2021: Connect

So I've been tossing a few words around, trying to determine my 2021 Word of the Year. One of those was Connect. It came to me the same way last year's word did - through a quiz on Dayspring.com. But I'll be honest, when the word was first revealed to me after the quiz I thought, "that's boring." I set it aside as I continued to ponder and pray over my 2021 Word of the Year. 

I was very much leaning in another direction when this word came back to me and was placed on my heart. 

You see, the beginning of 2021 has already been filled with hate and division. I don't need to tell you. And while I don't want to make this a political post to discuss current events and what it looks like to move forward, I do have to recognize that there is a need to connect with others more personally. Not just arguing on Facebook, which yes, I admit, I struggle with. 

Recently, I've been having a conversation with a very good friend from college. Our political views have always been different but we've always been able to have really good conversations. While these don't get to happen as much as they did when we were in college, it was this most recent conversation that really brought the word Connect back to the forefront. 

See, chances are, we - as in all people - probably agree with each other more than we think we do. But we don't often realize this because of our social media world and the very loud voices of a few. But taking the time to really connect, to really talk, to really listen - this is when you really start to learn. 

In this particular conversation with my friend, our faith as Christians was also a main point. And so I found myself thinking, am I connecting enough with others as a Christian? As a child of God? Can I be more connected to God in my personal relationship with Him so that others can clearly see His light through me? At the end of 2020, I started Bible Journaling again to reconnect with God and it was amazing how different I felt after spending that intentional time in His word. 

I also feel like 2020 was such a crazy year and because of the pandemic, we didn't get to travel or go out and do things as much as we liked. And this made it harder to connect with our family and friends. I think - I hope, I pray - that in 2021, we'll have more chances to connect with each other. 

I'm also very much still in this place of learning who I am right now and learning to love myself. So continuing to connect with myself is another must for the year. 

So there it is. My 2021 Word of the Year: Connect. I'm excited to see what this year brings, what God has planned for me and how this word will manifest itself in my life. 

2020: Bloom

 My 2020 Word of the Year was Bloom. I'm pretty sure I never wrote about it at the beginning of the year. Mostly because it was a word that came to me in an pretty uneventful manner. I took a quiz on Dayspring.com and that was what it suggested. I didn't have anything better in mind, so I took it.

But, looking back at 2020?? Bloom was a very fitting word. 

I don't need to tell you what 2020 was like. It was... well, you know. A lot of things sucked. But there was also quite a bit of good that happened. 

I talked a little bit about Bloom in my recent post reflecting on one year at the YMCA. And this is really where I think my word of the year was most evident. Starting a new job right before a world pandemic is not something I anticipated doing. Learning the ropes at a new job is always challenging. Learning the ropes and building new ropes as you navigate unknown territories? Woah. 

I'm incredibly proud of the work I've accomplished at the Y. I personally always feel I work better when I have a good challenge or have a lot of different projects to work on. And in 2020, I had challenge after challenge and projects on top of projects. It was stressful, wonderful, demanding, fun, crazy and so much more.

I was already looking forward to this position at the Y to help me grow in my profession. But 2020 gave me the opportunity to really bloom; to thrive. And I'm grateful for that. 

For the past few years, since AJ's death, I've felt like I was in survival mode. I had no choice to stop or even pause really. I had to keep going, but I was going at the bare minimum. Doing just what I had to do in order to survive. At work. At home. With Jacob. With myself. 

This past year, I finally found myself in a place where I could start moving past that. I found myself thinking more about what I want for the future. I felt more comfortable taking risks and trying new things. Thanks in a large part to consistent therapy throughout the year, I really started taking a look at figuring out the person I am in this life I never expected. 

Obviously I have a long way yet before I feel like I'm truly thriving in all aspects of my life, but I have definitely started blooming. I can't tell you how refreshing it feels to be able to think past survival mode. And to be clear, me moving past survival mode does not diminish the grief and difficulties that came after losing AJ and that continue today. But I am in a better place. And I'm grateful for that. 

About halfway through the year, I came up with this:

B: Be confident & beautiful
L: Love myself
O: Offer myself grace
O: Open to new adventures
M: Mindful gratitude

I'll admit I didn't follow it as much as I probably should have. But there's no reason I can't try to continue this into the new year! Each of those things are still things that I struggle with on a daily basis. 

Also, about mid-year, I started reading a book and this quote was the start of chapter 1:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" -Anais Nin

I really connected with this quote and took it as encouragement from God that I'm on the right path. 

I also created a list of other ways I felt I've bloomed over the past year: 

• Bought a brand new electric bike and named her Rose
• Which meant spending more time outdoors with Jacob and my parents 
• Kept going to therapy on a consistent basis, rather than just when things fall apart
• I joined the church council at church, along with the Peace & Justice Commission
• Kicking butt at the YMCA professionally :) 
• Did more volunteering through church on a couple of projects
• I randomly bought myself flowers just because (more than once!), which also allowed me to support a local business 
• Doing video chats with some amazing friends that I can't even begin to explain just how important they've been for me
• I gave a sermon at church about my 2018 word of the year
• I read a total 70 books throughout the year (20 past my goal!) 
• I started Bible Journaling again and connecting with God 
• I was fortunate enough to not only stay employed all year, but to be in a position where I could give to help others throughout the year
• I worked another season at Fun.com and am so close to completely paying off all my debt
• I stayed engaged with politics on all levels - okay, so this isn't new for me, but I think was very important this past year and will continue to be so
• I was preapproved for a mortgage and started looking at houses (nothing yet though)
• I had some tough conversations with people that I love and care about it and that have strengthened those relationships
• I'm eager to learn about myself in this moment of my life
• I'm trying to learn to love myself better 
• And moving past that survival mode to whatever comes next 

Obviously life is a constant journey. But I can't say that 2020 was a complete dumpster fire for me. And I am so grateful for that. 

I don't yet have my Word of the Year for 2021; I'm still doing some thinking. But I will definitely find something. This has become something I look forward to at the start of each new year and something that helped me throughout each year. 

And just for fun, here's a look at the Pinterest board I created for BLOOM: https://www.pinterest.com/lizzaruba/2020-bloom/ 

2019: Focus

2018 was... well, it was a rough year. 

I started the year tracking how each day went - great, good, okay, bad, awful - like I did in 2017. But after February, I stopped. After February, the rest of the year just sort of happened and I'm not really sure how. After February, I would have good or even great days, but they still felt like they were tied to a rock of numbness, pain, sadness. After February, I feel like I just sort of floated through, did what I needed to survive but nothing more. All of which is completely understandable. 

But after reading a recap of 2017, I decided I wanted 2019 to be better. I need it to be better. For me. For Jacob. And with that, I knew my 2019 Word of the Year needed to be FOCUS. 

This year, I'm going to focus on those things that I need in order to feel like I'm actually doing and living again. I'm going to focus on my health. I'm going to focus on being a better parent to Jacob. I'm going to focus on spending more time with God. I want to be more intentional with my time and focus. 

I realize that 2019 will still be hard in many ways that it was in 2018. There are still so many feelings and things to process. But I need to focus on that as well, work through it, instead of just letting it happen. 

So I'm going to focus on the things I can change in 2019. Focus on intentional. Focus on Jacob. Focus on me. Focus on God. Focus on being present. Focus on doing better. Focus on my goals. Focus on family and friends. Focus on love and happiness. Focus on what's most important to me. 

Focus. 

2018 - The Year of Hope?

At the beginning of the year, I determined my Word of the Year was going to be Hope. You can read all about why I chose this word in my first blog post of the year. Even with that initial blog post, I'm not sure I had much conviction about why HOPE was my 2018 Word of the Year.

As I reflect back on this past year, I struggled to understand why HOPE was the my word. Why was I called to have that word surround me? What was the point? The meaning?

Especially as this past year, there were moments when I've never felt more hopeless. There were moments that hope seemed like the farthest thing possible. Instead there was pain and sadness and grief and anger. This past year was a year where a person I love decided to give up all hope.

It felt at times that my word was only taunting me. Reminding me of the things I lost, the things I'll never have. Dangling just out of my reach.

Until now. During this advent season. When I read an advent devotional*. Below are the words that spoke out to me. 

In the midst of a world of fear, we can still keep the faith. In the midst of darkness, we can still know light. During a time of sorrow, we can still find joy. 

All of this tells me that no matter how much hurt is in the world or in my heart, there can still be hope. 

Without hope, we get stuck in this anger and it simply leaves a path of destruction in its wake. But when we hope, we also find the courage to act, to speak, to believe and even to wait. 

At the top of the page in the devotional book, I circled the word HOPE in the title. Next to it I wrote "my 2018 word of the year, still don't know why" before reading the rest of the devotional. 

And it was when I read this sentence: "All of this tells me that no matter how much hurt is in the world or in my heart, there can still be hope." that I thought - is this it? Is this why HOPE was my 2018 word of the year? That after all the very bad and the pain and sadness, there is STILL HOPE. 

Maybe it truly is as simple as that. After a year of feeling hopeless, of grief, of anger, of pain, I can acknowledge that there is indeed still hope. Hope to keep going. Hope to keep loving. Hope for transformation. Hope in God. 

In a lot of ways, it was not a great year. It was a hard year. But as I reflect now, I can see the moments of hope. I can understand how hope kept me going, even if I didn't realize that's what it was. And I can believe that hope will continue. 

I sit in awe of the fact that God spoke this word of HOPE to me over a year ago. I'm glad I listened even when I didn't understand. And I'm grateful for the understanding now. 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13 


*For those wondering, the devotional came from Advent Devotional provided by my church, Christ the King Lutheran. Devotionals and messages were submitted by staff and members of the congregation. This devotional of hope? Well, it was written by Pastor Trish. Darn those mothers for always knowing what to say. :)