A Break

It's hard to believe that we've been in this "new" state of normal for almost two months now. And while we've created new routines and some things have become easier, there is still much that we struggle with, much that we don't understand. And we try to prepare for some sort of new future that we don't know what it will look like or when we might see it. 

It's exhausting. And heartbreaking. 

And it doesn't help that those feelings only exacerbate all the other fear and pain and sadness you were already experiencing. It's a lot for anyone to deal with. And what's worst is that we often feel as if we're dealing with it all alone. 

But nothing could be further from the truth. I listened to a really good sermon yesterday that reminded me that no matter what, God is already here. He is already present. He is always by my side. Instead of seeing him clearly, I let my fear and pain and sadness cloud my vision. 

I've been struggling with some things lately and today I decided I needed a break. A mental health day. And I'm grateful for family and a boss and a job that will allow that to happen. I spent the day off my phone, off social media and instead spent it feeling safe from the world in my room. I spent it talking with God. I spent it getting lost in a TV show. Any by dinnertime, I was feeling better. 

I still had no more answers that when the day started, I still had all my struggles and fears. But I also felt the comfort of His presence. 

After dinner, I opened a book that I've been reading on and off for some months now. And it has been months since I've picked it up. And on that very first page, the author talked about living in a season of slow, often due to pain or suffering. But that when we live in a season of slow, "you quiet down all the outside noise so God's voice can become the loudest voice in your life." (Lysa Terkeurst, "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way") She goes on to talk about how she took a break from social media, from reading the newspaper, from certain activities. 

It was exactly how I had spent my day. And I realized that maybe this has to be more than a one day thing. Maybe I need more of a break so that I can slow down, so that I can be quiet, so that I can connect with God and listen to what He has to tell me. 

And so I'm going to try. I'm going to take as much as a break as I can from this world and live in the quiet. Now, I realize that as a Marketing Director, I'm not able to stay off social media entirely or avoid what's happening in this world. But I can limit it. 

I'll still do what I need to do in order to do my job. I will still use social media to connect with my family and friends. But I'm not going to spend endless hours scrolling and getting caught up in what others have to say. I'm going to be more mindful of these slow times we're living in right now to spend that extra time with God. 

Please know that I still want to connect with all of you. Especially during times like this, we need those connects. So please, keep sending me your Snapchats, posting pictures on Instagram. Keep Facebook messaging me and let's keep doing those video chats. Or even send me a text or give me a call. I might be a bit slow to respond, but I will. 

 

March 22, 2020

When you're on Plan C... G? I? You let the Holy Spirit guide you. Thankful to be a part of this.

Surrender

Do you ever make plans? You get this great idea of something you want or something you want to do. Sometimes these plans are just an idea that you have and some plans are set into motion by other events.
So you have these plans and you start thinking about your future. How it's all going to work out. What you're going to do once it happens. How you're going to react. How you're going to tell your family and friends. You start to get excited. You get your hopes up. You start dreaming and imaging how wonderful things are going to be. How amazing everything will work out because of your plans.

But then something changes. Your plans go awry. Your dreams and your hopes are gone.

Has this ever happened do you? Have you ever felt this disappointment? This frustration? This sadness? It's happened to me, too. More than once.
But then I realize something. I realize why my plans don't work.

My plans get changed because they weren't God's plans for me.

I've always strongly believed that everything happens for a reason and that God does indeed have a plan for me. I don't know what His plan is, I don't know what it entails or how it will work out. But I do believe it's there. I believe that I have to trust Him. To have faith in Him.

It's easy to say "trust in Him" or "have faith in God's plans for you". It's very easy to say those things - to yourself, to others. But it's a totally different thing to actually follow through on them. And this is where I've been struggling lately.

I know that God has a plan for me. But lately I've had my own plans in mind. I've had my own wants and dreams. I feel like what I have are good plans, good wants, good dreams. I feel like they're things God would approve of. That God would want for me in my life. So what I can't understand is why God isn't just giving me my plans, my wants, my dreams.

But that's not how God works.

And so I'm struggling. I'm struggling to let go and let God. I'm struggling to let go of my plans and surrender them to God. I'm holding them too close and I'm not sure how to let go of them. I don't know how to start that process. Sure I can say that I've let go of them, but deep down I know that's not true.

Some days while I'm thinking about our future plan - whether it be my plan or God's plan - I try to listen for an answer from God. I try to listen and hear if he'll tell me what the right plan is. You see, two years ago when Austin and I were trying to figure out if a move to Western Iowa was the right plan for us, I heard God. I heard God speak to my heart telling me that it was the right decision. And that whole week I was reassured by verses I heard on the radio or hymns that were sung in church. I heard God speak to me that week.

And so that's what I'm listening for again today. I'm waiting for God to speak to my heart. I'm waiting for that reassuring verse on the radio. I'm waiting to hear God. But I'm not hearing anything. So I wonder: am I listening too hard? Or am I not listening in all the right places? Maybe I'm expecting this time to be exactly like it was two years ago - a clear voice. And I wonder, will God speak to me the same way again? Or am I not opening up my heart enough to fully listen to what's around me?

And so here I sit. Waiting. Listening. Trying to let go.

God, give me the strength to let go. To let go of my own plans and wants. Help me to surrender them up to You. Give me the patience to wait for Your timing. Help me stay strong in my faith of You. Help me to open up my heart so that I will hear You when You speak to me. Amen.