Messes

Do you ever feel like your life is just one big mess? That is the current state of my life right now. Or at least, it feels that way.

When I say mess, I don’t just mean in terms of relationships, situations, etc. Although that is certainly true. But there are literally messes everywhere. Boxes and tubs in the garage that need to be sorted and stored. Old clothing and toys set aside to be sold or donated. Piles of mail hiding under some open boxes of Peeps. Toys all over the living room that a three year old refuses to pick up. Pieces of cut up string on the floor from that same three year old.

These messes certainly don’t help with my mental state. But I feel like I just have no time. Every day is busy. Work, ECFE classes, visiting grandparents, church and choir practice, visiting AJ in South Dakota. It feels nonstop. (Just for the record, none of these things feel a burden or something I don’t want to do, it just becomes a lot) AJ mentioned on the phone tonight that I sounded sad every time we talk. I don’t know about sad as much as exhausted.

Acting as a single mom is tough. But then I look at my life and I think – but I’m not really a single mom. I live with my parents. They are amazing grandparents and help out probably way more than they should. Plus, I only have one kid. Other moms who really are single and doing this all alone have more than one kid and they manage. So who am I to complain, right? And then, if we’re going to be real honest, I get jealous of those other moms because I never wanted just one kid. But then my mind is back to who am I kidding, I can barely handle the one.

Oh Jacob. This kid. He is truly the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. He is the sweetest, kindest, cutest, funniest, cleverest kid. He can be the biggest handful one minute and the next, the biggest cuddle bug! Let’s continue with our recent  bedtime struggles. Tonight was the same “Cuddle mommy little bit”. Crying those big crocodile tears. Breaking my heart. Finally, after giving in, I went into Jacob’s bedroom and told him we could cuddle (in mommy’s bed) for five minutes. After some time – more than five minutes – this was our conversation:

“Jacob, are you ready to go to your bed yet?”
“Not yet”
“Okay, one more minute”
*Jacob counting on his fingers silently* “How about four minutes?”
*Admiring his smooth negotiation skills… “Three more minutes”
“Okay!”

And the mom guilt. Oh the mom guilt. I feel so selfish for just wanting some time to myself to look through my phone and stretch out on my bed. Especially after basically ignoring him all evening – many evenings – while getting things done. And then I think about how Jacob’s life might not make much sense to him right now. His daddy isn’t around, he can’t go to Daddy’s apartment, we have to drive hours to visit him… and the guilt kicks in again. I think about how he won’t want to cuddle forever so what’s a few nights now? And the kid knows how to work the system. At just the right time he’ll say “we need to hug again” and when I ask why he says “because I love you”. Ugh. Seriously. :) 

Even work feels like a mess right now. Piles of paper everywhere. Tasks that need to be done as soon as possible. Event details that need to be completed. Organizing old files and updating new ones. I could go on. Normally when my life feels messy, it’s normally either work or personal. Not both at the same time.

But both it is. Too much to do. Not enough time. Mess. Chaos. Flustered.

If I’m being completely honest, there have been little victories and good things that have happened recently. But I have a hard time focusing on those. Why is that? Why do we always focus on the bad? Why is that easier?

Looking back and reading over this post, it doesn’t sound like I have that much going on. I feel like I can’t even explain to you why my life feels like such a mess. Reading this, I feel like “eh, that’s not much, you should be fine”. But instead, I still feel stuck in this mess. Am I exaggerating these messes to myself? Or am I now fully allowing myself to dig deep and determine what all these messes are?

Or maybe I'm making more of a mess for myself. When Jacob I switched bedrooms, I went through all the boxes we had in his room. Got rid of a lot of stuff, condensed boxes and was feeling really good. But now that I have additional boxes to go through, I feel like I need to get shelves so that the boxes aren't just stacked on one another. And I should really go through the boxes I have that have some high school stuff in them... it seems daunting and never-ending. 

Life is messy. And as I write this, listening to my toddler screaming from his room, wanting to cuddle, I feel resigned. Defeated. Tired. But Jacob cuddles are normally good at helping with those feelings. :)