Today was Austin's birthday. It's hard to believe this is the third birthday we've had since he's been gone.
I recently saved an article on Facebook that I saw pop up on my newsfeed. Full disclosure that I have not read it yet. But the title was "That Discomfort You're Feeling is Grief". And it was like something clicked in my mind. Yes, that is what I've been feeling these past few weeks. There is much to grieve about our current situation. Our lives have been uprooted, they've changed so quickly with so little time to prepare. We must adapt quickly to this new life, this new normal. And so of course, we grieve how life was. We grieve the lost of normalcy. We grieve what has been taken from us.
And so I think that all of that grief only intensified my grief for Austin today. Because in many ways, I think the grief of COVID parallels the grief I've experienced from the loss of Austin.
He was gone too quickly. It was so abrupt and we were not prepared. All normalcy was suddenly gone and we were left to figure out how to adapt in this life with Austin gone. And two years on, I still struggle. I still grieve what was taken from us, I still grieve that life will never been the same without Austin. I grieve that Jacob has to adapt to this world without his dad.
It's been a rough week all around. We continue to watch this pandemic grow. We watch as some of our leaders are working hard to do what they can in the situation and we watch as some of our leaders continue to fail us. We watch as we see how this pandemic has thrown into view much of what is not working in our current system and we struggle to agree on ways to address the growing needs.
In Minnesota, we received a shelter-in-place order for two weeks and extended closure of many businesses, including the Y. So we struggle with what this means, how we will make this work, we struggle with the enormous amount of questions that arise and so few answers.
At the Y, we struggled this week to quickly prepare ourselves to work remotely from home. This meant upgrading and adding new technology that many are not familiar with and must learn on such a short timeframe. We struggled with how the organization will look after being closed for nearly two months. We struggled as we try to make sure we're staying as connected to our members as we can be. We struggled. Or at least, I struggled.
And damnit, as I write this, I find myself needing to find some good in all this. Is that what happens when you have two pastors currently living the the house? In the midst of all the struggle, I can see how people are coming together, how people are supporting one another, how people are connecting with one another. We've always had this technology to keep us all connected but it's not until it's our final option that we seem to finally be using it. I've had video happy hours over the past week with friends that I don't connect with nearly enough. I've been able to connect with church members with live Facebook videos and groups to keep us connected. I've felt connected to different communities as we come together to help those in need.
So yes, the grief is strong. But there is still much to be grateful for. There is still good to be found. But I'm also going to give myself some grace and know that it's okay to feel that grief. It's okay to let that grief consume you, but only for a little bit.
My mom read this devotional and made me a copy a few weeks ago. And I think that's how I'm going to end this post. Today I am grieving. Today I am sad. Today I am missing someone I love. Today my coin is grief-up.
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