The Decision

 What do you do when you have to make a life changing decision? What's the thought process you take? What are the things you consider? The risks, the outcomes, the benefits. You probably never think about this until you're in the situation where you have to think about this. Then it's pretty much all you can think about. 

Back when my dad was first put on the transplant list and was approved for a living donor, there was a small voice in the back of my head telling me: "it's going to me, I'm going to be the donor". Obviously I had no idea if this was even a possibility yet, but it didn't stop that small voice. 

Going through the entire process of filling out applications, getting testing, I was very intentional about staying in the moment I was in. I did not want to get ahead of myself and start thinking, planning, worrying about what could or could not happen if or if not I was a donor. I've put in enough work in therapy to know that wasn't going to do anyone any good. And luckily, for the most part, I was able to stay in the moment. Take things one step at a time. 

After my appointments in Rochester, when they were still waiting on one test, but I was told I was a good candidate, I finally let myself start to think "I could actually do this." When the official call came in that I was a match, I knew I had to take the time to really think about everything. Think about what it would mean to put myself through a major surgery as a single mom. What it would mean to recover from a major surgery, what it would look like to take a month off a work, to be prepared for possible complications during or after the surgery. What it would look like to be dependent on caretakers after the surgery and needing to rely on other people to help with Jacob. What it would mean for Jacob - how would he feel about me doing this? 

And while yes, that list is long and those are no small things to be taken lightly, at the end of the day, this would be for my dad. 

I have always thought that out of my siblings, I am most like my dad. My mom will often comment on how similar I am to my dad, even if she's sometimes doing it while grumbling about some silly thing like stubbornness or something... 😅 Dad and I have the same temperament, we tend to deal with things in similar ways. We both spent our younger years drinking more than we should have. LOL 

I have this memory from when I was 14 I think. I was working at Pioneer, detasseling corn for the summer. I couldn't drive yet so I had to be dropped off and picked up every day. One day, we got rained out. Dad had been working at the farm and since he got rained out as well, he came and got me. I remember we both had to take off our muddy boots and clothes in the laundry room before we could go any farther into the house. And I distinctly remember thinking "I am just like my dad." and how proud I was to be just like him in that moment. 

My dad is the type that gets along with everyone, always making friends. Whenever I had friends over growing up, he was always comfortable chatting with them and asking how things were. He was the cool dad. 😀 Dad likes to show his love by feeding people. Whenever we have guests, he will go all out on making the meal a good one. I can still remember the very first time my parents met AJ. Dad made us breakfast and he kept giving AJ more food and AJ, wanting to make a good impression, kept eating it! On and on it went. I have no idea how AJ was able to eat so much that day. 

Growing up, my parents have never said no when I've needed them. Dad wouldn't hesitate to drive hours to mine or Meg's place if we needed help with something around one of our apartments. He has always been there and always willing. Whether it was money to help with an unexpected bill or coming to help change a flat tire. When we were little, it was letting us watch The Simpsons on the nights Mom wasn't home for supper. haha 

After AJ died, both of my parents stepped in to help me raise Jacob. My dad has played a very active role in Jacob's life as a positive and consistent male role model. I am so extremely grateful for this because I know this has helped shaped Jacob into the incredible kid he is today.  

During the sermon today, my pastor said the following: "The world is made up of ordinary people doing ordinary things with great love." And I can't think of a better way of describing my dad. 

In the 40 years I've been alive, my dad has given me so much. Has done so much for me. And I can never repay him for that. And I know that he doesn't expect any repayment. That's just what parents do. I get that now, as a parent myself. But right now, I do have this opportunity to give my dad something he needs. After everything he's done for me, this is something I want to do for him. Because he's still got a lot of life left in him. Both Jacob and I aren't done learning from him yet.  

So going back to that little voice in my head, maybe this was always meant to be. It was always going to be me. We have joked that there's no worry about Dad starting to act like his donor because we're already so much alike. 😊

I am honored to be my dad's donor. I am grateful he has accepted this gift. And I am praying that we all stay healthy enough for the surgery to happen, that both surgeries go well, that both recoveries go smoothly and Dad can get back to full energy. 

We welcome your prayers as well. Thank you.