The struggles of addiction in the family.

I'm struggling. 

I feel like I'm floating in this empty space between "I don't know" and "I can't". 

Life has been hard recently. Signed divorced papers. Visiting ailing grandparents. Living with a growing and stubborn three year old. A lot going on at work. And sending someone I love and care about to treatment. 

How often do you feel like giving up? And what does it mean to you when you say that - "I want to just give up". 

Jacob, bless his adorable little heart, has been going through a phase where he wants to "cuddle mommy for little bit" before bed. Often times it ends up as "sleeping in mommy's bed". Which means less sleep for me. Then there was one morning - after a late night of crying - a fit was thrown and I think I spent a good 20 minutes wrestling a crying and flailing little boy into his clothes. I wanted to give up that day. 

At work, we recently finished our big fundraiser and immediately jumped into our next and new fundraiser. There's been a ton of work with follow up for both events. Some days I feel like I'm completely new at this job again and unsure that my talents are skills are good enough to complete what needs to be finished. It's those days that I want to give up. 

When I say I want to give up, I mostly mean I want to go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day. Or I want to just get away for a small vacation and forget the realities of every day life. Something that sounds great, but not easily done.

Austin has said a couple times recently that he just wants to get to treatment. That things seem to be spinning out of control - out of his control. Maybe he was struggling with giving up or giving in. And then he called me last week and said he'd be starting treatment in a week. 

Something felt different about treatment this time. I can't tell you what though. Maybe it was because Austin did the work of starting the process himself. I can tell you that I couldn't wait for him to start treatment. I kept thinking that once he's in treatment, I'll know where he is. I'll know he'll be safe. But this past week leading up to treatment has not been an easy one. 

It was filled with realizations that probably scared Austin, knowing that his life was at a crossroads, no longer able to continue the way it was. Those scared feelings caused fights and arguments that were not really about whatever it was we were fighting about. It was filled with avoidance and not much communication. It was filled with a lot of "just want to give up" feelings. 

I really can't explain the toll that addiction takes on your family. You just can't understand unless you've experienced yourself. And that's something I wouldn't wish on anyone. 

Austin's parents, Jacob and myself drove Austin to treatment. Jacob and I didn't get to see Austin off the last time he tried treatment. It was nice to have the opportunity to do that this time. I also realized that as we dropped Austin off, it was probably the last time I'd see him as my husband. And that was confirmed to me this morning as I received an email with a court hearing date. When he leaves treatment, we will officially be divorced. This was weighing on me. As we left, I didn't feel that relief that I was hoping for, that I was counting on. Instead there was only extreme sadness and nervousness. 

When I got home and explained these feelings to my mom, she said I haven't let go. And I thought "Of course not!" 

How do you let go of someone you thought you'd be spending the rest of your life with? How do you let go of the father of your child? How do you let go of someone who you love and only want the best for? How do you let go of someone when they have no one else around? 

And this is where the problem lies. 

I've always been the type of person who cares too much. Maybe that's not the right way to put this. I'm the type of person who would do whatever I could to protect those I love from any harm. I don't want those I love to have to experience any kind pain or sadness. I would gladly take it all on myself so that those I love would know no such thing. I was protective of my sister and brother growing up. My heart aches for others when I know they're in pain. My heart aches even when I hear stories of those I don't know who are sad or in pain.

I'm a problem solver. If there's a problem, I want to fix it. I want to work until we have a solution to fix the problem. Especially if that problem causes hurt or sadness. I want to take away your pain. I want to fix whatever it is that needs fixing so that you can be happy. I want to put you first. 

I vowed that this year would be the year of me. The year I put Jacob and myself first. But I'm really struggling with that. 

Right now I'm worried about Austin. I'm worried about if he's going to make it through treatment. I'm worried about what he means when he says "I want to give up". I'm worried about the life he'll have upon leaving treatment. I'm worried that treatment won't help. 

And I know - I know, logically, that none of that is up to me. It is all up to Austin - his decisions, his actions. And I know I should be focusing on myself and on Jacob. But how do you do that? How do you just stop worrying? 

I apologize that this post has no flow and probably doesn't make any sense. But that's also the way life feels lately. I am working on putting Jacob and myself first. I'm trying to focus on the now, trying to really treasure my time with Jacob. I'm trying to spend more time reading with him or playing with him. (This is also probably the reason I don't fight the "cuddle mommy a little bit" as much as I should) I'm going to keep going to Al-Anon meetings. I'm going to keep trying to find time to sit down with God every day and do my bible journaling. I'm going to try to do more things that make me happy.  

But at the same time, at least for a little while longer, I'm struggling. Struggling with the consequences of Austin's actions before he left for treatment. Struggling with essentially acting as a single parent while Austin's in treatment. Struggling to find the balance between worrying about a loved one and worrying about my own happiness. I'm mourning. Mourning the end of my marriage. Mourning for the life I wanted. 

And still, here I am, floating. Floating inside this addiction-created bubble. Feeling lonely and sad. 

Here's to figuring out how to pop that bubble and let go and let God. 

The end of winter

One thing I hope to do better at this year is keeping up with my blogging. Even if it's just monthly recaps about our daily lives. I really enjoy being able to go back and have these to help remember what's going on. 

February has come and gone and so has March pretty much. :) 

Jacob really enjoyed his big boy swimming lessons (no parents in the pool). Surprisingly, he did much better listening to the teachers than he did when we were in the pool with him. :) Ha! You can really see how he's getting more and more comfortable in the water. He's picking up on the kicking and scooping and with the help of his frog floatie, he can really move himself around the pool. He even went down the big slide at the Rec Center a couple of times! Although, one time he might have gone more under water than he was used to and that spooked him a bit! But he graduating level 3 swimming and can move on to level 4! 

Jacob also enjoyed his ECFE classes. Generally, he zones in on one particular toy (a truck or tractor) and won't do much exploring with all the other activities they have. But he started to expand on that this session. He really enjoyed the sensory bin, playing with play-doh and even some imaginative play in the kitchen! He really was quite adorable, telling us the pan was too hot and not to touch! :) He also did incredibly well when it came to circle time and singing along with the songs. Hearing him sing the "Hello" song - adorable. 

Overall, Jacob has really started to do more singing which of course just warms our hearts! It's so fun to listen to him singing songs he makes up and songs that we've been singing to him. He is still a huge fan of Big Block Singsong but he also is really into Veggie Tales songs as well. And of course, many of the favorite nursery rhymes! He's still very much into dinosaurs and DinoTrux! And he has had a renewed love of reading! He is really enjoying the Pigeon books right now and we read them so much, he can pretty much read all of them back to us! It's pretty adorable when he just randomly starts quoting a book! We're really looking forward to the warmer weather to get back outside more often! 

Jacob also got to spend a weekend in Iowa at the "Zuba farm" with his grandparents and cousin Evie. He was seriously counting down the days until he could go and once we picked him up, he talked for days about how much fun he had! :) And of course, he's already asking when he can go back! 

I also have to take a moment to talk about this sweet kid Jacob. Even though he's only three and a half, the kid has a huge heart. He is the sweetest, most kind boy. And it melts my heart. Randomly he will come up to me and say "hug?" and then give me a great big hug and say "I love you so much". I don't know if he can sense when I need those hugs or just really is the sweetest boy, but it stops me in my tracks every time and I am reminded about how blessed I am to be this little boy's mother. Before swimming the other day, we were waiting for class to start and he just random says "I love you mommy. And I love my daddy!" Or when he slept all night in his own bed the other night and was telling him how proud I was of him the next morning and I said, "Give me a high five!" Jacob looked at me, thinking and said, "Or I give you a hug!" :) This weekend, he told Nana he needed to come give me a hug so that I feel better. And one day at daycare, he started crying for no reason and when Amber finally got an answer out of Jacob he said, "I miss my mommy". He still runs to me even if we've only been a part a little while, arms open and when I pick him up, he buries himself into a big hug. His little heart is so full of love. And I am so full of love for him. 

For me, February was a little crazy. We had our fifth annual Pedal Past Poverty event at work on the 25th. And while this day and the prep before hand are crazy enough of themselves, we also had to deal with a "incoming blizzard" that make things even more hectic. We managed to get everything to the Y on Thursday night before the snow and got everything set up by Friday afternoon. By Saturday, the weather was cold - but otherwise perfect for the event. We had a successful event and raised just over $92K! I am constantly amazed by this community and how caring and giving they are. 

I also did some more singing at church, singing with the praise band and agreeing to sing as one of the song leaders for the Holden Evening prayer for Lent. I even agreed to sing a solo at church the morning after Pedal Past Poverty. Probably not my best decision, but it went well. :) 

Jacob and I have successfully switched bedrooms and all the moving and organizing is pretty much done. Just a couple more pieces of furniture to remove. I also got a new mattress!! And I have to say, it is a huge improvement from the waterbed! :) It's pretty much my new favorite place! haha! 

Austin and I both signed our copies of the divorce papers as well. This was a hard day and made everything much more real. I am definitely mourning the lost of my marriage and I'm not sure how to handle that. 

We also visited my Grandpa R. who's been in need of some extra care. But he was in good spirits when we visited him! We've also been stopping in to see Great Grandma & Grandpa J. before school and after swimming. Jacob loves those visits because he almost always leaves with chocolate! :) 

March has been pretty low-key. We went out and celebrated Austin's birthday early with a dinner at Applebee's and a family fun night at the Wow Zone! Jacob was so cute, telling the waiter right away "it's my daddy's birthday" :) He also enjoyed sharing the cake and ice cream! At the Wow Zone, daddy and Jacob spent a good amount of time playing the Jurassic Park video game. And it was very fun to watch. Then we did a round of family bowling - Jacob's first time - and of course, Jacob won. :) 

I got to spend a day up at the Capital for Homeless Day on the Hill - raising awareness and advocating support to end homelessness in Mankato. It was my first time doing anything like that and while I didn't get to meet with as many representatives as I would have liked, it was still a really great day. I look forward to going back again next year. 

This past Thursday, we dropped Austin off at a treatment center in South Dakota. I won't write more about that here, I'm working on a separate blog post for that. 

I guess that about does it for us right now. Hopefully I'll be back again in another month. :)