2018: A year of HOPE

So this story actually begins back at the beginning of November. I was in a meeting with one of my bosses and we started discussing things like vision boards, resolutions, goals, words etc. that we set for ourselves in the new year. I explained my 2017 word and that I'd felt pretty successful about the year. I admitted I hadn't really thought about what 2018 should look like yet, but I wanted to do something similar - a word to focus on. 

Just a day or two later, I was at the Women's Leadership Conference. There were vendors set up and many of them had stickers available to add to your name tag. I think it was probably the first booth I stopped at, asked me if I wanted a sticker. I randomly picked out the word hope because I liked the font. :) 

Later I stopped at another vendor, a Christian book and decor store and entered my name into a drawing. I mean, that's just what you do at these things, right? To enter, I had to put down a word of inspiration. Well, hope was still on my mind so that is what I wrote. During the afternoon session, my phone buzzed. I had won a prize and to stop by and pick it up when I could! During the next break I went to check it out. I had won a 2018 planner and the word on the front cover? HOPE. I started to get the feeling someone was trying to tell me something. :) 

The word stuck with me. I planned to do some more scripture reading to see if I could figure out why this should probably be my 2018 word, but things got busy and I didn't really ever get to that. But I didn't forget the word either. I decided to make it my 2018, even if I wasn't entirely sure why this was my word.

It wasn't until right at the end of the year, having it confirmed on January 1, why HOPE needed to my 2018 word. 

As I thought over the past year, I was happy with goals that I reached. But it was also a hard year. There were a lot of frustrations, a lot of dark times, a lot of struggles. They had to do with a variety of things... the divorce, job searches, being a single-mom and even other little unimportant things.

During those times, I was often in a bad mood. Angry, hurt, depressed. Whether or not I confided with anyone about what was going on, it usually showed through my actions. In fact, I can point to more than one occasion, when someone was trying to cheer me up, I literally said out loud I would rather be in a bad mood. It felt easier. I wanted the sympathy, I wanted to dwell in my self-pity. I wanted to be in the bad mood. But I also know that's not healthy. 

One of these occasions was when I was lamenting about hitting the deer and having to deal with all the car insurance stuff. Well my mom - ever the optimist - wasn't going to let me get away with it. She immediately told me to take out a piece of paper and start writing down the things we were all thankful for as a family. Week-long visits from Meg. That I wasn't hurt in the accident. Being employed. Having a washer and dryer. Strawberries (Jacob's). 

While it takes a shift in mindset to do this sort of thing, it always makes you feel better about your current situation. This, I realized, is what I need to be better at in 2018. 

I'm still going to have bad days, struggles, stress. I'm still going to feel overwhelmed or resentful sometimes. That will never change. But what I can change, is how I choose to look at those situations. Or how I choose to focus on gratitude instead. 

When looking at the definition of HOPE, you may think that the word OPTIMISTIC might be a better word for what I'm trying to achieve. And while that is a word I'll try to focus on as well, I think HOPE is more encompassing. 

During those dark times when nothing seems to be going right, I can be hopeful that it might be a learning experience I need. And maybe even try to see what that lesson might be right then. During times of anger or resentment, I can hope for things to change. And if I'm focusing on hope for things to change, I'm probably going to be putting in more effort to make those things change. 

This is not where I saw my life taking me. And in all honestly, I'm not at a place I want to be at. I want more (even if I don't know what that is most days...). HOPE is my reminder that there can be more, will be more. HOPE is my reminder to have a better outlook on life, on specific situations. And HOPE is my trust in God and His plans for my life.  

2017: The Year of Liz

It's time to say goodbye to 2017. When I started the year, I was determined to make 2017 the year of me. While there is no way I could possibly pick one word to describe the past year, I will deem it a success in terms of following through with my 2017 word of the year: me. 

But first, a recap of the year...

One thing I decided to do was to track how each day went - just a quick snapshot. I had seen the idea on Pinterest and wanted to give it a try. Then I got an email with this Bible Journaling tracker from Illustrated Faith and adjusted it to my needs. :) My scale was really great, good, okay, not good, really bad. On top of this page, I added the quote: "Just remember, even your worst day only lasts 24 hours". Such a good reminder. As I look back on this now, I can definitely pinpoint some of those pink and blue and tell you exactly what happened on those days. But overall, the year was good! 

January

In January, I volunteered helping tear down the Kiwanis Holiday Lights. We did a lot of lifting and removing of trees. It was a good workout! I also visited the Luther Exhibit at MIA for Reformation 500 with Christ the King. That was really neat. I also shared that incredibly hard blog post about making the divorce situation. I personally write these blog posts as a reminder for me of what's happening in life and something I can go back and read through. So sometimes I'm surprised by the comments that other people actually read these too! :) That being said, for that blog post, I was met with an overwhelming feeling of support, love, encouragement, and kind words. It was a feeling that filled my heart. And at the same time, I felt like a little piece of me was taken away every time someone read/liked/commented on the post. Those were very personal things to share and so those two mix of feelings were interesting. 

I also had the fun experience of kidney stones! Well, I guess technically, it was just one... That was something else. So much pain! Seriously, I remember labor feeling better than this. However, I will say that having kidney stones made me drink water like I have never drank water before. And because of that, I was able to give up drinking pop. That was a really great feeling. But the kidney stones stuck around. I ended up getting a CT at the beginning of February because I was still having pain. It was there they discovered the 3mm kidney stone - too small to do anything. To be completely honest, I'm not even sure when the kidney stone went away. The pain just finally stopped one day. 

On January 21, I participated in the Women's March in the Twin Cities. It was an amazing and historical event to be a part of. In St. Paul alone, there were over 90K people! It was empowering! A day I will not soon forget! However... I was still dealing with the kidney stone at this point. And this was pretty much a full day of walking and on my feet and definitely not enough water. That night, I was in so much pain. It was honestly the worst. I needed all of Sunday to recover. 

As for Jacob, he had his first dentist appointment since moving back to Minnesota. It did not go well. Haha. Jacob and I switched bedrooms so that he would have a dedicated play space and I could move some toys out of the living room and into his bedroom. He also started "big boy" swimming lessons - meaning no parents in the pool. He rocked it. 

February

In February, Jacob started his winter ECFE classes and I loved seeing how much his play experience changes as he gets older and his imagination grows. Jacob also got registered for his first year of preschool. And he got to spend a long weekend in Iowa at the end of the month - something he always enjoys. 

February also included our tax appointment with H&R Block, signing my portion of the divorce papers, buying a new mattress and no longer sleeping on the waterbed, a small blizzard, a successful 5th Annual Pedal Past Poverty and my Grandpa being placed on hospice care. 

March

In March, I decided to take some control over my health and I joined Weight Watchers. I had previously done this through GE, where I didn't have to pay, and really enjoyed it. I convinced myself it was worth it to sign up again because I got a new free Fitbit with my sign up! :) I got a flat tire on my car, which my dad graciously came and put on the spare for me... only to end up in the hospital that evening which was the start of some unknown medical issues! I felt pretty bad about making him change my tire!! There was also some crazy weather! On one day, it was 69 degrees with thunderstorms and then it snowed overnight! 

I sang the Holden Evening Prayer for some of the Lent services at church. We celebrated Austin's birthday a little early and took Jacob bowling for the first time. We also had a chance to visit my Grandpa. I spent a day in St. Paul for Homeless Day on the Hill, advocating for bills that support ending homelessness. It was a great day, a lot of learning and a lot of walking! 

In March, we also dropped Austin off at treatment and helped his parents move him out of his apartment. Those were hard things to do. We were able to visit him the day before his birthday which was good. 

April

April was a tough, tough month. It started with a lot of singing. A Hymn Festival at church, followed by Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter. I also spent about a day and half in South Dakota for the family program and Austin's treatment, which was emotional. The day after that, I was standing in a courtroom while our divorce was finalized. Austin finished treatment at the end of the week and was back in Mankato. 

During Holy Week, my Grandpa also passed away. While we knew it was coming, it does not make it any easier. He had a military burial at Fort Snelling and the next day we had a beautiful service followed by some much needed family time at the farm. Spending some time remembering him and sharing memories and learning even more about him was something I'll always treasure. 

I ended the month purchasing a new car! My plan was to spend a little extra on the car and this would be a good car I take care of and drive for a long time. (Apparently, my plan was not to survive... ha!) I purchased a 2014 Honda CR-V and I absolutely loved it. It was the perfect size, drove great and got decent gas mileage. 

May

This month started with a new fundraiser event at work. It was a lot of work and a lot of fun and a lot of lessons learned. The day after the event, I was so sore from all the set up and clean up! But it was a good experience. 

Jacob spent a little bit of time in the tractor, helping plant, but he also got his hand caught in the tractor door one night which probably took away some of the fun. :( He was also dealing with an ear infection. On the plus side, he had a great time singing at church with the Rainbow room and did great attending two church services while I was the only one there with him (no extra help!). 

I enjoyed quite a few days of rain and thunderstorms this month. And I also increased my exercise, trying to do more walking. I also accomplished walking the huge outdoor stairs on the School Sisters of Notre Dame campus! While Jacob spent the last weekend in Iowa, I gave myself a "me" day which included a massage and catching up on some TV shows, followed by a much needed mini girls weekend in the Twin Cities with two close friends. 

June

Halfway through the year. It was surprisingly low-key. We spent as much time as we could outdoors - Sibley Park and Minneopa. We enjoyed the Battle of the Bands parade in Lake Crystal and celebrated Jacob's birthday with a big dinosaur party! We also took Jacob to his first movie at the theater - something he really loved. I also went to a Twins game with Dan and Josh. 

There were some low days with mixed feelings of sadness, guilt, not being good enough, feeling like a failure, wanting more than what was possible... But I was also reminded that Jacob truly is the light of my life and can make even my darkest days brighter. 

Dad's (then unknown) health issues started at the end of the month and made for a few stressful weeks. 

July

The first couple of weeks were spent worrying about dad, in and out of the hospital, some scary episodes and trying to figure out what was going on. Finally, after getting transferred to Rochester, they found the problem and got it fixed. It was a huge relief. 

We spent the 4th of July weekend in Iowa, having another birthday party for Jacob. Austin and I started to have some rough patches and decided it was time for us to continue our lives separately. We started focusing everything on Jacob. 

Jacob had another dentist appointment, which he did better at, but still had some tears. We also took him to see a play, the Little Mermaid, at MSU, which he loudly asked questions the whole way through. Haha! We went to some parades and Jacob did VBS at church the last week in July. 

I also spent a weekend working at TEC - Teens Encounter Christ - as an Adult Table Leader. It was a great experience and something I hope to do again! Big props to my parents for all the help with Jacob while I was gone. 

August

Jacob got to spend some more time in Iowa in August. While he was gone, we had a day of freezing corn, which let me tell you, it not nearly as much when you only have three people working! We spent more time outside, going for walks and bike rides. Jacob and I even went camping in the backyard one night! 

We took a family vacation up north, where it was a little chilly. But we managed to have a nice relaxing time and even spent some time out boating. We ended the month with a trip to the State Fair, which included staying late for a Pentatonix concert with Meg! It was a super fun day!! 

Jacob got officially registered for for preschool and I accepted a new job offer! A job with more pay and benefits! Imagine that! :) 

September

I had to tell the PAH team I was leaving for a new job, which was not fun. Hard to say goodbye to such a great group of people. 

Jacob had his preschool conference and a preschool screening and had no major concerns. He started preschool and after just a tough first day, really enjoyed going to school. I started my new job and my second season at Fun.com. We had a great day for grape harvest and a very successful harvest as well! Jacob also started at a temporary daycare while his current provider had a new baby! Jacob and I survived a week on our own while my parents took a vacation. Jacob started swimming lessons again and we had a very enjoyable day at the Children's Museum for their Harvest Festival. I also started to work on Jacob's Halloween costume. 

October

October was pretty much a blur. Most of my time seemed to be spent working - at the new job and at Fun.com. I did manage a weekend in the Twin Cities for a Harry Potter pub crawl which was so much fun. Jacob spent some time in Iowa and we got some new family pictures taken (that I have still not uploaded to Facebook...). I also spent some time resting up after getting sick and losing my voice. Jacob spent as much time as possible in the combine. Jacob went trick or treating at the mall as a Dinosaur/Frank the Combine. :)

November

The month of November started out great as I was able to attend the YWCA Women's Leadership Conference. It was two inspiring days surrounded by women of our community. Jacob got to finish up combining the rest of the corn. There was quite a bit of singing at church this month too - I'm definitely not complaining. ;) 

I had some struggles this month, as a single mom. It can just be hard sometimes. Jacob's bedtime also became much worse and I really struggled with how to deal with that. I needed to find some consistency for him and set some hard rules. We started a routine. Jacob also had a tablet-free week the week of Thanksgiving, and I was very proud of him for doing that. 

I got myself a new tattoo, a daily reminder to "let go and let God". I love it. I also noted in my planner that November 14th was the first family dinner we had (this includes Jacob, myself, Nana and Papa) in over a month! Fall is always a busy time. November was also the month I said goodbye to my car, after hitting the 16 pointer. That was not fun. I spent the rest of the month dealing with insurance payments, warranty refunds and searching for a new car - something I absolutely did not want to do. 

Thanksgiving was good - too much food, not enough time with family. :) I hate how those holiday weekends always go by too fast. Luckily, Meg did come down for a whole week so it was nice having her around. 

December

The final month. I started the month by purchasing (another) car. I decided to stick with what I knew and bought the exact same car, same year, just different color and a little more miles. Seemed easiest. :) Jacob spent a few days up north with Nana and Papa, visiting Meg and just taking some time to relax. He also got to spend two weekends in Iowa this month, which he just loved! 

Jacob had a Xmas program at church, where he didn't really sing much. He also had a Xmas program at preschool, where he also didn't sing much. :) But he was super excited to show me around his classroom at school and tell me where everything happens. 

We had the Christmas Cantata at church with the Worship Choir and I also agreed to sing at the church services for Christmas Eve. In total, I made it to five services on Christmas Eve. I also got a haircut and for the first time I can remember, was not happy with it. I ended up calling and asking to get it fixed, which they did. Still not great, but better. Good thing hair grows. :) I also had a chance to hang out with some high school friends who I don't see nearly often enough - even though some of us live in the same town! Life with little kids is hard. I also gained some new political experience. My aunt is currently running for state representative and I'm helping out on her campaign. It's been super interesting so far. 

And then it was Christmas, which I already wrote a post about so I won't repeat that here. :) 

The Year of Liz 

I wanted 2017 to be the year of me. The year of Liz. The year of self-care. I struggled with this sometimes, having to define what self-care looked like for me. I stayed true to myself on keeping up with my list of accomplishments and self-care measures. I want to share with you what some of my goals were and what made my list of "wins". 

Goals:

• Commit to a healthier lifestyle; lose some weight 
• Buy a new car
• Get hair cut/styled more often
• Look for a greater job opportunity 
• Become more financially secure
• Continue to pay down debt
• Take time to play with Jacob 
• Read more books 
• Love myself and who I am

2017 Year of Liz Wins

• Stopped drinking pop (for nine months...)
• Stayed on a budget, able to put money away in savings
• Participated in the Women's March
• Starting saving towards retirement again
• Got a new mattress & then a new bedding set 
• Organized/cleaned out a number of boxes that haven't been unpacked for months/years
• Bought a new car!!
• Got a massage :) 
• Saved $90 in $5 bills from January - May
• Lost 20lbs - about halfway to my goal 
• Paid off ALL credit cards!!!! 
• Worked a TEC weekend as an ATL
• Started dating; taking time for me
• Accepted a new job offer with increase pay and benefits; negotiated for a higher pay even
• Went to a Pentatonix concert with Meg
• Got my tattoo
• Upgraded my 10+ year old wallet (sometimes, it's the little things!)
• Bought (another) new car... :-/ 
• Updated my wardrobe 
• Read a total of 43 books 
• Volunteering on a political campaign 

Looking back over the past year, there were plenty of lows but I think even more highs. There were things that I wish I would have done differently but am committed to learning from my mistakes. All things considering, I think I did probably the best I could making 2017 the year of Liz. And I'm ready to have the same sort of success as I look forward to 2018.