"I think sometimes you might just need an annual reminder..."
Well, I called that one.
It's strange to think back to when I first posted this quote, back in 2017. Before AJ died. Divorce must have been a part of the conversation at that point. But I wonder what was my mindset at the time? What was I needing to let go of and move on?
In 2018, it makes more sense why I shared the quote. AJ had died. Everything had changed.
But reading that quote again today, on what could have been 12 years of marriage, and after I've been putting in the hard work of really figuring out how to let go and move on, it hits differently.
I know that I've come leaps and bounds and I am incredibly proud of all the work I have done so far. But this moving on part? It is so incredibly painful. To truly let it all go and move on, move forward... that's hard. And scary. Especially when you don't know what moving on looks like. Or not knowing even what you might want it to look like.
Maybe that's why I'm struggling. In college, I knew I wanted to graduate, I wanted to get married and start a family. It was a future that made sense and one I could pretty much imagine what it would look like (or so I thought). But then, it was gone. That future that I had imagined. It crashed and burned. And now I see nothing. Before I had the road mapped out essentially, knowing and understanding there would probably be detours. But now its like a whole separate trip and I have no map and no clear visibility on my drive.
How do you move on when you don't know what to move on to?
I've let go of a lot over the past year. As difficult as it was. And I can notice the difference in my life. I feel lighter. I feel happier. I feel this new Liz emerging. It's like I've let go of all the balloons that had tethered me to the past and my old dreams. But now I have no idea where to go to get new balloons.
What do you hope and dream of when all you once hoped and dreamed of have disappeared? How do you create new hopes? New dreams?
I have all these things for Jacob. I have dreams and hopes for him and his future. I have a general route mapped out (and expecting detours) for him at least until he's 18. It's in those hopes and dreams for Jacob that I put my energy into, my focus. It seems easier.
So how do I get back to me?
I shared this image above on my 36th birthday, just days ago. See, it was on my 30th birthday that everything I had originally hoped and dreamed for started to fall apart. And on my 36th birthday, I finally admitted to some of the things I was still holding on to. That last balloon string.
So where do I go from here? How do I take that next step forward when it feels like taking a step forward in complete darkness, not knowing what lies ahead? Do I search for the courage to just blindly step forward? Or do I stay still a little bit longer, searching for some sort of new map?
