Trusting God and Taking Leaps

Just a quick note: Writing is a way that I express myself and it helps me to sort out my thoughts. So I apologize if some of this doesn't make sense, but it's just everything that is going through my mind.


Wednesday

Well, the week has been an eventful week, to say the very least. In fact, I'm not even sure how to begin. No details of our week need to be described here, but the events that took place were ones that tested both AJ and myself. They tested our marriage. They tested our strength. They tested the support of our family and friends. They tested our patience. They tested our (or at least my) trust in God.

I don't think that I've ever prayed harder than I did earlier this week. I don't think I've ever asked God to make things okay more than I have this week. There were points that I was literally on my knees, begging God to give me answers and wanting them to be the answers I needed to hear. I don't think my relationship with God has ever been this... raw. There was just so much going through my heart, my mind, my soul that I'm not even sure I still understand it all. I think I'm still trying to process everything. I know that I've never needed God more in my life than I have this week. I've never needed the reassurance I'm seeking from Him now.

AJ and I are at a point in our life where some changes need to be made, from both our ends. We've done a lot of talking this week trying to figure those changes out - what they are and how we go about making them happen. And while some plans have been made and some steps have been taken, we've still got a long way to go. There are plans up in the air and many more steps to be taken. And I'm struggling with this. I'm struggling with the fact that things are up in the air. I'm struggling not knowing exactly what our next steps are. I'm struggling not having answers. And I'm struggling - so much - not to worry about it all.

I'm a "worrier" by nature. It runs in my family. Ask anyone. And I think it's also a symptom of being the oldest child. But whatever the case, I worry. A lot. I'm trying to look at everything and wanting to find solutions. I want to fix what's wrong. I want to know the answers I'm desperately waiting to hear. I worry about it all. And I'm also a hypocrite in this sense. AJ is also a worrier, especially if he thinks he's the one causing "problems" or whatever the case is. And so I'm constantly telling AJ not to worry. I'm telling him to just let it go. To move forward. The problem is, I don't take my own advice.

I think in my current situation, I just want to have control. I want to be able to help. I want to be able to have the answers. But I don't. I am having a hard time letting go. I know that worrying about things is not going to do me any good. I know worrying is not going to fix our problems. I know that I need to push all of that aside and trust God. I need to let go and let God. But I'm still hesitant. Maybe it's because I've put my trust in God the entire time AJ and I have been apart. And so far, it hasn't gotten us anywhere. I've trusted God that He knows what He's doing and that this is all part of His plan. But this week was a breaking point for me. And I guess I'm tired of waiting. I'm trying my hardest to keep my trust in God. And I'm putting a lot of pressure on him to wrap things up and make everything okay by the end of week. I've given him a time line in my mind. And I know that's not fair and that's not how God works. But that's where I'm at. I am trying to put it all out of my mind and move forward. I am trying not to worry. I'm trying no to think about what will happen if I don't get the answers I'm so desperately hoping for. I am trying to put my trust in God. But right now, it's taking everything I have to do that. 

Friday

Well, the end of the week has come. I'm not sure the end of the week has necessarily gotten any better, or worse for that matter. It just is. I discussed everything I wrote above with AJ some more and we talked about our options, our wants, our needs. We determined the next step in our plan. But that wasn't easy for us to do. And it wasn't an easy step. But we were hopeful and trusting God it was the right decision and that He will see us through it.

On Thursday when I returned to work, I think I felt like a zombie. I wasn't really there. I wasn't feeling. I was just trying to put myself completely in work so that I wasn't thinking about everything else. So I wasn't worrying about everything else. So I wasn't driving myself crazy. While I was out of the office, my mom sent me a devotion she had come across. She mentioned it was a good reminder "that God walks with you and has both you and AJ in the palm of His hand" during a time of uncertainty and turmoil. And it was just what I needed to hear (or read). I know that these times of uncertainty can be times of pain, but also times of growth. I have to remember that God is in the process of His plan and He knows what he's doing. The devotion was based on Psalm 98 and the text from the devotion is below: 

The most joyful woman I have ever known is someone who has suffered some true tragedies in her life: loss of loved ones, health and home. Yet, I spend just a few minutes in her presence and I come away feeling refreshed and more positive than I had been in weeks.
More than a mere positive attitude, she has a joy that runs deep, founded in her trust in and gratitude to God. I think of her when I hear the words, "O sing to the Lord a new song!" Her life is a new song of praise composed every time she shares her joy in the Lord. It is heard not with lyre or trumpet, but with the instruments of faith, assurance and hope.
For what are you grateful to God? Is there a "new song" others will hear in you? What "instruments" will you use?
We praise you, God, for your saving presence. Help us today to sing your praise in everything we do. Amen.

What a great reminder, right? Especially for two people that love to sing as much as AJ and I do. We need to remember to rejoice in the Lord! God will see us through this time.

Last night once I left work though, I started to get anxious again. I was hoping for an answer that hadn't come yet. And I was disappointed in that. And I started to think about this next step (actually, it was more of a HUGE leap!) that I needed to take and it made me start to worry about other issues. I tried to be strong and keep it inside because I didn't want to burden anyone else, especially AJ. But he broke me down and got inside of my thoughts. But it helped, he helped. He reminded me, yet again, what I already knew but needed to hear once again. It seems these days, I'm needed to be reminded of certain things a lot. But the good thing is, I have a lot of people that are there for me and that will remind me as often as I need them to. 

And then today, Friday, came. The end of the week. The day I was hoping for some answers. The day decisions were going to be put into action. The deadline I had given God. And although I still didn't have everything worked out like I had wanted, there were other things I needed to do. After a lot of talking, thinking and praying this week, AJ and I decided that the best thing for us and for our relationship was for me to be out in Council Bluffs. So, I gave Kruger my two weeks notice today. 


This was a very tough decision for us, especially since I don't have another job lined up at this time. But AJ and I both believe (as does many of our family) that this is the best thing for us at this time. We believe that this is the right decision. We believe that God is going to help us through this. I think that this is the biggest leap, biggest risk that I've ever taken. And it's hard to leave a job you really enjoy, and that you have friends at. And it's hard to leave a job that's within your field, in this economy. This isn't the way I pictured myself leaving. But I'm putting my faith in God. I'm putting my trust in Him, my hope in Him. And I'm doing the same with our marriage. We made vows to each other and we're standing by them. I'm making our marriage my number one priority right now - making my husband my number one priority. 

I'm sure that this decision will in turn bring about some new struggles for AJ and I. But I also believe that it is going to bring us a lot of comfort, a lot of support for each other. And that is what we need right now. We know that we have the support from Riverside and we appreciate that so much. And once I'm out in Council Bluffs, we're going to start getting to church every Sunday so that we can gain that family and get their support as well. We're going to start building our lives - together - out in Council Bluffs finally. And I know that God is going to be there with us, every step of the way.