it's always great to be back on campus! The position would be helping plan different events throughout the year including Family Weekend, Homecoming and area Outflys. And as it was at my alma mater, it could be a dream job for me. I love planning events, I love all the work that goes into them, the details, the organization. And I love seeing the end results. And who wouldn't want to work for such a great place and one that is so close to my heart?

But after the interview,  I wasn't sure what was next. I didn't know what I would say if they offered me a job. AJ has a much more specific job and he can't just move anywhere. I followed him out to Western Iowa for his job at Riverside. And I realize that it's probably going to almost always be that way - me following him. And I honestly have no problem with that! AJ knows what he wants to do, has that passion and a true talent for it! I will gladly follow him wherever his career may lead him. But AJ doesn't have anything lined up for a job in Eastern Iowa. He has this great job at Riverside and is excited to see how the program continues to grow. I'm not sure I could ask him to leave that. Especially if he doesn't have another teaching job lined up. AJ thought if I was offered the job I should take it. We've lived apart before and although that didn't really work out in our favor last time, he believes that we're in a better place to do it now. It would be his third year of teaching and we know a lot of people in the area now - he's more comfortable. And while I agree with all of that, I still wasn't sure living apart was something I wanted to do. We've begun to talk about when we want to start a family and living apart isn't exactly ideal for that.

And so we were at a crossroads. Waiting. Waiting to hear back from Wartburg. And trying to figure out what I would say if I was offered the job. Well the call finally came on Wednesday afternoon. Wartburg called and told me that it was down to me and one other person and after a lot of discussion, and not without some hard choices, they offered the job to the other person and they accepted. I was told however that they had nothing but great things to say about me and would keep me in mind if any future positions opened up. And while I was bummed about not getting an offer, I was also relieved. I honestly believe that God knew I would not be able to make that decision. So He made it so I wouldn't have to. I am glad that I did the interview. I love Wartburg and would jump at any chance for another interview down the road. And maybe this interview will have been my foot in the door for something else. Something down the road that has better timing for both me and AJ and his career track. Everything happens for a reason. And this situation was no different.

Ironically enough, after receiving the phone call from Wartburg, AJ and I had our Financial Peace University course that night. This lesson was called Working in your Strengths. The class description reads: "This lesson will show you how to avoid dead-end or mind-numbing jobs and provide tips for job hunting, writing a résumé, and acing an interview. Plus, you’ll learn tips for finding extra jobs if you need cash to attack your debt snowball." And our homework for this class period was to come up with a three year professional plan. Well this is something I've always struggled with. I admire AJ so much for knowing what he wants to do and the fact that he's able to do it and do it so well. And while I like the fact that my degree gives me the opportunity to be flexible and do a number of things, I still struggle with what I want to do for the rest of my life. There are a number of things I love to do. And I do love working in Higher Education and I believe I want to stay working in Higher Ed, but doing what exactly? I'm not sure. We were even asked in our discussion after the lesson if we could do anything in the world and money was no object, what would it be. I couldn't answer. I don't know what my dream job is. I'm still searching. I wish someone could tell me what I'm really good at, what my strengths are and what exactly I should be doing. But I know this is something I have to discover for myself. I need to figure out what God put me on this earth to do. But if you have any suggestions, I'll take them! ;-)

Let's get on with some updates now, shall we? March was a busy month for both AJ and I. For me, the month was filled with high school visits and college fairs. For AJ, he was busy working as the National Honor Society adviser and planning the ceremony as well as getting his students ready for solo/ensemble contest. We were also lucky enough to have some visits from friends as well! Amanda and Chelsea were able to come down and we had a pretty fun girls weekend! Even AJ said it wasn't too bad with the three of us together! ;-) The last two weeks of March I was actually up in Minnesota at college fairs. It was a long two weeks to be away from home and from AJ but we survived. I was also able to go to Osseo, WI and visit Meg the weekend in between! It was great because I hadn't been able to visit her yet or see her preach! It was a great weekend and really great to have some sisterly bonding time as well! :) I also managed to get in some time with some high school friends for another baby shower! It's so much fun getting together with these girls and catching up with all of them, but it's also fun to see how our get together's have changed! We had four adorable babies that we kept passing around and it was just so much fun! I can't wait until the next time we're all able to get together again! Maybe next time we'll even have to bring our husbands!

Easter weekend AJ and I drove up to Minnesota where we were able to spend a nice long weekend with family and friends. We managed to get in some good cousin bonding time as well during the weekend since all of us were back home (even if not all quite at the same time...). It's always fun when we can get together which is so hard to do now! But we can always have a good time. Easter itself was a joyous holiday and it was good to be back in church! I'll admit AJ and I have not been very good about getting to church lately! We need to get back in the habit because it's always so great and refreshing! The Monday after Easter we headed back home which of course included a stop to see our growing clans-baby! We just love spending time with him and he is just the cutest baby! :) Monday was a long day though spent in the car, at the doctor's office and getting our taxes done. I am so glad that we finally have our taxes done and it was a lot easier than I thought! We decided to take them into H&R Block because we had too many questions and concerns, especially with me working in Nebraska but living in Iowa. And while it did cost us some money to get them down, the payoff has really been worth it. We originally thought we were going to have to pay a huge chunk of change to the state of Iowa but it turns our we had been filing wrong! So while we still had to pay in, it wasn't nearly as much as we first thought. We also found out that we filed wrong last year (2010) as well! So he was going to look into it further and see if we could possible get some money back from that! So we are keeping our fingers crossed!

Well, that's about it for us right now! School will soon be ending for the year for AJ and then he'll be busy working as the Musical Director of "Annie" for the community theater. We hope to spend this summer with some family time and maybe taking a vacation or two! No matter what we do, we know we'll have a great time!

This is what I believe.

I came across a couple of blogs recently that really caught my interest. The first was a sermon written for the Passion Week that basically combined "It Gets Better" and the "Passion of Christ". It is well worth the time to read. From that entry, I was directed to another blog. This second blog really made me stop and think. In this blog entry, a columnist (and an atheist at that) called out to Christians. Here is the quote:

Sex columnist (and atheist) Dan Savage writes about what he calls NALTs, which stands for Not All Like That. NALTs are Christians who insist that they’re moderate, that they don’t hate, that they are for social justice and human rights, and that they follow a loving, joyous, peaceful Christ. Dan Savage is annoyed because, he says, NALTs apparently exist in large numbers, since they email him in droves every time he calls out the Church for a new example of extreme bigotry, but despite their large numbers, they’re disturbingly silent on the big issues. NALTs are not visible in the current political, theological, and cultural arenas, and Dan Savage wonders why.

The blog goes on to detail a church, full of NALTs. It urges Christians who are NALT to stand up for what they believe in. To fight for their beliefs. To let the world know - we are here.

There's a lot going on in the news lately. A lot of hate. Protests at soldiers' funerals. Resolutions to impeach judges who were only doing their jobs. Bills to ban same-sex marriages in multiple states. And a number of teen suicides brought on by bullying. And this is not okay.

I have decided that for this blog, I'm going to sit down and really think about what I believe in. And then I'm going to make it known. I'm going to shout my beliefs for all to hear. I'm going to fight for those beliefs. Because if you don't fight and stand up for what you truly believe, what do you have? So, here it goes...

I believe in God. I am a Lutheran of the ELCA. I believe that Jesus came to this earth and then died for our sins. I believe He did this so that we could some day have eternal life with Him. I believe Jesus died so that all of our sins are forgiven. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in miracles. I believe in faith. I believe that it's okay not to have all the answers because I have faith. I believe that Jesus preached love. I believe that is not our job as Christians to judge others. I believe that only God can cast judgment on us and He will do so when it is our time. I believe that love is the most important thing of all and that, as Christians, we should promote that love, forgiveness and acceptance.

I believe that family and friends - the people you love - are the most important things in life. I believe that God has a plan for each of us and that while we don't always understand it, He knows what He's doing. I believe that there are messages from God everywhere. I believe that life is not always suppose to be easy and that the pain and hardships we endure make us better people. I believe in the power of music and that it can move the spirit inside people. I believe in happiness. I believe in peace. I believe that being different is okay and you should never hide who you are. I believe in love. I believe in soul mates. I believe in marriage. I believe that marriage is something you have to work at every day.

I believe that being gay is okay. I believe that is not a sin in God's eyes. I believe that God loves everyone for who they are, no matter what - because He made them that way. I believe in my God but I understand that not everyone does. I believe in not pushing my religion onto anyone else. I believe in respecting everyone and their own individual beliefs - religious or not. I believe in being able to have an open mind and open and rational discuss about tough topics. I believe in debates.

I believe in the democracy of America. I believe that every person has a voice and that voice counts. I believe that voting is important and everyone should do it. I believe that the people out fighting for our country (or have) are brave and good people. I believe that anyone should be able to do this if they want and shouldn't have to hide the fact they're gay. I believe in equal rights for everyone. I believe in same-sex marriages. I believe that while some people may personally be against same-sex marriages because of their religion, that does not mean, in any way, they should be denied the same rights that are provided to us by the state (not the church). I believe that while abortion would never be a personal choice for me, every woman should have the right to choose. I believe in helping others that need help. I believe that guns should be harder to obtain and always stay locked up when not in use.

I believe that there is still the American dream and that we shouldn't deny that dream to others just because they weren't born here. But that being said, I believe that those people should come to this country the right and legal way. I believe that the economy will turn around and continue to get better. I believe in public education and that it is sadly under-funded and not supported properly. I believe that health care should be an affordable option for everyone. I believe that as the richest nation in the country, poverty is not okay.

I believe that there are good people out in the world. And while they might not have all the same beliefs I do, I have to believe that there are a large number of people that believe in love. Love, not hate. These are the people who need to speak up. These are the people that need to show the world we are not hateful people. I believe these are the people who can make the world a better place.

Those are my beliefs.

Death isn't a scary thing

I just finished reading a wonderful book called "Heaven is for Real". It is the true story of one little boy's trip to heaven and back. The book caught my eye at Barnes and Noble and I couldn't not buy it. For some reason, death has always fascinated me.

I don't want to give too much of the story away and I really think that everyone should read this book. You're free to borrow my copy even! But in this book, a four year old boy has to go in for an emergency surgery and throughout the following months and even years, he starts to share with his parents about his amazing journey to heaven during his surgery. He talks about meeting Jesus and how much Jesus loves the children. The greatest thing about this book is that it gives you an insight into the belief of a child - the most pure and innocent belief there is. God talks about how you must have the faith of a child to enter heaven, and in this book, you start to understand why.

Growing up, whenever I was asked what my biggest fear was, it was never death. I was never afraid of dying. And that was because I knew that something greater was waiting for me after I die. You hear about this amazing place that God has created for us. And that He sent His son to die for us, so that we can enjoy that eternal life. How could you be afraid of that? My friends and I use to joke in high school about how excited we were to one day be able to frolic down the streets of heaven paved of gold.

In college, I was fortunate enough to take a course taught by the college pastor (and the man that married AJ and I), Pastor Trachte (PT). This was probably one of the most popular religion courses on campus. Throughout the class we discussed how death is viewed in a number of cultures, visited a funeral home, read books, interviewed other people and heard stories of death and dying. One of the most memorable parts of this class was when another Wartburg professor came to speak to our class. He told us that during a surgery, he had visited heaven. He talked about the hundreds of people he saw, the colors that were indescribable and what it was like coming back to earth.

Hearing these stories or reading these books, you can't help but wonder - 'how can this not be real?' It also reaffirms the idea that one day we will see those who we love once again. Being able to be reunited with our family and friends - what a wonderful thought. Knowing that even though they've left us here on earth, they're still watching us from above.

A couple of summers ago, AJ and I were up in Northern Minnesota for a wedding. On our way back to Iowa, I really wanted to stop in the cities to visit my Grandma's grave. My grandma had passed away when I was out in Colorado. In fact my family had just made it back to Minnesota before she passed after dropping me off in Colorado. Because I was out there I was unable to make it back for the burial. And even though I did make it back for the memorial service, I had this guilt. I felt guilty about not being there when she passed. I felt guilty for almost making my dad not be by his mom's side or to be there with his dad and the rest of his family. I felt guilty. And I carried that guilt for a long time.
So I was determined to visit her grave so that I could properly say good-bye and to also introduce her to AJ. When we got there, we had a really hard time finding her grave and the computers at the cemetery to help you were all out of order. Finally, my uncle was able to direct us to the correct area and we found her. I finally had the chance to introduce her to AJ and then he went back to the car so I could have a couple of minutes. I'm not sure I could tell you know what I said to here that day, but I remember what I felt. I felt the tears coming and apologizing for my guilt. But at that moment, I felt lighter. I felt free. I know that was my Grandma telling me it was okay and that I needed to let it go. It was an amazing feeling.

Once we left the cities, we drove back down to Waterloo. Throughout our drive, there were storms and tornadoes all around us. Luckily we had timed things just right and we missed all the major storms. I know without a doubt that was my Grandma making sure we would make it back safely. How great is it to know that our loved ones are taking care of us like that?! That is a day I will never forget.

I had this post written a long time ago but I figured it would be an appropriate Good Friday post. To me, Good Friday is what makes all of Lent and the Easter story real. For me, Good Friday seems to have the most "human" components of the entire story. Maybe it's because on Good Friday, Jesus goes through the most inhumane acts of pain, humiliation, torture and finally death. Maybe Good Friday makes it all real because when I was in high school at a Christian retreat, we walked through a "live" Stations of the Cross. Seeing each station portrayed in front of you, hearing the banging of nails to the cross and the mourning cries from Mary and Jesus' mother... it makes it real. 

If you haven't had the chance to ever see a "live" version of the Stations of the Cross, I suggest you do it. Or finding a showing of the Passion Play. Or maybe rent the movie, 'Passion of Christ'. (Here is a YouTube video I found, if you're interested) Being able to see the events, processing them, it makes you think. Think about what Jesus must have gone through. What He did for us. For me. For you. And because He did this for us, we don't have to fear death.

Giving Something Up for Lent

For Lent this year, I've decided to give up pop. This is a pretty big thing for me considering I was drinking at least one can of pop every day. But as I was deciding on what to give up, I'm not sure I made my decision on the correct reasons. For me, I wanted to give up pop because I know I drink it too much and I want to be healthier. But is it right for me to use Lent as the vehicle to give up pop? I'm not sure...

I could reason it out if I really wanted to... every time I want to reach for a pop, I remember I can't and I then remember to focus upon my sacrifice compared to Jesus' sacrifice. And that then I can be thankful for His sacrifice and that He gave His life so that I could have eternal life. But do I go through that thought process every time I want to drink pop? No. I think about how much I just want one drink of pop! 

So, I decided I needed to do a little bit of research on why people give things up for Lent... and this is what I found...

(from this page)

The tradition to give something up for Lent is actually derived from fasting (following Christ's example of fasting for 40 days in the desert) and it's generally something that we either do a lot of or that we find pleasure in. There are a couple of different reasons why this is done:

• as a disciple for learning self-control, to free our minds from the chase after material things, to tell ourselves "no" and make it stick
• to identify with Christ's sufferings and remember what the true pleasures are for followers of Christ
• as an act of sorrow over our wrongdoings and our state of sin

 This website also says that "sometimes we don't notice how certain things we do have gained power over us and dictate our actions. In Lent fasts, we discover these things and give them up so that God can be in charge. Franciscans use the term 'detachment': the less that 'stuff' preoccupies your life, the more room there is for God, as well as for yourself and for other people."

I really like these explanations. They're easy to understand and simple. And that's what Lent is - about simplifying life and allowing room for God. The more room we have for God, the greater relationship we can have with God, with ourselves and with others. I think that these reasons get lost in the midst of everything else in life. So it's good to be reminded of them. 

It's also common for people to start doing something for Lent. I've also decided to try doing just that this year by reading a devotional or the Bible everyday. Like I mentioned in a previous blog, I get a Lenten devotional emailed to me daily but I've also gotten some new books to start reading. I'm really hoping to start diving in my relationship with God and learning how to strengthen it. And I'm also hoping to dive into my marriage and how God can be a bigger part of that. 

These are my hopes for Lent. Giving up pop may not seem like a huge life difference, and maybe it's not. But I hope that I will think about all the reasons behind Lent every time I want a drink of pop. And maybe it'll help me simplify my life in other ways. And most importantly, I hope it will allow more room for God. Because above all else, He is what matters the most.

Lent

It may seem weird, but Lent is my all time favorite season of the church. I know that Lent is a time of darkness and suffering, but I think that's why I like it so much. Because through all the pain, the darkness, the sadness - there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And that light is Easter! For me, Lent is a time to reflect back on those dark times in my life, to talk to God about them, to seek for forgiveness and then to be able to rejoice in the Resurrection! For me, Lent is a reminder that no matter how bad things might be, God is still there. 

I receive these email devotionals everyday including Lent devotionals. This year's devotionals actually talk about the "battle" between darkness and light. The one for Ash Wednesday talked about this verse:

"The light shines in the darkness, & the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5

 I love knowing that light will always overcome the darkness and not the other way around. It means that God is always going to be there, He is always going to make sure we pull through. The devotional also said this:

All of us struggle with the power of darkness in our lives, the darkness of fear, doubt, dread and anxiety. We see it in our health problems, financial struggles and our strained relationships. We see it in the darkness of our own struggles within.

This is so true in all of our lives. AJ and I have seen our fair share of darkness over the past year. But the devotional goes on to say that God will shine his light into the "darkest corners of our sin-filled hearts and minds." God is going to continue to shine that light for us so we can see the light battle and overcome the darkness for us.

I was unable to make it to an Ash Wednesday service this year, but this is always one of the services I enjoy the most. The ashes that get placed on our heads remind us of the death and darkness in our lives. But they also remind us that Jesus died so that we can have His life and forgiveness. For me, Ash Wednesday services are a powerful event. 

I actually had a very moving experience at the Ash Wednesday service at Wartburg my freshmen year there. I remember writing it all down in a journal and even talking to one of my high school friends about it. I looked and looked to see if I could find that journal entry and even though I couldn't, I did find the conversation I had with my good friend about it. During the service, we each wrote down a sin or a list of sins that were weighing down our hearts. And then we took turns going to the front of the chapel and nailing those sins to the cross. 

In the conversation, I say to my friend that after nailing my slip of paper to that cross, I felt free. I felt lighter. I felt forgiven. For me, that is what Lent is about. It's about letting go of your sins, of your struggles, of your darkness and handing them all over to God. Jesus long ago paid the ultimate price for us. We have been given life and forgiveness because of Him. 

I've ordered a couple of devotional books that I hope to start reading on a daily basis during Lent (and of course after Lent as well!). I hope to share my journey with you in this blog. I hope to strengthen my relationship with God and at the same time hopefully strengthen my relationship with my husband. I've started these devotionals and will be reading from the Couples Devotional Bible that AJ and I got at our wedding (pictured). I was actually going through and was going to underline the verses that we had during the readings at our wedding when I stumbled upon a devotional about some specific struggles that AJ and I are currently dealing with. I knew that was God telling me that it was going to be okay and that He is going to see us through. 

So as this Lenten season begins, I'm excited to start my journey. I'm excited to see how my relationships grow. I'm excited about the idea of being reminded that God is always there in the darkness, shining His light through.

Moving forward

In my last post, I mentioned that we had been through some things that had tested us in a variety of ways. I mentioned that we, or at least I, had hit the breaking point. Well, it seems that God decided that it wasn't our breaking point quite yet and that He had a couple of other things in mind to test our strength.

I guess its true when they said 'things can't get worse', they do. I guess its true that when you think you can't take it anymore and you don't think you have the strength to carry on, you find that you must and therefore you can.

However, I continue to be blessed and amazed by all the love and support of our family and friends. I think sometimes it's easy to take that for granted, when its always there. But in the times when you really need it, and it comes through more than you ever expected, you are just so grateful. I am thankful for each and every person that has kept Austin and I in their thoughts and prayers throughout the past couple of weeks. And I can honestly say that I believe those prayers are being answered.

I admit that I was hesitant about God's timing for a long time. I didn't understand why things were or were not happening when I thought they should. But after all the recent events, things are making sense. God's timing is making sense. This shouldn't surprise me, because God's timing is always perfect, but it still does. God knows what He's doing. He has reasons behind everything. Reasons why things took place this week and last week. Reasons why it had to be now to leave my job. Reasons why I don't have another one lined up yet. Reasons for it all. 

There was something that I read lately. There is an application on Facebook called "God wants you to know". I had seen the messages pop up on my news feed from other friends but had never really looked more into it. But a couple of days ago when I was searching for some reassurance, I decided to see what God wanted me to know. And it is miraculous how God can even work through Facebook applications. This is what I was told: 

On this day, God wants you to know... that if you relax, it comes. Don't see, don't search, don't ask, don't knock, don't demand - relax. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, God shows you the way.

How amazing, right? I think this is just what I needed to hear from God. I was having a hard time relaxing this week. I was searching, I was asking, I was demanding answers from God. But I didn't need to. He knew what He was doing the entire time - He always does. I only needed to be patient and let God show me the way. And He has. 

God has allowed AJ and I to move on to the next chapter in our lives. We are taking steps every day. And I know that God is walking with us every step of the way. There was another quote that I read this week (again, on Facebook) that seemed to ring true with our live right now. It is a quote by C.S. Lewis.

We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.

Things don't always work out the way we want them to. Sometimes we have to put up a fight. Sometimes we have to go through trials and suffering. Sometimes there will be pain. But through all of this, God is there and God is helping us - making us stronger. These past couple of weeks have proven to AJ and I that life and marriage are full of ups and downs. But we can survive it all. We can move past it all. We will be better from it all. 


And for a piece of very good news: today is the last Sunday that I will have to leave AJ here in Council Bluffs by himself. This week is my last week at work, which will be sad and hard to say goodbye, but necessary. I'm excited to being this next chapter in life with my husband again, living together again! After Thanksgiving we will be home together again. I'll be interested to see how long it will take for AJ to wish I was back in Dike! :) 


Again, AJ and I appreciate all of your prayers, thoughts and support. We are blessed beyond anything we could ever imagine and have the greatest family and friends. Just knowing that you all have been thinking of us throughout this time warms our hearts. We are so thankful. God bless you all.

Trusting God and Taking Leaps

Just a quick note: Writing is a way that I express myself and it helps me to sort out my thoughts. So I apologize if some of this doesn't make sense, but it's just everything that is going through my mind.


Wednesday

Well, the week has been an eventful week, to say the very least. In fact, I'm not even sure how to begin. No details of our week need to be described here, but the events that took place were ones that tested both AJ and myself. They tested our marriage. They tested our strength. They tested the support of our family and friends. They tested our patience. They tested our (or at least my) trust in God.

I don't think that I've ever prayed harder than I did earlier this week. I don't think I've ever asked God to make things okay more than I have this week. There were points that I was literally on my knees, begging God to give me answers and wanting them to be the answers I needed to hear. I don't think my relationship with God has ever been this... raw. There was just so much going through my heart, my mind, my soul that I'm not even sure I still understand it all. I think I'm still trying to process everything. I know that I've never needed God more in my life than I have this week. I've never needed the reassurance I'm seeking from Him now.

AJ and I are at a point in our life where some changes need to be made, from both our ends. We've done a lot of talking this week trying to figure those changes out - what they are and how we go about making them happen. And while some plans have been made and some steps have been taken, we've still got a long way to go. There are plans up in the air and many more steps to be taken. And I'm struggling with this. I'm struggling with the fact that things are up in the air. I'm struggling not knowing exactly what our next steps are. I'm struggling not having answers. And I'm struggling - so much - not to worry about it all.

I'm a "worrier" by nature. It runs in my family. Ask anyone. And I think it's also a symptom of being the oldest child. But whatever the case, I worry. A lot. I'm trying to look at everything and wanting to find solutions. I want to fix what's wrong. I want to know the answers I'm desperately waiting to hear. I worry about it all. And I'm also a hypocrite in this sense. AJ is also a worrier, especially if he thinks he's the one causing "problems" or whatever the case is. And so I'm constantly telling AJ not to worry. I'm telling him to just let it go. To move forward. The problem is, I don't take my own advice.

I think in my current situation, I just want to have control. I want to be able to help. I want to be able to have the answers. But I don't. I am having a hard time letting go. I know that worrying about things is not going to do me any good. I know worrying is not going to fix our problems. I know that I need to push all of that aside and trust God. I need to let go and let God. But I'm still hesitant. Maybe it's because I've put my trust in God the entire time AJ and I have been apart. And so far, it hasn't gotten us anywhere. I've trusted God that He knows what He's doing and that this is all part of His plan. But this week was a breaking point for me. And I guess I'm tired of waiting. I'm trying my hardest to keep my trust in God. And I'm putting a lot of pressure on him to wrap things up and make everything okay by the end of week. I've given him a time line in my mind. And I know that's not fair and that's not how God works. But that's where I'm at. I am trying to put it all out of my mind and move forward. I am trying not to worry. I'm trying no to think about what will happen if I don't get the answers I'm so desperately hoping for. I am trying to put my trust in God. But right now, it's taking everything I have to do that. 

Friday

Well, the end of the week has come. I'm not sure the end of the week has necessarily gotten any better, or worse for that matter. It just is. I discussed everything I wrote above with AJ some more and we talked about our options, our wants, our needs. We determined the next step in our plan. But that wasn't easy for us to do. And it wasn't an easy step. But we were hopeful and trusting God it was the right decision and that He will see us through it.

On Thursday when I returned to work, I think I felt like a zombie. I wasn't really there. I wasn't feeling. I was just trying to put myself completely in work so that I wasn't thinking about everything else. So I wasn't worrying about everything else. So I wasn't driving myself crazy. While I was out of the office, my mom sent me a devotion she had come across. She mentioned it was a good reminder "that God walks with you and has both you and AJ in the palm of His hand" during a time of uncertainty and turmoil. And it was just what I needed to hear (or read). I know that these times of uncertainty can be times of pain, but also times of growth. I have to remember that God is in the process of His plan and He knows what he's doing. The devotion was based on Psalm 98 and the text from the devotion is below: 

The most joyful woman I have ever known is someone who has suffered some true tragedies in her life: loss of loved ones, health and home. Yet, I spend just a few minutes in her presence and I come away feeling refreshed and more positive than I had been in weeks.
More than a mere positive attitude, she has a joy that runs deep, founded in her trust in and gratitude to God. I think of her when I hear the words, "O sing to the Lord a new song!" Her life is a new song of praise composed every time she shares her joy in the Lord. It is heard not with lyre or trumpet, but with the instruments of faith, assurance and hope.
For what are you grateful to God? Is there a "new song" others will hear in you? What "instruments" will you use?
We praise you, God, for your saving presence. Help us today to sing your praise in everything we do. Amen.

What a great reminder, right? Especially for two people that love to sing as much as AJ and I do. We need to remember to rejoice in the Lord! God will see us through this time.

Last night once I left work though, I started to get anxious again. I was hoping for an answer that hadn't come yet. And I was disappointed in that. And I started to think about this next step (actually, it was more of a HUGE leap!) that I needed to take and it made me start to worry about other issues. I tried to be strong and keep it inside because I didn't want to burden anyone else, especially AJ. But he broke me down and got inside of my thoughts. But it helped, he helped. He reminded me, yet again, what I already knew but needed to hear once again. It seems these days, I'm needed to be reminded of certain things a lot. But the good thing is, I have a lot of people that are there for me and that will remind me as often as I need them to. 

And then today, Friday, came. The end of the week. The day I was hoping for some answers. The day decisions were going to be put into action. The deadline I had given God. And although I still didn't have everything worked out like I had wanted, there were other things I needed to do. After a lot of talking, thinking and praying this week, AJ and I decided that the best thing for us and for our relationship was for me to be out in Council Bluffs. So, I gave Kruger my two weeks notice today. 


This was a very tough decision for us, especially since I don't have another job lined up at this time. But AJ and I both believe (as does many of our family) that this is the best thing for us at this time. We believe that this is the right decision. We believe that God is going to help us through this. I think that this is the biggest leap, biggest risk that I've ever taken. And it's hard to leave a job you really enjoy, and that you have friends at. And it's hard to leave a job that's within your field, in this economy. This isn't the way I pictured myself leaving. But I'm putting my faith in God. I'm putting my trust in Him, my hope in Him. And I'm doing the same with our marriage. We made vows to each other and we're standing by them. I'm making our marriage my number one priority right now - making my husband my number one priority. 

I'm sure that this decision will in turn bring about some new struggles for AJ and I. But I also believe that it is going to bring us a lot of comfort, a lot of support for each other. And that is what we need right now. We know that we have the support from Riverside and we appreciate that so much. And once I'm out in Council Bluffs, we're going to start getting to church every Sunday so that we can gain that family and get their support as well. We're going to start building our lives - together - out in Council Bluffs finally. And I know that God is going to be there with us, every step of the way.

Psalm 55:22

May 24th, 2010

"Cast your cares on the LORD and He will sustain you. He will never let the righteous fall."

Psalm 55:22

This was the life promise verse on the Life 101.9 radio station this morning and it could not have come at a more perfect time. It was exactly what I needed to hear from God. It was exactly what I had prayed for last night. Now, if only I can keep reminding myself that!

With the upcoming interview, the potential starting date (if the interview goes well!), an already planned trip to Colorado, having to figure out when to give my 2 weeks and finding a place to live - I get a little freaked out. Can it all be done? Will it all work out? Is it all too much of a time crunch? There's nothing final yet but I find myself saying, "Breathe, Liz, breathe." So, last night as I lay awake thinking about all this, I started to pray to God. I asked Him to cal my fears. To grant me patience. To allow me to put my complete trust in Him. That our plans follow His paths.

And then on my way to work, thinking about it all again, I heard the Life Promise verse. "Cast your cares on the LORD and He will sustain you. He will never let the righteous fall." (Psalm 55:22) God heard my prayers last night and He was making sure I remembered that as well. I'm considering writing that verse on a large sheet of paper - or multiple pieces of paper and putting them up where I can always see one - in the car, on the bathroom mirror, the fridge, at my office, on my laptop.... Then maybe I'll remember it! :)

I've also been thinking about lately my first blog post I wrote here. (http://tinyurl.com/2fpggl9)

I discussed my calling in the post - wondering what I'm suppose to be doing in life. I love my current job and I've really learned a lot and I feel like I've grown from it as well. But I also know it's not really what I'm supposed to be doing forever. I know that I need to continue to grow and challenge myself.

One of the deciding factors in encouraging AJ to accept the position at Riverside was I knew that this could be the perfect opportunity to expand my horizons and see if something else 'calls' to me. As I looked and applied online for jobs, I questioned again what I was put on this earth to do. What was it God wants me to be doing everyday? What is it that I should be doing to service Him? Am I going to find that opportunity through a new job? Especially now with the upcoming interview, could this be one of those opportunities? I guess time will tell what God has planned. :)

Blessings of a Christian Family

June 8th, 2010

Austin and I have been extremely spoiled for the past two years. And I don't think either of us realized the full extend of it until this past Sunday. Our church family at Zion Lutheran in Waterloo has blessed us so incredibly! They welcomed us into their church, their community, their lives and their hearts with such open arms. They became a vital part of our lives here in the Cedar Valley.

And this past Sunday, they showed us even more how much we're loved by them. Austin and I sang a duet in church this past Sunday. We sang "The Twenty-third Psalm". I picked this song for us because the Sunday after we made the decision to move to Western Iowa, the Psalm of the Day was this exact Psalm. I felt in my heart that it was God reassuring us that we had made the right decision and that He was going to be there next to us the entire way.

After we got done singing, Pastor Gary stopped us from walking back to our seats and reminded the congregation that Austin had accepted a teaching position in Oakland and that we would be leaving Zion. He thanked us for our time, our talents and our presence in Zion music and the community itself. Then he presented Austin with a new baton, in its own beautiful case with the engraving "Austin Zaruba, with love, Zion Lutheran". Austin was shocked - I would maybe even say speechless but he recovered quickly from that enough and asked to say a few words. To which Pastor Gary responded, "sure" and started timing on his watch. :) And AJ even kept it fairly short. He thanked the congregation for all they've done for us and how openly they welcomed us into their lives. We have been forever touched by the people at Zion.

After the service, they had a reception for us! One of the ladies in the bell choir baked all this AMAZING cake! They even had punch, mixed nuts and mints! It was a full-blown reception! :) They had balloons which they made sure were Riverside's school colors as well! And throughout the entire time, everyone kept coming up to the both of us thanking us for being apart of the church and wishing us the best of luck and God's blessing in our next adventure in life. Some people even gave us cards and gifts. It was unbelievable and so sweet.

Even though we were only there a relatively short time and didn't even get to know everyone that well, each one of those people made an impact on our lives and made a difference to us - especially by their prayers. We will be forever grateful for all they've done. And it will be extremely sad to leave. But I hope that they all know how much they mean to us. Because they do. And we wish them all the best and God's greatest blessings.



Below are some pictures of us with the Zion choirs for our last Sunday performance.

Shepherd me O God

April 27, 2010

I think the service at church on Sunday was prepared just for us. It was just what we needed (I needed) to hear after making a certain life-changing decision. :) The choir sang the Psalm for the service. It was actually a hymn (Hymn #780 from the new red hymnal for you Lutherans out there). The chorus went like this:

Shepherd me O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears, from death into life.

The stanzas in between the chorus were parts from Psalm 23 - which was the Psalm printed up in the bulletin insert.

But the chorus from the hymn was exactly what we asked God to do for us this past week as we made our decision. Shepherding us beyond our wants and beyond our fears. It could have been very easy for me to say I wanted to stay at my job and not leave the Cedar Valley - the place where we've lived for the past six years (if you include college). It was what I knew. What I was comfortable with. Those were my wants. My fears. But I needed God to help me see beyond that. And that's what He did.

And that's what we need Him to continue to do - as I search for a new job. As we look for a place to live. As we take this step in our lives. Together. With God. We need to move beyond our comfort. This is the place where God leads us. Or in our case, leading us to Council Bluffs, IA. :)

Trust and guidance. This is what we ask God to give us. To put our trust in Him and let Him guide us.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

The LORD makes me lie down in green pastures and leads me beside still waters.

You restore my soul, O LORD, and guide me along right pathways for your name's sake.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death; I shall fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil and my cup is running over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Psalm 23:1-6