I wrote the post below on March 27th, AJ's birthday. Actually I wrote in my journal. But it was one of those entries that I thought about sharing on here. And then I just didn't. But I went back and reread it again recently. And once again, I considered if this was one of those entries I should share. And now it's after 11pm on a Tuesday night and I just got off a phone call with some amazing friends.
And during our conversation, we talked about grief. We talked about the importance of grief. The importance of recognizing and owning your own grief. We talked about how grief has no timeline and no rules but your own. And we talked about how our society's view of grief is just generally f-ed up. And once again, my thoughts were back to this journal entry.
And so I'm going to share it with you now. Because maybe it's something that you need to hear too. Maybe it's something you need to work through some of your own feelings. And if not, writing it down was something that I needed.
March 27, 2022
Generally when/if I don't journal for a while, it means life is good - no big events, no big struggles, no big emotions. And that's been the case. Things have been good. Really good.
Brandon and I enjoyed a trip to Las Vegas over the New Year and then another trip to Florida in February with Jacob.
I was happy. I was good. So much so in fact that I had a therapy appointment in January and after discussing my general happiness with my current life, my therapist asked me "Have you thought about how you're going to prepare for February this year?"
I kid you not, I had to pause and think - what happens in February?
February. This month that I had come to hate, to loath, to dread with every fiber of my being over the past four years. And yet this year, it had basically skipped my mind. What?! I hadn't even been thinking about February, that's how good of a place I was in.
And you know what, I was feeling really good about that. I was feeling proud of myself. Over the past year I have put in a lot of hard work on myself. I spent some time examining my relationship with AJ, the end of that relationship and his death. I had some hard but necessary conversations with AJ's family. I had put in this extremely hard work and here was my reward. I didn't have to fear the dread of February. It was amazing!
Until it wasn't.
Until I started feeling... guilty? Maybe? People would tell me they were thinking of me, knowing that February was a tough month for me. But I'd shrug and say, "I'm doing good actually!" It made me start wondering what kind of person did this make me? Is it okay for the grief to feel so absent in just four years? Was I a bad person for "moving on" that quickly?
I started thinking back to a conversation I had with my mom. It was this conversation that really had me examining myself. She asked me, "Do you think you deserve to be happy?"
When she asked me this question, I immediately thought NO. Why should I get to be happy when the life that I thought I was going to have was taken from me? Why should I get to be happy when AJ is gone? That didn't seem fair. But really, I wasn't being fair to myself.
I finally started to accept that. It was that realization that finally made me move to make things official with Brandon. I deserved to be happy. I wanted to be happen. And then I was!
But now, I find myself questioning it all again. Not necessarily whether or not I deserve to be happy. But maybe if I deserve to be happy right now.
I started to think that the absence of grief meant that I was losing that last connection to AJ. Like he was starting to disappear. And I'll admit, that scared me. How is it possible to keep someone you've lost close if you aren't grieving for them?
Today's is AJ's birthday. What should have been his 35th birthday. And honestly, I wasn't expecting to feel much emotion, I wasn't expecting to have any real sadness or grief because of the day. I thought I was losing that.
Jacob and I spent the weekend in Iowa with AJ's family, eating his favorite foods and just enjoying our time together. We had such a fun time and I never get tired of watching Jacob play with his cousins. And I'm so grateful to still feel a part of this family; to be loved by them.
When I woke up this morning and started getting ready for church, there was something... shadowing me, lurking close by. It felt foreign. Strange. I couldn't put my finger on what it was or why I was feeling it.
And then I was reviewing my Facebook memories from this day. Two years ago on AJ's birthday, I posted a picture from a page in a book my mom had shared with me. I'll be honest, when she first shared this message with me, I didn't connect to it. I recognized it was a good message regarding grief, but it didn't really hit home for me.
But when I read it this morning, it was like the lightbulb turned on in my head.
Yes. This is what I had been doing. Clinging to my grief so I wouldn't lose my love of AJ. This is why I was keeping myself from being happen. In a way, clinging to the grief was easier. It was what I knew, what I expected. Letting it go meant navigating a new path forward. And what if the love I have for AJ doesn't stretch that far?
It was also reading this passage today that made me realize it was grief that I was feeling today. Grief over AJ and the fact he had missed another birthday. Grief that AJ is gone and missing out on so much. Grief over the relationship Jacob and his dad will never have. Grief of missing the person AJ was before the mental health problems and addiction. Grief over this fear that I was forgetting who AJ was.
And yet, at the exact same time, wrapped up in all that grief, was just a bit of relief as well. Relief that I was able to feel this grief so intensely again. Relief that my connection to AJ is still there. Relief that my love of AJ is still there.
I hate that he is gone. I hate what was taken from him, from Jacob, from me. I hate that it's easier to remember the person AJ was towards the end of his life instead of the person I fell in love with and who he really was - this goofy, loving, kind, talented, caring, smiling, amazing man.
And at the same time, I'm back to wondering how to live with this tether to my grief over AJ and being happy in my life, with my life now. Will it always be a struggle? Will it get easier in time?
I don't have the answers right now. But that's okay.
