Letting Go & Moving On?

"I think sometimes you might just need an annual reminder..." 

Well, I called that one. 

It's strange to think back to when I first posted this quote, back in 2017. Before AJ died. Divorce must have been a part of the conversation at that point. But I wonder what was my mindset at the time? What was I needing to let go of and move on? 

In 2018, it makes more sense why I shared the quote. AJ had died. Everything had changed. 

But reading that quote again today, on what could have been 12 years of marriage, and after I've been putting in the hard work of really figuring out how to let go and move on, it hits differently. 

I know that I've come leaps and bounds and I am incredibly proud of all the work I have done so far. But this moving on part? It is so incredibly painful. To truly let it all go and move on, move forward... that's hard. And scary. Especially when you don't know what moving on looks like. Or not knowing even what you might want it to look like. 

Maybe that's why I'm struggling. In college, I knew I wanted to graduate, I wanted to get married and start a family. It was a future that made sense and one I could pretty much imagine what it would look like (or so I thought). But then, it was gone. That future that I had imagined. It crashed and burned. And now I see nothing. Before I had the road mapped out essentially, knowing and understanding there would probably be detours. But now its like a whole separate trip and I have no map and no clear visibility on my drive. 

How do you move on when you don't know what to move on to? 

I've let go of a lot over the past year. As difficult as it was. And I can notice the difference in my life. I feel lighter. I feel happier. I feel this new Liz emerging. It's like I've let go of all the balloons that had tethered me to the past and my old dreams. But now I have no idea where to go to get new balloons. 

What do you hope and dream of when all you once hoped and dreamed of have disappeared? How do you create new hopes? New dreams?

I have all these things for Jacob. I have dreams and hopes for him and his future. I have a general route mapped out (and expecting detours) for him at least until he's 18. It's in those hopes and dreams for Jacob that I put my energy into, my focus. It seems easier. 

So how do I get back to me? 

I shared this image above on my 36th birthday, just days ago. See, it was on my 30th birthday that everything I had originally hoped and dreamed for started to fall apart. And on my 36th birthday, I finally admitted to some of the things I was still holding on to. That last balloon string. 

So where do I go from here? How do I take that next step forward when it feels like taking a step forward in complete darkness, not knowing what lies ahead? Do I search for the courage to just blindly step forward? Or do I stay still a little bit longer, searching for some sort of new map? 

Happy 8th Birthday Jacob!

Happy Birthday to my amazing, sweet, creative, silly and curious boy. Today you are 8! (How is this possible??)

I'm still in a bit of shock. You recently had your last day of 1st Grade. So of course, we took your traditional "Last Day of School" picture. Then I put that picture next to your picture from the very first day of 1st grade! 

Oh boy. 

I always expect you to seem more grown up after a year of school. But your picture this year? You just look so much more grown up, so much more matured in the face, so much older! 

And so of course, today you turn 8. You are growing much too quickly for my liking. But I also can't deny the pure joy I feel from watching you continue to grow. (Trust me, both things can be true.) 

You, Jacob, are truly, one of a kind. 

You are smart. You are witty. You are curious. You can remember the most random facts of things that interest you. You ask a lot of questions. When we're reading and you don't understand a word, you'll always ask what the word means. Your reading skills have continue to skyrocket and you can understand and comprehend what you are reading. Some of your favorite books right now are the Dog Man series, the Bad Guy series, the Dragon Masters series and the Chocolate Touch. You also enjoy reading the Sunday comics and reading my text messages on my phone over my shoulder. :) 

You still love to cuddle. Always wanting to sit right next to me or someone else when we watch TV or are reading books. You are such a lovable cuddle-bug! You like to give "Ultimate Hugs" (a big hug that lasts at least five second!). You still enjoy making us do group hugs in the morning before we all leave for the day or when we're done visiting family. 

You like playing games - UNO with the the Zaruba family on Houseparty, Hungry Hungry Hippos, Trouble, Sorry, Life (you like making up your own rules), Memory. You also like watching me play Sims and sometimes even playing yourself. You love to play Roblox and other games on the tablet. You still enjoy Skylanders on the Wii and DC Lego Super Villains and Lego Harry Potter on the Switch. You also like playing Among Us with Nana and her confirmation kids. You even like to play pretend Among Us (and now Pirate Battles) where you basically narrate how the game plays out. 

Your current obsession is Outer Space. You love all things space and galaxy and stars and planets. You know all the planets, you know their order. You know what each planet is like. You know about other universes and giant stars and I don't even know what else! But you do! You visited the planetarium with Nana and Meg earlier this year and kept answering the guide's questions, while adding in your own facts. We borrowed an inflatable set of the planets from the library and you spread them out across the kitchen, dining room and living room to show us how far apart the planets were from the sun. You have an app on the tablet where you can zoom into the smallest thing in our universe, all the way to the largest known universe. You talk about being a scientist when you're older and discovering new planets. You don't want to visit outer space, but want to do all your exploring behind a large telescope - a great big one you'll build that will see far far away. 

You are a practical joker - like your dad. You love playing jokes on people, like hiding somewhere to jump out and scare me. You even fooled Nana and Papa TWICE this past year on losing some loose teeth! You love to tell jokes. You are so funny, especially when you crack yourself up and can't stop laughing. And your laugh and giggle are the absolute best. They always make me smile and laugh along with you! Sometimes I can't get over just how witty you are! 

You also have some great acting talents. At Christmas, you played Ceasar in the church program and absolutely nailed the part! Best performance ever! You have amazing facial expressions and have great inflections in your voice. I can definitely see you as a theater kid once you get to high school and beyond - much like both your parents.  

You still tend to favor the bad guys over anything else, but your favorite current superhero is Aquaman. 

You enjoy numbers and math. You love numbers like infinity or google. You really do have some strong math skills for your age, even learning some basic multiplication. Your favorite subject in school this past year was STEM, which is not surprising to me at all. 

Your imagination still amazes me. It's so incredible to hear you use your imagination and many times you'll bring us along in your imagination. The stories that you come up with and tell are so good we should be writing them down! Sometimes when you're walking around, you're playing a movie through your imagination. You are such a joy to watch and so fun to listen to. Although you generally don't like it when we sit and watch and listen as you're walking around. :) 

I think one of my favorite things from the past year was watching you grow more social and making new friends at school. You really are growing up. 

I'm looking forward to the next year as we discover what the world looks like post-COVID and going on some big adventures with you. I can't wait to see how much you grow and learn over the next 365 days. 

You are my shining light, my little heat warmer, my giggling cuddle bug, my goofy kidder, my smart boy, my absolute favorite. I love you ultimate. Happy Birthday, Jacob! 

My Therapy Experience

For so long, it seemed that the topic of therapy was one of those hushed subjects. Yeah, it's happening, but we don't talk about it. We don't share our experience about it. Maybe people were ashamed to admit they were in therapy. 

I'm sure there is research out there on why this was, but I'm not really concerned about that. What I do want to focus on is that this point of view is turning. 

It's becoming more and more common, more mainstream, to talk about therapy. To share that you're in therapy, to share how therapy is helping you. To not be ashamed about the fact you're in therapy. To encourage others to seek therapy when necessary.

This has been my own personal experience as well. I have been in and out of therapy since I was a teen. I don't think it was anything I really talked about much, especially while in high school. But throughout school, after college, in my marriage, through a divorce and a sudden loss, raising a kid as a single mom, I have been in therapy. 

But here's what I've recently realized... 

A majority of the time I was in therapy, I was doing it wrong. I was in therapy because of some event or series of feelings I was struggling with. And when whatever that thing/feeling/event was done, I would stop therapy until the next time I felt I needed some extra help. And maybe saying that this was the wrong way to do therapy isn't fair, maybe it's what works for some people. But for me, I realized I wasn't reaching the full potential of benefits from on and off therapy. 

This on and off version of therapy was especially prevalent when I moved back to Minnesota and started therapy. In that instance, it was supposed to be couples therapy for AJ and I, to do together. To help work through the issues we were facing in our marriage. Very quickly however, it became a mostly solo therapy experience. AJ would still come to a few sessions, but it overall it was my therapy, not our couples therapy. 

There are many reasons we didn't follow through with the couples therapy and they're really not important here. However, I am glad I continued to seek therapy because while we had issues in our marriage, there were still plenty of things I could work on by myself - to help with our marriage and just on myself in general.

But here's the pattern I fell into: something would happen; I would schedule a therapy session immediately/soon after; I would attend a few weeks of therapy, mostly discussing whatever that event was that triggered the first appointment; I would stop going to therapy; something would happen; I would schedule a therapy session immediately/soon after; I would attend a few weeks of therapy..... You get the picture. 

I started joking with my therapist the first time she would see me again after a break in our sessions - "Well, you're never going to guess what happened now." 

But over the past year or so, I stuck with the therapy. I quit waiting for some bomb to drop and instead scheduled regular sessions with my therapist. And this truly has made all the difference in the world. 

I still have events that happen in life or instances where I get triggered, and I absolutely discuss those in therapy. But in between all of that, I have really and truly begun to work on myself, to learn how to be a better version of myself and live a more full life. And it has been the most rewarding experience. 

I have committed to putting in the hard work to examine myself, to process every single one of my feelings and to determine what it all means. Instead of just focusing on techniques in how to respond to trauma, I have focused on techniques to change me as a person and one better prepared to walk into those trauma-inducing situations. I have learned and discovered things about myself that I either forgotten or didn't know. I feel better about myself as a whole. I can recognize my various feelings and emotions on a different level. I can appreciate the fact that sometimes you gotta push through those really hard feelings to get to the other side. 

Now when I get done with a therapy session, I often feel accomplished. I've either had a great discussion about some sort of revelation or I walk away with the next item on my to-do list of personal things to work on. It's like I can look and see this future me. Someone who is happier, someone who is more free, someone who is prepared to handle whatever life throws at them, someone who loves the me I am. 

Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of work ahead. And a lot of that is probably a continuous journey. But it's not a journey I'm afraid to take. I only have this one life here on earth. I want to make sure that I'm doing everything I can to make this life a good one. 

Therapy gives me a place to do the work and the tools I need. And I'm grateful. 

The Month of February

 February is here. Never in my life, before 2018, did I hate a month. But I hate February. 

Stepping into this month, flipping the calendar over, starting the new month is something I dread. There is a physical, emotional and mental shift that takes place in me. And it's not some small change, it feels very large and heavy and black. Suddenly I'm carrying around this 50 pound weight of grief and it's like I've been switched on to an ultra-sensitive mode. Everything seems to be a trigger. 

I can't concentrate, I don't want to be around people, I can't focus on my work, I'm short with Jacob, I can't fall asleep at night and I want to sleep the day away. It feels like there's an iron ball in my chest, making it hard to take a deep breath. I feel like I'm perpetually hunched over with the weight of grief on my shoulders. And my mind is constantly running through thoughts while at the same time, being stuck on a static channel. I can feel the tears, right behind my eyes. 

This February will be three year since AJ left us. 

--- 

I wrote that top portion at the beginning of the month. I knew what was coming. I knew February 23 would arrive, whether I wanted it to or not. I spent all of February dreading that day.

And then it was here. After much debating about what to do for the day, I finally decided on some self-care. About mid-morning I found myself thinking "you know, maybe this day isn't so bad. Maybe I put too much weight on this day. Why should I let it have this power over me? Why don't I just change my mindset?" I could hear my therapist cheering me on in my head. :) 

And for most of the day, I was able to keep that mindset. I really started to think that maybe this day didn't have to be so bad. And if this day didn't have to be so bad, that meant the whole month of February doesn't need to be that bad. 

Until about 4pm. And it was like suddenly, I hit a wall of grief. I can't remember exactly what time it was three years ago, but I know it was late afternoon when I was told at my office there were some sheriff deputies waiting to talk to me. I know it was late afternoon when I was told that AJ had taken his own life. 

I was done with the day. I wanted to crawl into bed and let the rest of this awful day pass me by. And I am so grateful to my parents who one, not only made this possible by taking over Jacob duty but two, allowed me to do what I needed in this moment. 

I'm going to be real honest here and say that the month of February has been really shitty as a whole. I spent the month struggling. I was sad, I was depressed, I was angry. I struggled through what my therapist pointed out to me was probably a depressive episode. I struggled with the fact that AJ killed himself. I felt overwhelmed by stress at work because of the combination of the shear number of projects I had going and the fact that it took every ounce of energy I had to concentrate enough to do those projects. I ended up at urgent care one day because of a rash on my arm just to be told that I had shingles. And I had to make some hard personal decisions. 

It's been shit. I spent most of the month off social media because I already had so much anger and sadness inside of me that I couldn't handle to know what else was going on in the world. I couldn't handle the nonsense and ignorance. I had no energy to argue with people on Facebook about politics - me! (haha) 

Slowly I've started to reenter the world of social media. And that anger is only burning brighter. Maybe it's because I'm grieving and mourning the injustice of losing someone I love in such a horrific way that I feel so angry at all the other injustices our world is facing. I feel so angry that people seem incapable of choosing love over anything else. I feel so angry at the shear lack of empathy and care. I feel so angry at the ignorance and hate. I feel so angry at the stupid political and pointless posts from our elected leaders. I feel so angry that we have to fight so hard for what should be basic human rights. I feel so angry that the world is such a broken place. I feel so angry that we have the capabilities and power to make things better, but for whatever reasons, we aren't doing it. I just feel so angry at it all. 

And I feel torn about how to find a place in-between that keeps me angry enough to want to continue to fight for what I believe and to not let the anger drown me. 

I do know I need to spend some more time with God. I need to make the time sit in His presence and let the quiet in. Fortunately, Lent is a good time to start doing this. 

I realize this post took a completely direction from when it started. But this is where my thoughts have been lately. These are the things I'm struggling with. This is where my heart is. 

2021: Connect

So I've been tossing a few words around, trying to determine my 2021 Word of the Year. One of those was Connect. It came to me the same way last year's word did - through a quiz on Dayspring.com. But I'll be honest, when the word was first revealed to me after the quiz I thought, "that's boring." I set it aside as I continued to ponder and pray over my 2021 Word of the Year. 

I was very much leaning in another direction when this word came back to me and was placed on my heart. 

You see, the beginning of 2021 has already been filled with hate and division. I don't need to tell you. And while I don't want to make this a political post to discuss current events and what it looks like to move forward, I do have to recognize that there is a need to connect with others more personally. Not just arguing on Facebook, which yes, I admit, I struggle with. 

Recently, I've been having a conversation with a very good friend from college. Our political views have always been different but we've always been able to have really good conversations. While these don't get to happen as much as they did when we were in college, it was this most recent conversation that really brought the word Connect back to the forefront. 

See, chances are, we - as in all people - probably agree with each other more than we think we do. But we don't often realize this because of our social media world and the very loud voices of a few. But taking the time to really connect, to really talk, to really listen - this is when you really start to learn. 

In this particular conversation with my friend, our faith as Christians was also a main point. And so I found myself thinking, am I connecting enough with others as a Christian? As a child of God? Can I be more connected to God in my personal relationship with Him so that others can clearly see His light through me? At the end of 2020, I started Bible Journaling again to reconnect with God and it was amazing how different I felt after spending that intentional time in His word. 

I also feel like 2020 was such a crazy year and because of the pandemic, we didn't get to travel or go out and do things as much as we liked. And this made it harder to connect with our family and friends. I think - I hope, I pray - that in 2021, we'll have more chances to connect with each other. 

I'm also very much still in this place of learning who I am right now and learning to love myself. So continuing to connect with myself is another must for the year. 

So there it is. My 2021 Word of the Year: Connect. I'm excited to see what this year brings, what God has planned for me and how this word will manifest itself in my life. 

2020: Bloom

 My 2020 Word of the Year was Bloom. I'm pretty sure I never wrote about it at the beginning of the year. Mostly because it was a word that came to me in an pretty uneventful manner. I took a quiz on Dayspring.com and that was what it suggested. I didn't have anything better in mind, so I took it.

But, looking back at 2020?? Bloom was a very fitting word. 

I don't need to tell you what 2020 was like. It was... well, you know. A lot of things sucked. But there was also quite a bit of good that happened. 

I talked a little bit about Bloom in my recent post reflecting on one year at the YMCA. And this is really where I think my word of the year was most evident. Starting a new job right before a world pandemic is not something I anticipated doing. Learning the ropes at a new job is always challenging. Learning the ropes and building new ropes as you navigate unknown territories? Woah. 

I'm incredibly proud of the work I've accomplished at the Y. I personally always feel I work better when I have a good challenge or have a lot of different projects to work on. And in 2020, I had challenge after challenge and projects on top of projects. It was stressful, wonderful, demanding, fun, crazy and so much more.

I was already looking forward to this position at the Y to help me grow in my profession. But 2020 gave me the opportunity to really bloom; to thrive. And I'm grateful for that. 

For the past few years, since AJ's death, I've felt like I was in survival mode. I had no choice to stop or even pause really. I had to keep going, but I was going at the bare minimum. Doing just what I had to do in order to survive. At work. At home. With Jacob. With myself. 

This past year, I finally found myself in a place where I could start moving past that. I found myself thinking more about what I want for the future. I felt more comfortable taking risks and trying new things. Thanks in a large part to consistent therapy throughout the year, I really started taking a look at figuring out the person I am in this life I never expected. 

Obviously I have a long way yet before I feel like I'm truly thriving in all aspects of my life, but I have definitely started blooming. I can't tell you how refreshing it feels to be able to think past survival mode. And to be clear, me moving past survival mode does not diminish the grief and difficulties that came after losing AJ and that continue today. But I am in a better place. And I'm grateful for that. 

About halfway through the year, I came up with this:

B: Be confident & beautiful
L: Love myself
O: Offer myself grace
O: Open to new adventures
M: Mindful gratitude

I'll admit I didn't follow it as much as I probably should have. But there's no reason I can't try to continue this into the new year! Each of those things are still things that I struggle with on a daily basis. 

Also, about mid-year, I started reading a book and this quote was the start of chapter 1:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" -Anais Nin

I really connected with this quote and took it as encouragement from God that I'm on the right path. 

I also created a list of other ways I felt I've bloomed over the past year: 

• Bought a brand new electric bike and named her Rose
• Which meant spending more time outdoors with Jacob and my parents 
• Kept going to therapy on a consistent basis, rather than just when things fall apart
• I joined the church council at church, along with the Peace & Justice Commission
• Kicking butt at the YMCA professionally :) 
• Did more volunteering through church on a couple of projects
• I randomly bought myself flowers just because (more than once!), which also allowed me to support a local business 
• Doing video chats with some amazing friends that I can't even begin to explain just how important they've been for me
• I gave a sermon at church about my 2018 word of the year
• I read a total 70 books throughout the year (20 past my goal!) 
• I started Bible Journaling again and connecting with God 
• I was fortunate enough to not only stay employed all year, but to be in a position where I could give to help others throughout the year
• I worked another season at Fun.com and am so close to completely paying off all my debt
• I stayed engaged with politics on all levels - okay, so this isn't new for me, but I think was very important this past year and will continue to be so
• I was preapproved for a mortgage and started looking at houses (nothing yet though)
• I had some tough conversations with people that I love and care about it and that have strengthened those relationships
• I'm eager to learn about myself in this moment of my life
• I'm trying to learn to love myself better 
• And moving past that survival mode to whatever comes next 

Obviously life is a constant journey. But I can't say that 2020 was a complete dumpster fire for me. And I am so grateful for that. 

I don't yet have my Word of the Year for 2021; I'm still doing some thinking. But I will definitely find something. This has become something I look forward to at the start of each new year and something that helped me throughout each year. 

And just for fun, here's a look at the Pinterest board I created for BLOOM: https://www.pinterest.com/lizzaruba/2020-bloom/