Entering Motherhood

*The first part of this blog was written on May 14th, 2013 but never published. The second part was just written after looking back and reflecting on this post.

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So for those of you  that know me, I've never been a really strong person. I'm not talking about being able to lift weights - although I can't do that either! I'm talking about  not being able to stomach certain things very well... needles, blood, pain, etc. I mean really. Ask my parents about the fun they had trying to pull my teeth when I was a child. Or ask Austin about the bloody incident right after he got his wisdom teeth out! I just don't do well in these types of situations. I get queasy and faint. It's how it's always been.

So, when Austin and I first started talking about babies, we wanted to make sure we were both ready. I obviously realized that if I wanted a baby that would mean I would have to go through the labor and birth. And while this scared the crap out of me, I honestly didn't put much thought into it. When I knew I was ready to have a baby, I just hoped and prayed that when the time came for the actual birth part, some mother's instinct would kick it and get me through it! And this was my thought process all throughout us trying and probably the first 6 months of this pregnancy even! I didn't want to hear your stories about how the process went for you. I didn't want to watch any videos or read too much about the process. I was going to be blissfully ignorant and pray for those mommy skills to take over. I'm serious when I say I really tried not to think about the actual birthing process much throughout this pregnancy. I would think about everything going on with my pregnancy and I would think about everything that will happen once this baby comes. I would just skip the part when the baby makes his/her appearance! 

When I did let myself think about it, I would tell Austin that it was one of my biggest fears with this pregnancy. Not necessarily what would be happening, but if I was strong enough or not to actually do what needs to be done. What if I couldn't? What if I couldn't stomach through the pain? What if those mothering instincts didn't kick in? This was my fear.

Now we're getting close. We're a little over a month away from welcoming this baby into the world. Soon I'm going to have to find out if I'm strong enough. But as we get closer, I'm starting to feel more calm about what's going to happen. The birthing classes helped. It helped knowing exactly what happens in each stage and what I'll be going through. And as much as I didn't want to, I did watch a video of a baby  being born. :) And it wasn't too bad. Although I still don't think I want to watch while I'm going through it. And I do think that some of those mother instincts have kicked in. I feel more comfortable with what needs to be done. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still nervous! But I know I can do it. I know people will say "You'll be fine, don't worry, your body is made for this, etc." And I understand all that, I do. But I don't think hearing it is really going to help. This is just one of those things that you're not really going to know until you've gone through it. And soon, I'll be able to say that I've gone through this miraculous experience. 

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Well I survived the birth and labor process. Although it didn't happen the way I wanted it to, we still ended up with a healthy beautiful baby boy. And that's all that matters. I learned that I was strong enough. I could handle the pain of contractions. I could handle being uncomfortable. I could handle pushing. I could handle a major surgery. I could handle the recovery. And I did handle it all. And it was all surprisingly easy. Well, the process might not have been easy, but being able to handle it, being strong enough, was easy. It came naturally. And just like that, I became a mom.

Being a mom is everything that I expected it to be and nothing at all like I expected it to be. 

Everything is different when it's your own baby. I was okay with babies before, never quite sure how to act because I didn't want to hold the baby wrong or feed him/her wrong with mom sitting close by, watching me. (not saying this did happen, but that's just how I would feel) I wasn't excited to change dirty diapers - gross. I actually didn't want to do with that at all. Or deal with throw up. Or boogers. Or blood, especially blood. But it changes when it's your own flesh and blood. Dirty diapers don't bother me. Being covered in throw up doesn't bother me. I actually have a sick obsession with getting boogers out of my son's nose. And the blood? Well, luckily I haven't had to deal with that yet but that might be one I'm still not okay with. :) 

Before my son was born, I was nervous. I was nervous about making that transition into motherhood. How was I going to raise a baby? How will I know what to do? Will I be doing everything correctly? Or am I going to royally screw this kid up? 

Once my son arrived, I was almost surprised at how easily things came to me. I'm not saying here that being a mom and taking care of a baby is easy, because it's not. But with certain things, I just knew what to do. And maybe easy isn't the right word. Things came naturally. I felt completely comfortable holding my baby. I felt comfortable changing his diaper. I felt comfortable feeding him. Patience came quickly and easily when listening to his cries and learning what he needed from me. There were certainly things I needed help with or wanted assistance before venturing out on my own. And I still have questions where I consult my book, my parents or fellow parents. But I felt like a mom. 

And I love being a mom. I love being responsible for another life. I love that he is so dependent on me right now. I love learning about him. I love being able to comfort him when he's crying. I love cuddling with him. I love feeding him. I love bathing him. I love playing with him. I love singing to him. Talking to him. Teaching him. I love his smiles. I love watching him grow and change before my very eyes every day. I love knowing he is a part of me. And part of my husband. Part of us. 

But being a mom is hard. There are days when I can't stand his crying. When I do have no patience for it. There are days when I feel like all I do is feed, change a diaper, rock the baby until he sleeps for a very short nap and then do it all over again, getting nothing else accomplished for the day. There are days when I don't want to leave the house because it's just too much work with a newborn. And there are days when all I want to do is leave the house and have some adult time without a baby around. There are days when after finally getting him to fall asleep, I start to close my eyes and he wakes up. There are days when I feel so exhausted all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry. 

But then he smiles at me. And my heart literally melts. Every damn time. And I forget everything else. 

But I still worry sometimes. I remember that first day home from the hospital. I broke down and cried because I was scared and nervous. How were we going to take care of this baby? Are we going to do everything right? And while some of that has disappeared, I still feel that way some days. I worry about his sleeping habits. Have we created bad habits and how do we change them now? I worry about his little head and how he has a little bit of flat spot on one side. Will we be able to fix it without having to spend a ton of money on some fancy helmet? I worry when he cries sometimes. Is he in pain and just can't tell me? I always worry when he gags or sounds like he's catching his breath. Why haven't I learned baby CPR yet? I worry that we're not stimulating him enough, or that we're over-stimulating him. I worry we're not doing enough tummy time. I worry we're not reading to him enough, or singing to him or even talking to him enough. I worry. About a lot of things. But we can only keep going like we are, learning as we go. And praying that it will all work out in the end! :) 

But I can not get enough of my little man. I love spending every day with him. Sometimes it's hard for me to share him, even though I know I need to! I also know that I would do anything for this baby boy. I will do anything to make him happy. I will do anything to protect him and keep him safe. I will do anything he needs from me. Especially when I want to keep him away from pain. Because it pains me to my core when he is in pain. Two month shots - horrible. Baby feeling sick and not himself - horrible. These times when he's in pain and crying, I'm in pain and crying. I want to help him so bad! Although I know there are times when I won't be able to. I know there are times when he'll have to have pain in order to learn, to grow. But I know I'm not going to like it. I wish I could always take away his pain. Because I love him so much. So much it hurts sometimes! I love him so much I just want to squeeze him and hold him. I love him so much that sometimes I'll just cry when I look at him. I love him so much that I'll physically miss him when he not in my arms, even if he's just napping on the other couch or in his crib. I love him so much.

You don't realize how much you can actually love another person until you have a child. It is an immeasurable amount of love. It is a parent's love. A mother's love. 

Identity Crisis

I'm not sure 27 is old enough to have a mid-life crisis, so maybe I'm just having an identity crisis. I've had a lot of time to think lately, during feedings and nap times, while applying for jobs. And I'm struggling to figure out my place in this world. 

I've written about this before, it's not the first time I've had this struggle. I'm not sure what my passion in life is. With a degree in Communications, it allows me to do a wide variety of things when it comes to finding a job. And that's part of the reason why I majored in Communications. In fact, my fellow comm arts majors and I would joke that the only reason why we're majoring in communications is because we don't know what we want to do in life. But I guess there's some truth in that too. 

I don't know what I want to do in life. 

I haven't found my calling, my vocation - the thing that Wartburg was suppose to help you find. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Even when I get asked that question - if you could do anything in the world, your dream job, what would it be? - I don't know what to answer. 

I envy those who know what their calling and their passion in life is. My husband, for one. He's a talented, amazing, passionate music teacher. He knows that this is what he should be doing. He's great at his job, he has the passion, the energy, the drive. There's no doubt in his mind that this isn't what he should be doing with his life. Not that he doesn't have his bad days, or even weeks. Everyone does. My sister is another. She just started her first calling as a Pastor in Northern Minnesota. She knows that God has called her to that role. And for that type of job, you have to know that is was a calling from God. And when you see her in her element, you can see she's doing what she should be doing. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed my past jobs. At Kruger, I loved the variety and multiple aspects and projects of the job. I even loved working with farmers. :) But there was not really any room to move up at that job, unless I was willing to relocate to St. Louis and that was something I didn't want to do. And looking at the company now, the marketing department is no longer there. I would have either had to move to St. Louis or lost my job. And I have to say that looking back and remembering the struggle it was to leave that job and move to Western Iowa so Austin could start his first job, God's plan is amazing. 
At UNO, I loved the people I worked with. And I really enjoyed going out and talking to students about UNO and education, helping them make important decisions about their future. And now looking at that, it's a little ironic my job was to help others start working towards their plans for future careers when I didn't know what my future holds! But that job required a lot of travel and that wasn't something I wanted to do forever either. And moving up in higher education is hard without a Masters degree and even then, opportunities are someone limited unless you're willing to move to find them. 

So would I like to continue to work in higher education? Yes, possibly. But I'm not in a place where I want to go back to school right now. And in that case, I don't know what I would get a Masters degree in either. Would I like to find work in marketing or communications? Sure, but I haven't found that actual job or industry that I feel really passionate about. 

The other thing I struggle with is achievements. When I look around to my peers, people that I've graduated with or have even graduated after me, some of them are in great jobs that they're really passionate about. And some of them are in really great positions, i.e. managers, directors, etc. I look at myself and doubt my skills - would I be able to be in a position like that? I feel like I haven't had opportunities to prove (mostly to myself) if I could or not. Or maybe I haven't tried hard enough. Or maybe I'm really just not good enough. But I feel jealous of those people. Not only because they're doing something they love, but because they've been successful when I haven't. It makes me feel like a failure. 

Someone recently posted an article on Facebook titled "Five Lies every Twenty-something Needs to Stop Believing". And I'm not going to lie, I think it was posted for me. I needed to read it. I need to re-read it. Again and again. It made a lot of good points about struggling, success and feeling like a failure. And so it was a great reminder. I'm only 27. I have a lot of life ahead of me still. I can still do great things. But then I'm back to... what is it that I'm suppose to be doing in life to do those great things?

I've recently become a mother. And for the past 10 weeks, I've spent every day, and almost every hour, with my precious baby. And for the past 10 weeks, I have loved every day. There were certainly times when I was stressed out and overwhelmed with taking care of a baby, but I still loved it. I love being a mom. I love having someone little, who is so dependent on me, to take care of. I love watching him grow and change every day. I love interacting with him. I love teaching him. I love loving him. 

I think that I would love to be a stay at home mom. I would love to stay at home everyday with my baby boy. Being able to spend that precious time with him day in and day out. Help him grow. Teach him how to walk, how to talk. To see every moment happen. That's what I think I would love. But unfortunately, it's just not realistic. We need two incomes. If only I could get paid to be a mom. Let's be real, I'd be a millionaire because I'm such an awesome mom. ;-) 

So I've had a couple interviews. Some with jobs I think I would really enjoying doing and others for jobs that I could most certainly do, but might not fully enjoy. I haven't gotten any job offers yet though and every time I get a phone call or email saying "no thanks" or "we've gone a different direction", I get that feeling of failure again. And I know God has a plan, I do. If I had gotten any of the jobs I had earlier interviews for, I would already be back to work. Instead I've gotten to spend more time with my little man. And so I'm confident that something is going to come along. And I'm confident that it will be what I'm suppose to be doing right now. But will it be my calling? My passion? I'm not entirely sure. Maybe time will tell. 

But I'm definitely learning how to be patient. Job searching tests my patience every day. Putting in applications and then waiting. Getting an interview and then waiting. Always waiting. And I'm not a very patient person. So each day I remind myself - patience, Liz, patience. God has a plan. God will provide. It can get very overwhelming, especially as my maternity leave is coming to an end. So again, I say to myself - it will all work out. God knows what He's doing. Even when he doesn't tell me! :) 

And so here I am. Waiting to find a job. Waiting for my calling. Waiting to find my place in this world. Waiting. 

But while I wait, I'll go spend some more time with that cute baby of mine.

Mother's Day

This blog is dedicated to our mothers. AJ and I each took the time to write up a little something about each of our moms. We want them to know just how much they mean to us - even though words can hardly describe it. We love you!

Trish Reedstrom, Mother of Liz for 25 and half years... 

Mom. I'm not even sure where to start. You've made me the person I am today. I am the way I am, because of you. You've taught me everything I know. Even when you didn't think you were teaching me lessons about life or love, you were. Because I was always watching, always listening. Always wondering if I would ever grow up to be half the amazing person you are. Your faith in God is the number one thing I love most about you. Because that faith shapes every other part of who you are. Your faith, to me, is so unwavering, so strong, so sure. Your faith makes you a loving individual who cares for everyone. It makes you passionate about what you believe in. It makes you want to be involved in a number of things so that you can share your faith and your love.
You are an incredibly talented person - whether it's quilting, cross-stitching, cooking, gardening, playing the piano or singing, scrap-booking or studying to go back to school. You've taught me that no matter what - if you want to do something, you can do it. You were always there to help me up when I fall, to hold me when I needed a hug, to tell me it was going to be okay when I wasn't sure. You were always there celebrating along with me whether it was high school or college graduation, my first real job or getting married. And although I joke about you always crying at these events, it's just proof of how much your love shines through for us kids. You are the person I look to for everything. You are the person I've never wanted to disappoint. You are the person I want to be proud of who I've become and know that I've become who I am because of you. You are the person I strive to be like - in all ways of life. You are the type of mom I pray I can be to my kids someday. 
You always give me the help I need - even when I'm too proud to ask for it and at the same time you're never overbearing. You always give the best advice and somehow always know the right answer. You've always been the best mom a girl can ask for. You were always there for all the friend drama, all the boyfriend drama, all the homework problems, all the big life decisions. You were always there for when it mattered most.
There are so many memories I'll never forget... the late nights at the dinner tables, trying to learn my spelling words, our sing-along's around the piano, going for bike rides on the Red Jacket Trail, taking meals out to Dad and Mark during harvest, traveling to Guatemala for the youth trip, making you clean my earrings after I pierced my ears because I was too scared, the bedtime stories, letting us play dress up in your old clothes, the singing of "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as you're living, my best friend you'll be.", the summer vacations and always making sure we learned something along the way, holding me as I cried over love lost, crying when I found my wedding dress, and pulling me aside at my wedding to give me some additional wisdom. And so much more.
Every day I've been blessed with an amazing mom. And every day I thank God for that. Every day I thank God for you. I will love you until the sky ends. And I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as you're living, my best friend you'll be. I love you Mom. Happy Mother's Day.

Lora Zaruba, Mother of Austin for 24 years...

There are days when my head is swimming with too many details: the school schedules, the bills, the laundry, and the phone calls to return and don’t even get me started on the amount of emails that have stacked up.  Perhaps Mom, you feel the same way.  Your list may be a little different, but your brain is swirling with stuff just the same. I wish I could give you a hug and let you know that everything is going to be fine but then I remember that I learned to deal with these things from you! You’re the master! I can hear your voice in my head and it says, “Simply make a list of what needs to get done and then do it.” Or “Take it one day at a time!” and even my favorite and most often used- “Just breathe.” It really is a pretty amazing mental phenomenon, the sound of your Mother’s voice; it is quite possibly the most unexplainable comfort. Whenever I feel down, I start to think about the influence you have had on me- I remember the hugs, the tears, the laughs and the conversations that make me who I am today.

Mom, let me be honest. When I talk to Jesus, I think about the times we used to pray. Prayers at night before bed or prayers at church/Sunday school, and when I was young I didn’t quite understand. I am grown now, I talk to Jesus from time to time and I admit- you have come up.

I tell Him how much I love you.

I told Him how I wanted him to give you strength through Grandpa’s passing

I ask Him for forgiveness for all the mean and unfair things I did to you when I was young.

I admit to him that I miss being young sometimes because of how close we were

Most importantly…

I thank him- for you.

 

Thank you Mom for being there my whole life
Thank you Mom for being there when I was feeling down
Thank you Mom for giving me a peace of mind
Thank you Mom for buying me things even if I didn’t need them
Thank you Mom for walking the miles and guiding me through the path to success
Thank you Mom for your laughter at the stupid stuff I did
Thank you Mom for being all that you could be and even more
Thank you Mom for your gratitude and understanding
Thank you Mom for believing in me
Thank you Mom for being you

But most of all?

Thank you Mom for showing me how to love unconditionally

Happy Mother’s Day!