February is my least favorite month...

February sucks. I've never really had a least favorite month, but I think February is rising to that spot. 

Two years ago, in February, Austin took his life. That day will forever be one of the worst days of my life. It changed everything. It altered our future. 

Leading up to the start of February, I could feel this thing lurking behind me, something big, dark, heavy. It would move closer every day. I could feel a physical, mental and emotional shift happening to me. 

I can only assume this is grief. 

And this grief feels like it's literally clinging to my back, weighing me down. I can feel the extra weight, exhausting my already drained body. It sits in my brain like a heavy fog, making my mind think a mile a minute of all the 'what ifs' while at the same time, think nothing at all. It's wrapped around my heart, constraining it, leaving me feeling on edge and on the verge of a hundred different emotions at any one minute. 

Add in the fact that February is generally cold, dark and cloudy, well, it's not a good combination. Add in any number of the other worldly events/challenges/disasters/bad news, and it's almost unbearable. 

It's only February 4, and it feels like this month has been dragging on forever. 

So, I could do what sounds easiest, comes easiest. I could write my blog. Pour out my feelings of grief. Sit and wallow in my grief, stay lazy and not doing anything, ignore my real world responsibilities, let things slide for the month. And oh boy, believe me. That is what I would love to do. 

But I shouldn't. I can't. It's not fair to Jacob and it doesn't help me. So what am I going to do? 

I'm going to plan some mini-adventures for Jacob and I. A hotel stay or maybe a visit to Aunt Meg. Get us out of the house on the weekends. Visit new places. Or old places. Spend more one-on-one time with Jacob, playing together or reading together. (Not just allowing screen time while I nap...)

I need to take some breaks from social media. Or at least spend less time on social media, fretting over the state of our nation. I need to start using my Y membership. I need to start using my lunch breaks to walk. Bring Jacob to the Child Watch or Pepsi Rec Room while I start working out. I should start a bedtime yoga routine to help me sleep better. 

Let's see if I can start making some of these changes to get me through the month. And if I do, what's stopping me from continuing them after this month is over?