Moving forward

In my last post, I mentioned that we had been through some things that had tested us in a variety of ways. I mentioned that we, or at least I, had hit the breaking point. Well, it seems that God decided that it wasn't our breaking point quite yet and that He had a couple of other things in mind to test our strength.

I guess its true when they said 'things can't get worse', they do. I guess its true that when you think you can't take it anymore and you don't think you have the strength to carry on, you find that you must and therefore you can.

However, I continue to be blessed and amazed by all the love and support of our family and friends. I think sometimes it's easy to take that for granted, when its always there. But in the times when you really need it, and it comes through more than you ever expected, you are just so grateful. I am thankful for each and every person that has kept Austin and I in their thoughts and prayers throughout the past couple of weeks. And I can honestly say that I believe those prayers are being answered.

I admit that I was hesitant about God's timing for a long time. I didn't understand why things were or were not happening when I thought they should. But after all the recent events, things are making sense. God's timing is making sense. This shouldn't surprise me, because God's timing is always perfect, but it still does. God knows what He's doing. He has reasons behind everything. Reasons why things took place this week and last week. Reasons why it had to be now to leave my job. Reasons why I don't have another one lined up yet. Reasons for it all. 

There was something that I read lately. There is an application on Facebook called "God wants you to know". I had seen the messages pop up on my news feed from other friends but had never really looked more into it. But a couple of days ago when I was searching for some reassurance, I decided to see what God wanted me to know. And it is miraculous how God can even work through Facebook applications. This is what I was told: 

On this day, God wants you to know... that if you relax, it comes. Don't see, don't search, don't ask, don't knock, don't demand - relax. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, God shows you the way.

How amazing, right? I think this is just what I needed to hear from God. I was having a hard time relaxing this week. I was searching, I was asking, I was demanding answers from God. But I didn't need to. He knew what He was doing the entire time - He always does. I only needed to be patient and let God show me the way. And He has. 

God has allowed AJ and I to move on to the next chapter in our lives. We are taking steps every day. And I know that God is walking with us every step of the way. There was another quote that I read this week (again, on Facebook) that seemed to ring true with our live right now. It is a quote by C.S. Lewis.

We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.

Things don't always work out the way we want them to. Sometimes we have to put up a fight. Sometimes we have to go through trials and suffering. Sometimes there will be pain. But through all of this, God is there and God is helping us - making us stronger. These past couple of weeks have proven to AJ and I that life and marriage are full of ups and downs. But we can survive it all. We can move past it all. We will be better from it all. 


And for a piece of very good news: today is the last Sunday that I will have to leave AJ here in Council Bluffs by himself. This week is my last week at work, which will be sad and hard to say goodbye, but necessary. I'm excited to being this next chapter in life with my husband again, living together again! After Thanksgiving we will be home together again. I'll be interested to see how long it will take for AJ to wish I was back in Dike! :) 


Again, AJ and I appreciate all of your prayers, thoughts and support. We are blessed beyond anything we could ever imagine and have the greatest family and friends. Just knowing that you all have been thinking of us throughout this time warms our hearts. We are so thankful. God bless you all.

Trusting God and Taking Leaps

Just a quick note: Writing is a way that I express myself and it helps me to sort out my thoughts. So I apologize if some of this doesn't make sense, but it's just everything that is going through my mind.


Wednesday

Well, the week has been an eventful week, to say the very least. In fact, I'm not even sure how to begin. No details of our week need to be described here, but the events that took place were ones that tested both AJ and myself. They tested our marriage. They tested our strength. They tested the support of our family and friends. They tested our patience. They tested our (or at least my) trust in God.

I don't think that I've ever prayed harder than I did earlier this week. I don't think I've ever asked God to make things okay more than I have this week. There were points that I was literally on my knees, begging God to give me answers and wanting them to be the answers I needed to hear. I don't think my relationship with God has ever been this... raw. There was just so much going through my heart, my mind, my soul that I'm not even sure I still understand it all. I think I'm still trying to process everything. I know that I've never needed God more in my life than I have this week. I've never needed the reassurance I'm seeking from Him now.

AJ and I are at a point in our life where some changes need to be made, from both our ends. We've done a lot of talking this week trying to figure those changes out - what they are and how we go about making them happen. And while some plans have been made and some steps have been taken, we've still got a long way to go. There are plans up in the air and many more steps to be taken. And I'm struggling with this. I'm struggling with the fact that things are up in the air. I'm struggling not knowing exactly what our next steps are. I'm struggling not having answers. And I'm struggling - so much - not to worry about it all.

I'm a "worrier" by nature. It runs in my family. Ask anyone. And I think it's also a symptom of being the oldest child. But whatever the case, I worry. A lot. I'm trying to look at everything and wanting to find solutions. I want to fix what's wrong. I want to know the answers I'm desperately waiting to hear. I worry about it all. And I'm also a hypocrite in this sense. AJ is also a worrier, especially if he thinks he's the one causing "problems" or whatever the case is. And so I'm constantly telling AJ not to worry. I'm telling him to just let it go. To move forward. The problem is, I don't take my own advice.

I think in my current situation, I just want to have control. I want to be able to help. I want to be able to have the answers. But I don't. I am having a hard time letting go. I know that worrying about things is not going to do me any good. I know worrying is not going to fix our problems. I know that I need to push all of that aside and trust God. I need to let go and let God. But I'm still hesitant. Maybe it's because I've put my trust in God the entire time AJ and I have been apart. And so far, it hasn't gotten us anywhere. I've trusted God that He knows what He's doing and that this is all part of His plan. But this week was a breaking point for me. And I guess I'm tired of waiting. I'm trying my hardest to keep my trust in God. And I'm putting a lot of pressure on him to wrap things up and make everything okay by the end of week. I've given him a time line in my mind. And I know that's not fair and that's not how God works. But that's where I'm at. I am trying to put it all out of my mind and move forward. I am trying not to worry. I'm trying no to think about what will happen if I don't get the answers I'm so desperately hoping for. I am trying to put my trust in God. But right now, it's taking everything I have to do that. 

Friday

Well, the end of the week has come. I'm not sure the end of the week has necessarily gotten any better, or worse for that matter. It just is. I discussed everything I wrote above with AJ some more and we talked about our options, our wants, our needs. We determined the next step in our plan. But that wasn't easy for us to do. And it wasn't an easy step. But we were hopeful and trusting God it was the right decision and that He will see us through it.

On Thursday when I returned to work, I think I felt like a zombie. I wasn't really there. I wasn't feeling. I was just trying to put myself completely in work so that I wasn't thinking about everything else. So I wasn't worrying about everything else. So I wasn't driving myself crazy. While I was out of the office, my mom sent me a devotion she had come across. She mentioned it was a good reminder "that God walks with you and has both you and AJ in the palm of His hand" during a time of uncertainty and turmoil. And it was just what I needed to hear (or read). I know that these times of uncertainty can be times of pain, but also times of growth. I have to remember that God is in the process of His plan and He knows what he's doing. The devotion was based on Psalm 98 and the text from the devotion is below: 

The most joyful woman I have ever known is someone who has suffered some true tragedies in her life: loss of loved ones, health and home. Yet, I spend just a few minutes in her presence and I come away feeling refreshed and more positive than I had been in weeks.
More than a mere positive attitude, she has a joy that runs deep, founded in her trust in and gratitude to God. I think of her when I hear the words, "O sing to the Lord a new song!" Her life is a new song of praise composed every time she shares her joy in the Lord. It is heard not with lyre or trumpet, but with the instruments of faith, assurance and hope.
For what are you grateful to God? Is there a "new song" others will hear in you? What "instruments" will you use?
We praise you, God, for your saving presence. Help us today to sing your praise in everything we do. Amen.

What a great reminder, right? Especially for two people that love to sing as much as AJ and I do. We need to remember to rejoice in the Lord! God will see us through this time.

Last night once I left work though, I started to get anxious again. I was hoping for an answer that hadn't come yet. And I was disappointed in that. And I started to think about this next step (actually, it was more of a HUGE leap!) that I needed to take and it made me start to worry about other issues. I tried to be strong and keep it inside because I didn't want to burden anyone else, especially AJ. But he broke me down and got inside of my thoughts. But it helped, he helped. He reminded me, yet again, what I already knew but needed to hear once again. It seems these days, I'm needed to be reminded of certain things a lot. But the good thing is, I have a lot of people that are there for me and that will remind me as often as I need them to. 

And then today, Friday, came. The end of the week. The day I was hoping for some answers. The day decisions were going to be put into action. The deadline I had given God. And although I still didn't have everything worked out like I had wanted, there were other things I needed to do. After a lot of talking, thinking and praying this week, AJ and I decided that the best thing for us and for our relationship was for me to be out in Council Bluffs. So, I gave Kruger my two weeks notice today. 


This was a very tough decision for us, especially since I don't have another job lined up at this time. But AJ and I both believe (as does many of our family) that this is the best thing for us at this time. We believe that this is the right decision. We believe that God is going to help us through this. I think that this is the biggest leap, biggest risk that I've ever taken. And it's hard to leave a job you really enjoy, and that you have friends at. And it's hard to leave a job that's within your field, in this economy. This isn't the way I pictured myself leaving. But I'm putting my faith in God. I'm putting my trust in Him, my hope in Him. And I'm doing the same with our marriage. We made vows to each other and we're standing by them. I'm making our marriage my number one priority right now - making my husband my number one priority. 

I'm sure that this decision will in turn bring about some new struggles for AJ and I. But I also believe that it is going to bring us a lot of comfort, a lot of support for each other. And that is what we need right now. We know that we have the support from Riverside and we appreciate that so much. And once I'm out in Council Bluffs, we're going to start getting to church every Sunday so that we can gain that family and get their support as well. We're going to start building our lives - together - out in Council Bluffs finally. And I know that God is going to be there with us, every step of the way.

Little Things & Sand Dunes

Being apart from my husband has taught me to treasure the little things in life. Liking being able to cuddle at night. Like sleeping in my own bed. Like being able to hold hands. Like kissing each other goodnight. Like watching Friends before going to bed. Like eating dinner together. Like singing in the car along with the radio together. Like being able to stare at my husband whenever I want, just to know he's there. Like waking up next to someone. Like watching movies together. Like the amazing back rubs he gives. Like giving him haircuts in our bathroom. Well... I could go on.

I know I've said this before, but it gets harder and harder to leave AJ every time we have to say goodbye. Although I don't know if I want it to get easier... the fact that it's still hard to say goodbye tells me that our love is not faltering. It tells me that AJ still means the world to me and that we will be okay.

The weekend of our anniversary, however, seemed really hard to say goodbye. That weekend, we were together Friday night until Wednesday morning. I think this was the longest amount of time we have been able to spend with each other since being apart. On a normal weekend, we see each other Friday night until Sunday afternoon/early evening. It's an incredibly short amount of time, all things considered. And because of this, we tend to treasure every moment we have together. It actually feels like we're just starting to date again! Everything is fun and exciting and we're so eager to just spend that time with the other person. We don't spend those weekends arguing about little married things or getting on each others nerves. It's all happiness.

Back to our anniversary weekend - that weekend was extended. And I think that we - or at least I - fell back into our normal married routine. We got more comfortable with each other again and weren't afraid to pick some fights. And as strange as it may sound, I realized that I missed that. While spending our weekends like a new dating couple can be fun, I miss the normalcy of being married. I miss the "mundane" things like fighting over what to have for supper. I miss just being able to sit on the couch with each other, but not having to talk. I miss our routine. And because I had gotten a feeling of that routine again, it was extremely hard to say good bye to AJ on Wednesday morning when we both headed off to work. It was harder to leave what I once had, but hadn't experienced in a couple months. It was hard.

There are some days, those really bad days, that I start to question God. Okay, maybe not question God, but definitely question His plan. Because honestly, I don't really like the plan that He has for AJ and I right now. Actually, it sucks. I start to ask, haven't we been apart long enough? Haven't we proved that we're strong enough for this? Can we be rewarded and live together as a husband and wife should? But nothing changes, there are no job leads or phone calls and we remain separated. And so I think, there must be a reason. There has to be a reason. Maybe it's because the 'perfect' job hasn't come along yet. Maybe, heaven forbid, we're being tested now because of something that could happen in the future and this way we'll be better prepared - again, heaven forbid. Who knows. God does have a plan. I believe that. I've always believed that. But I wish I knew what that plan was. What the time line looked like. When things might start to look better.

I came across a quote the other day so I put it as my Facebook status. The quote read: "So maybe life is suppose to be hard. Maybe the people who have it easy are missing out on an adventure." But then someone posted a comment: "I would have to say that the adventure is just a different one. Do you want to get a workout with a hike or have a leisurely stroll?"

I have to say that I hadn't thought of that. But she made a very good point. This journey that AJ and I are on is only going to be what we make of it. We are the ones to determine what the adventure will be. Are we taking a hike? Or just a stroll around the block? This question, in turn, made me think back to an experience I had as a sophomore in college.

During May Term my sophomore year, I traveled to Africa and spent three weeks on a safari in Namibia and South Africa. One morning, when we were still in Namibia, we woke up extra early - when it was still dark out. Then we drove a little ways to this huge sand dune. The dune was about a mile high. Most of the sand dunes are off limits but this one is open to the public and you can climb to the top. So we started the mile high hike on the sand dune. I don't know if any of you have every tried to climb a giant pile of sand, but let me tell you. It is not the easiest thing to do. For every step you take, you go back a little because there is nothing firm to find your footing on. I got about half way up and I was exhausted. I decided that I wasn't going to make it any higher up and was going to wait where I had stopped. After about 5 minutes, with more and more people passing me on their way up to the top, I changed my mind. I worked my way up the rest of the sand dune and finally made it to the very top. I remember being so proud of myself for deciding to push myself and make the rest of the climb. And once I was up there, the reward was amazing. We all sat down and waited. We waited and watched. We watched the most spectacular sunrise come up over the desert and other sand dunes. To this day, it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. We literally watched as the sun made it's light fall across the desert. I wish I could describe what it was like, but it was simply too amazing. One of God's greatest creation. It was completely worth every hard and exhausting step of the climb up. 

Would the sunrise would have been just as beautiful from halfway up the sand dune? Probably. But would I have enjoyed the sight more? I'm not sure. Knowing how hard I had to work to make it to the top made the pay off that much more amazing. I'd like to think that this is the point AJ and I are at. We've been climbing for a while now... we're both exhausted. We're ready to be done. But it doesn't look like we're at the top yet. It looks like we still have some climbing to do. We have to keep pushing ourselves. We have to keep climbing. But I know that the top is in sight. There is a point that we'll get to when we'll be up there. And then we'll be able to enjoy that beautiful sunrise together. I know that when we get to that point, our reward will be great. And most importantly, we'll be enjoying it together.