Memories and Letting Go

It's been one month. One month since he's been gone. One month since every single thing in life was changed. 

Thanks to social media apps like TimeHop, it's easy to remember what happened on this day one year ago, two years ago, etc. A couple of days ago, this picture showed up in my memories... 

There was no caption, but I remembered exactly when this picture was taken. It was on our way to South Dakota. To drop Austin off at an inpatient treatment facility. I remember wanting to get a picture of Austin and Jacob playing so that Jacob would have something to look at while his dad was away. 

And then yesterday, another memory, an old blog post. Again, from one year ago. The Struggles of Addiction in the Family. You see, it was just one year ago that there seemed to be this shift of change in our lives. Although, we had no idea what was coming. 

When I shared this post on Facebook last year, I said it was a raw and rambling post. And as I re-read it, I could feel those raw emotions open inside of me again. Only this time, they were tainted. Tainted with grief, with unimaginable sorrow, with the knowledge that our story did not have a happy ending. 

Re-reading that post was painful. Painful to think about everything that happened next over the course of 12 months. Painful to think about things that were said or done out of anger. Painful to think about how much could change in just one year. Painful to think about how it all ended. Just one month ago. 

I so wish that Austin could have gotten his happy ending. I wanted that for him so much. I couldn't tell you what I thought the future looked like for the two of us, but I wanted him happy, healthy, sober and to be the best dad he could be for Jacob. 

Instead, those of us who loved Austin are left here to deal with this abrupt change; this abrupt end. There will most likely be so many unanswered questions. So much that we will never know. That is probably one of the hardest things. But at the end of that blog post from a year ago, I wrote this: 

"...let go and let God."

In fact, I even have that reminder tattooed on my wrist now. The only thing I can do is to let go of those questions and unknown answers. Let go of what I don't understand. And let God take control. Let God comfort me. Let God bring peace to me. Let God. 

And so that is what I must do. I must ask God to comfort me. To bring me peace. Because I do know that Austin is finally at peace. I know that he is in a better place. I know that he is in the presence of the Lord. 

Stand in the Rain

The past week.... has sucked. I feel run-down. I feel defeated. I feel low. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. 

At the beginning of last week, I was in South Dakota, visiting Austin at Keystone as part of the family program. While Austin has been working the program and putting a lot of effort into this recovery, it was still a hard day. A lot of information to process. A lot of stories to hear from other families. A lot of your own personal feelings to process. 

I feel hopeful for Austin's recovery at this point but was also reminded about how fragile it is and how easily it could still slip away. I feel grateful that Austin's addiction wasn't to anything harder or his journey more difficult, but still must remember that he is just as sick. I feel unsettled at the thought of how to put our lives back together with Austin sober. I feel hopeless when wondering how to start the process of trusting Austin again. 

The family program was two days but I could only stay on Monday. After 12 hours at Keystone, I made it home shortly before midnight. Tuesday morning I was at the justice center, in front of a judge, explaining why my marriage was not repairable. 

Ironically, after spending the day with Austin at Keystone and seeing him take responsibility for his addiction and sobriety, I started to feel hopeful about our future together. Maybe this could work. I no longer felt that we were at our lowest point. So while I had that hope in my heart, I still logically knew the divorce needed to happen. The biggest reasons being Jacob and financial security. 

The judge said he's sign off on the papers later that day. We were officially divorced. 

On Wednesday morning, I got a message from my dad around 9:00am, my Grandpa R. had passed away. He had been on hospice care since February so while the death was not a big surprise, it was a loss all the same. Luckily, I had been up to see him just a week before but was really hoping to make it up there once more before he passed. But Grandpa was ready to go. And the one thought that keeps running though my head is how happy he must be to be with Grandma again. 

On top of all that, it was of course Holy Week which meant that with a Mom as a pastor and as a member of the church choir, it was a busy second half of the week. Austin also completed treatment at Keystone and moved back to Mankato to the House of Hope, a halfway house where he'll live and continue outpatient treatment. 

Every day feels like I'm just going through the motions. Doing what I need to do to get by, but not much more. With still so much going on at work and taking care of Jacob, I feel like I can't afford to "waste time" mourning the loss of my marriage, wondering about the future with Austin or even properly grieving for my Grandpa. Everything happened so quickly together that I haven't had time or I haven't let myself process all those feelings I know are inside somewhere. Honestly, I'm not even sure how to process these feelings. 

Last Wednesday, as I drove to church for choir practice, it was raining and the song "Stand in the Rain" by SuperChick came across my playlist. You know when you find that song that perfectly describes your current life or a current moment in life, this was that for me. I listened to it on repeat the whole way to church and I think the whole way home. 

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

The end of winter

One thing I hope to do better at this year is keeping up with my blogging. Even if it's just monthly recaps about our daily lives. I really enjoy being able to go back and have these to help remember what's going on. 

February has come and gone and so has March pretty much. :) 

Jacob really enjoyed his big boy swimming lessons (no parents in the pool). Surprisingly, he did much better listening to the teachers than he did when we were in the pool with him. :) Ha! You can really see how he's getting more and more comfortable in the water. He's picking up on the kicking and scooping and with the help of his frog floatie, he can really move himself around the pool. He even went down the big slide at the Rec Center a couple of times! Although, one time he might have gone more under water than he was used to and that spooked him a bit! But he graduating level 3 swimming and can move on to level 4! 

Jacob also enjoyed his ECFE classes. Generally, he zones in on one particular toy (a truck or tractor) and won't do much exploring with all the other activities they have. But he started to expand on that this session. He really enjoyed the sensory bin, playing with play-doh and even some imaginative play in the kitchen! He really was quite adorable, telling us the pan was too hot and not to touch! :) He also did incredibly well when it came to circle time and singing along with the songs. Hearing him sing the "Hello" song - adorable. 

Overall, Jacob has really started to do more singing which of course just warms our hearts! It's so fun to listen to him singing songs he makes up and songs that we've been singing to him. He is still a huge fan of Big Block Singsong but he also is really into Veggie Tales songs as well. And of course, many of the favorite nursery rhymes! He's still very much into dinosaurs and DinoTrux! And he has had a renewed love of reading! He is really enjoying the Pigeon books right now and we read them so much, he can pretty much read all of them back to us! It's pretty adorable when he just randomly starts quoting a book! We're really looking forward to the warmer weather to get back outside more often! 

Jacob also got to spend a weekend in Iowa at the "Zuba farm" with his grandparents and cousin Evie. He was seriously counting down the days until he could go and once we picked him up, he talked for days about how much fun he had! :) And of course, he's already asking when he can go back! 

I also have to take a moment to talk about this sweet kid Jacob. Even though he's only three and a half, the kid has a huge heart. He is the sweetest, most kind boy. And it melts my heart. Randomly he will come up to me and say "hug?" and then give me a great big hug and say "I love you so much". I don't know if he can sense when I need those hugs or just really is the sweetest boy, but it stops me in my tracks every time and I am reminded about how blessed I am to be this little boy's mother. Before swimming the other day, we were waiting for class to start and he just random says "I love you mommy. And I love my daddy!" Or when he slept all night in his own bed the other night and was telling him how proud I was of him the next morning and I said, "Give me a high five!" Jacob looked at me, thinking and said, "Or I give you a hug!" :) This weekend, he told Nana he needed to come give me a hug so that I feel better. And one day at daycare, he started crying for no reason and when Amber finally got an answer out of Jacob he said, "I miss my mommy". He still runs to me even if we've only been a part a little while, arms open and when I pick him up, he buries himself into a big hug. His little heart is so full of love. And I am so full of love for him. 

For me, February was a little crazy. We had our fifth annual Pedal Past Poverty event at work on the 25th. And while this day and the prep before hand are crazy enough of themselves, we also had to deal with a "incoming blizzard" that make things even more hectic. We managed to get everything to the Y on Thursday night before the snow and got everything set up by Friday afternoon. By Saturday, the weather was cold - but otherwise perfect for the event. We had a successful event and raised just over $92K! I am constantly amazed by this community and how caring and giving they are. 

I also did some more singing at church, singing with the praise band and agreeing to sing as one of the song leaders for the Holden Evening prayer for Lent. I even agreed to sing a solo at church the morning after Pedal Past Poverty. Probably not my best decision, but it went well. :) 

Jacob and I have successfully switched bedrooms and all the moving and organizing is pretty much done. Just a couple more pieces of furniture to remove. I also got a new mattress!! And I have to say, it is a huge improvement from the waterbed! :) It's pretty much my new favorite place! haha! 

Austin and I both signed our copies of the divorce papers as well. This was a hard day and made everything much more real. I am definitely mourning the lost of my marriage and I'm not sure how to handle that. 

We also visited my Grandpa R. who's been in need of some extra care. But he was in good spirits when we visited him! We've also been stopping in to see Great Grandma & Grandpa J. before school and after swimming. Jacob loves those visits because he almost always leaves with chocolate! :) 

March has been pretty low-key. We went out and celebrated Austin's birthday early with a dinner at Applebee's and a family fun night at the Wow Zone! Jacob was so cute, telling the waiter right away "it's my daddy's birthday" :) He also enjoyed sharing the cake and ice cream! At the Wow Zone, daddy and Jacob spent a good amount of time playing the Jurassic Park video game. And it was very fun to watch. Then we did a round of family bowling - Jacob's first time - and of course, Jacob won. :) 

I got to spend a day up at the Capital for Homeless Day on the Hill - raising awareness and advocating support to end homelessness in Mankato. It was my first time doing anything like that and while I didn't get to meet with as many representatives as I would have liked, it was still a really great day. I look forward to going back again next year. 

This past Thursday, we dropped Austin off at a treatment center in South Dakota. I won't write more about that here, I'm working on a separate blog post for that. 

I guess that about does it for us right now. Hopefully I'll be back again in another month. :) 

Goodbye 2015

I thought it was time for a quick family update before we end this year and start fresh again in 2016! I look the idea of a fresh start in a new year... what I don't love is that I rarely have what it takes to actually have that fresh start. Oh well... another story for another time.

Life in Minnesota is moving along quickly! I am still loving my job and all the crazy that comes with it! I've had a couple of very busy weeks with National Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Week, Kiwanis Holiday Lights and our Adopt a Family program for Christmas. I can't even say things are going to slow down because now we're gearing up for biggest signature event, Pedal Past Poverty. Maybe after March I'll have a little break! ;-) But I can't complain... I'll be leaving on a plane with my sister in less than a week to spend a week in Hawaii! Woot! 

Anyway, back to the job. The only downside is wishing I got paid a little bit more. But honestly, I love what I'm doing. I love making a different and helping others. And that really means so much more. In other news, I hate insurance. Being a small nonprofit, we don't have employee health insurance so I've been forced to work through the state for my Obamacare. Let me just say that I am all for universal health care. Let me also just say that we are not going about it correctly. It sucks. But you don't really want to hear about that. 

Austin is doing great as well. He's in between jobs right now, hopefully working on finalizing something more permanent and full time here shortly. He's been going to treatment and meetings and has just really shown what an amazing person he is. I'm so proud of him and all the hard work he continues to do. There is not a day that goes by where I'm not thankful that we're still climbing this sand dune. 

And the joy of our world - Jacob. Every single day, sometimes every single hour, we are simply amazed by our little man! He is growing up so quickly into a handsome little boy! First and foremost, he is a healthy kid. And we thank God for that every day. We can see the imaginative play starting to come out which is so fun to see what his little mind comes up with! His speech is getting better every day as well! We've been working on full sentences with him when he asks for something instead of just saying please. So when he asks, we tell him to say: "May I have _____ please?", repeating each word after us. Then we say the full sentence and ask him to repeat it. Well he gets so excited about getting what he wants, he blurts out a mixture of words and garble but always getting it what he wants and the word please! It's honestly one of the cutest things. Well lately, he's actually been saying the full sentence slowly in order! And then of course, how can we not give him chocolate at 7:30am? :) 

He likes to say goodbye to every one and every thing... "Goodbye Mickey. Goodbye House. Goodbye Grandma. Goodbye Michael (his monkey)." And then he always says "See you at home!" It's really too cute. As well as talking all the time (wonder who he gets it from...), he is really starting to sing along to his favorite songs: the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse theme song, the Hot Dog Song (again Mickey Mouse), Row Row Your Boat, Jingle Bells, just to name a few. He also loves to dance! We have little dance parties all the time! He especially enjoyed dancing to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra and Mannheim Steamroller Christmas music! He even enjoyed some Karaoke at Christmas with the Zaruba side of the family! He was dancing and singing up a storm! 

We are not closer to potty training... sometimes I think we could be because Jacob doesn't like getting his diaper changed but I think it's mostly because he doesn't want to sit still that long. But we try to get him to sit on his potty but he's just not interested. And I've heard not to push it so that we don't turn him away from it even more. So we're waiting. 

He's such a polite boy, always saying please and thank you. He makes sure we pray before every meal and often offers to "sweep up" after putting his highchair away after meals. In fact, he even got his own broom for Christmas! :) He still LOVES Mickey Mouse, Frozen and bathtime. He also likes Cookie Monster and the Magic School Bus! We don't read quite as many books with him as we use to but hopefully that's something we can start doing again. He still loves books. He also loves to move! So much that we got him a trampoline for Christmas! It's a fairly good size one that is currently in my parent's basement. Jacob loves it! And I love that he has a place to get some energy out that is not the couch! 

He's also a huge fan of Christmas Lights. We've been to the Kiwanis Holiday Lights show multiple times with him and each time he is never ready to leave! He could look at those lights all day (or night!). He continues to work on the ABC's and counting. He can easily count until 10 and sometimes even to 20 (with some help)! He likes to sing the ABC's and while he may miss some letters while singing, if you point out a letter and ask him what it is, he'll be able to tell you. He also does amazing with shapes and colors! He's a pretty smart kid! 

And finally, he's not a shy kid. He might take a little bit of time to warm up to people, but then he's good to go. He'll talk and tell stories. And he loves to play with other kids... and by that I mean, run after them and get all excited! His older cousin Evie has learned that she can tell Jacob what to do have him follow her around, which is also pretty cute! And if he's warmed up to you enough, he'll always give you a hug goodbye! And of course, a "see you at home"! 

I think that's about it for us. We're looking forward to the new year and continuing to work on those things that we've recently started to take time to address - our relationship, communication, our own personal shortcomings, appreciating more time with Jacob. Life is short and we're remembering how to enjoy every bit of it. Let's see what 2016 will have it store! (Hopefully nothing too exciting??) :)