Healing Level: Expert Mode Unlocked

 I figured I'm past due for an update, so here you go! 

I've officially been home now for over a week. Recovering at home is definitely more comfortable than it was in Rochester, but it has been hard with not having all of us together. 

Meg and Dan have spent their time between Mankato and Rochester, helping with Jacob here and Mom and Dad in Rochester. Brandon has been around helping me when I need it and with Jacob as well. We've become a well-oiled machine. 

Things with Dad are going well. I don't want to speak too much for him or my mom, but most days are filled with waiting. Waiting for the next appointment, for the test results, for the doctor's instructions... and while there continues to be some ups and downs, overall, things are still trending in the right direction. 

My own recovery is going really well. The pain has been very manageable and sleeping is getting much easier! I definitely spent a good amount of time napping last week. Overall, I feel pretty good. The hardest part is remembering the lifting restriction and making sure I ask for help in things like bringing my laundry upstairs or asking for things to be brought to me, instead of just going and getting them myself. Both Brandon and Jacob are very good about reminding me about what I shouldn't be doing and taking care of things for me. 

I have absolutely decided to embrace this time off from everything. Obviously my body is still healing and the time off is necessary. But it's been a nice break from the chaos of life, being able to let go of some stress, the need to get everything done as quickly as possible. Its been like getting a taste of retired life. 😅 And I have to agree with my Dad - it's pretty great. 

So things are going well. I continue to be grateful for all of the thoughts and prayers from all of you. I'm grateful that recovery has been going so smooth. I'm grateful my Dad's recovery has also been good. I pray that these things continue. 

And now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go take a nap. 

Black Friday: Half Off 1 Liver

I want to stay transparent throughout this whole process. So let's be real: Black Friday was a little bleak for me. 

I wasn't up early hitting the stores, but I was up early getting poked in the arm. I had my follow up appointments yesterday. On Wednesday, I was in for an ultrasound, yesterday was some lab work and visits with the surgeon, doctor and nurse. It was definitely the busiest day I've had since leaving the hospital. A lot of walking. Two appointments in the morning, back home and then two more in the afternoon. 

With everything going on, I did not take an oxy in the afternoon. I've been managing the pain with Tylenol every 6 hours, and 1 oxy in the afternoon. Yesterday, after realizing I didn't take that extra pill, I decided to go without. I was also told by the nurse I could increase my Tylenol dose a little too, so I told myself that would be enough. 

That night though? I was exhausted, hadn't napped much and was in quite a bit of discomfort. Trying to fall asleep last night, I admitted to myself that skipping that pill on a day I had been more active was a mistake. I thought I could push though and manage, but it wasn't fun. 

So while I laid awake, trying to find a comfortable position and fall asleep, did I admit defeat and go take that extra pill? No. I'm too damn stubborn apparently. 

But I did fall asleep eventually. And today I made sure to stay in top of meds. My siblings and I even managed an early showing of Wicked: For Good.

So Saturday was a much better day. Tomorrow the plan is to head back to Mankato and get settled in at home. 

While I'm really looking forward to being at home, its also going to be hard leaving Mom and Dad behind. They have to stay in Rochester longer and will be moving into some new temporary housing. Meg and Dan will be going back and forth between Mankato helping me and Jacob and Rochester to help Mom and Dad.

To continue with transparency, I'm having a really hard time not being able to physically help with things. That lifting restriction is really tough. I want to just pop up from the couch and help! But I can't! The surgeon yesterday kept telling me "you've already helped, you did your part", but still! There's still so much to do now! So instead, I'm taking my spectacular oldest child skills and bossing Meg and Dan around, telling them what to do. I've always excelled in this area, so I might a well stick with what I know! 😅

I am also very fortunate that Brandon will be available once I'm back home to help. And of course, I've gotten so many offers from people to help get Jacob around too! (Thank you!) So my plan is to send both Meg and Dan to Rochester as much as possible so Mom has that extra help, but also gets the breaks she needs. 

One last story for tonight. Yesterday, my Dad and I were both chilling on the couch. My mom asked my Dad "What do you need? What can I get you? Are you comfortable?" He said he was good and that was that. 

Where were my questions, concern for my comfort?! So obviously, I said the only acceptable phrase that can be used in this situation. 

"What am I, chopped liver?!" 

🤣🤣🤣 It's going to be fun playing this card for awhile! 

Our Recovery Era: Featuring Naps, Snacks, and Zero Sudden Movements

Let's talk recovery! This post is going to be about my recovery in this process so far. My dad has a very different journey than I do and while I have a real understanding of some of what he's going through, it's also a much bigger ballpark. Does that analogy work here? Oh well, it's going to stay. 

First and foremost, I need to give a huge shoutout to Brandon. Brandon stayed with me at the hospital every single night I was there. He was always ready to help adjust me on the bed, get me some fresh water, or yet another pillow for the bed. He spent each of those nights sleeping in a reclining chair next to my bed, while staff would come in at all hours to get vitals, lab work, checking my drain, etc. 

He has been a super trooper and I have been very very grateful to him for that. 

From what I can remember in the ICU, coming out of anesthesia wasn't the best experience. One symptom that I was dealing with was uncontrolled shaking of my entire legs at just random times. It was crazy. Luckily, it was done by the time I transferred to my new room. I also needed some extra oxygen that first night just because I was having a little bit of a hard time getting those deep breaths, especially while I was sleeping. Both completely normal. 

Moving to my new room, I think I had about three ports for IVs, a chip thingy in my wrist that watched my blood pressure during surgery, a catheter and a drain. I don't really remember much about that first day after surgery. I wasn't in too much pain. I mostly felt like I had zero mental capacity to do anything. 

When I was starting to think about what I needed to bring to the hospital, I was thinking I should bring things to keep me busy - my phone, a book, coloring books, etc. Luckily, I kept things simple. Those first couple of days, I didn't even want my phone. I know people were reaching out and so I want to apologize for not getting back to many people very quickly. But I was mostly out of it. 

Instead, I relied on comfort movies and TV shows. Ones I've already seen and didn't really need to pay attention too. Luckily, TBS was doing a marathon of Friends Thanksgiving episodes. That was perfect. 

On Saturday, I felt more alert, but also in more pain. Jacob came over from Mankato with his Nana to visit both Papa and I. It was really really good to see him and he did a great job. He doesn't like any sort of "medical talk" so I wasn't entirely sure if he would want to visit at the hospital, but I'm so glad he did. He even came bearing gifts. 

Before the surgery, I was told a couple of different times that the first two days after surgery generally go really well and then the 3rd day, you feel like you hit by a truck. (very subtle) So there was some discussions on what day three means - three days after your surgery? The third day after counting surgery as day 1? 

On Sunday, I was feeling much better. I was being told that I looked better, sounded better. So that was all really nice to hear. 

Many people kept coming in and out of the room, nurses, techs, doctors, surgeons, dietitians... many people. :) But every report was coming back good. The labs were looking good, vitals were good. I was told the incision site was looking really good, "nice & small" - I'm going to say that depends on who you're talking to! 

Once the catheter, was removed, it was time to start getting up and moving. This was a little nerve racking at first, but each time it got a little bit easier. On the transplant floor, they encourage patients to take laps around the two nurses stations. 44 laps = 1 mile. If you completed 1 mile, you got a Methodist Mile t-shirt. Well, we all know I'm all about that swag! 

Once they started talking about discharge, I made sure to tell people I wasn't leaving until I got my laps in so I can get my free shirt! Ladies & gentleman, you'll be glad to hear, I got my shirt. Even better, once my Dad was up and moving, he started working on his laps as well and I'm very proud to say that he also left the hospital with a Methodist Mile shirt. I was able to walk down the hall to see my dad a couple of times too. Every time he was looking better and better, which was so good to see. 

Okay, time for some hard honesty for a little bit. I hate all things blood, medical, etc. The idea of getting blood drawn - hate it. Hearing about other people's procedures - hate it. I get light-headed and faint if it goes on too much. 

Despite all of this, I still signed up for this surgery. I kind of figured it's one of those things that once you're dealing with it, you just have to deal with it. It was similar with my c-section with Jacob. I survived that, so I knew I could survive this. Even if I didn't particularly enjoy it. 

So this whole time, I've been doing great with all the things happening to me and my body. Even getting the drain out wasn't as bad as I was anticipating, although the doctor did tell me a story I really wish he would have kept to himself. 

So it comes time to get my first shower in. And of course, I'm having to cover up the port I have left, they're telling me how to care for the incision site when washing. As we were standing, waiting for the shower to heat up, I started to feel light-headed. It was getting to be just a bit too much to think about. So I pulled the plug and went to lay down. 

I am happy to say that this was the only time since the surgery that I felt light-headed over something. I am also happy to say, I did finally get a shower in. ;-) 

Monday was discharge day. There was a lot of information and a lot of collecting items from all over the room and you don't really remember where they all came from. But we managed and I made it back to the house we're staying at here in Rochester temporarily. 

It was great to be out of the hospital. I was really looking forward to feeling more comfortable at home and getting some more sleep. I am extremely disappointed to say that really hasn't happened. I've really been struggling to find comfortable positions to rest in. 

Honestly, you have no idea just how much you use your core muscles for until you no longer have the strength in those muscles. I still needed quite a bit of help getting adjusted. The one recliner wasn't electric and I didn't have the strength to put my feet down and chair up so I could get out of the chair myself. 

So sleeping was very similar to in the hospital - short stretches of time and not the constant napping I had been looking forward to. :)  Now that my dad is also home, I mentioned to my mom that I was surprised by the fact that he didn't seem to have as much trouble as me in getting comfortable enough to rest. But (as always) my mom made a good point. 

Before the surgery, my Dad had been sick. And he had been sick for a while. It was already hard for him to sleep and get comfortable. For me, I generally had no issues falling asleep and getting comfortable. But this surgery knocked me down and it's going to take some time to get back to that normal for me. And it's going to take some time for my Dad to get back to a place he was before he started getting sick. 

But every day, every night, every time I get up and move around, it gets easier. The pain starts to fade. And that's really encouraging. 

So I'm doing my best to take advantage of the situation I'm in. Trying to get those naps in, definitely enjoying the snacks and trying to make as little sudden movements as possible. Letting other people take care of me, bringing me the things I need and making sure I follow those lifting restrictions. 

Luckily, I've got a really good team of caretakers. 

Livered to Tell the Tale: Surgery Update

We're nearly a week-post surgery day, so I figured I was due for an update. 

Last Wednesday, both Dad and I had a few appointments to double-check that everything was still a go. And everything was! The whole week leading up to the surgery, there were a lot of nerves. A lot of waiting. But back at the clinic on Wednesday, there was a sense of comfort and calm. Everyone was so friendly, so good at making us feel good about what was going to happen. It really made a big difference. I was very grateful for that. 

I don't want to brag or anything, but while my Dad will be walking out of the hospital with a new liver, I got a fancy Mayo Transplant Center jacket! Don't be too jealous. :)

Wednesday evening, a good family friend came over with prayer shawls from her church and held a small prayer service with us. Then we celebrated our last night at Texas Roadhouse. Don't tell Jacob. The waitress asked if we were out celebrating anything and we all kind of just gave each other this look... haha I guess you could say we're celebrating the next phase of our journey! 

Thursday morning, I got my report time of 5:30am. Dad was scheduled to report at 6am. Early morning, and I'm not entirely sure how we all slept the night before. But we were ready to get it started and get it done. 

What they don't tell you about reporting for surgery is that I may have needed to get there at 5:30am, but I wasn't rolled to the operating room until closer to 8am. That's a lot more waiting... Of course there were some things to prepare for, but not that much. Luckily Dad and I were right down the hall from each other, so everyone got to pop in both rooms to see us off. I even got to stop by Dad's room as I headed out. 

Dr. Taner, the surgeon who operated on me, was the one that came and wheeled me into the OR. I was shocked by that, but also really appreciated it. It made me feel like my surgery does matter to him. He made a joke on the way to the OR and say, "I hope you're paying attention to all the twists and turns so you can get us back out of here."

Now, throughout this entire process, there have been many times when I've had thoughts along the lines on of "oh yeah... I saw on Grey's Anatomy..." If you're not familiar with the show, in the very first episode, Meredith, the main character, gets lost in the hospital trying to take her patient to a CT scan or something. It took all my willpower in that instance not to make a comment about Grey's Anatomy to my surgeon. HA! 

Once in the OR, everyone was again super friendly and nice. They all made me feel very comfortable. And that's about all I remember of that. 

I don't remember much about waking up either, but time just flew by. :) But in all seriousness, I'm sure it was a long day of waiting for everyone in the waiting room. From what I've been told, everything about the surgeries went well. 

One thing I was told (at some point) was that there was a bit of surprise when they opened me up. They were already aware I had some unique anatomy surrounding my liver. (you can read about that here) But when they went to remove part of my liver, they realized I had three vessels as well! So my liver needed a little bit of extra work on it to make sure it could get connected to my Dad. Nothing bad, just unexpected. So that did add a bit of time to my dad's surgery as well. 

That first night, both Dad and I spent in the ICU. This is a normal part of the process just to keep an extra eye on everything. Since my surgery was much less complicated, I was moved out of the ICU first and to a normal room on the transplant floor. But Dad was not far behind me. 

Leaving the ICU also meant that I got a new pillow for my pillow collection. A Mayo liver pillow! Seriously, the swag you get when you donate a liver?! Totally worth it. 😉 In my next post, I'll write more about those days in the hospital and what's recovery has looked like so far. 

Again, here is the link to the CaringBridge page.

Thank you all again for your continued prayers and support throughout this process. We are very grateful to be on this side of the journey. And of course, will continue to welcome all your prayers and well wishes. 

Thank you. 

It's Liver Week

It's finally here. November 20th is just two days away. Tonight, we head to Rochester. Tomorrow we have some tests and visits. Thursday is liver day. 

When we first scheduled the surgery, it seemed a long way away. Plenty of time to get things organized and ready. Sometimes I worried it was too far in the future and that something would happen between then and now that would cancel the surgery. It also allowed plenty of time to just want it to be here sooner so we can move on to the next stage in this journey.

But now it's arrived. We've prepared and organized as much as we can. Some things will just have to wait until we know how the surgeries go and how the recoveries are looking. I've managed to cross off all the big items on my to-do list at work, as well as other things I wanted to get done before now. I feel good about how I'm leaving things. 

But I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Every day, those nerves hit a little bit more. Brandon and I were talking about it yesterday and he was asking what I was nervous about. I told him I was nervous about having a big surgery. I was nervous about having Jacob stay back home with his Nana, even though I know it's the right decision. I'm nervous for how long of day Thursday is going to be for everyone waiting on news from the surgeries. 

Brandon looked at me and said, "you're nervous because you don't have control." And I thought yup. That was totally it. Ever since AJ died, I have this need to want to control as much as I can around me. If I can control what's happening around me, to Jacob, to those I love, than I can't be knocked off my feet by something unexpected, like when AJ died. I know it's completely irrational. I know that I have very little control over most of the things happening around me. But there is still a part of me that tries very hard to at least make myself believe that I do. 

In this situation? Everything is outside of my control. I mean yes, me deciding to do the surgery is within my control. But that's an area in "my control" for me to help my dad. 

I am not regretting my choice and I am still very committed to having this surgery. But I'm working extra hard on whole "let go and let God" thing here. 

Luckily, we have all of you. So many people who are thinking about us, praying for us, supporting us. It truly is amazing. 

And because we have so many people who are in this journey with us, my sister has been kind enough to set up a CaringBridge page. She will be updating this throughout our journey so that everyone who wants to can follow along. 

CaringBridge Page

Thank you again for all of your love, prayers and support. 

I plan on writing more after surgery and sharing about my experience in recovery. Until then, make sure you follow that CaringBridge page. 

10 days and counting

People have been asking me if I was feeling nervous for the surgery. And for awhile, I could honestly say that no, I wasn't really nervous for the surgery itself, at least, not yet. I was more nervous for the 19th, the day before surgery. Both my dad and I have to get some lab work done and I have this fear that something will have changed while we've been waiting and that surgery will have to be canceled. 

I still have that fear, but now with surgery so close, I am starting to feel nervous for the surgery as well. It's strange though, I was talking to my therapist about it and I think sometimes in my mind, I equate this upcoming surgery with my c-section surgery I had with Jacob. I had a lifting restriction then, I'll have a lifting restriction now. After the c-section, I felt great, it was a very smooth recovery and I was definitely lifting more than I should have been sooner than I should have been. So in my mind, a part of me thinks that it will be the same this time. And who knows, maybe it will. But it's also a much different surgery. A much different incision, in a different location. 

I'm worried about waking up only to be told that something went wrong, with either me or my dad and it wasn't successful. I'm nervous for my dad and his surgery and his recovery which will be much more intense than my own. I'm worried for my mom, my sister, my brother in their caretaker roles. I worry for Brandon who has also agreed to help take care of me and how he's going to survive the number of Holiday Baking Championship episodes I'm going to make him watch. 

We're 10 days away. This week is my last full week of work. I watched a video this morning from Mayo on how to help prepare myself to make my surgery and recovery go more smoothly. It's all feeling very suddenly real. 

Not that it never was not real, but you know what I mean. The closer something like this gets, the more it consumes your every thought. At night, laying in bed, my mind races with my to-do lists, trying to figure out what I still need to get done. I want to try and plan ahead for how things are going to work for after surgery, but a lot of that is going to depend on how both surgeries go and what our recoveries are looking like. 

One thing I do know is that we are incredibly blessed. As a family, we have received so many prayers, good thoughts, well wishes, "let me know how I can help" from the people in our lives. Family, friends, church family members. We are so blessed to have so many people in our lives who care and love us so much. And we hope you know just how grateful we are to each of you. 

We are also extremely grateful because (mostly thanks to my mom LOL), we have about 6 different church congregations praying for us. God's definitely got our back. :) 

So yes, while the anxiety and nerves are definitely here, there is also some peace in knowing that we will have people who love us around us the entire time. While there is some anxiety about not getting everything done on my to-do lists, I am working on coming to terms with the fact that it will be figured out without me. While there are nerves and anxiety about the recovery, I can only listen to the advice of the doctors and actually do whatever it is they're telling me. 

If you're looking for a way to help, please send us your prayers. Send us your good thoughts about being mindful of peace and calm, your well wishes for a smooth recovery. That is really what we need most right now. 

Thank you. 

The Decision

 What do you do when you have to make a life changing decision? What's the thought process you take? What are the things you consider? The risks, the outcomes, the benefits. You probably never think about this until you're in the situation where you have to think about this. Then it's pretty much all you can think about. 

Back when my dad was first put on the transplant list and was approved for a living donor, there was a small voice in the back of my head telling me: "it's going to me, I'm going to be the donor". Obviously I had no idea if this was even a possibility yet, but it didn't stop that small voice. 

Going through the entire process of filling out applications, getting testing, I was very intentional about staying in the moment I was in. I did not want to get ahead of myself and start thinking, planning, worrying about what could or could not happen if or if not I was a donor. I've put in enough work in therapy to know that wasn't going to do anyone any good. And luckily, for the most part, I was able to stay in the moment. Take things one step at a time. 

After my appointments in Rochester, when they were still waiting on one test, but I was told I was a good candidate, I finally let myself start to think "I could actually do this." When the official call came in that I was a match, I knew I had to take the time to really think about everything. Think about what it would mean to put myself through a major surgery as a single mom. What it would mean to recover from a major surgery, what it would look like to take a month off a work, to be prepared for possible complications during or after the surgery. What it would look like to be dependent on caretakers after the surgery and needing to rely on other people to help with Jacob. What it would mean for Jacob - how would he feel about me doing this? 

And while yes, that list is long and those are no small things to be taken lightly, at the end of the day, this would be for my dad. 

I have always thought that out of my siblings, I am most like my dad. My mom will often comment on how similar I am to my dad, even if she's sometimes doing it while grumbling about some silly thing like stubbornness or something... 😅 Dad and I have the same temperament, we tend to deal with things in similar ways. We both spent our younger years drinking more than we should have. LOL 

I have this memory from when I was 14 I think. I was working at Pioneer, detasseling corn for the summer. I couldn't drive yet so I had to be dropped off and picked up every day. One day, we got rained out. Dad had been working at the farm and since he got rained out as well, he came and got me. I remember we both had to take off our muddy boots and clothes in the laundry room before we could go any farther into the house. And I distinctly remember thinking "I am just like my dad." and how proud I was to be just like him in that moment. 

My dad is the type that gets along with everyone, always making friends. Whenever I had friends over growing up, he was always comfortable chatting with them and asking how things were. He was the cool dad. 😀 Dad likes to show his love by feeding people. Whenever we have guests, he will go all out on making the meal a good one. I can still remember the very first time my parents met AJ. Dad made us breakfast and he kept giving AJ more food and AJ, wanting to make a good impression, kept eating it! On and on it went. I have no idea how AJ was able to eat so much that day. 

Growing up, my parents have never said no when I've needed them. Dad wouldn't hesitate to drive hours to mine or Meg's place if we needed help with something around one of our apartments. He has always been there and always willing. Whether it was money to help with an unexpected bill or coming to help change a flat tire. When we were little, it was letting us watch The Simpsons on the nights Mom wasn't home for supper. haha 

After AJ died, both of my parents stepped in to help me raise Jacob. My dad has played a very active role in Jacob's life as a positive and consistent male role model. I am so extremely grateful for this because I know this has helped shaped Jacob into the incredible kid he is today.  

During the sermon today, my pastor said the following: "The world is made up of ordinary people doing ordinary things with great love." And I can't think of a better way of describing my dad. 

In the 40 years I've been alive, my dad has given me so much. Has done so much for me. And I can never repay him for that. And I know that he doesn't expect any repayment. That's just what parents do. I get that now, as a parent myself. But right now, I do have this opportunity to give my dad something he needs. After everything he's done for me, this is something I want to do for him. Because he's still got a lot of life left in him. Both Jacob and I aren't done learning from him yet.  

So going back to that little voice in my head, maybe this was always meant to be. It was always going to be me. We have joked that there's no worry about Dad starting to act like his donor because we're already so much alike. 😊

I am honored to be my dad's donor. I am grateful he has accepted this gift. And I am praying that we all stay healthy enough for the surgery to happen, that both surgeries go well, that both recoveries go smoothly and Dad can get back to full energy. 

We welcome your prayers as well. Thank you. 

40 & Fabulous

I have been weirdly excited to turn 40 years old. It isn't something I've been dreading or worrying about. I was recently reading old blog posts and came across this one from when I turned 35. Apparently entering my 30's was kind of a big deal. Although I came to terms with it when it finally arrived; at least according to this blog post! 

Now I have the ability to look back on the past 10 years to see how my 30's actually went. And if I'm going to be honest, the start of my 30's sucked. It was on my 30th birthday that I told AJ he couldn't return to the house. He had left that day after we fought about his addiction. That was the first step that eventually led to our divorce. For all my hopes of a new decade, day one was pretty shitty. 

Over the next 10 years, there was a lot. AJ and I got divorced, learned how to co-parent, we struggled to define what "we" were. AJ continued to struggle with his addiction and mental health and ultimately ended his life. I had to learn how to survive a devastating loss while also learning what it looked like to be a solo parent. I had family members that dealt with a number of different health issues and lost more people I loved. 

Of course, there was so much good and joy in those 10 years as well. I switched jobs, worked part-time jobs, and paid off some debts. I started dating. I made a commitment to therapy. I spent a lot of time working on me. I traveled whenever I could and made memories often - with old friends and new ones. I have watched Jacob grow up into this amazing kid who I feel so lucky I get to call my own. 

When I look back on the last decade, it was messy, chaotic, and devastating. It was full of tears and heartbreak. But it was also full of growth, change and love. It was a lot. After reflecting on this, one thing I decided was that I want my 40's to be different. I want to welcome my 40's with open arms and in a way I want. Maybe I can manifest how the next 10+ years will go by how I start the decade out. 

And so I decided I wanted to welcome my 40th birthday in peace. In quiet. And by myself. 

I have spent a lot of time over the last 10 years working on myself. Learning how to live through these things that have happened, learning to accept and love the person that I've become, learning what I need to do to take care of myself, learning what brings me joy. 

Just this last week in therapy, I was able to identify something important about myself. So much of my life has been defined by this strong impulse to help other people; to ease their burdens, to fix their problems. Especially the people that I love. I will gladly take on more myself if it will help make something easier for someone else. I will add more to my plate, I will take on the hurt and pain, I will put myself last every time if it means I can help someone else. 

In these situations, I can now see how much that was hurting me and even hurting some of those I love around me. I can see now that by always putting myself last, I hit a point where I could no longer help myself, much less help anyone else. 

So a big part of working on myself has been working to put myself first, to take care of myself, to do things that bring me joy. Just to be clear, this is still very much a work in progress. But I have been much better! I'm doing better at saying no, taking time for myself, doing the things that bring me joy. And if you remember from my first post of 2025, that is exactly what I wanted to focus on for this year. The year of 40. 

So let's take a look over the past 10 and a half months and see what I've done. 

I traveled. Jacob and I took our annual February trip, doing a week long cruise this time. I took a siblings trip to Connecticut and New York City, combining my love of Gilmore Girls, Friends and broadway shows. Jacob and I got to enjoy a week in Myrtle Beach with the Zaruba family, which is always a great time no matter where we go! 

Speaking of broadway shows, I bought myself season tickets to the 2025-2026 Broadway Season at the Orpheum. And the Ordway. And at the Des Moines Performing Arts Center. 😁 Did I maybe go a little overboard? Eh, ask me after the season is done. I've also crossed off a few other shows off my list. Every time I go to a show I am reminded of how much I love going to shows. 

Shows I've seen this year so far: Dear Evan Hansen, Book of Mormon, Pirates! The Penzance Musical, Friends! The Musical Parody, Cabaret, Kimberly Akimbo, Oklahoma, The Addams Family and The Jersey Boys. Oh! I can't forget Spend Awhile on the Nile, which featured Jacob as Pharaoh! 

I treated myself to a few massages, hair cuts and even getting my nails done. I started a weight loss journey towards the end of last year, cutting out pop and trying to eat healthier. I treated myself with new clothes when my old ones no longer fit. 

Jacob and I had a mini-photo shoot and got updated pictures of the two of us. And I am in love with these pictures! I convinced The Zaruba family to let me take family pictures while we were on vacation. And even though it's now October and I still haven't edited any, I know I'm going to love those pictures as well! I also did my own little fun photo shoot but that one was just for me. But these pictures, I love looking at when I need a confidence boost or just want to feel amazing. 

I paid off my car and am working on becoming truly debt-free once again. I completely updated the downstairs of the house and am in love with how it looks. I'm working on going through old clothes, toys and other things that we no longer need or use and either selling them or donating them. 

I chose to do things that bring me joy like visiting the State Fair, taking Jacob to new movies he's wanted to see, going to a couple of Wartburg Choir concerts, participating in a couple of protests, attending a women's retreat through church, going to a concert of one of my favorite bands, driving two hours for a pumpkin trail and light display, and spending time with friends whenever I can. 

I also treated myself to a new pink diamond ring that I wear on my right hand as a daily reminder to love and take care of myself. 

So far, the year of turning 40 has been filled with fun, joy, laughter and love. 

And right now, I am fulfilling my wish to welcome 40 my way with a solo trip to the North Shore. I booked a room facing Lake Superior with a whirlpool tub and a fireplace. I woke up early this morning and drove to Iona's Beach (with pink rocks!!) to watch the sunrise with a cup of hot chocolate. I explored Gooseberry Falls, Pebble Beach and Palisade's Head all before coming back to take a nap while it rained outside. The perfect kind of nap weather. I did some reading by the fireplace. I enjoyed an incredible 90 minute hot stone massage that was so relaxing and just wonderful. I'm ending the day with a dinner reservation at Charlie's Alpine Bistro and some pasta. Before I go to bed I'll either finish my book or rewatch some Game of Thrones episodes. Or maybe both. 

It was a perfect, peaceful, quiet solitude day. 

I spent time reflecting on what I want the next decade to look like. And I think for the most part, it's pretty simple. I want to love my life. 

I want to love who I am as a person, embracing all my flaws and mistakes. I want to celebrate my highs and learn from my lows. I want to do things that bring me joy - no matter how big or small. I want to be the best mother I can to Jacob and help him navigate his teen years. I want to take him on adventures and make memories that we'll never forget. 

I want to be a mentor to others, a person who people come to for advice. I want to be loyal and someone always available to listen. I want to be dependable and someone always willing to help or step in. But also a person who knows my limits, my capacity, and my boundaries and can say no when it's necessary. 

I've seen videos where people talk about being in their "fuck it 40s" era. And I resonate with this so much. I no longer care what other people think about me. I'm working on no longer caring if people don't like my response to something because I know it's the right thing for me. I will take all the pictures, all the silly selfies. I will sing loudly at the concerts or in my car. I am going to do what I want because I can. 

So cheers to the next decade. A decade of joy, love, peace, happiness, and laughter. A decade of being intentional about my choices. A decade of choosing me. A decade of loving others. I'm so looking forward to the journey.

What does a liver donor look like?

I've learned a lot about what it means to be a living liver donor. It's pretty fascinating. Maybe you'll think so too. 

Over 100,000 people in America are currently waiting for an organ. Unfortunately, many people will never get a call saying an organ has become available. A living donor is a solution to this problem. It not only shortens the waiting time for a person who needs an organ, but also reduces the pressure on the waiting list for others. 

The liver is the only organ in our body that can regenerate itself. Even before I leave the hospital after the surgery, they will be able to see some regrowth starting to happen. This is just amazing and crazy to me. 

Within a few months, the liver will have fully regrown and be fully functional again. The portion of liver my dad receives will also regrow to a normal size and barring any complications, also function fully. 

Like I mentioned in another post, a person can donate up to 69.9% of their liver to someone. This seems like a huge amount! But again - the wonders of our bodies. For me, my right lobe is 55.7% and the left is 44.2%. I will be donating my right lobe, which also means that my gallbladder will be removed. 

The surgery itself is a major surgery, but also a relatively safe one. It will take between 3-4 hours and I will spend the first night after the surgery in the ICU so they can keep an eye on things. I will stay in the hospital for up to a week, depending on how the surgery goes, and then stick around Rochester for another couple of days just to follow up with some labs and an ultrasound to make sure everything is looking good. I'll have follow up labs on days 14 and 28 post surgery, along with follow up appointments 6 months, 1 year and 2 years after. 

I'll be off work for about a month to recover. I'll have a restriction of no pushing, pulling or lifting more than 10lbs for up to 8 weeks and I won't be able to drive for at least two weeks. I was told that days 1 and 2 after the surgery are generally not bad, but once that third day hits, I'll probably feel like I was hit by a truck. Good to know. 

The one doctor we met with compared the recovery to a pregnancy. When you're pregnant and growing a baby, that baby is generally selfish and takes what it needs to grow. The same can be said when regrowing a liver. All of my energy will be going to the liver as it regenerates and so being extremely tired all the time is a big part of the recovery. Luckily for me, I love naps. 

Recovery obviously looks different in every person, but for liver donors, their recovery is generally pretty steady. If there are complications, they normally happen right after the surgery while I would still be in the hospital. Generally, living donors do not experience any long-term problems after they donate. 

Mayo in Rochester does two living donor surgeries per month and living donations make up 10% of all their liver transplant surgeries. 

Now you have an idea of what it looks like to be a living liver donor! 

The Evaluation Process

For many months now, my Mom and Dad would head to Rochester for various tests and appointments for my Dad. Often they would be over there for 2-3 days at a time, staying in Rochester instead of driving back and forth. They would tell us about all the different appointments on different floors or different buildings - like the one blood test that couldn't be done in the same place as the other blood test he just finished - the spots they would find to sit in between appointments and listen to someone play piano, or send us pictures of the different restaurants they would eat at. 

It always sounded like a lot and a bit of a nuisance. But I truly had no idea until I was in the exact same situation myself. But I'm getting ahead of myself... let's back up.

The first step to becoming a living donor is to fill out the living donor form. Simple enough. Answer some questions about myself, my health, medical history. There are very specific requirements to even be considered as a donor. You must be between the ages of 18 and 60, your BMI must be under 30, you must be in good health, you must have good/stable mental health. In addition to that, there are other things to consider such as do you have the capability to take a month or longer off from work? Would you need financial assistance for lost wages? Do you have someone to be available as a caretaker after the surgery and during your recovery? 

Once I passed that step, I had a phone call interview with a Nurse Coordinator from Mayo. They explained more about what a living donation looks like as a potential donor and asked some more questions. I learned a few more things like that this surgery would take 3-4 hours, I would spend one night in the ICU then a few more days in the hospital before getting discharged. Then I would need to stay in Rochester for a couple more days for a few more follow up appointments. Those follow up appointments would continue over the next two years to make sure my liver was still functioning properly. I wouldn't be able to drive for a while and I would have a lifting restriction for up to 8 weeks. When none of this scared me away, I was told I qualified for the next step which would be to come in for a variety of tests and appointments. 

At this point, I waited to give my sister and brother a chance to get through the application and phone interview process as well. We had decided that even if we all qualify for the actual tests, only one of us would go through that process at a time to see if we were a match. So if I went through the process and wasn't a match, then Meg would do the tests. 

We got the appointments and tests scheduled and I was told I'll be in Rochester for three days. Over those three days I would have a lot of different tests to make sure I was healthy, had no underlying conditions and see if I could be a match. Being a match meant more than just having the same blood type and being healthy. A donor often needs to be of similar size of the recipient so that the liver volume will be close to the same. This looks at not only the overall liver size, but also the size of the vessels and such. This is often why people aren't able to match - the livers aren't close enough in size and volume. 

Here's an interesting fact. A person can donate up to 69.9% of their liver to someone. During a liver donation, they will either take the right lobe or the left lobe. So if one lobe makes up 73% of the total liver mass, then that person can't donate because it's above that 69%. 

Soon my Mayo patient portal was filled with messages and appointments. I also received my appointment package in the mail - which was *several* pages long. It detailed each of my appointments - where, when and with who - and also told me what I needed to do to prepare for each test or appointment. I'm not going to lie... it was a bit overwhelming! I definitely set reminders in my phone like "no more food" or "stop drinking anything". 

Meg and I had talked and decided that she would come with me to most of the appointments. If I was a match, Meg would most likely be my caretaker, while my Mom would take care of my Dad. My Mom also mentioned how nice it was to have someone else at the appointments because they throw a lot of information at you and it's good to have a second set of ears. And this was 100% true. Meg was my note-taker and I was grateful to have those notes to go back and review after leaving Rochester.

So, what did I do while in Rochester? Well, let me tell you. I had appointments to meet with a Nurse Coordinator, a living donor advocate and a social worker. I had an appointment with a doctor for a general check in, along with the surgeon. I had to do a urine and blood test. The blood test included a total of 26 vials of blood. I learned that this did not beat my dad's overall record of number of vials drawn at once. :) One of the blood tests had to be done by a different technician and in in a different room. So I had one blood draw for 25 vials and then I had to walk across the room to another station and get poked again for one more vial. Super fun. I had an x-ray and an MRI. The MRI took over an hour; I was told it was one of their longest imaging sessions. Also super fun. I also had a CT scan, an ECHO test and an ECG test. 

Now I had a better understanding of what my Dad has to do every time he visits Rochester. It is a lot. 

One thing about Mayo is that they're really great about putting your test results into your patient portal. This can be both good and bad. But it was definitely interesting to see the results of everything. I also learned a few things!

1. I still have the antibodies in my body from when I had mono as a junior in high school. 
2. I have gallstones. Which apparently a lot of people do and they might never cause me any problems or they might cause some really intense pain down the road. However, if I end up donating my right lobe, they would remove my gallbladder as well, thus saving me from potential pain and suffering. 
3. I also learned I have a trifurcation of my main portal vein going into my liver. Most people's vein will split into two - one for each lobe. However, my vein splits into three going into the liver. This doesn't mean anything is wrong or would cause me from not donating, just a unique aspect of my liver. 

I also had one last visit with the Doctor before leaving town who told me that as a potential liver donor, I'm "as good as they get". I was healthy with no underlying conditions. The only thing they were still waiting on was the volume and mass of my liver to see how it compared to my dad's. So I left Rochester knowing that I was a potential match and once those last tests came back, if they were good, I would be recommended to the committee to be a donor. 

The following week, I got the official phone call that I was a match for my dad. 

Then it was time for making an actual decision. Up until this point, I had been very deliberate about not getting ahead of myself and not thinking about what being a donor would actually look like and mean until I knew I was a match.

What goes into make that type of decision? A lot. But we'll talk about that a little bit later. 

 

The 2025 Curveball

When 2025 started, I told myself I was going to do the things that bring me joy and say no to the things that don't. That was my mantra. As we are about to enter my birthday month, I've looked back over the past nine months and I am happy with what I've done so far. But we'll talk more about that in another post. 

2025 also decided to throw in a curveball, because why not? At this point, I'm thinking it's a requirement every year since 2020... 

Anyway... earlier this year, we found out my Dad needs a new liver. While we knew this was maybe something that would happen, everything kind of happened rather quickly once the cards started falling. In June, he was officially added to the liver transplant list. 

We quickly learned that this "transplant world" was filled with things we didn't know. I mean, why would you need to know how your liver affects your oxygen levels unless it's causing a problem for you? 

The good news is that my Dad is pretty stable. He's still able to do most everything he's always done. But he gets tired a lot more quickly. Plus some other fun things he gets to deal with that are all symptoms of liver disease but that you would never suspect would be related to liver disease. 

When he was added to "the list" (which is not actually a list!), he was approved for both a deceased donor, which would be a full liver transplant, or a living donor, which would be a partial liver donation. 

My parents brought home a packet of information from Rochester on living donors. My siblings and I all read through it. There was a very strict list of requirements. No one over the age of 60, you must have a BMI under 30, you must not have any other underlying health problems, etc. We all decided we were going to apply and see if we were a match for our dad. 

When it came time for one of us to move forward in the process to the actual evaluation process, I used my oldest sibling authority and told my siblings I would get tested first. At least, I can pretend that I still have that oldest sibling authority. :) 

In early September, I spent three days in Rochester getting tested. I have a much better understanding of what my dad has to do every time they go to Rochester for all of his tests. It was a lot. (more on that later too) But about a week after that, I found out that I was a match. 

Then came time for the actual decision. And let me tell you, it was a big decision. We spent time talking as a family, I spent time talking to Jacob, along with his therapist, I spent time talking to my own therapist. 

I decided I wanted to do it - I wanted to donate part of my liver to my dad. 

Then I had to get my dad to agree. 

And I get it, right? If this was Jacob who wanted to do something this big for me, I would have a really hard time accepting that. So we spent more time talking and thinking and praying. My parents did more research on living donations and what my recovery would look like. 

Finally, my dad said yes. And so we've scheduled the surgery for November 20th. There is a lot that needs to be figured out before then, so I'm thankful we have the time. But a lot could change during that time too and my dad could get too sick and we would have to cancel the surgery. 

I tend to process things better when I write, so my therapist suggested I think about journaling through this entire process and maybe sharing the journey with all of you. So with my dad's blessing, let's give it a shot. 

So while a partial liver donation was not on the bucket list of things to do in the year I turn 40, here we are. It's going to be an adventure for sure! 

In the meantime, your prayers are most welcome.  

World Suicide Prevention Day: Love is...

I have no idea how to start this blog post. I have no idea what I want to say. Yet it feels like something needs to be said.

September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day. A day that I will never not recognize for the rest of my life. Losing someone to suicide was one of the worst possible kinds of grief I've ever experienced. One that I wish no one ever had to experience. 

So I guess on this day, I want to say that you are loved. No matter who you are, what you're doing, how you're feeling - you are loved. You are wanted. You are worthy of life. The world is a better place with you in it. The world needs you in it. Please just stay. If you need to talk, I'm here to listen. If you need to just sit with someone, I can be that someone. Just please know how much you are truly loved. 

Five years ago, I wrote this blog post about a song that was commissioned in Austin's memory by his high school class. And for the past five years, I've wanted more for this song. I've wanted to honor Austin's memory in a way that showed his incredible impact on others. 

This past year, I finally saw that happen. The amazing Wartburg Choir under the direction of Dr. Lee Nelson learned 'Love is...' and performed it at their Spring concert and tour. 

I mentioned in the other blog post about how the process of getting the song created was part of a healing process for myself and for Austin's family. Something we didn't know we needed. I had a very similar experience during this process. 

Incredibly, Dr. Nelson sent me an email on Sunday, February 23rd, letting me know that the Wartburg Choir has learned 'Love is...' and were loving it. They wanted to connect with me to learn more about Austin and why this song was created. For those of you that don't know, February 23, 2018 is when Austin passed. To get this email from Dr. Nelson on this day truly felt like a gift from heaven. Or to use a phrase from Dr. Nelson, a "God wink". 

Shortly after, we set up a Zoom meeting with myself, Connor Koppin (the composer) and the Wartburg Choir. Before the meeting, I wanted to try and find some of the things Austin's past students had said about him, to share that with the choir - how important his teaching was. I have a box of things from when Austin passed and so I opened it up for the first time in probably as many years. 

My emotions were all over the place going through that box. We had asked people to send us letters and memories of Austin so that Jacob can read them one day when he was older. But I think I forgot about the amount we did received. I had been saving all these memories for when Jacob was older but seeing them all, I realized that I have all of these memories about AJ right at my fingertips for the days when I struggle to remember him before his illness took over. It was a gift, I realized. (Maybe more on this another time)

Back to the Zoom meeting, I shared memories of AJ. How we met, how much the choir meant to him. And as I talked, I remembered stories that I had not thought about for a really long time. Like when I talked about how he proposed on our international choir tour, I remember how he had asked for an extra key card from the hotel to help hide the bulge from the ring box in his pocket. Or that the night before, he took the ring out of the box, filled the bathroom sink with water and checked to see if the box would float. You see, he proposed while on a gondola ride in Venice Italy and he did not want to accidentally lose the ring over the side of the boat! It's so easy to forget these little things that highlight who AJ was as a person. And so it's so much of a gift to be reminded of them. 

It was also really great to hear from Connor and what creating the piece meant to him. What I hadn't known before this was that Connor actually met AJ. While AJ was teaching at Riverside, the Wartburg Choir came and did a workshop with them. Connor mentioned that he can remember the passion and energy that AJ had while teaching those students. Knowing that Connor knew AJ as a person made me appreciate his composition for the song so much more. 

During the call, the choir sang the song for Connor and I. This was the first time I was truly hearing the song as it was meant to be heard. And I can't tell you how much that filled my heart in that moment. I couldn't wait for others, especially AJ's family, to be able to finally hear the song. 

In another "God wink", the Choir was doing their tour run out the weekend right after AJ's birthday. (The tour run out is where the choir will travel to a few different areas close by and perform the concert as sort of a run-though before the actual tour happens.) The first concert took place in Mount Vernon, where the Mount Vernon High School Choir also performed. Their current director was also AJ's high school director in Tipton. The second concert was in Des Moines where we were able to gather as a family to celebrate AJ's birthday and attend the concert together. 

Both concerts were just an incredible experience. If you've ever been to a Wartburg Choir performance, I don't need to tell you that they knocked it out of the park.

I also believe that the timing of all of this was exactly how it needed to be. I personally am in a much different place in my own grieving process than I was five years ago. I have worked on processing a lot of my feelings and have worked to find myself in a better place. And a lot of this process brought up so many memories of AJ and so many emotions. But instead of being painful, like they absolutely would have before, they were a comfort to me. It was like a warm blanket surrounding me. 

It was so meaningful to finally have this song heard by others. But it was also meaningful because before the song, Dr. Nelson talked about Austin and what this piece means. And it was also an opportunity for us to share the message "You are loved and wanted here." to anyone who needed to hear it. And that is truly what meant the most out of everything. That maybe someone who is struggling would hear this song and realize that they are loved, they are wanted. They would decide to stay. And I am so grateful for that. 

Ultimately, that's what this is all about. To honor AJ's memory and maybe changing the life of someone else; maybe saving the life of someone else. AJ was an amazing teacher and made a meaningful impact on the lives of those he taught. My hope is that this song is a way for him to continue to have an impact on people's lives. 

Please enjoy this self-recorded video of the Wartburg Choir performing 'Love is...' under the direction of Dr. Lee Nelson at the St. Ambrose Cathedral in Des Moines, Iowa. And know that you are important. You are loved. You are worthy. You are wanted. "Let this love blind your shadows."

P.S. I just received news from Dr. Nelson today that 'Love is...' has been published by ECS Publishing. Inside the front cover is a program note from Connor and myself. And a reminder for those struggling that there is a place for them here. How's that for another "God wink" on World Suicide Prevention Day? 

Hello 2025

Going into 2025, I didn't pick a word of the year. I didn't make any resolutions or set any goals. 

There are some things I want to try and do more of though: write more, dance it out (a la Christina Yang), walk more, craft more, be grateful more, walk through the world with more confidence. 

But if I don't do these things, well, that's okay too. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. 

I'm going to say yes to the things that bring me joy and no to the things that don't. I'm going to stand up for myself and not deal with any bullshit. I'm going to rest when I want to rest and go out when I want to go out. I'm going to occasionally spoil myself and likely spoil Jacob more. I'm going to lean into my authentic self and let her be the one in charge. I'm going to do what I want and not care what anyone else thinks. 

This year (2025) I turn 40. And I am welcoming it with open arms. I'm ready to live my life true and fully as myself. Zero f*cks to give (I hope). 

My 30's were chaotic. They were stressful and busy and hard. And yes, there were absolutely some amazing times in there as well. But now I'm ready for a calmer decade. One where I'm just going to live my life the best that I can and let everyone else do whatever they're going to do. (ref. Let Them theory)

I'm looking forward to this year. To this next decade. I'm looking forward to seeing the person I grow into.