Who Am I?

I am 31, almost 32 years old. It's a weird age to be at. I wouldn't call myself old because that's probably insulting to everyone older than me and honestly, I don't feel (too) old. But I don't feel comfortable calling myself young. Young is having much less responsibilities in life. Young is your 20's. And yes, I realize I'm still very close to my 20's but a shift happens at 30. I wouldn't even call myself middle-aged because that makes me feel like my life is already half over and gosh I hope that's not true! 

I am (still fairly recently) divorced. This is also weird. Especially if you're the first or one of the first of your friends to get divorced. There's sometimes an awkwardness in conversations when everyone is talking about their SO. There's a huge learning curve on how to co-exist and co-parent with your ex. There's just sometimes a feeling of being a little outside the circle. This is something you of course never planned, never imagined happening to you and yet here you are. You're left mourning the life that you had planned. Mourning what no longer is. Sometimes terrified about what happens next. 

I am a mother. A single mother to a terrific little boy. I am blessed to be his mom. And while most of your friends have more than one kid and some are still having kids, there can be a feeling of... "missing out" when you look at your own small family of two. You wouldn't trade your little ball of energy for anything but you mourn the idea of him not having siblings right now. Even if, to be completely honest with yourself, you have no idea how you would handle more than one on your own anyway. 

I am also considered a "mother of a little one". Do you know the type? Is there a catchier term we could use? It's the type of mom that doesn't get to connect with her friends nearly enough. Your friendships get placed on the back-burner as all your attention goes into your kid(s). Phone calls get cut short because someone fell off the couch you told them not to be jumping on. Text messages go unanswered because someone was busy watching those silly YouTube videos - of other kids playing with toys - on your phone. You long for those mom dates and a chance to have a conversation with another adult but they happen not nearly enough. 

I am living in my parents' basement. That one's a little harder to say. Who wants to admit that at 31 years old? But I am. And it is financially impossible for me not to live with them. Looking around at everyone else your age (or younger), they have homes to call their own. But for you, it's only ever been a seemingly unreachable dream. You have to wonder what you're doing wrong. Why are you not financially more stable? Is it the divorce and supporting your family on one income? It is past spending mistakes you made when you were younger? Is it because you haven't pushed yourself more professionally even though you're working at a job you love and making a difference, but just doesn't pay great? Or is the economy? The student loan bills? The high costs of rent? Maybe all of the above. 

I am - thankfully - employed. I am working a job that I love. I am working with an amazing team. And we are working to make a difference in our community. But then you find yourself questioning it. How and where can I grow professionally from here? Wouldn't it be nice to have a job with more financial stability and benefits? Is this really what I'm meant to be doing with my life? What is it that I want to do with my life? What's next or is this it? Those are the questions that keep me up at night. 

I am dating. Kind of. Very casually. This is something I honestly never thought I'd be doing again but has also been surprisingly refreshing. Refreshing in the sense that for a couple of hours during some weeks, I can hang out with someone who doesn't know my entire backstory. Who doesn't know all the drama. Who I can just sit with and enjoy the company, talking about stupid things or unimportant things or just getting to know each other on a fairly basic level. It's definitely not easy dating as a single mom and obviously not my biggest priority right now. But for the time, I think I'll keep trying. 

I am obviously a lot more that just what is written above. And I could probably write a book about all the other things I am... sister, daughter, Christian, overwhelmed, liberal, exhausted, reader, friend, blessed... the list goes on.

But it is those seven statements from above that I've been thinking about the most lately. These are the statements, when putting them all together, I struggle with my identity. With asking myself who am I? Where is my place in this world? Where do I fit in? I feel alone in my unique position. Maybe I'm looking for others in my position. Maybe I just need to let it go. 

What are your biggest "I am..." statements right now? Where is your place in the world? If you're a not-old-or-young-or-middle-aged recent divorcee, single mom of a little one, dating, employed but maybe searching for more, and living in your parents' basement, let me know. I'd love to share some stories. 

Jacob's Anecdotes

Jacob is at one of the most precious stages right now. His imagination and creative play is growing so quickly and it is one of the most amazing things to watch and be a part of. This kid is funny, quick, witty, and just downright awesome. 

I've decided to record some of his more better anecdotes here on the blog. Not necessarily because they'll be that funny to anyone reading it (you always have to be there!), but so that we have these posts to help us jog those memories down the road. So here are just a few of Jacob's recent anecdotes.... 

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After eating a really good dinner, Jacob announces to the table. "I'm full. My tummy said I'm full. I'm done. My tummy said I'm done." He starts to push his chair away from the table to get down. He spots the container of chocolates on the island counter. He pauses. You can see the light bulb turn on... "My tummy said it wants dessert. I want dessert please." 

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We went to a local event where kids go get in and explore different types of vehicles - firetruck, school bus, dump truck, etc. Jacob's favorite was the school bus but he also enjoyed going into the dump truck, mostly because it was the one vehicle that you could press the horn. Right towards the end of the event, Jacob honked the horn and must of startled or at least gotten the attention of the two police officers that there next to their squad car right in front of the dump truck. Upon seeing this, Jacob yells out "I'm sorry!! It was an accident! A silly accident! I'm sorry to scare you!" The police officers couldn't even hear him, but it was adorable. 

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Jacob is still in a cuddling phase and to be honest, I'm trying to enjoy it the most I can. But some nights, when it's past his bedtime and he won't settle down, I try hard to keep him in his own bed instead of cuddling "on the big bed" as Jacob calls my bed. One night not too long ago, I managed to get Jacob down in his own bed without too much of a fight. I went to my own room and started to catch up on a TV show. All of a sudden, Jacob runs into the room and yells "SURPRISE!" catching me completely off guard and scaring the crap out of me! (I might scare a little easily...) After my heart rate slowed down I asked Jacob what he was doing? Jacob said, "I was thinking about cuddling you." Aw. Heart melted. Jacob got to cuddle that night. 

The best part about this story is it isn't the first time something like this has happened. Jacob knows I scare easily. He will stay as quiet as he can, opening his bedroom door and even tiptoeing until he gets to my room. One night he tiptoed his way in all the way to the end of the bed when I suddenly saw movement! Another night he quietly came up to the bed and said "peek-a-boo!" This kid... 

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While waiting for our food to come at a restaurant one night, Jacob kept asking me "What should we do?" Finally I suggested that he tell me a story. He proceeded to tell me three or four very good (and tiny) stories! They all had a similar theme... Mommy walking down the street and is suddenly being chased by a _______ (big squid, big t-rex, big sharp tooth dinosaur....). And each story ended with a 'the end'. It was quite adorable and I was impressed by his story telling skills. When his daddy came back from the bathroom, I told Jacob, "tell your daddy a story like you told me." He continued to tell his daddy a story about a daddy walking down the street when suddenly big Bowser appeared! After that story finished, his daddy asked for another story. Jacob sat for a moment and then said... "You give me money first!" Where on earth he came up with this? I have no idea. But he got paid! Six coins for six more stories! And oh what stories they were! Jacob was very excited to get home and put his well earned money in his piggy bank! 

A new look

"The only thing constant in life is change"

We've all heard this quote. It's the one thing we all know is true. And so with recent life changes and trying to determine my place in this world, I thought the blog could use an update. 

I still plan on using this to update family and friends about the things that are going on in our lives. I love going back and reading old blog posts that help me remember our experiences or fun things we've done. 

But I also plan to use this blog as an outlet for some of my thoughts about life - my personal struggles and experiences. What I see and think and feel. 

I decided to go back to the theme of Sand Dunes. I've written about sand dunes before. It's something that really resonates with me. When I think back to my experience of climbing an actual sand dune, it really summarizes what life feels like so much of the time. At least for me. Below is an excerpt from a previous blog post, with some edits. 

During May Term my sophomore year, I traveled to Africa and spent three weeks on a safari in Namibia and South Africa. One morning, when we were still in Namibia, we woke up extra early - when it was still dark out. Then we drove a little ways to this huge sand dune. The dune was about a mile high. Most of the sand dunes are off limits but this one is open to the public and you can climb to the top. So we started the mile high hike on the sand dune. I don't know if any of you have every tried to climb a giant pile of sand, but let me tell you. It is not the easiest thing to do. For every step you take, you go back a little because there is nothing firm to find your footing on. I got about half way up and I was exhausted. I decided that I wasn't going to make it any higher up and was going to wait where I had stopped. After about 5 minutes, with more and more people passing me on their way up to the top, I changed my mind. I worked my way up the rest of the sand dune and finally made it to the very top. I remember being so proud of myself for deciding to push myself and make the rest of the climb. And once I was up there, the reward was amazing. We all sat down and waited. We waited and watched. We watched the most spectacular sunrise come up over the desert and other sand dunes. To this day, it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. We literally watched as the sun made it's light fall across the desert. I wish I could describe what it was like, but it was simply too amazing. One of God's greatest creation. It was completely worth every hard and exhausting step of the climb up. Would the sunrise would have been just as beautiful from halfway up the sand dune? Probably. But would I have enjoyed the sight more? I'm not sure. Knowing how hard I had to work to make it to the top made the pay off that much more amazing. 

I hope that you'll continue to join me on this journey of life. Let's keep climbing.