It will be okay

I read a quote once: "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end." Everyone keeps telling us: "It will be okay, things will work out." 

It's easy to read these quotes.  It's easy to tell them to someone else when they're having a hard time. But they're not easy to remember, especially in times when nothing seems okay. So, that might be a little dramatic. Things are 'Okay' - whatever that word really means anyway. We still have each other. We're together. We have our health [or most of it ;-)!]. We have family and friends, many of whom we'll be able to spend the holidays with. Things are 'Okay'. 

But when do they get better? When do they become great? When do things go back to the way it once was? Do they ever go back there? When do we have to stop worrying about paying bills? When do we get to end unemployment? When do we go back to enjoying the simple things in life rather than worrying about all the things I wish we didn't have to worry about? 

I try. I try to be happy, I try to stay positive. I know that AJ and I are blessed much more than so many other people. And I am truly grateful for that. But it's still hard. Unemployment is taking it's toll. Hearing defeat, hearing rejections, or even hearing nothing at all is wearing on me. And how can I even complain? I left my job willingly. After sitting in a recent group interview and hearing that about half that room had lost their jobs and that they had no control over that? I can't imagine. 

I think back to last spring, when AJ first had his interview with Riverside. I remember the call asking if he wanted to job. I remember that next week, praying over the right decision. I remember being confident that saying yes to that job and moving to Western Iowa was the right decision for AJ and I. That is was what God was telling us to do. Then I remember trying to find a job. I remember opportunities that came and went just as quickly. Before long, our time was up and we decided we would have to be apart a while. But with new possible opportunities at work, again I felt confident that this is what God was telling us to do. I remember the time apart. The nightly phone calls, the four hour drive to see each other each weekend, the incredibly hard time saying good bye each Sunday. I remember things not getting any easier. I remember thinking new possibilities at work might not come through. I remember trying to look for jobs again. 

Then I remember the events that changed everything. I remember knowing that I could no longer be four hours away from my husband. I remember knowing it was time to make a decision. I remember making the decision of putting my marriage, my husband, above everything else and sacrificing my job. I remember giving my two weeks notice and I remember my last day at Kruger. 

I remember it all. I remember it very clearly. I remember because I never expected my life, our lives, to take this course. I never expected these... 'bumps' and 'potholes' in the road. But then again, who does? I remember it all. What I'm struggling with now is why. Why did it all happen? Why did things run the course they did? Why am I still not employed, why do we have to worry about the bills? Why are things not better yet? I'm struggling to see how this part fits into God's plan. I'm struggling not to second guess things. Was AJ accepting this job offer the right move? Was my leaving Kruger the right thing to do? Or was it all for nothing? This is where I'm struggling. This is where I'm searching to understand. I have to believe that this is where God wants us, that this is where His road has taken us. I have to believe that. But I'm realizing that believe that is testing my faith. It's hard to let go of all my thoughts and fears and just have faith. To trust God. I struggle with it everyday. 

But now I've laid it all out there. God, you know the struggles on my heart. You know my fears and my worries. I pray to you that you can help me find comfort. Peace. Patience. Faith. I pray that we're following your plan, your road. I pray that we're on the right track and that if we're just patient, you will provide. I pray that you're there with us every step of the way. I pray that you give us guidance and strength to get through these tough spots and I pray you give us the understanding that when it is time, and at the end, it will be okay. It will be great. Amen.

Christmas trees

I'm long overdue for an update. I know this. And I don't even have a good excuse on why I haven't written one. I mean really, I have no job right now. Maybe I've been unsure of what to say. Maybe I've been trying to just put everything behind us and move forward. I'm not sure. 

It's official. I'm officially a resident of Council Bluffs. The week of Thanksgiving was my last week at Kruger. It was a short week but a long week. It was really hard to say goodbye to some people there. I'd really developed some relationships over the two years I worked there and I'm really going to miss them. I also learned a lot and grew professionally over the years. And I'm very grateful I had that opportunity. I pray that when my next opportunity comes along, it will be just as satisfying as working at Kruger. 

Thanksgiving weekend was spend in Tipton for AJ and I. It was good to be out and just spend time with family. Unfortunately I was down for the count and spent most of the weekend sleeping trying to get over a cold. AJ spent the weekend with family and friends, including being a groomsman in the wedding of a good high school friend. Apparently he "danced it up" at the reception too, so it's good to know he can still have a good time when his wife is home sick and sleeping. :) 

This past week has been spent with AJ at school every day and me at home. And although it might sound awesome, it can get pretty boring pretty quickly. I've managed to watch two entire seasons of Grey's Anatomy within a week. But I have gotten some other things done. I've applied for jobs every day. I've finally started to get the apartment not looking like a bachelor pad. :) I got all of our fall decorations put away and all of our Christmas decorations up. Our stockings are hung on the fireplace and our tree is lit and decorated with ornaments. 

I think Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year. I love the decorations. I love the music. I love the spirit. I love the cookies! But I love what it stands for even more. I love the Christmas story. I love hearing how God sent His son into this world. I love the simple way Christ came into this world. Not in a fancy palace. Not with a big celebration. But in a manager. With just the people who loved Him. 

It's easy to forget what Christmas is really about. There's so much focus on the presents, on Santa and whatnot. But there is a real reason behind this season. (Cheesy rhyming, I know...) I think that this year is a year that AJ and I are really going to remember that. It's easy to remember what Christmas is really about when you're shopping for stockings at the Dollar Tree. It's easy to remember about Christ's birth when you're living on one income. It's easy to remember the Christmas story when all you want to do is just be able to spend the holidays with your family and that nothing else matters. 

One of my all time favorite things to do during this time of year is to go out in the living room late at night when everyone else is sleeping, and just sit by the Christmas tree. All the other lights are off except the tree. I've done it for as long as I can remember. There is just something so peaceful about sitting next to the tree, when all is quiet in the house and the snow makes the world so beautiful outside the window. In fact, that's exactly how I'm writing this blog. Okay, so there's no snow outside here, but I'm pretending. I guess I can't explain how much these moments mean to me. 

I recently read an Advent devotion about Christmas lights. It explained that we catch glimpses of light from heaven and that they can come to us in a hymn or song. But that they come as a renewed awareness of the forgiveness, acceptance and peace that God offers us. Jesus takes these lights and fills the darkness. He is the light of the world. Maybe that's what I see when I sit by the Christmas tree.