Happy 10th Birthday, Jacob!

Jacob! You're 10! TEN!! One. Zero. Double Digits! I can't believe it. 

10 years ago you came into this world and we instantly fell in love with you. A whole decade of loving you and watching your grow into this amazing person you are today! Wow. 

I'm sure I write this every year, but I continue to be amazed by you and who you are. You are an incredible boy and I am so lucky to get to be your mom. Every single day, I am reminded why you are my most favorite person.

You had an incredible year at school, completely rocking 3rd grade! As much as you say you don't like school, you continue to excel. Mr. Malay was your teacher and in your card to him at the end of the year, you wrote "You were one of the greatest teachers I've ever had!" I couldn't agree more. In fact, I wrote Mr. Malay a separate note myself to let him know how much I appreciated the fact that he was your teacher. Mr. Malay's personality and teaching style reminds me so much of your dad. And I am so grateful that you were able to experience having a teacher like that. Watching you interact with Mr. Malay, I can imagine what it might have been like if you ever would have had your dad as a teacher. 

You also have a strong group of friends. The nice thing about Jefferson is that it's a very small school, just two classes per grade. And you have the type of personality that can become friends with everyone. And you do. In fact, you invited 9 kids to your birthday party this year! And six of them were able to make it! That was a crazy time (mostly for me)! It's so fun to watch you with your friends and when you meet new kids as well. And it makes me so happy to see how kind you are to everyone.

You are still an amazing reader and I love that you love books, even when you don't admit it. But recently, you discovered the 'Diary of a Wimpy Kid' series and you have devoured the books. I just love to see it. :) You are also still obsessed with wanting to be the one in charge, the boss, the CEO. You love to talk about business organizational structures - boards, shareholders, founders, manager, etc. You have your own company, Jacob, Inc. which is very successful. :) You still love space but you have also become very interested in nations. You know where nations are on the map, you can identify flags. You watch videos on YouTube that show you lists of countries by size, GDP, population, military size, etc. You know the craziest things. You also enjoy watching YouTube videos where you watch other people play video games. I'm not sure I understand it, but you love it. And of course you love to play videos games. And sometimes, pretend you're creating your own YouTube video. Your newest game is Ages of Conflict (I think?), which is a war simulator where the countries fight to conquer each other. You also still love playing TABS, Roblox, Minecraft and different Mario games on the switch. 

You are also a very good thespian and you add a dramatic flair to almost everything you do - which is extremely funny when you're in a good mood but not all that fun if you're in a bad mood! ;-) You are still witty as ever, quick thinking, goofy and funny. You are so much like your dad in that sense. You love being the center of attention as long as it's on your own terms and not so much if you're being forced to like a church performance or school music performance. You have this thing where you are against music - not wanting to like music or learn how to sing. Probably because you've grown up hearing how musical your dad was and I am. And so, probably to spite me, you dig your heels into the ground when it comes to anything musical. :) Whenever we have people over for dinner, you are always the last one to finish eating because you talk so much and want to drive the conversation. 

As much as you pretend to love all things bad and claim you want to be ruler of the world, you are a very kind boy. You are so good, so intuitive to those around you, so empathetic, so loving. Even now, you love to cuddle. And I LOVE that you will still cuddle with me. You don't like to see other people hurt and you either want to help fix it or you try to make people feel better by getting them to laugh. I am so proud of the person you are, Jacob. 

I love the person you are. I love listening to everything you have to say and I love learning new things that you teach me. I love watching you grow and learn and discover who you are and where you fit in in this world. I love watching your personality grow, even when you're butting heads with me and we both get frustrated. I still love to watch you sleep, no matter how creepy you think that might be. In fact, I just love watching you do whatever it is you're doing! You truly are the very best thing I've ever done. And I love you more than words could ever describe. 

As you enter your double digits, I wish I could say that I hope for only good things for you. And while I do very much hope for many good things for you, I know that life is not only full of good things. And unfortunately, you already know that too. But it is the combination of the good things in our lives and the bad, the hard, the struggles, that help make us into the people we are. And so I hope that you are able to take everything that happens in your life and let it make you into an incredible, wonderful human. 

I hope that your 10th year here on Earth is filled with love, family, happiness, friends, memories, laughs and whatever else you hope for. I am so excited to be with you every step of the way and continue to watch you as you learn new things and continue to grow. I love you.

Happy Birthday, Jacob! 

Happy 9th Birthday, Jacob!

Happy Birthday Jacob! 

Today you are 9 years old. Nine years you've been on this earth, bringing me joy and love and laughter every single day. 

I continue to be amazed by you as you grow and learn new things. You are extremely clever, witty, goofy, smart, kind, caring, lovable, silly, curious, bright and so much more! You constantly remind me of your father while at the same time continue to flourish into your own person. 

---

I started that letter above to you right before you turned 9. But I never finished it. I'm not sure why. But I remember feeling like the right words weren't coming. And soon it was long past your birthday. 

But now, you are 9 and a half years old. Actually, 9 years and 7 months tomorrow. And I find myself unable to sleep and instead thinking about just how awesome you are. 

You brought home a reading/writing assessment from school this week. At the end of it, you were told to continue to story using one of the prompts. I'll post a picture of the story below (I told you I was going to save this forever!!). 

I read your story and it took away my breath. I sat in awe at the kitchen table thinking, "wow". And yes, all moms are going to think that their kid is amazing and best. And I do think that about you. I was amazed by your imagination, I was impressed by your talent but I also felt this deep admiration for the story itself that you told. A story with such beauty. From my own little boy. 

I think the story caught me by surprise. When I started to read it, I thought it would end somewhere with world destruction and evil wins all - things you love to talk about. But instead, your story reminded me of who you really are.

Yes, you still talk about how you want evil to win, how you wish you were a god who could control the world, how the bad guys are always better. But truly you are the most sweetest, kindest, caring, and loving boy. You just don't like to show those things to the rest of the world. :) 

But I am convinced that you have a truly good soul inside of you. You have a very big heart inside of you. You are a very special kid.

In the back of my mind I can see you rolling your eyes at me, trying to hide or even getting upset with me because you dislike it when you are praised or to hear anyone say good things about you. But luckily for me, you likely won't read this for many years down the road so hopefully this is something you've outgrown!

Jacob, you are, so very truly, the most spectacular kid. You are smart. You are insightful. You are curious. You are full of wit. You are funny. You are dramatic. You are the biggest cuddler, even at age 9. You are kind and caring. You are goofy and silly. You are my most favorite person in the whole world. 

We talk a lot about how much you're like your dad. And that's true. In so many ways, I see your dad in you. How much you love to talk, how you have to 'regenerate' before you can finish eating, your love of farts, your dramatic tendencies. But as much as you are like your dad, you are also your own amazing self. 

I have loved watching you grow over the past 9 years. I feel so privileged to have a front row seat to watch you grow into the person you are today and will become. I am constantly amazed by what you do or what you say. My heart feels like it's constantly bursting at the seams with my love for you. I am so lucky to be your mom. 

I think the first half of year 9 has been good for you. You've got a great teacher, Mr. Malay, at Jefferson and a great group of friends you play Monkey King with at recess. You're taking swim lessons at the Y and continue to improve every time you get in the pool. You're still an avid reader even though you say you don't like to read. But I often catch you reading books when you haven't been told to do some reading. You're astonishingly good at spelling - unlike me, which Nana and Papa like to remind us all of... You still enjoy science and space and a thirst for knowledge of the most random things. You're constantly wanting to google something on my phone for a question you've come up with. 

You've also wanted to learn all that you can about how companies work, who are the managers, the bosses, the CEOs, the board of directors, the shareholders... You want to know it all. And you have your own (imaginary at the moment) company called Jacob, Inc. And while you're the boss and board chair and whatever title you come up with, you're also a very generous boss who pays his employees very generously. :) 

You still really love playing Roblox, TABS, Minecraft and Mario Builder and Mario Party. You went through a time where all you wanted to play though was Monopoly. You finally got the hang of riding your bike and started doing some longer rides with Nana. The one thing I haven't been able to get you interested in yet is music. Either singing or playing piano. Much to my (and probably your father's) chagrin. ;-)   

In just a few short months, you will be 10. Double digits. The rate at which you grow before my eyes never fails to amaze me. You are the best thing I've ever done. 

I love you buddy. So much. And I'm so incredibly proud of the boy you are. Even if you won't let me tell you. 

The Timeline of Grief

 I wrote the post below on March 27th, AJ's birthday. Actually I wrote in my journal. But it was one of those entries that I thought about sharing on here. And then I just didn't. But I went back and reread it again recently. And once again, I considered if this was one of those entries I should share. And now it's after 11pm on a Tuesday night and I just got off a phone call with some amazing friends.

And during our conversation, we talked about grief. We talked about the importance of grief. The importance of recognizing and owning your own grief. We talked about how grief has no timeline and no rules but your own. And we talked about how our society's view of grief is just generally f-ed up. And once again, my thoughts were back to this journal entry.

And so I'm going to share it with you now. Because maybe it's something that you need to hear too. Maybe it's something you need to work through some of your own feelings. And if not, writing it down was something that I needed. 

March 27, 2022

Generally when/if I don't journal for a while, it means life is good - no big events, no big struggles, no big emotions. And that's been the case. Things have been good. Really good. 

Brandon and I enjoyed a trip to Las Vegas over the New Year and then another trip to Florida in February with Jacob. 

I was happy. I was good. So much so in fact that I had a therapy appointment in January and after discussing my general happiness with my current life, my therapist asked me "Have you thought about how you're going to prepare for February this year?" 

I kid you not, I had to pause and think - what happens in February?

February. This month that I had come to hate, to loath, to dread with every fiber of my being over the past four years. And yet this year, it had basically skipped my mind. What?! I hadn't even been thinking about February, that's how good of a place I was in. 

And you know what, I was feeling really good about that. I was feeling proud of myself. Over the past year I have put in a lot of hard work on myself. I spent some time examining my relationship with AJ, the end of that relationship and his death. I had some hard but necessary conversations with AJ's family. I had put in this extremely hard work and here was my reward. I didn't have to fear the dread of February. It was amazing! 

Until it wasn't. 

Until I started feeling... guilty? Maybe? People would tell me they were thinking of me, knowing that February was a tough month for me. But I'd shrug and say, "I'm doing good actually!" It made me start wondering what kind of person did this make me? Is it okay for the grief to feel so absent in just four years? Was I a bad person for "moving on" that quickly? 

I started thinking back to a conversation I had with my mom. It was this conversation that really had me examining myself. She asked me, "Do you think you deserve to be happy?"

When she asked me this question, I immediately thought NO. Why should I get to be happy when the life that I thought I was going to have was taken from me? Why should I get to be happy when AJ is gone? That didn't seem fair. But really, I wasn't being fair to myself. 

I finally started to accept that. It was that realization that finally made me move to make things official with Brandon. I deserved to be happy. I wanted to be happen. And then I was! 

But now, I find myself questioning it all again. Not necessarily whether or not I deserve to be happy. But maybe if I deserve to be happy right now. 

I started to think that the absence of grief meant that I was losing that last connection to AJ. Like he was starting to disappear. And I'll admit, that scared me. How is it possible to keep someone you've lost close if you aren't grieving for them?

Today's is AJ's birthday. What should have been his 35th birthday. And honestly, I wasn't expecting to feel much emotion, I wasn't expecting to have any real sadness or grief because of the day. I thought I was losing that. 

Jacob and I spent the weekend in Iowa with AJ's family, eating his favorite foods and just enjoying our time together. We had such a fun time and I never get tired of watching Jacob play with his cousins. And I'm so grateful to still feel a part of this family; to be loved by them. 

When I woke up this morning and started getting ready for church, there was something... shadowing me, lurking close by. It felt foreign. Strange. I couldn't put my finger on what it was or why I was feeling it. 

And then I was reviewing my Facebook memories from this day. Two years ago on AJ's birthday, I posted a picture from a page in a book my mom had shared with me. I'll be honest, when she first shared this message with me, I didn't connect to it. I recognized it was a good message regarding grief, but it didn't really hit home for me. 

But when I read it this morning, it was like the lightbulb turned on in my head. 

Yes. This is what I had been doing. Clinging to my grief so I wouldn't lose my love of AJ. This is why I was keeping myself from being happen. In a way, clinging to the grief was easier. It was what I knew, what I expected. Letting it go meant navigating a new path forward. And what if the love I have for AJ doesn't stretch that far? 

It was also reading this passage today that made me realize it was grief that I was feeling today. Grief over AJ and the fact he had missed another birthday. Grief that AJ is gone and missing out on so much. Grief over the relationship Jacob and his dad will never have. Grief of missing the person AJ was before the mental health problems and addiction. Grief over this fear that I was forgetting who AJ was. 

And yet, at the exact same time, wrapped up in all that grief, was just a bit of relief as well. Relief that I was able to feel this grief so intensely again. Relief that my connection to AJ is still there. Relief that my love of AJ is still there. 

I hate that he is gone. I hate what was taken from him, from Jacob, from me. I hate that it's easier to remember the person AJ was towards the end of his life instead of the person I fell in love with and who he really was - this goofy, loving, kind, talented, caring, smiling, amazing man. 

And at the same time, I'm back to wondering how to live with this tether to my grief over AJ and being happy in my life, with my life now. Will it always be a struggle? Will it get easier in time?

I don't have the answers right now. But that's okay. 

The One Where I Turn 35

 I am about to turn 35. 

My sister (jokingly?) asked about a month ago if I was starting to freak out yet. Apparently, according to her, I had a mini freak out before turning 30. I don't recall such a thing happening, but hey, I am getting old.

But she did get me thinking. I am about about to turn 35. Should I be freaking out? And if I should be freaking out, what should I be freaking out about exactly? Nothing really sprang to mind, but I decided to take stock of where I am in life. So here we go.

I am about to turn 35. I live in my parents' basement. I have lived in my parents' basement for five years. I have an amazing and smart seven year old boy who is my whole world and who I let sleep in my bed with me because he is the best at snuggling. I am divorced and widowed, although I sometimes question the widow thing because of the divorce thing. I am incredibly blessed to have my family - both my Minnesota family and my Iowa family. I also have some seriously awesome friends that I don't know what I would do without. 

I love sleep. But then I often stay up way too late finishing a book or writing down my random thoughts (like this blog). I go to therapy, fairly sporadic over the past five years, but hopefully finally making this commitment to myself and going on a regular basis. I could probably lose some weight, I think about it often, but I love sweets too damn much. I'm a creative person who loves writing, doodling, singing, journaling, photography, designing. Also, huge bookworm. 

After over 10 years in the workforce, I am at a job that I truly love and enjoy. A job where I can create, where I am challenged, where I am respected and where I feel like I can make a difference. I have a church community I love; a place where I feel like I belong, a place where I can be involved and a place where I can share my gifts. I've worked incredibly hard over the past five years to arrive to this place where I am within reaching distance of being completely debt-free. 

I am stubborn and bossy. I'm discovering I've become very independent over the past few years and I like this. I'm very opinionated and not afraid to speak my mind. I may comment on political posts on social media more than I should. I care deeply and love hard. I sometimes feel like an introverted extrovert. I've been told over the past few years that I am strong, but sometimes I have a hard time believing that. 

I love fall. And October. I love orange and pink. I love sweets and Dr. Pepper. Thunderstorms are my favorite. I could sit all day in front of a fire or a body of water. I love reading and all kinds of music. I have a thing for pillows. I like playing video games and The Sims. I might be slightly obsessed with Friends and have probably seen every episode dozens of times. I miss traveling. I sometimes feel like a romantic at heart and at the same time realistic of the fact that life is not like the books I read or movies I watch.

Sometimes I’ll stay awake at night to watch Jacob sleep, marveling at this person I created, holding my hand to his head, absorbing this overwhelming feeling of love. Sometimes I’ll wear one of AJ’s old sweatshirts and think about all that I’ve lost. And I sometimes cry pretty easily at books, movies, music or TV shows.

I’m about to turn 35. And I am a very different person now than who I was just five years ago. My 2020 Word of the Year is Bloom. And I’m trying to apply that to myself. I am trying to open myself up to discover who I am today. I want to learn more about this person and figure out how to love myself as the person I am today. I’m reflecting on the events of life that has brought me to this point in life and that have made me this person. 

So. 35. I think I'm doing okay. I think I'll save any freak out until I hit 40... :) 

March 27, 2020

I wasn't going to post anything today. I haven't felt much like sharing. Today was hard. Today I felt distracted, unfocused. I wasn't present or on top of my game by any means. I was probably pretty close to the bottom of my game. I struggled. All day. Many times I felt on the verge of tears. 

Today was Austin's birthday. It's hard to believe this is the third birthday we've had since he's been gone. 

I recently saved an article on Facebook that I saw pop up on my newsfeed. Full disclosure that I have not read it yet. But the title was "That Discomfort You're Feeling is Grief". And it was like something clicked in my mind. Yes, that is what I've been feeling these past few weeks. There is much to grieve about our current situation. Our lives have been uprooted, they've changed so quickly with so little time to prepare. We must adapt quickly to this new life, this new normal. And so of course, we grieve how life was. We grieve the lost of normalcy. We grieve what has been taken from us. 

And so I think that all of that grief only intensified my grief for Austin today. Because in many ways, I think the grief of COVID parallels the grief I've experienced from the loss of Austin. 

He was gone too quickly. It was so abrupt and we were not prepared. All normalcy was suddenly gone and we were left to figure out how to adapt in this life with Austin gone. And two years on, I still struggle. I still grieve what was taken from us, I still grieve that life will never been the same without Austin. I grieve that Jacob has to adapt to this world without his dad. 

It's been a rough week all around. We continue to watch this pandemic grow. We watch as some of our leaders are working hard to do what they can in the situation and we watch as some of our leaders continue to fail us. We watch as we see how this pandemic has thrown into view much of what is not working in our current system and we struggle to agree on ways to address the growing needs. 

In Minnesota, we received a shelter-in-place order for two weeks and extended closure of many businesses, including the Y. So we struggle with what this means, how we will make this work, we struggle with the enormous amount of questions that arise and so few answers. 

At the Y, we struggled this week to quickly prepare ourselves to work remotely from home. This meant upgrading and adding new technology that many are not familiar with and must learn on such a short timeframe. We struggled with how the organization will look after being closed for nearly two months. We struggled as we try to make sure we're staying as connected to our members as we can be. We struggled. Or at least, I struggled. 

And damnit, as I write this, I find myself needing to find some good in all this. Is that what happens when you have two pastors currently living the the house? In the midst of all the struggle, I can see how people are coming together, how people are supporting one another, how people are connecting with one another. We've always had this technology to keep us all connected but it's not until it's our final option that we seem to finally be using it. I've had video happy hours over the past week with friends that I don't connect with nearly enough. I've been able to connect with church members with live Facebook videos and groups to keep us connected. I've felt connected to different communities as we come together to help those in need. 

So yes, the grief is strong. But there is still much to be grateful for. There is still good to be found. But I'm also going to give myself some grace and know that it's okay to feel that grief. It's okay to let that grief consume you, but only for a little bit. 

My mom read this devotional and made me a copy a few weeks ago. And I think that's how I'm going to end this post. Today I am grieving. Today I am sad. Today I am missing someone I love. Today my coin is grief-up. 

A long overdue 2019 update...

This year has not been good for my blogging skills and I'm long overdue an update to 2019. But it was recently pointed out to me that often the second year after a loved one's death is harder than the first. That first year, you're in shock, you're in survival mode. But the second year, that's when you really start to process your feelings of loss, your grief. And that can have an impact on daily activity or function. 

At the start of 2019, I chose FOCUS as my Word of the Year. But I've got to tell you, I have not been focused this year. I have struggled staying focused - in so many ways. I started the year strong, with clear goals in mind of what I wanted to accomplish. But many quickly became goals I just couldn't grasp. There have been many days when nothing in particular has been wrong, but I've just felt off. I think this is an effect of my grief. 

While the year has definitely not gone the way I wanted to, it has still been busy. I'll do my best to recap the past 7 and half months. 

I started the year getting a few things organized for Jacob and I. I created a schedule that hangs in Jacob's room that we can put up of all the day's activities. Jacob likes to know what's going on. Jacob was busy with Rainbow Room at church and swimming lessons at the Rec Center. I had joined Minnesota Valley Chorale again this season and choir practices started up quickly. We also spent one very cold Saturday exploring the St. Paul Winter Carnival and an Ice Castle! I have to admit, the ice castle was really cool!! ;-) We also froze bubbles outside in the -20 degrees weather!

In February I got to participate in Pedal Past Poverty, as part of my mom's church group from Messiah. Jacob was there to cheer us all on - myself, Nana and Papa. 

Pedal Past Poverty

We also took Jacob tubing for the first time at Mt. Kato. He had a blast!! Our first trip up the conveyor belt, Jacob kept losing his balance and falling over, getting carried along and struggling to get up. It was funny to watch. The rest of the day he got pulled in the tube and so he was not nearly as exhausted as Brandon and I were! I also managed to fall the down the stairs while carrying a sick Jacob. Sprained my foot and had Jacob throw up all over me. Winning parenting moments. Overall, we got entirely too much snow and storms and wind this winter. That was not fun. I summed up the month of February in my planner as "survived".

March started a busy church season of Lent but we manged some fun in there too. Jacob and I got a trip down to Iowa in right away and it was so much fun to watch Jacob play with his cousins. Brandon and I went with some friends to the Four Daughters Winery for a dueling piano event where we have a table right in front - so fun. We also went to Rochester to see my very good friend in her local theater's performance of Avenue Q! She, of course, was amazing! And the show so funny! Although, it had been years since I last saw the show and you can tell it was written in a slightly different time. 

Great Wolf Lodge

Marshmallow Pit

Jacob, Brandon and I also spent a weekend in the cities at the Mall of America where explored Candytopia - basically a dream come true for me. It was so fun and neat to see everything made out of candy - really like Willy Wonka! Jacob really enjoyed the marshmallow pit at the end! We spent the weekend at the Great Wolf Lodge enjoying the water park - especially the wave pool! 

Candytopia

Sips for Shelter

April was busy with church and choir practices. Throughout the month of April, I was singing in four different choirs! The Worship Choir and Chamber Choir were both a part of church. Then there was MN Valley Chorale and the Mankato Children's Choir - more on that later. I tried taking Jacob to an egg scramble, but there were too many people and he didn't want to participate. He did enjoy playing at the playground though! The weather was super nice that day. Jacob got to spend an extended weekend in Iowa with his grandparents and cousins, which he LOVED. Chelsea and I managed a girls day while helping a good cause at the Sips for Shelter event, put on by Partners for Affordable House. We spent the day being bused around to different local wineries and breweries and it really was a super fun time. 

Also in April, I made my final payment of student loans!!! YAY!!!! 

MCC Concert

In May things started to slow down, choir-wise. I decided to sing in the Alumni Choir of the Mankato Children's Choir with a good friend. We both grew up singing in MCC and thought it would be fun to do the alumni choir as part of the 25th Anniversary concert - and it was! It was great to see some familiar faces and old directors! While the Minnesota Valley Chorale had our two concerts in April, we were still practicing. We had been invited to sing with the Mankato Symphony Orchestra. They were doing Handel's Messiah. This was my first time ever singing with an orchestra and singing so much of the Messiah. But it was such an amazing experience, I'm glad I did it. 

The last few months of school were somewhat challenging for Jacob. While he's a smart kid, he was having trouble staying focused. Sounds like the beginning of this post! He wasn't listening like he should, would rather walk around by myself than do his school work or listen at story time. He was using some "potty words", trying to get the other kids to laugh and distracting the class as a whole. We tried a couple of different things and we talked through it with Jacob's therapist. (He regularly sees a therapist and has been since the start of 2018.) Finally, we found a system that seems to connect with him. Jacob would have daily sheets sent home that would tell us how he did for each party of the day. He would get a smiley face, an OK face or a sad face. His points would get added up and he had a goal he tried to meet each day. There were rewards both at school and at home when he met certain goals. By the end of the school year, Jacob seemed to be on track and doing what he needed to be doing. I was extremely proud of the progress he made and thankful for the teachers that helped us at school. 

Champagne Bar

Brandon and I also decided to take a vacation during May and spent five days in California where we explored Wine Country and San Francisco. We both decided the vacation was too short but we had a fun time wandering around and relaxing. I even convinced Brandon to do a spa day with me which included a mud bath! I'm not going to lie, it was a little weird but super relaxing. The weather was perfect while we were out there. 

Chicago 

Jacob meanwhile, spent a few days in Chicago with my parents and had a blast. He really enjoyed going to the top of the tallest building and standing out in that glass cube. I admire his bravery! 

And then it was summer! Ah the start of summer. When the weather gets better, the days get long, you have a ton of fun plans and then you only manage to do a fraction of them.. 

I did get to spend a weekend in Rochester catching up with two very amazing friends. We went and saw the super funny movie "Booksmart" and spent the weekend catching up and talking about life. We managed to get to the Air Spectacular event as well and saw some really awesome airplanes doing some amazing tricks. We also went to the Lake Days parade in Lake Crystal and enjoyed the marching bands. We found a new seating spot this year, right at the beginning and I'm pretty sure it's our new favorite spot. We ended the month in Iowa, celebrating Jacob's birthday with family. 

Cousins!

July was a bit busier. We started the month celebrating the 4th, Jacob's birthday again and the wedding of a cousin's out at the family farm. All of us cousins were finally in the same place at the same time! It was a miracle. Jacob did TWO weeks of Vacation Bible School - one at Messiah with Nana and one at CTK. While he might not have been a fan of going that much, he was a trooper and did good! 

Girls Weekend

I also enjoyed an extended Girls Weekend getaway with some high school friends. This was our second year of having a girls weekend and it was just as much fun and definitely needed. It's always amazing when you can get together with friends who you don't see very often and sometimes don't talk to very often, but it's like nothing changes. I love having such a great group of women in my life and I love all the fun we have. 

At work, we had a Office Family Outing at the Mankato Moondogs game at the end of the month. It was a fun afternoon of food, drinks and baseball! Then, I ended the month up in Fargo, at our headquarters for our annual marketing meeting. This was the second time I've been to Fargo for a marketing meeting and the second time I did not manage to get a visit to Dan and Josh in! There's always next year. 

And finally, August. We spent one Thursday exploring a new park up in Jordan with some friends and had a great time. The park had a great playground, a splash pad and a little beach! We would definitely go back. Then Jacob and I went to Iowa to take part in the 2nd Annual Focus Up on Mental Health 5K, which is organized by Austin's sister, in his memory. It was a very successful event and a great weekend to spend with family. But our weekends down there are never long enough and Jacob did not want to leave that Sunday. 

Just last week, Jacob had Camp MidKnight at school. This is where they invite all the incoming kindergartners to come experience what a typical school day will be like once school starts. It's so amazing because they have not only the Kindergartner teachers there, but also many of the preschool teachers. They have practically the whole school to themselves, get lunch and meet new friends. Jacob had a really fun time, saw some friends from Knights Plus and made some new friends. While he's excited to finish out his summer vacation, I think he's also really excited to start school again. 

I also had the chance to attend my 15 year High School Reunion last week!!! What?! Yes, 15 years. We all kind of missed the ball on this and so the event was thrown together last minute. But we still managed a good showing and it was fun to see old friends and classmates that I haven't seen since probably our 10 year reunion! :) 

Jacob and I have spent the last 10 days fending for ourselves while Nana and Papa are enjoying a trip overseas! And I'm happy to report that we are surviving! And while it's nice to know we're capable of taking care of ourselves, we're also looking forward to the return of Nana and Papa. And if I'm not mistaken, I think they're glad we aren't taking this newfound freedom of living independently too seriously and that we'll probably stick with the basement a while longer. :) 

So here's to the rest of summer vacation, my favorite season fall and then winter before we know it. 

More pictures from the year:

Like I said, entirely too much snow

Cousins!

Kindergarten Roundup!

Happy Easter!

Air Spectacular 

Celebrating 150 Years at Our Saviour's Butternut

Happy 6th Birthday, Jacob!

Happy Birthday to my favorite little boy, although not so little any more!!

Jacob, you continue to amaze me every single day. Watching you grow and learn new things is fascinating. You are, in many ways, your father's son. You talk nonstop. You are a silly goofball who loves to make people laugh. And you are just so happy. 

You make me laugh with your funny little quips and your imagination continues to grow. I love listening to you playing, telling stories or singing your own songs. You are incredibly clever and kind. Although, you do still favor the 'bad guys'.... :) 

You are not shy by any means, not afraid to talk to anyone and everyone. Wherever we go, people around us get to experience the joy of life you share. You'll say hi to everyone or go up to strangers or anyone who will listen and say "guess what?". You also like to talk about yourself probably the most! :) You went through a phase where you were in love with telling jokes. You would make up your own, ask us to tell jokes and just love to laugh. 

You can charm the pants off pretty much anyone, no matter where we are - the dentist, the children's museum, the barbershop, the park... And you don't even realize you're doing it. You're just that sweet and amazing and kind. 

You are still full of questions. You call yourself the Question Boy. You also call yourself Toy Boy in an attempt to continue to get more toys to add to your growing collection... But you love to ask questions. You are so curious about everything. You'll ask about new words you've just learned and what they mean. You'll ask about the why the weather does strange things. You'll ask about bugs or what I'm doing when I'm trying to work. You have to find all the answers. 

You continue to mature every single day. Things that you use to struggle with or not want to do, you now do bravely and without whining. It makes me so incredibly proud. 

You finished a year of Knights Plus at school. You grew so much over the past year. And like so much else in your life, you ended the year much stronger and smarter. I think next year at Kindergarten, you're going to thrive. 

You currently LOVE numbers. All numbers. All things numbers. All things math. You love telling time, knowing the time, wanting to know how much time. You want to know everyone's age. You can count extremely well and even more so, you've learned to do basic addition - both verbally and by writing down math problems. You are so incredibly smart for your age. 

You still love tractor rides and all things dinosaurs. You have also gotten into Transformers, StoryBots and the Magic School Bus. You have a globe that you love looking at and asking questions like "when are we going to go here?" (aka the middle of Russia and probably never) You really love playing with anything because of your amazing creative imagination. You're getting more and more comfortable on your bike too. 

You love to walk and run around, especially at parks and you love to go exploring on the playground equipment. You love bouncy-houses - especially this one that you climb up the one side with a rope and slide down the slide on the other side. 

And you still love reading books. We've been working on reading some sight words and you like to read certain parts of some of your favorite books. Soon you'll be reading on your own! 

Every day I am amazed by you. I love your joy, your happiness, your loving heart. I love your innocent and free spirit and your crazy imagination. I love your laugh and your smile. I love your hugs and your kisses. You are absolutely my favorite boy. 

I love you. Happy Birthday. 

Happy Birthday Jacob!

You woke up early on your birthday. Like 6 a.m. on the dot. The first words out of your mouth were, "Mommy, tell me Happy Birthday!" And then you raced upstairs to open presents. 

It is so fun to watch you go through this world with your unlimited joy. I cannot believe how quickly you continue to grow and learn. I am forever amazed by the things you say and do. You are truly a light of joy and happiness. 

My heart aches knowing what you've gone through in the past year of your life and what that means for each year moving forward. But I know that you have such a good heart and a strong love, and those will serve you well. 

Your year of five already promises to be an exciting one! You received your first-ever bike and are learning how to ride it. Right now, it may be tough, but I know one day you're going to love zooming all over on your bike. We have a family trip planned to Disney World - your first big vacation, first theme park and first trip the ocean! I'm curious to see how it all goes. And this fall, you are starting the Knights Plus program in Lake Crystal, going to school five days a week. I know you're going to love that! 

You still love all things dinosaur. And I mean ALL THINGS DINOSAUR. You can never have enough dinosaur toys. Seriously. I'm tempting to round them all up just to count how many you do have, but I don't know that we would be able to locate them all! 

You love playing good guys and bad guys, and in fact, you still like being the bad guy more often than not. You enjoy watching YouTube videos, especially of other kids playing or opening new toys. Whenever you find a character you like, whether it's from a book, movie or game, you want it as a toy. You love helping Nana mow or going to the farm with Papa to "play pool". Of course you still love tractors and farming. 

Recently you've done a lot of singing. You'll make up your own songs and tell some sort of story, all while dancing around the room in circles. I love these story songs. You and Nana also like telling stories by taking turns. You've had some interesting stories! You also like to play the piano while I sing a song. You like throwing the ball down the stairs and having someone throw it back up to you. You love bouncing. You love going to the park. You love watching me play Donkey Kong. 

You also love to read. And this warms my heart!! You love to have stories read to you. You get the library fairly often with Nana. You love any book about dinosaurs, the Pigeon books and right now you really love the Elephant and Piggy books. We read these so often, that you like to be either Piggy or Elephant - mostly Piggy. So we read those books together, me as Elephant and you "reading" the part of Piggy. It is adorable. And you have a good memory! 

We're continuing to work on letters and spelling. Soon we'll be teaching you to read! You love asking "What does this spell?" and then listing off different letters. Sometimes you manage to make a word, but not very often. You also like asking "What does __ and __ make?" Like what does 10 and 5 make? Or what is 4 and 6 and how do we get there? You have such a curious mind. The other night at dinner, I may have let you go a little crazy by letting you mix things up like your milk and ketchup or the ketchup in my water and stirring it up. You were having a blast. I might have to find you some sort of science kit for Christmas! 

You still love spending time with your cousins Evie and KK. You love visiting Nana and Papa Z at the farm. You love playing with your "brother" Liam. You actually keep asking for a baby brother or sister. You love the babies at daycare; playing with them and making them smile and laugh. 

You are the most wonderful kid, the light of my life. I love you so much. Happy Birthday. 

Busy Busy

I'm officially a month into the new job. It feels both like I've been here forever and for no time at all. I'm enjoying all the work so far although there is a huge learning curve and that will only get better with time. But so far, I think this was the right move to make.


I don't think I could tell you where the past month went....


Jacob started preschool and his first day did not start out like I expected. He had been asking to go to school for months! So excited to ride the bus! When we pulled up to the school that first day, Jacob said to me "I want to go to Amber's". Broke my heart. The poor kid did not want to get out of the car, he was so nervous! Which isn't like him at all! We finally got him into the school and once he was in his classroom, he was good to go! He saw the dinosaurs and was ready to play! On his second day, he said to me in the car, "I'm not scared to go to school today, Mom." :)


He's been enjoying school every since! He gets dropped off in the mornings by either myself or his Grandpa or most likely his Grandma... there was some adventure there on whether or not Jacob was old enough* to ride the bus to school in the morning. (*Grandparents not being ready for this! ha!) He rides a smaller bus and gets dropped off right at Amber's door before lunch. He wouldn't really share too much about school at first but he's slowly opening up more and telling us things. He's always excited to share when he gets to be a helper with something - the carpet squares, weather, bell ringer, etc.


He can spell his own name and gets very excited every time he sees the letter "J"! I had him trace his name on a card the other day and he was saying things like "Down, around, curve around..." It was so cute! I love watching him learn new things and grow! He'll also come home singing different songs which of course, is adorable. He went on a field trip to the apple orchard a couple of weeks back and came home and told us how you "grab and twist" to pull down the apples.


My only problem with school is that Jacob does get pretty tired in the morning and will generally take a really good nap at daycare. By the time bedtime rolls around, the kid has all of his energy back!! Maybe he was ready for a full day of school! :)


Jacob also started swimming lessons again. I think he misses the lessons when parents would go in the pool to because he keeps asking both me and his dad, "Are you coming in?" :) Also, Jacob is definitely that kid that won't do anything the teacher is asking and instead stands back a little ways, looks around for us and waves with a big smile on his face! haha I also have to say that this class (why only this class, I have no idea) is giving me mini-heart attacks! HA! There's just two teachers and a handful of four year olds. They move themselves along the wall of the pool into the deeper section and sit on the edge. Jacob's sat on the edge of the pool no problem before but there are a couple of other kids who like to jump or slide off the edge when they're not suppose to - i.e. no one is there to catch them! It's terrifying and I'm just waiting for Jacob to decide to do that as well! I am no okay with this! I swear, Jacob better not be any good at sports (his parents' histories help here...) because I do not think I'm going to be the type of mom who can just watch things happen without freaking out! Seriously!


Jacob also got to enjoy some time at a temporary daycare, literally just down the street from Amber's while Amber had her baby! He did really well with this transition! As we kept getting closer to him going back to Amber's, I would ask if he was excited to see and play with the new baby. And his response would be, "Yes, I'm going to play with the little Frank the Combine" hahaha Jacob is obsessed with Frank the Combine from the movie Cars. He has a Frank toy, but at Amber's there is a smaller one. He kept telling us that he wanted to get a smaller one and that we should go buy one. Finally I said maybe for Christmas or Easter he could get it.


And speaking of Frank the Combine, this is what Jacob will be going as for Halloween.... as soon as I finish the costume. He super excited. He also said that mommy has to be Lightning McQueen and daddy is Tow-Mater. So, AJ and I both have t-shirts to wear so Jacob can chase us. Then he said that Nana and Papa were going to be the tractors that tip over! This kid.


Jumping in at Eide Bailly and learning as much as I can, as quickly as I can, things have stayed very busy. There is definitely plenty of work to do and it does get a little bit easier every day. What's nice about the job though is that it's very easy to leave everything at work when I'm done for the day. And I love that. Everyone has been very welcoming so far and I've also realized that I'm probably going to gain a bunch of weight while working here. Almost every day it seems like there are some sort of treats or desserts or snacks in the lunch room! I've got to work up my self-control!


I also started at Fun.com again and am really enjoying that. It's pretty easy money, doing customer service via chat and email. And because it feels so easy, I keep wanting to put myself down to work more hours... forgetting of course that my parents can only handle so much of Jacob on top of everything else and that I need sleep. My mom (well and a lot of other people) kept telling me to slow down. But I'm so close to paying off my last credit card and I was racing towards that finish line. But my body decided it needed to remind me slow down and I got a cold that just knocked me out. I basically slept for two days and while I still don't have much of a voice, I am feeling better. And ready to jump back into things... :) I just have to make it to November......


It's funny but I've come to think of October as the one month out of the year that I want to both go by incredibly fast and take as long as possible. Totally doable, right? I love working at Fun but sometimes wish that time away, ready to relax in November. But October is also my favorite month and I don't want that time to just fly by. I love the weather and the activities. There's not enough time for both! Maybe one year, I'll just have one job in October. :)


One of those two days of sleeping was my birthday, so it was pretty low-key. My parents and Jacob sang to me in the morning, Jacob showed me the brownies he and my mom made and gave me a present that he picked out - a lovely smelling candle! Then my mom said to Jacob, "Jacob, what did you want to get mommy for her birthday?" And Jacob said "A small Frank the Combine!" hahaha Sadly, they were out of those at the store.


Jacob got to spend the other weekend down in Iowa with his Zaruba Nana and Papa and his favorite cousin Evie! He had an absolute blast! We also went to a Vehicle Fair and Harvest Festival at the Children's Museum, visited another Fall Festival out at Terrace View golf course, went to a Fall Festival at the elementary school and harvested grapes. It's been a pretty busy fall! And of course, Papa and Mark have finally been able to get into the fields so Jacob has had a couple of combine rides. And he is still in heaven. He took a ride with mark the other day and basically talked nonstop the entire time! Mark had a phone call and the guy on the phone even asked "Who's in the combine with you?!" HA!


I think that's about it for an update for us right now. I'm sure they'll be more again soon!

Happy Birthday Jacob!

Jacob, where do I even begin? This past year has felt like a roller-coaster to most of us but you have been our constant light and joy. 

I remember the events of four years ago well. We were so ready to meet you. So ready to start loving you. But we had no idea just how much love and joy and happiness you would bring into our lives. It is truly an honor to be your mother and watch you grow and learn every single day. 

I often call you a little man. Some of your mannerisms and expressions are so grown up and are absolutely adorable on you. You're getting the hang of rolling your eyes, something that I'm sure you'll only perfect as the years continue. :) You say the cutest things - some of which you've picked up from us and others I have no idea! "Holy Moley!" "I know, I know" (in exasperation) "That is awesome!" "Woah!" You are incredibly smart and nothing seems to get past you. You can remember so many things, especially fun experiences we have. You also enjoy repeating what we adults say or mocking our expressions or movements. You love to be the center of attention and you can always make a room full of people laugh. 

Your personality is so bubbly, so infectious, so clever, so joyful. You are smart. You are kind. You are caring. You are goofy. You are lovable. I love when you randomly give me hugs and say "I love you so much". I love how after giving you hugs and kisses from daddy for a few weeks after he was away, you came into my bedroom one morning to give me a hug and a kiss from daddy. I love that you still want to cuddle. I love that you love to read so much - even if it is the same book five times in a row! :) I love when you look at me and give me a silly face for no reason. I love when you ask me to sing you songs. I love your giggle. 

You truly have a kind and caring soul. You pick up on more things than I wish you would at your age, but you are a comfort to us in those times when we need the reassurance the most. I really believe that you are going to grow up with this huge heart, full of love to share everyone. 

You are growing up too quickly. Each time that I'm away from you even just for a few days, you come back looking even more grown up. You're becoming much more independent, which makes me both incredibly happy and sad. Right now, you're on this kick of saying "When I'm four....." "When I'm four, I'll get dressed by myself" "When I'm four, I get to ride the bus to school" "When I'm four I won't have any accidents" It's adorable. But you sure have given yourself a lot to accomplish when you turn four! :) 

You are starting preschool this fall, four days a week. It's easier for me to be okay with this knowing how excited you are to start school. Even if it is just because you get to ride the bus. You've continued to love ECFE classes this past year - even expanding your areas of play. You especially looked forward to seeing what was in the sensory box each week. You've been taking swimming lessons and again have come so far! You can swim by yourself and your frog floatie. You're doing great about floating on your back and sometimes even your tummy! You even asked Papa to dunk your head under the water in the pool the other night! You started at a new daycare this past year and have really enjoyed being around more boys with your same energy. :) You did Rainbow Room at church on Wednesdays and even stood up and sang in front of the church with your class a couple times. That really made me proud. 

You love going to Iowa to visit the Zaruba farm. You love when it's just your, your cousin Evie and Nana and Papa Zaruba! You ask often to go down there and tell us how much you love your cousin Evie. You also ask to visit Meg in Big Fork and Uncle Dan in Fargo. Really, I think you just like going for road trips! Everything becomes an adventure for you, even just going to the park on a Saturday morning. You love play dates with Liam, which is great because Liam's mommy and I need that time together too! :) You are often very patient when playing with other kids, courteous and really good about sharing. 

You are so good with counting, with singing the ABC's and with singing other songs! You rock at colors and shapes still. Some of your favorite books (that we've read a thousand times), you can "read" those back to us! You still LOVE dinosaurs and you know a good number of different dinosaurs names as well! We've started to work a little bit on tracing and drawing shapes or letters. You of course still love the farm, especially the combine. You pretty  much spend all winter, spring and summer asking if the combine is "awake" yet so you can help Papa and Mark harvest corn. 

You love to watch Daddy go bowling on the Wii so for Daddy's birthday this year, we took you to go bowling for the first time. You beat us both. :) You also loved the Jurassic Park video game. You love watching Daddy play Mario. You love going on walks. You love going down slides at the park - especially the twisty ones. You love going to BounceTown and the Children's Museum. You are so full of energy and excitement and it especially warms my heart when you still do your "Jacob jig". :) 

You are my pride and joy. You are my everything. I am so blessed to be able to call myself your mom. You truly add a bright light to this world. As much as I wish you would stay little, I have enjoyed watching you grow and learn over the past year. I look forward to seeing what year four brings you. Your daddy and I love you with all of our hearts. Happy Birthday, Jacob.