A recap of Spring

Life continues to move at fast pace around here. I can't believe tomorrow is already June. I can't believe my little man is going to four soon!! 

Work has been crazy. We've been trying to fill some positions for a while and that always keeps things interesting - especially when you work at a small nonprofit. The work never stops. We finished our first ever Hats, Horses & Hope fundraiser. The weather was beautiful and overall, the day was a success. We definitely learned a lot and know what changes we'd make in the future. We also made some money! Which is always helpful when doing a fundraising event. We also found out our Executive Director is leaving for another job. This has been hard to process. We have a great team, a great energy and a lot of passion. In the close to 2 years that I've been with PAH, our executive director has been a major point in all of that. While I'm happy for her new job opportunity, I am also incredibly sad. And while I had hoped the summer would slow down a little, it now appears that I'll be helping get our new executive director started. Like I said, the work never stops. :) 

Personally, life has been.... _____. Who knows. Fill in the blank. AJ and I have struggled (I have struggled) some in defining what our relationship looks like now with the divorce. I'm still working through this. I still love him and I still care about him and I still want to support him, but I can't do that as his wife anymore. I'm not sure how to do this yet. 

AJ was recently asked to leave the halfway house he was completing treatment at. This is his story to tell but he found himself without a place to live. Since being at the halfway house, he hasn't been able to come over and visit much and spend much time with Jacob. Most of the time we would see him would be quick visits and almost never at the house. Well the night AJ found himself without a place to live, he came over, played with Jacob and helped put him to bed. That night, I didn't think about sharing anything about what was happening with Jacob. I should have. 

The next morning, he woke up calling for his daddy. When I told him that daddy had to leave last night and was no longer there, Jacob told me "I want to play with daddy. I want to go visit daddy's house soon". Later on the car ride to daycare, Jacob asked me where daddy was, if he was at House of Hope. (We had told Jacob that daddy was living there while he was working on getting better, but nothing more specific). I told him I wasn't sure right now. Then Jacob asked, "Is daddy fixed yet?" 

This broke my heart. It shattered my illusion that I had been successful at protecting Jacob from everything that's been happening. It caused me to question if I've been doing any of this right with Jacob. How much do you tell a three year old? How much detail do you go into? How do you tell him his parents aren't together anymore? I don't have the answers for any of these questions. But Jacob has not been oblivious. 

AJ was able to go stay with his parents for awhile and has found a place to live, is looking for a job and to get back into an outpatient treatment program. But he's no longer in the area. And we have to figure out how to explain this to Jacob. 

Luckily, Jacob was able to go spend some time in Iowa over the Memorial Day weekend with his daddy, cousin Evie and Nana and Papa Z. It sounds like they all had a blast and that Jacob and Evie played hard together! I also think that Jacob really enjoyed the time with just his daddy around - I know AJ did. :) 

I spent the holiday weekend on my self-care. Indulging in some foods I've been trying to avoid in order to eat healthier, catching up on movies I've been wanting to see and TV shows that are impossible to watch with a toddler running around. :) I even got a massage on Saturday and it was wonderful heaven. On Sunday I got to see some cousins who I don't get to see nearly enough and then spent the evening/night in the Twin Cities with two girl friends who I also don't get to see nearly enough. It was a fantastic time to just escape everything for a while, have some fun, but also catch up and have some really great conversations with some really important people to me. 

I think we're looking forward to summer around here and being able to enjoy the warmer weather and spend more time outdoors. Looking back on the past few weeks, Easter was good. We enjoyed having Uncle Dan and Josh and Aunt Megan down, Jacob went on an Easter egg hunt, found his Easter basket from the Easter Bunny and just enjoyed being the center of attention with everyone around. :) My Grandpa's service up at Fort Snelling and the funeral in Mankato were days filled with memories, love, laughter, tears and family. I felt very blessed for such an amazing family. 

I also bought a new car! I finally decided it was time to upgrade and purchased a 2014 Honda CR-V. I'm really loving the extra space and will really enjoy the All-wheel drive this winter! Jacob is also a big fan. :)

Jacob sang really well with his Rainbow Room class for the end of the year. They sang "This little light is mine" and Jacob was front and center! :) However, within the next two days, we were at the doctor's office battling an ear infection. Jacob was not a fan of his medicine! But bribery works. Ha!! 

Mother's Day was a great day. Jacob did a great job sitting through two church services while I sang. We enjoyed a nice meal with some family and spent the day just enjoying each other's company. :) I am so blessed to be Jacob's mother. He may push my buttons more often than not, but I wouldn't change him for the world! I love that kid. 

Step Four

I went back to Al-Anon tonight (Friday) after missing a couple of weeks. And as is normal when I go to Al-Anon, I hear exactly what I need to hear. At this particular meeting, we read from each book the day’s reading and then anyone can share.

After the readings and a few others shared, I decided to share. And it was while I was talking that I had this realization. The past two weeks that I missed were Good Friday and then my Grandpa’s burial in the Cities. In the past two weeks, I’ve been struggling with how to process my feelings, my thoughts about everything, everything going on. I recently shared that I need to do better with my self-care, my self-love. The thing that was missing during those two weeks? Going to Al-Anon. Doing the daily readings. Working the program myself. Relying on my higher power as I understand him.

It was crazy the feeling of calm I felt sitting back in that room tonight for the meeting. I realized that there were many times in the past two weeks that I’ve looked at the books on my nightstand and tell myself I should read today’s readings, but never get to it. I realized tonight that a big part of my new self-care needs to include Al-Anon and the program.

Maybe you’re familiar with the 12 Steps of AA and Al-Anon and maybe you’re not, but let me share them here with you.

Twelve Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

© Al-Anon's Twelve Steps, copyright 1996 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.

Through the program, in Al-Anon specifically speaking, I work through these steps myself. I admit I’m powerless. I admit that I have wrongdoings. I admit that I have shortcomings. I ask God for His help for me. I pray for the power of understanding of His will for me.

Did you catch the common factor here?

Me. I.

And this is where I currently am. Recognizing that part of my self-care is really digging deep to determine who I am as a person. I am not responsible for anyone else’s actions. I am not responsible for anyone else’s choices. I am not in charge of anyone else. (Jacob – for the time being -  excluded from this ☺️) I must be me. 

Looking back at the First Step, it took coming to Al-Anon to really admit this. I always knew it but didn’t want to admit it and therefore didn’t believe it. Coming to Al-Anon, doing the readings, talking with others, it became easier to accept. I still have to constantly remind myself of this. But I accept it.

Steps Two and Three were easy for me. I’ve always had a great relationship with God and have been working on a closer relationship recently through Bible journaling. These two steps were easy to accept.

Step Four. Oh step four. This is where I’m stuck. This is where my fear is holding me back.

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

I am afraid. I am afraid to dig deep. I am afraid of what I’ll find. I’m afraid to see who I am individually. I’m afraid to find my faults, my wrongs, my shortcomings.

I’ve stayed on this step for a while. I haven’t even tried. But I realized if I’m serious about 2017 being the Year of ME, then I need to complete Step Four.

Maybe if I’m really brave enough, I’ll share this journey with you at some point. But for now, I’m going to work on Step Four. I’m going to do the daily readings. I’m going to keep going to meetings. And I’m going to keep looking at the list I made the other day with my other self-care needs.

“It may not be the answer I want, but I have to remember that it may be what I need.”