Surrender

Do you ever make plans? You get this great idea of something you want or something you want to do. Sometimes these plans are just an idea that you have and some plans are set into motion by other events.
So you have these plans and you start thinking about your future. How it's all going to work out. What you're going to do once it happens. How you're going to react. How you're going to tell your family and friends. You start to get excited. You get your hopes up. You start dreaming and imaging how wonderful things are going to be. How amazing everything will work out because of your plans.

But then something changes. Your plans go awry. Your dreams and your hopes are gone.

Has this ever happened do you? Have you ever felt this disappointment? This frustration? This sadness? It's happened to me, too. More than once.
But then I realize something. I realize why my plans don't work.

My plans get changed because they weren't God's plans for me.

I've always strongly believed that everything happens for a reason and that God does indeed have a plan for me. I don't know what His plan is, I don't know what it entails or how it will work out. But I do believe it's there. I believe that I have to trust Him. To have faith in Him.

It's easy to say "trust in Him" or "have faith in God's plans for you". It's very easy to say those things - to yourself, to others. But it's a totally different thing to actually follow through on them. And this is where I've been struggling lately.

I know that God has a plan for me. But lately I've had my own plans in mind. I've had my own wants and dreams. I feel like what I have are good plans, good wants, good dreams. I feel like they're things God would approve of. That God would want for me in my life. So what I can't understand is why God isn't just giving me my plans, my wants, my dreams.

But that's not how God works.

And so I'm struggling. I'm struggling to let go and let God. I'm struggling to let go of my plans and surrender them to God. I'm holding them too close and I'm not sure how to let go of them. I don't know how to start that process. Sure I can say that I've let go of them, but deep down I know that's not true.

Some days while I'm thinking about our future plan - whether it be my plan or God's plan - I try to listen for an answer from God. I try to listen and hear if he'll tell me what the right plan is. You see, two years ago when Austin and I were trying to figure out if a move to Western Iowa was the right plan for us, I heard God. I heard God speak to my heart telling me that it was the right decision. And that whole week I was reassured by verses I heard on the radio or hymns that were sung in church. I heard God speak to me that week.

And so that's what I'm listening for again today. I'm waiting for God to speak to my heart. I'm waiting for that reassuring verse on the radio. I'm waiting to hear God. But I'm not hearing anything. So I wonder: am I listening too hard? Or am I not listening in all the right places? Maybe I'm expecting this time to be exactly like it was two years ago - a clear voice. And I wonder, will God speak to me the same way again? Or am I not opening up my heart enough to fully listen to what's around me?

And so here I sit. Waiting. Listening. Trying to let go.

God, give me the strength to let go. To let go of my own plans and wants. Help me to surrender them up to You. Give me the patience to wait for Your timing. Help me stay strong in my faith of You. Help me to open up my heart so that I will hear You when You speak to me. Amen.