My Therapy Experience

For so long, it seemed that the topic of therapy was one of those hushed subjects. Yeah, it's happening, but we don't talk about it. We don't share our experience about it. Maybe people were ashamed to admit they were in therapy. 

I'm sure there is research out there on why this was, but I'm not really concerned about that. What I do want to focus on is that this point of view is turning. 

It's becoming more and more common, more mainstream, to talk about therapy. To share that you're in therapy, to share how therapy is helping you. To not be ashamed about the fact you're in therapy. To encourage others to seek therapy when necessary.

This has been my own personal experience as well. I have been in and out of therapy since I was a teen. I don't think it was anything I really talked about much, especially while in high school. But throughout school, after college, in my marriage, through a divorce and a sudden loss, raising a kid as a single mom, I have been in therapy. 

But here's what I've recently realized... 

A majority of the time I was in therapy, I was doing it wrong. I was in therapy because of some event or series of feelings I was struggling with. And when whatever that thing/feeling/event was done, I would stop therapy until the next time I felt I needed some extra help. And maybe saying that this was the wrong way to do therapy isn't fair, maybe it's what works for some people. But for me, I realized I wasn't reaching the full potential of benefits from on and off therapy. 

This on and off version of therapy was especially prevalent when I moved back to Minnesota and started therapy. In that instance, it was supposed to be couples therapy for AJ and I, to do together. To help work through the issues we were facing in our marriage. Very quickly however, it became a mostly solo therapy experience. AJ would still come to a few sessions, but it overall it was my therapy, not our couples therapy. 

There are many reasons we didn't follow through with the couples therapy and they're really not important here. However, I am glad I continued to seek therapy because while we had issues in our marriage, there were still plenty of things I could work on by myself - to help with our marriage and just on myself in general.

But here's the pattern I fell into: something would happen; I would schedule a therapy session immediately/soon after; I would attend a few weeks of therapy, mostly discussing whatever that event was that triggered the first appointment; I would stop going to therapy; something would happen; I would schedule a therapy session immediately/soon after; I would attend a few weeks of therapy..... You get the picture. 

I started joking with my therapist the first time she would see me again after a break in our sessions - "Well, you're never going to guess what happened now." 

But over the past year or so, I stuck with the therapy. I quit waiting for some bomb to drop and instead scheduled regular sessions with my therapist. And this truly has made all the difference in the world. 

I still have events that happen in life or instances where I get triggered, and I absolutely discuss those in therapy. But in between all of that, I have really and truly begun to work on myself, to learn how to be a better version of myself and live a more full life. And it has been the most rewarding experience. 

I have committed to putting in the hard work to examine myself, to process every single one of my feelings and to determine what it all means. Instead of just focusing on techniques in how to respond to trauma, I have focused on techniques to change me as a person and one better prepared to walk into those trauma-inducing situations. I have learned and discovered things about myself that I either forgotten or didn't know. I feel better about myself as a whole. I can recognize my various feelings and emotions on a different level. I can appreciate the fact that sometimes you gotta push through those really hard feelings to get to the other side. 

Now when I get done with a therapy session, I often feel accomplished. I've either had a great discussion about some sort of revelation or I walk away with the next item on my to-do list of personal things to work on. It's like I can look and see this future me. Someone who is happier, someone who is more free, someone who is prepared to handle whatever life throws at them, someone who loves the me I am. 

Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of work ahead. And a lot of that is probably a continuous journey. But it's not a journey I'm afraid to take. I only have this one life here on earth. I want to make sure that I'm doing everything I can to make this life a good one. 

Therapy gives me a place to do the work and the tools I need. And I'm grateful.