Step Four

I went back to Al-Anon tonight (Friday) after missing a couple of weeks. And as is normal when I go to Al-Anon, I hear exactly what I need to hear. At this particular meeting, we read from each book the day’s reading and then anyone can share.

After the readings and a few others shared, I decided to share. And it was while I was talking that I had this realization. The past two weeks that I missed were Good Friday and then my Grandpa’s burial in the Cities. In the past two weeks, I’ve been struggling with how to process my feelings, my thoughts about everything, everything going on. I recently shared that I need to do better with my self-care, my self-love. The thing that was missing during those two weeks? Going to Al-Anon. Doing the daily readings. Working the program myself. Relying on my higher power as I understand him.

It was crazy the feeling of calm I felt sitting back in that room tonight for the meeting. I realized that there were many times in the past two weeks that I’ve looked at the books on my nightstand and tell myself I should read today’s readings, but never get to it. I realized tonight that a big part of my new self-care needs to include Al-Anon and the program.

Maybe you’re familiar with the 12 Steps of AA and Al-Anon and maybe you’re not, but let me share them here with you.

Twelve Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

© Al-Anon's Twelve Steps, copyright 1996 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.

Through the program, in Al-Anon specifically speaking, I work through these steps myself. I admit I’m powerless. I admit that I have wrongdoings. I admit that I have shortcomings. I ask God for His help for me. I pray for the power of understanding of His will for me.

Did you catch the common factor here?

Me. I.

And this is where I currently am. Recognizing that part of my self-care is really digging deep to determine who I am as a person. I am not responsible for anyone else’s actions. I am not responsible for anyone else’s choices. I am not in charge of anyone else. (Jacob – for the time being -  excluded from this ☺️) I must be me. 

Looking back at the First Step, it took coming to Al-Anon to really admit this. I always knew it but didn’t want to admit it and therefore didn’t believe it. Coming to Al-Anon, doing the readings, talking with others, it became easier to accept. I still have to constantly remind myself of this. But I accept it.

Steps Two and Three were easy for me. I’ve always had a great relationship with God and have been working on a closer relationship recently through Bible journaling. These two steps were easy to accept.

Step Four. Oh step four. This is where I’m stuck. This is where my fear is holding me back.

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

I am afraid. I am afraid to dig deep. I am afraid of what I’ll find. I’m afraid to see who I am individually. I’m afraid to find my faults, my wrongs, my shortcomings.

I’ve stayed on this step for a while. I haven’t even tried. But I realized if I’m serious about 2017 being the Year of ME, then I need to complete Step Four.

Maybe if I’m really brave enough, I’ll share this journey with you at some point. But for now, I’m going to work on Step Four. I’m going to do the daily readings. I’m going to keep going to meetings. And I’m going to keep looking at the list I made the other day with my other self-care needs.

“It may not be the answer I want, but I have to remember that it may be what I need.”