It will be okay

I read a quote once: "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end." Everyone keeps telling us: "It will be okay, things will work out." 

It's easy to read these quotes.  It's easy to tell them to someone else when they're having a hard time. But they're not easy to remember, especially in times when nothing seems okay. So, that might be a little dramatic. Things are 'Okay' - whatever that word really means anyway. We still have each other. We're together. We have our health [or most of it ;-)!]. We have family and friends, many of whom we'll be able to spend the holidays with. Things are 'Okay'. 

But when do they get better? When do they become great? When do things go back to the way it once was? Do they ever go back there? When do we have to stop worrying about paying bills? When do we get to end unemployment? When do we go back to enjoying the simple things in life rather than worrying about all the things I wish we didn't have to worry about? 

I try. I try to be happy, I try to stay positive. I know that AJ and I are blessed much more than so many other people. And I am truly grateful for that. But it's still hard. Unemployment is taking it's toll. Hearing defeat, hearing rejections, or even hearing nothing at all is wearing on me. And how can I even complain? I left my job willingly. After sitting in a recent group interview and hearing that about half that room had lost their jobs and that they had no control over that? I can't imagine. 

I think back to last spring, when AJ first had his interview with Riverside. I remember the call asking if he wanted to job. I remember that next week, praying over the right decision. I remember being confident that saying yes to that job and moving to Western Iowa was the right decision for AJ and I. That is was what God was telling us to do. Then I remember trying to find a job. I remember opportunities that came and went just as quickly. Before long, our time was up and we decided we would have to be apart a while. But with new possible opportunities at work, again I felt confident that this is what God was telling us to do. I remember the time apart. The nightly phone calls, the four hour drive to see each other each weekend, the incredibly hard time saying good bye each Sunday. I remember things not getting any easier. I remember thinking new possibilities at work might not come through. I remember trying to look for jobs again. 

Then I remember the events that changed everything. I remember knowing that I could no longer be four hours away from my husband. I remember knowing it was time to make a decision. I remember making the decision of putting my marriage, my husband, above everything else and sacrificing my job. I remember giving my two weeks notice and I remember my last day at Kruger. 

I remember it all. I remember it very clearly. I remember because I never expected my life, our lives, to take this course. I never expected these... 'bumps' and 'potholes' in the road. But then again, who does? I remember it all. What I'm struggling with now is why. Why did it all happen? Why did things run the course they did? Why am I still not employed, why do we have to worry about the bills? Why are things not better yet? I'm struggling to see how this part fits into God's plan. I'm struggling not to second guess things. Was AJ accepting this job offer the right move? Was my leaving Kruger the right thing to do? Or was it all for nothing? This is where I'm struggling. This is where I'm searching to understand. I have to believe that this is where God wants us, that this is where His road has taken us. I have to believe that. But I'm realizing that believe that is testing my faith. It's hard to let go of all my thoughts and fears and just have faith. To trust God. I struggle with it everyday. 

But now I've laid it all out there. God, you know the struggles on my heart. You know my fears and my worries. I pray to you that you can help me find comfort. Peace. Patience. Faith. I pray that we're following your plan, your road. I pray that we're on the right track and that if we're just patient, you will provide. I pray that you're there with us every step of the way. I pray that you give us guidance and strength to get through these tough spots and I pray you give us the understanding that when it is time, and at the end, it will be okay. It will be great. Amen.