Self-Care

I recently made myself go back and re-read my blog post from right after the new year. The post where I declared 2017 as the "Year of ME". Maybe I should set myself a calendar reminder to read it each week. 

Recently, I've been struggling with the idea of self-care. I had an amazing conversation with a beautiful and strong cousin of mine who made a point to call me out on this. She said "2017 is the year of Liz - make sure you're doing that!" And it made me step back and take a look at the past few months and ask myself: Have I been doing all that I hoped to do? All that I want to do? All that I need to do? 

Just a few days later, my mom and I were talking about how we each lack in self-care but need to prioritize it. (At least I now know where I get it from...hehe) I mentioned that I don't know what simple things I can be doing to help improve my self-care. Like yes, taking a relaxing bubble bath is nice but doesn't necessarily stop me from continuing to think about everything else going on. I don't know what my self-care practices should be. My mom - ever so wise - countered my thoughts and said "maybe your self-care needs to look bigger". Her examples? Continuing to pay off my debt, look into getting a "new" car, continuing to protect myself and Jacob financially, determining what my new relationship with Austin is... 

The very next day, I was once again amazed with God's timing. The weekly messaging for Weight Watchers was literally about self-care. The cover - "Take good care of yourself". And while yes, this message was geared towards losing weight, I picked up the overall message. 

Liz, get your self-care in order. 

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to write out what I want my self-care to look like. I'm going to write down the things I'm committing to do for a better me. While I have a general idea in my head, writing them down always make it seem more real. Honestly, I should write them down here for you all to see, but I'm still scared of doing that. Maybe someday. But if you're willing to help me - call me out. Ask me about my self care. Ask me how my list is looking. Am I accomplishing what I want? Am I sticking with my self-care? 

And since part of my "year of ME" is to try and be a better friend - let me ask you! What are you doing for self-care? Is there anything that I can help you with? Please, let me know. I'm here. 


**Edit: True to my word, I went to go write my list and look what I found! Apparently I had already started a list of what I've accomplished so far in 2017! I should post this somewhere I can see it every day. Also, that blurred out picture (because I'm not ready to share yet!), that's my list for self-care. Something else I need to make sure I see every day. 

Stand in the Rain

The past week.... has sucked. I feel run-down. I feel defeated. I feel low. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. 

At the beginning of last week, I was in South Dakota, visiting Austin at Keystone as part of the family program. While Austin has been working the program and putting a lot of effort into this recovery, it was still a hard day. A lot of information to process. A lot of stories to hear from other families. A lot of your own personal feelings to process. 

I feel hopeful for Austin's recovery at this point but was also reminded about how fragile it is and how easily it could still slip away. I feel grateful that Austin's addiction wasn't to anything harder or his journey more difficult, but still must remember that he is just as sick. I feel unsettled at the thought of how to put our lives back together with Austin sober. I feel hopeless when wondering how to start the process of trusting Austin again. 

The family program was two days but I could only stay on Monday. After 12 hours at Keystone, I made it home shortly before midnight. Tuesday morning I was at the justice center, in front of a judge, explaining why my marriage was not repairable. 

Ironically, after spending the day with Austin at Keystone and seeing him take responsibility for his addiction and sobriety, I started to feel hopeful about our future together. Maybe this could work. I no longer felt that we were at our lowest point. So while I had that hope in my heart, I still logically knew the divorce needed to happen. The biggest reasons being Jacob and financial security. 

The judge said he's sign off on the papers later that day. We were officially divorced. 

On Wednesday morning, I got a message from my dad around 9:00am, my Grandpa R. had passed away. He had been on hospice care since February so while the death was not a big surprise, it was a loss all the same. Luckily, I had been up to see him just a week before but was really hoping to make it up there once more before he passed. But Grandpa was ready to go. And the one thought that keeps running though my head is how happy he must be to be with Grandma again. 

On top of all that, it was of course Holy Week which meant that with a Mom as a pastor and as a member of the church choir, it was a busy second half of the week. Austin also completed treatment at Keystone and moved back to Mankato to the House of Hope, a halfway house where he'll live and continue outpatient treatment. 

Every day feels like I'm just going through the motions. Doing what I need to do to get by, but not much more. With still so much going on at work and taking care of Jacob, I feel like I can't afford to "waste time" mourning the loss of my marriage, wondering about the future with Austin or even properly grieving for my Grandpa. Everything happened so quickly together that I haven't had time or I haven't let myself process all those feelings I know are inside somewhere. Honestly, I'm not even sure how to process these feelings. 

Last Wednesday, as I drove to church for choir practice, it was raining and the song "Stand in the Rain" by SuperChick came across my playlist. You know when you find that song that perfectly describes your current life or a current moment in life, this was that for me. I listened to it on repeat the whole way to church and I think the whole way home. 

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

Messes

Do you ever feel like your life is just one big mess? That is the current state of my life right now. Or at least, it feels that way.

When I say mess, I don’t just mean in terms of relationships, situations, etc. Although that is certainly true. But there are literally messes everywhere. Boxes and tubs in the garage that need to be sorted and stored. Old clothing and toys set aside to be sold or donated. Piles of mail hiding under some open boxes of Peeps. Toys all over the living room that a three year old refuses to pick up. Pieces of cut up string on the floor from that same three year old.

These messes certainly don’t help with my mental state. But I feel like I just have no time. Every day is busy. Work, ECFE classes, visiting grandparents, church and choir practice, visiting AJ in South Dakota. It feels nonstop. (Just for the record, none of these things feel a burden or something I don’t want to do, it just becomes a lot) AJ mentioned on the phone tonight that I sounded sad every time we talk. I don’t know about sad as much as exhausted.

Acting as a single mom is tough. But then I look at my life and I think – but I’m not really a single mom. I live with my parents. They are amazing grandparents and help out probably way more than they should. Plus, I only have one kid. Other moms who really are single and doing this all alone have more than one kid and they manage. So who am I to complain, right? And then, if we’re going to be real honest, I get jealous of those other moms because I never wanted just one kid. But then my mind is back to who am I kidding, I can barely handle the one.

Oh Jacob. This kid. He is truly the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. He is the sweetest, kindest, cutest, funniest, cleverest kid. He can be the biggest handful one minute and the next, the biggest cuddle bug! Let’s continue with our recent  bedtime struggles. Tonight was the same “Cuddle mommy little bit”. Crying those big crocodile tears. Breaking my heart. Finally, after giving in, I went into Jacob’s bedroom and told him we could cuddle (in mommy’s bed) for five minutes. After some time – more than five minutes – this was our conversation:

“Jacob, are you ready to go to your bed yet?”
“Not yet”
“Okay, one more minute”
*Jacob counting on his fingers silently* “How about four minutes?”
*Admiring his smooth negotiation skills… “Three more minutes”
“Okay!”

And the mom guilt. Oh the mom guilt. I feel so selfish for just wanting some time to myself to look through my phone and stretch out on my bed. Especially after basically ignoring him all evening – many evenings – while getting things done. And then I think about how Jacob’s life might not make much sense to him right now. His daddy isn’t around, he can’t go to Daddy’s apartment, we have to drive hours to visit him… and the guilt kicks in again. I think about how he won’t want to cuddle forever so what’s a few nights now? And the kid knows how to work the system. At just the right time he’ll say “we need to hug again” and when I ask why he says “because I love you”. Ugh. Seriously. :) 

Even work feels like a mess right now. Piles of paper everywhere. Tasks that need to be done as soon as possible. Event details that need to be completed. Organizing old files and updating new ones. I could go on. Normally when my life feels messy, it’s normally either work or personal. Not both at the same time.

But both it is. Too much to do. Not enough time. Mess. Chaos. Flustered.

If I’m being completely honest, there have been little victories and good things that have happened recently. But I have a hard time focusing on those. Why is that? Why do we always focus on the bad? Why is that easier?

Looking back and reading over this post, it doesn’t sound like I have that much going on. I feel like I can’t even explain to you why my life feels like such a mess. Reading this, I feel like “eh, that’s not much, you should be fine”. But instead, I still feel stuck in this mess. Am I exaggerating these messes to myself? Or am I now fully allowing myself to dig deep and determine what all these messes are?

Or maybe I'm making more of a mess for myself. When Jacob I switched bedrooms, I went through all the boxes we had in his room. Got rid of a lot of stuff, condensed boxes and was feeling really good. But now that I have additional boxes to go through, I feel like I need to get shelves so that the boxes aren't just stacked on one another. And I should really go through the boxes I have that have some high school stuff in them... it seems daunting and never-ending. 

Life is messy. And as I write this, listening to my toddler screaming from his room, wanting to cuddle, I feel resigned. Defeated. Tired. But Jacob cuddles are normally good at helping with those feelings. :)