The One Where I Turn 35

 I am about to turn 35. 

My sister (jokingly?) asked about a month ago if I was starting to freak out yet. Apparently, according to her, I had a mini freak out before turning 30. I don't recall such a thing happening, but hey, I am getting old.

But she did get me thinking. I am about about to turn 35. Should I be freaking out? And if I should be freaking out, what should I be freaking out about exactly? Nothing really sprang to mind, but I decided to take stock of where I am in life. So here we go.

I am about to turn 35. I live in my parents' basement. I have lived in my parents' basement for five years. I have an amazing and smart seven year old boy who is my whole world and who I let sleep in my bed with me because he is the best at snuggling. I am divorced and widowed, although I sometimes question the widow thing because of the divorce thing. I am incredibly blessed to have my family - both my Minnesota family and my Iowa family. I also have some seriously awesome friends that I don't know what I would do without. 

I love sleep. But then I often stay up way too late finishing a book or writing down my random thoughts (like this blog). I go to therapy, fairly sporadic over the past five years, but hopefully finally making this commitment to myself and going on a regular basis. I could probably lose some weight, I think about it often, but I love sweets too damn much. I'm a creative person who loves writing, doodling, singing, journaling, photography, designing. Also, huge bookworm. 

After over 10 years in the workforce, I am at a job that I truly love and enjoy. A job where I can create, where I am challenged, where I am respected and where I feel like I can make a difference. I have a church community I love; a place where I feel like I belong, a place where I can be involved and a place where I can share my gifts. I've worked incredibly hard over the past five years to arrive to this place where I am within reaching distance of being completely debt-free. 

I am stubborn and bossy. I'm discovering I've become very independent over the past few years and I like this. I'm very opinionated and not afraid to speak my mind. I may comment on political posts on social media more than I should. I care deeply and love hard. I sometimes feel like an introverted extrovert. I've been told over the past few years that I am strong, but sometimes I have a hard time believing that. 

I love fall. And October. I love orange and pink. I love sweets and Dr. Pepper. Thunderstorms are my favorite. I could sit all day in front of a fire or a body of water. I love reading and all kinds of music. I have a thing for pillows. I like playing video games and The Sims. I might be slightly obsessed with Friends and have probably seen every episode dozens of times. I miss traveling. I sometimes feel like a romantic at heart and at the same time realistic of the fact that life is not like the books I read or movies I watch.

Sometimes I’ll stay awake at night to watch Jacob sleep, marveling at this person I created, holding my hand to his head, absorbing this overwhelming feeling of love. Sometimes I’ll wear one of AJ’s old sweatshirts and think about all that I’ve lost. And I sometimes cry pretty easily at books, movies, music or TV shows.

I’m about to turn 35. And I am a very different person now than who I was just five years ago. My 2020 Word of the Year is Bloom. And I’m trying to apply that to myself. I am trying to open myself up to discover who I am today. I want to learn more about this person and figure out how to love myself as the person I am today. I’m reflecting on the events of life that has brought me to this point in life and that have made me this person. 

So. 35. I think I'm doing okay. I think I'll save any freak out until I hit 40... :) 

Love Is

 Over the past year or so, I've thought about this blog post a lot. What I wanted to say and who I wanted to write it to - you or Austin directly. But the last few months have thrown everything else out the window. Until today. 

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Last year, I wrote a blog post about the day and considering just sharing that again today. But then as I was looking through my Memories on Facebook, I saw this post from my Mom. 

I clicked the link to listen to the song. And immediately fell apart. 

Music is a powerful tool. 

Which reminded me of why I'm now writing this post. 

After Austin passed, his high school graduating class decided they wanted to collect money to commission a choral piece of music, written and composed in Austin's memory. (If you don't know, Austin was a choir director and a damn fine one at that.) And that's exactly what they did.

They reached out to composer Connor Koppin, who is also a Wartburg grad. And in turn, Connor reached out to Brian Newhouse, a poet he's worked with often on different pieces. 

Here's where I want to tell you that not only was this a perfect and amazing way to remember and honor Austin, but the process of the entire thing was very much needed for us as Austin's family. It was cathartic in many ways. And for that, I am so grateful. 

Brian reached out to us as family and asked if we would mind having a conversation about Austin and why this piece was being commissioned in his memory. It was during that conversation, that some real healing started to take place among us. For me, at least, it also felt like this piece was being created for a larger reason. During that call, Brian told us a bit about his personal life and it was like an immediate connection - Brian would have the right words for this song. 

A few weeks later, we got a copy of the music, along with a digital recording of the music and parts, but no voices singing along. Even as someone who can read music, I had a hard time putting the music and words together. But the more I listened to the music, the more I read the words, and the more I sang along, the more I fell in love. 

STOP here if you aren't interested in my interpretation of the music or if you want to listen to the song yourself first. Skip to the video at the end of this post.

 

While I surrounded myself in the music and lyrics, I couldn't help but think how beautiful the music and composition sound. But I also recognized that it an extremely hard piece of music. It was not a song that most choirs would be able to pick up and have ready within a few rehearsals. But I liked this aspect. I thought 'this is totally Austin'. First, he would have enjoyed the complexity of the music, the challenge for his choirs. And second, his life was not easy; it was hard and complicated. And you can feel that in the music. 

To me, this song feels like a letter to Austin. We're telling him all these things - how we carry his name and love fills our hearts. And as the music changes, it's like we're yelling these things at Austin because he's no longer listening to us. Then the line "so that one day you may sing" is so quiet and peaceful - Austin finally listened. And he was finally free. And we can praise God by singing holy, holy, holy because he is free from pain and sorrow. He is singing again in heaven. 

Here are the lyrics: 

A river carries your name through every bend of my heart.
May this love named for you, return to you.
Swarming your shadows to the depths of the sea. 
A river carries your name.
A new sun rose on the day of your birth.
It floods each acre in the fields of my heart.
Let this love bind your shadows.
Let this love bind your shadows, send them reeling into silence. 
So that one day, you may sing:
Holy, this breath is holy.
This living holy.
This love, holy, holy, holy. 

And here is the premiere performance of "Love Is" by the Tipton Chamber Choir from March 2020, with an introduction by Brianne Magill.

I apologize for the quality of video; I was holding my cell phone and Jacob may have been whispering to me during some parts. :) 

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, you are not alone. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255.  

Once a Butter-nutter, Always a Butter-nutter

 After 151 years of ministry, Our Saviour's Lutheran Church in Butternut, Minnesota has closed its doors. 

Our Saviour's was my home congregation, my first church. It was such a huge part of my life growing up and shaped me in many ways to the person I am today. I created life-long friendships, questioned and grew my faith, sang songs of praise, welcomed new members into families and said goodbye to loved ones. It's where it was ingrained in me to always volunteer to help clean up after events, clearing the plates of others and getting the dishes done. It taught me to lift high the cross. 

The church has never been about the building. But I can't deny the many memories made inside this particular building. A small country church, surrounded by corn and soybean fields. It's completely true what they say - Once a Butter-nutter, Always a Butter-nutter. (I think we were going to get hats that said this one year... haha!) 

Below are some of the memories that I never want to forget when it comes to Butternut. It will forever hold a very special place in my heart. 

• This is the church I was baptized and confirmed my faith. It is also the place where Jacob was baptized. My siblings were baptized and confirmed here and my younger sister had her ordination service at Butternut. My mom grew up in the church as well, baptized, confirmed and then married my dad in this one place. It was where we said goodbye to my Grandma and across the road is where she and others rest with the saints. 
• I grew up going to Sunday School, gathering before it started in the social hall. I remember that on your birthday you got to put a special offering in the little church piggy bank. 
• I spent each summer going to Vacation Bible School (VBS). My Grandma and Aunt Missy often helping. And Barb a constant in anything related to youth. 
• Thursday night of VBS we spent walking the ditch and eating supper. But Friday was always everyone's favorite day - water balloons and water guns to end the week. 
• VBS was filled with music and crafts and of course snacks. We would get to climb the large tree out front when it was time to hear the story of Zacchaeus. And a tent would often get set up and moved around the grounds for other story times. I think I remember one time trying to rig a system so we could lower someone into the tent from above - can you name that Biblical story? 
• Games of Red Rover and basketball took place outside. 
• When we were little, we always sat in the back row of church, my siblings and cousins and Grandpa. He would always have gum for us. As we grew, we moved to the very front of the church. There was still gum. And one memory of Daniel when he was still very young standing up on the pew during a song, slipping and hitting his forehead on the pew in front of us. 
• I remember the Halloween parties that took place in the social hall each year. Games and treats and fun! A "cake walk" near one end, one of the Sunday School rooms where I blindly put my hand in boxes to feel "eyeballs" and "brains". And the Big Kids who would set up a haunted house down in the basement. I'm going to be honest, I don't think I ever made it down there! 
• The Christmas Program growing up was also a fond memory each year. The large tree up front, waiting excitingly to see which part you would have - sheep? Angel? Mary? A wise man? Singing our songs in front of the dress in our fancy Christmas outfits. But my favorite part, and I'm probably not the only one, would be when Barb brought out the large birthday cake and we all sang Happy Birthday to Jesus. And ate cake. And the goodie bags filled with peanuts and other treats. 
• As we got older, monthly Luther League meetings, which always included needing to remind the bus driver that this Wednesday we needed to be dropped off at church please. Meetings were filled with fun and more snacks. These were by far some of my favorite times with friends at church. One Wednesday, they had just mopped and waxed the social hall, everything was cleared out. We held a game of sock hockey. 
• And one Luther League Wednesday every year was spent decorating the entire church with all the many Christmas decorations. The large Christmas tree, the garland hung from the choir loft and up along the railing. Setting up the Manager, with its green grass roof and wooden figures. 
• We would go to camp in the summer - Shores of St. Andrew and Green Lake Bible Camp. Spending a week away with strangers and away from our parents, swimming in the lake, worshiping in the beautiful chapel, sleeping in cabins, riding out some storms, playing games and singing songs (like Baby Shark...), doing skits and eating in the hall. 
• And even before camp, the car ride there would just as much fun - often we were driven by volunteer members of the congregation and we knew how to make those rides entertaining. Gettin' Siggy with it! 
• Easter Sunrise Services, led by the youth. Some of these services started in the cemetery across the road, which usually meant freezing in our Easter dresses and watching out for snakes. Then always the big pancake breakfast. 
• Confirmation on Wednesday nights, switching between Our Saviour's and Faith in Madelia. Racing to get the big red pillows to sit on and filling out the Sunday sermon notes. Small groups with our leaders, sharing our highs and lows from the week. I can remember one week sharing my low of failing gym class. Yup. Or maybe it was just a test. Making our own stoles with felt and then standing in front of the congregation, on that Confirmation Sunday. 
• As I got older, I joined the church choir, with Grandma directing and never taking any crap from anyone. She knew how to get the best out of all of us. I always felt like an adult when I was at choir practice, listening to all the real adults talk about whatever it was they talked about. 
• Each summer we would do a week-long service trip. One year was always more local, a trip to cities to volunteer and help out at different nonprofits. Our regional trip included a week of white-water canoeing, which isn't something I ever thought I would enjoy, but had one of the best weeks ever. And even a trip to Guatemala, where we did various service projects and learned about the history of the church in Guatemala. 
• And before we went anywhere, there was always a group picture in front of the church, around the sign. And many scrambling to climb to the top to sit for the picture. 
• We started a praise band that sang praise songs once a month and my love of singing grew. One of my favorites will always include Shout to the Lord with Krista next to me and Lauren jamming out on the piano.  
• It was in the church social hall that I had my first cup of coffee; where I ate many meals - including a full Seder Supper one Lenten season. 

The church is definitely much more than just the building. It's the people, the memories, the service, the music, the Word of God, the connections, the love. And the vision of Our Saviour's was always much larger than just our small country church. And while Butternut may just be a place on a map, being a Butter-nutter will always be so much more. 

Happy 7th Birthday Jacob!

Happy Birthday to my favorite boy. 

Waking up this morning, it was the first time that I have not spent your actual birthday with you. Instead you have spent the week in Iowa at the farm with Nana and Papa and your cousins. And from the pictures and videos I get, you have been having an amazing time. 

I love watching how close you are with your cousins, how well the three of you play together. It's so fun to listen to where your imagination brings you. You're all at such a perfect and fun age right now. 

It's hard to believe it's been seven years since your dad and I welcomed you into this world. And as I look at the boy you've grown into so far, I can't help but be amazed. Amazed at who you are. To me you are perfect. 

It also becomes more and more apparent how much of your dad you've inherited as you continue to grow. You have his love of talking, his great use of facial expressions and his flair for entertaining/acting. 

You are clever and funny and goofy in all the right ways. You make everyone laugh. You make everyone fall in love with you. You are kind and caring, despite your continuing allegiance towards the "bad guys". 

Your current obsessions include Superheros and Villains - Marvel, DC, Transformers, Skylanders - you love them all.  You've also gotten into gaming (which your dad would LOVE) Your favorite games are Lego DC Villains on the Nintendo Switch and Skylanders on the Wii. You still love swinging and swimming. You're working on mastering your bike, but you LOVE the pull-behind tandem bike we've added to mine. You would spend all day and every day in your PJs if we let you. And you have no problem wearing PJs that are three-years too small. You love all things chocolate. And you still love books and reading. 

And oh boy, your reading. Your reading skills grew fast this year and I love listening to you read books to me. I also love listening to when you "read" a book, but make up your own story. You are a very good story-teller. 

You were doing so well at school with Kindergarten and it was fun to watch you learn and grow. COVID-19 of course threw things off track and you finished the year with distant learning, having me, Nana and Aunt Meg as your at-home teachers. But even through all of that, you continued to thrive and learn. You also absolutely got use to being home and the only kid around the rest of us adults. :) It was not how I imagined you'd graduate from Kindergarten, and even now, we don't yet know what this fall will look like when you start 1st Grade. But I do know that no matter what, you will continue to grow and learn and thrive. 

Every single day I am thankful for you. I'm thankful for your smile and your giggles. I'm thankful for your hugs and your cuddles. I'm thankful for your questions and curiosity. I'm thankful for your imagination. I'm thankful that I get to catch glimpses of your dad in you. I am so thankful for the pure joy you bring to my life every day. 

Happy Birthday, Jacob. You truly are my favorite and I love you, so much. 

Rollercoaster Day

Today was a rollercoaster kind of day. I've managed to stay away from the toxic social media stuff for two days now (yay me!) but was feeling anxious this morning. Today I was planning on spending the entire day in my office at the Y. The first time since late March. The first time I hadn't spent at least part of the day at home with Jacob. 

There was a lot to be done at work. We were working with a temporary deadline of opening the Y on Monday, May 18, although none of us really believed it would happen, we wanted to get the building ready so that we could open by then. The biggest thing stressing me out this morning was signs. Seems like it should be simple enough but I promise you, it's complicated. 

After a video chat with a co-worker, I realized that I had an even more urgent problem that needed to be taken care of before signs - our website. My freakout shifted to this new project. In our conference call at the end of the day, I got the green light to make the website my priority and could feel myself take a break, relax a bit. The day had been long and I'm not even sure I accomplished much of anything other than adding more projects and anxiety to my plate! But I left the Y with a bit of a spring in my step. Tomorrow would be a new day.

Then, I got a text from a co-worker. It said "Gyms opening June 1st". 

I've got to be honest, I started to freak out again. Yeah, we were working towards this temporary deadline of Monday but without any real conviction. June 1st was an actual hard deadline. And it's a deadline that we need to meet. And I don't know what you do for work, but you can't just reopen the doors of a business and have everything the way it once was. So much has changed. So much needs to be done. We're working on a reopening plan but it's not done. We need to get the website done, a new reservation tool in place, equipment moved, new policies decided, the list goes on and on and on and on... 

And June 1st seems like it's right around the corner. 

In addition to that, I was told that Jacob had a mini meltdown during the day because he missed me and I wasn't around. The kid's gotten use to me being there! Even if I was always working on my computer. Luckily, no one told me of his meltdown until I left work! :) 

But it's like the train is suddenly moving fast. I was hoping to gradually start transitioning back into working from the office full time, but with such an important deadline, I feel like I have no option but to be at the Y as much as possible until June 1st. Once we open and we figure out how this new normal will work, that can be relaxed a bit. But just as quickly as Jacob's life was changed when school closed, it's changing again with me going back to the office, but him still having no school to go to. It feels a bit... like I'm off balance, maybe? 

I don't know what the next two weeks or so are going to look like, but I have a feeling it's going be intense. Which is also disappointing as I wanted to commit to a more slow season. So bear with me. 

Bear with everyone. Be kind. We all need it. 

A Break

It's hard to believe that we've been in this "new" state of normal for almost two months now. And while we've created new routines and some things have become easier, there is still much that we struggle with, much that we don't understand. And we try to prepare for some sort of new future that we don't know what it will look like or when we might see it. 

It's exhausting. And heartbreaking. 

And it doesn't help that those feelings only exacerbate all the other fear and pain and sadness you were already experiencing. It's a lot for anyone to deal with. And what's worst is that we often feel as if we're dealing with it all alone. 

But nothing could be further from the truth. I listened to a really good sermon yesterday that reminded me that no matter what, God is already here. He is already present. He is always by my side. Instead of seeing him clearly, I let my fear and pain and sadness cloud my vision. 

I've been struggling with some things lately and today I decided I needed a break. A mental health day. And I'm grateful for family and a boss and a job that will allow that to happen. I spent the day off my phone, off social media and instead spent it feeling safe from the world in my room. I spent it talking with God. I spent it getting lost in a TV show. Any by dinnertime, I was feeling better. 

I still had no more answers that when the day started, I still had all my struggles and fears. But I also felt the comfort of His presence. 

After dinner, I opened a book that I've been reading on and off for some months now. And it has been months since I've picked it up. And on that very first page, the author talked about living in a season of slow, often due to pain or suffering. But that when we live in a season of slow, "you quiet down all the outside noise so God's voice can become the loudest voice in your life." (Lysa Terkeurst, "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way") She goes on to talk about how she took a break from social media, from reading the newspaper, from certain activities. 

It was exactly how I had spent my day. And I realized that maybe this has to be more than a one day thing. Maybe I need more of a break so that I can slow down, so that I can be quiet, so that I can connect with God and listen to what He has to tell me. 

And so I'm going to try. I'm going to take as much as a break as I can from this world and live in the quiet. Now, I realize that as a Marketing Director, I'm not able to stay off social media entirely or avoid what's happening in this world. But I can limit it. 

I'll still do what I need to do in order to do my job. I will still use social media to connect with my family and friends. But I'm not going to spend endless hours scrolling and getting caught up in what others have to say. I'm going to be more mindful of these slow times we're living in right now to spend that extra time with God. 

Please know that I still want to connect with all of you. Especially during times like this, we need those connects. So please, keep sending me your Snapchats, posting pictures on Instagram. Keep Facebook messaging me and let's keep doing those video chats. Or even send me a text or give me a call. I might be a bit slow to respond, but I will. 

 

April 22, 2020

It's been a while since I've written an update. 

Like many of you, I'm slowly adjusting to our current normal. There are definitely some days that are better than others. 

I enjoy the 'commute' to work each day, the fact that I don't feel rushed each morning. I'm glad to have a full kitchen to find lunch each day rather than going to a gas station or drive through to find food. The always available snacks is another issue... 

I'm grateful for having a lot of family under one roof. They've been extremely helpful with Jacob and not only his distance-learning, but just helping him get through a day where he doesn't sit in front of screen the entire day because I get caught up on work. The past couple of weeks, we've spent Friday nights watching Andrew Lloyd Webber's musicals on YouTube. We share a meal almost every night. We get on each others' nerves. :) 

I've enjoyed quite a few video chats and online game nights with family and friends. The warmer weather is very welcomed and getting outside for a walk makes for a nice break. 

I sat in a meeting this afternoon as we start to discuss what reopening the Y looks like. And I think what hasn't hit me yet, what I haven't allowed myself to think about yet is what our world will look like as we start to open things back up. There will still need to be many adjustments and changes and things will not look the same. And I do feel some fear when I think about how that will look, hence why I've avoided thinking about it. 

It make me sad Jacob won't have a chance to go back to school to finish the year. The divisive political fights exhaust me. I miss seeing friends, family and co-workers in person. I probably give Jacob way too many hugs and for way too long because I'm unable to hug other people I care about. 

How are all of you hanging in there?